To think they should still replace it...

[YorkshireRose80]

TLDR:
Friend borrowed expensive item six years ago, lost it and not replaced it despite frequent requests asking for it to be replaced.

Long version:
Six years ago, I bought a £300 fancy BBQ in a sale for £150, I didn't have a suitable garden for it at the time, but it was a bargain so I bought it and stored it away.

Six months later, my friend was asking around to see if anyone had a BBQ she could borrow for her mum's birthday party which friend was hosting. Mine wasn't being used, so I happily lent it to her. She used it and thanked me and said she'd drop it back at some point. As I still didn't have a suitable garden, I said there was no immediate rush.

The following summer, I had a suitable garden and wanted to have a BBQ, but recalled my mate hadn't returned it. I asked her to return it and she apologised for not doing so sooner, but later messaged to say that she's really sorry, she's looked and not been able to find it. Said she must have lost it!

Not quite sure how you can lose a fucking BBQ. I lent it to her unopened, in its box, it weighed a lot and was big and bulky.

I was quite upset, as I'd never even got to use it, but I didn't go off at her as she was pregnant with her first child and she'd had a couple of scares. So, I asked if she could have another look for it and get back to me.

Anyway, long story short, she couldn't find it. I awaited her message to say she'd replace it, but it never came. Her DD was then born and I let it go for a while as she was on mat leave and money was tight. But when she was back working, I asked her outright to replace it and she said she would, but it never materialised.

So, every spring for the past five years I have asked her again if she could please replace my BBQ. She says she will, but doesn't.

I know it's only a BBQ, but it's not something I'd usually be able to afford for the original price and I've held off buying a cheap one, hoping friend will come through with replacement.

Clocks have now gone forward and it's almost time for my annual request for my BBQ! 😅 My mum said I should let it go, but my DH agrees with me and said I should persist for a replacement.

If I lost something I borrowed, expensive or not, I'd replace it straight away.

My friend is doing well for herself and recently got a brand new car, her DD and DS have lovely clothes and lots of tech, so money doesn't seem to be the reason. And if it was, I'd be open to her paying for it in installments.

Soooo....

YABU - Suck it up buttercup, it's gone, get over it.
YANBU - She needs to replace it, regardless of how much time as passed. It's the principle of the matter.

I'm not sure the car example is as clear cut. If the mum was really struggling perhaps she couldn't afford to tax and insure the car. The money she gained from selling it may have been really helpful and been appreciated. When you give something away you shouldn't expect to control what is done with it. A loan, like the barbecue is a different matter.

(Disclaimer - I'd never take a valuable gift like a car from a virtual stranger myself!)

She did treat herself- to the original bbq her "friend" stole

yes she did

but cat’s chance in hell of getting it back

meanwhile… approaching 7 year of having to ask her neighbour to trundle her one over

so yes… treat yourself op!

Voted YABU because 5 years of this hassle is not worth it. Either move on or ditch the friendship!

Think of something she has that's worth the price of a new BBQ, and ask if you can borrow it. If she says no, then point out that you were kind enough to lend her your BBQ, and she 'lost' it, so it's only fair that she lends you xyz. Then, when she lends it to you, hold it to ransom, and when she asks for it back, say 'Yes, you can have it back in exchange for a BBQ equivalent to the one I lent you'.

Find half a dozen BBQs you like the look of, send her the links, say you have friends / family coming round on X date for a BBQ so you’ll need it by then please.

6 years…. Let it go. If it genuinely upsets you that much why even talk to her ever again, if it doesn’t….

@YorkshireRose80 please do update us with what you decide to say and the response you get!

She sold it

How do you misplace a fecking BBQ

I would be tempted to forget it as it doesn't seem to be happening but also would want to stick to my guns out of principle. Maybe tell her your having a BBQ next weekend so you'll be round to pick up the replacement BBQ she owes you Friday evening and see what she says. Your giving her a time scale to sort it, and if she doesn't, find a similar replacement and tell her to transfer you the money for it so you can purchase it yourself.

She is just being plain rude imo

I disagree. All she needed to say was "That's incredibly kind of you, but I'm afraid we couldn't afford to insure and run it".

OP specifically offered to give her a car, because she perceived that she might need a car (I can't remember if the woman had said anything along those lines). She didn't just give her something of value for her to sell for cash - it was a targeted gift to meet a need.

The antique ram castrator was the same.

Would you not be a little disappointed if you gave your family presents that you'd picked out for them - or maybe items of your own that they'd always openly admired - and they then came straight back to show you what they'd bought with the money they got from selling them?

Do you text her asking for her to replace it? If so that’s too easy to ignore and disconnect your guilt from. Pop round, stand on her doorstep and ask her to order you a replacement (take the details
of your choice to the same value) or she can bank transfer you the money - either way she can do it while you wait… perhaps she can throw in some tea and biscuits as payment for your inconvenience :oP

Hi friend, I’m ordering a new bbq as you’ve not returned mine. You can transfer the price of £££ to my account (details) this weekend then I can arrange delivery. Thanks.

Send her a link to a bbq you want. Tell her to buy it before x date, as you want to have a bbq. See what she says.

Or ask her to send you x money by x date.

It’s gone. Move on either with or without her friendship.

How can someone lose a friend's items and be so unbothered about it 🙈
But also, how on Earth do you lose a bloody BBQ?? 😵😵

You can ask but given she hasn't replaced it on all the other times you might as well just suck it up and buy another one and never lend her anything again. I don't think I would want to stay friends with her anyway.

Exactly!
I'm wondering if she just decided to keep it.

I think, though cannot guarantee, that previous poster was mistaken. In situations like this, it is usually six years since the LOSS was recorded. (Six years since you bought the product is if the product itself was faulty). So you are just barely within the time limits of small claims (based on a case my friend brought against someone “losing” their guitar and not replacing it) and you need to jump on this right now, but do call Citizens’ Advice on Monday and they can tell you for sure.
Here’s the page that talks about when the clock started ticking for small claims, based on which type of loss:
https://www.citizensadvice.org.uk/law-and-courts/legal-system/small-claims/deciding-whether-to-make-a-small-claim/
Your situation is a bit more like what’s listed on the page under “If you rent and need repairs,” where six years starts from when you notified them you needed repairs. Six years either starts from when she notified you it was lost, OR the first time you asked for replacement. (For this, you need to ask Citizens’ Advice).

Also, outside of court, it doesn’t matter if you paid £150. If it’s going to cost you £300 to replace it, then she owes you £300. She lost a £300 BBQ, not a £150 one. Stop with this sending links of different BBQs nonsense. You just text her, “£300 is what the BBQ was worth. This is what I will have to pay to replace. Please transfer that amount to me by the end of the week,” with bank details. If there’s a cash flow issue, ask her how long she needs. My recommendation: DO NOT accept a payment plan that runs longer than your time left to take her to small claims court, or you may never any money.

Some people will walk all over you until they get figuratively slapped back. @mamacorn1 is correct. Two things will happen. She will play the victim. Mock, jeer, insult you etc.
She will pay you back which means she could have in the past but thought you were a push over.

5 years on is abit long now OP. So you still want to maintain this friendship because I'd let it go if she meant that much just because of the sheer amount of time that's now passed.
However if she generally is selfish and not really a close close friend then yes let her hear it. And maybe set a deadline for payment this time around.

20 years ago I lent a friend £200 to come on holiday with us. If I hadn’t lent her it she could not have afforded to come.
We have a blast in Malia for a week… time came to pay me back. I think I got about £60.
In the end I could have fallen out with her over it, or just wrote it off in my head and never lend her anything again. It did annoy me, but I got over it for the sake of not losing my friendship. I think that’s the same choice you right now. It’s been 6 years, move on or don’t.

I also don't think she 'lost' it. Likely she set it up at her mums when hosting etc and juet let her keep it- maybe as a 'gift?' To someone. And now can't ask for it back!