To think they should still replace it...

[YorkshireRose80]

TLDR:
Friend borrowed expensive item six years ago, lost it and not replaced it despite frequent requests asking for it to be replaced.

Long version:
Six years ago, I bought a £300 fancy BBQ in a sale for £150, I didn't have a suitable garden for it at the time, but it was a bargain so I bought it and stored it away.

Six months later, my friend was asking around to see if anyone had a BBQ she could borrow for her mum's birthday party which friend was hosting. Mine wasn't being used, so I happily lent it to her. She used it and thanked me and said she'd drop it back at some point. As I still didn't have a suitable garden, I said there was no immediate rush.

The following summer, I had a suitable garden and wanted to have a BBQ, but recalled my mate hadn't returned it. I asked her to return it and she apologised for not doing so sooner, but later messaged to say that she's really sorry, she's looked and not been able to find it. Said she must have lost it!

Not quite sure how you can lose a fucking BBQ. I lent it to her unopened, in its box, it weighed a lot and was big and bulky.

I was quite upset, as I'd never even got to use it, but I didn't go off at her as she was pregnant with her first child and she'd had a couple of scares. So, I asked if she could have another look for it and get back to me.

Anyway, long story short, she couldn't find it. I awaited her message to say she'd replace it, but it never came. Her DD was then born and I let it go for a while as she was on mat leave and money was tight. But when she was back working, I asked her outright to replace it and she said she would, but it never materialised.

So, every spring for the past five years I have asked her again if she could please replace my BBQ. She says she will, but doesn't.

I know it's only a BBQ, but it's not something I'd usually be able to afford for the original price and I've held off buying a cheap one, hoping friend will come through with replacement.

Clocks have now gone forward and it's almost time for my annual request for my BBQ! 😅 My mum said I should let it go, but my DH agrees with me and said I should persist for a replacement.

If I lost something I borrowed, expensive or not, I'd replace it straight away.

My friend is doing well for herself and recently got a brand new car, her DD and DS have lovely clothes and lots of tech, so money doesn't seem to be the reason. And if it was, I'd be open to her paying for it in installments.

Soooo....

YABU - Suck it up buttercup, it's gone, get over it.
YANBU - She needs to replace it, regardless of how much time as passed. It's the principle of the matter.

It's been 6 years!! She's obviously not planning on replacing it, you are going to have to let it go. She's not much of a friend is she? 😏

This is hilarious. Of course she should have given you back your BBQ or replaced it but it’s been 5 years OP I think you need to let it go. Are you actually “friends” with this person? Have you seen her regularly and kept up the friendship in 5 years or do you just send her texts once a year asking about your BBQ?

Just say you're having a BBQ on X date so you'll need it by then. Make the date quite close so she can't 'forget'.

Sold it or left it out in the garden, and its been stolen.

Ask her if you can borrow something of a similar value and don't give it back.

If you can't sort it I would definitely bin her off.

She's either sold it or damaged it, nobody loses a BBQ. Some friend she is, I would stop pursuing it now though, too much time has passed you aren't getting that back.

I also don't think I would want to continue a friendship with someone that is blatantly lying to you about it.

I would try putting something in writing, so it's formal.
Lay out the facts, you lent her the BBQ, she did not return it and told you it had been lost. You asked her to replace it and she agreed, but did not do that. You allowed her a very reasonable period because of her being on maternity leave. When she returned to work, you asked again for her to replace your BBQ that she had lost, she again agreed, but again did not do it. You've been more than reasonable in waiting five years and are now asking, formally, for her to replace the lost BBQ. Include some instruction of what to buy - a like for like model, the price, the shop name.
Mention somewhere in the letter that you have kept the message chain and can forward any back to her if she needs a reminder.

If you continue to send text message she will continue to fob you off. By putting this in writing you are making a formal request.
I think you could also consider this the end of the friendship. Would you really pursue a friendship with someone who treats you with such disrespect?

My god... its been 6 years 😅

just write it off now and buy yourself a new one.

you are never getting it back or the money for it lmaooo

Will you let us know how this plays out please OP?

@YorkshireRose80 the way I read this was you lent it to her but then used her as free storage facility. 🤔 is it possible she tried more than once to return it to you during the time you didn’t have suitable space for it and she decided she didn’t want to continue storing it for you?

She clearly doesn’t value your friendship.

you do t lose a large BBQ. She gave it away, she sold it or it was stolen.

by this stage I would stop asking - it’s been too long. She is never buying you a BBQ. But she isn’t your friend.

Borrow something expensive of hers and hold it hostage.

Pop in unexpectedly and ask to borrow her hair straighteners for a night out.

When she asks for them back say you've been looking for them but cant find them.

Wait and see if she works it out.

I agree with earlier posters; she's had a clear out/ garage sale and your bbq was in it. Ask again, every week if necessary, until she coughs up a similar bbq (yours will definitely not be in as new condition by now) or equivalent cash.

Yeah, see, what I'd do is invite them over for a BBQ. When they got there I'd point at some steaks or hamburgers (raw) with a Daily Fail sad face and say "If I'd only had something to cook it on".

I can't believe you haven't got a bbq because of this lol

For a start, you can't really expect a £300 bbq when she knows you paid £150. But too much time has passed, how do you function otherwise as friends? Just ignore the bbq issue? Have you ever had an honest discussion where youve said to her face 'this is getting daft now' is the friendship worth the £150 argument?

I think you need to think about what means more to you. If your friendship means more then I think its time to cut your losses, buy a new bbq and move on with your life.
If the £150 means more then I'd still buy a new bbq, send her a photo of the receipt and say 'Hi, couldn't wait any longer so bought my bbq. Please can you send over the £150 as this is all getting a bit silly now and I don't want it to affect our friendship but it does bother me that you have been fobbing me off about this for 5 years now'

But if OP re-bought the BBQ herself then billed the friend for it, the 6 years would then run from the date of the ‘invoice’

Try something different.
Look up shops that stock the similar BBQ with the same brand.
Take down addresses and prices and visit the BBQ Thief.

Sit down and show her where you both will be going to replace the BBQ. Plan a shopping trip in your car with her on a date that suits, within the next two weeks.

Go shopping. Buy her a coffee but watch her buy you a BBQ, or at least two thirds of one.

Next time you lend a BBQ, ask for it to be returned, cleaned, the following day.

I'd send a message along the lines of " ..I've been asking for 5 years, can you please be honest and let me know if you actually don't intend replacing it? I'm a little hurt that you've just said enough to placate me for 5 years. I really want a bbq this year so let me know asap"

Her answer/attitude would then determine how I saw the friendship going forward tbh

Yes, agreed.

I'm not voting because YANBU for expecting her to replace it, but YABU six years later.

I hate lending stuff because people often don't expect to replace if it's lost or broken.

Send her a link to one that’s similar, ask for the MONEY to be transferred and then buy it yourself

"OK, joke over. I loaned you the BBQ a long time ago and have never had it back. It was a £300 new and I never used it. Either buy a suitable replacement (a bucket with a grill over is not the same!) or transfer me £300. I am done with trying to excuse your theft from me, I will mention this to X (her DH) when I see him as I am sick of this"

I rather suspect that accusing her of theft and threatening to dob her in to her DH (who she probably lied to about how she got it) will do the trick.

Stop asking for the BBQ. Look for the current model of the same BBQ and send her a request for the cost to buy it and have it delivered to your house.

Something along the lines of - Hi X, Saw your new [make of car]. Love it! Look, I’m wanting to have a BBQ in a few weeks for some friends and since you’ve been instant that you want to replace the BBQ of mine you lost but have found it too tricky to work out how to replace it, I’ve found the replacement myself. Please send me XXXXX by Tuesday so I can order it in time. [bank details]. Thanks, Yorkshire.

You should never have accepted her choosing the replacement. You should have sent her links to BBQs you found acceptable to be shipped to your home. If she wanted to source it elsewhere and pick it up to save herself some money, that would have been up to her. But don’t offer her that as an idea now. Tell her how to fix this properly and stop accepting her being such a CF.

"Insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results."

You’ve asked and she’s blown you off for several years?

Why waste more of your time:

a) asking again
b) posting on Mumsnet about it.

You’re not going to get it back, nor are you going to get any money.

Your only decision now is when to cut this thief out of your life. Anything else is throwing time away that could usefully be spent doing something else.

Tell her you really need it and can you meet up with her mum to try to figure out where it could be? Or so she and her mum can make a plan to replace it? It was borrowed for her mum’s birthday and bringing mum into it might shame her into some action. Or tell her you’re suing her and mum in the small claims court.