To think they should still replace it...

[YorkshireRose80]

TLDR:
Friend borrowed expensive item six years ago, lost it and not replaced it despite frequent requests asking for it to be replaced.

Long version:
Six years ago, I bought a £300 fancy BBQ in a sale for £150, I didn't have a suitable garden for it at the time, but it was a bargain so I bought it and stored it away.

Six months later, my friend was asking around to see if anyone had a BBQ she could borrow for her mum's birthday party which friend was hosting. Mine wasn't being used, so I happily lent it to her. She used it and thanked me and said she'd drop it back at some point. As I still didn't have a suitable garden, I said there was no immediate rush.

The following summer, I had a suitable garden and wanted to have a BBQ, but recalled my mate hadn't returned it. I asked her to return it and she apologised for not doing so sooner, but later messaged to say that she's really sorry, she's looked and not been able to find it. Said she must have lost it!

Not quite sure how you can lose a fucking BBQ. I lent it to her unopened, in its box, it weighed a lot and was big and bulky.

I was quite upset, as I'd never even got to use it, but I didn't go off at her as she was pregnant with her first child and she'd had a couple of scares. So, I asked if she could have another look for it and get back to me.

Anyway, long story short, she couldn't find it. I awaited her message to say she'd replace it, but it never came. Her DD was then born and I let it go for a while as she was on mat leave and money was tight. But when she was back working, I asked her outright to replace it and she said she would, but it never materialised.

So, every spring for the past five years I have asked her again if she could please replace my BBQ. She says she will, but doesn't.

I know it's only a BBQ, but it's not something I'd usually be able to afford for the original price and I've held off buying a cheap one, hoping friend will come through with replacement.

Clocks have now gone forward and it's almost time for my annual request for my BBQ! 😅 My mum said I should let it go, but my DH agrees with me and said I should persist for a replacement.

If I lost something I borrowed, expensive or not, I'd replace it straight away.

My friend is doing well for herself and recently got a brand new car, her DD and DS have lovely clothes and lots of tech, so money doesn't seem to be the reason. And if it was, I'd be open to her paying for it in installments.

Soooo....

YABU - Suck it up buttercup, it's gone, get over it.
YANBU - She needs to replace it, regardless of how much time as passed. It's the principle of the matter.

After 6 years I’d let it go, along with the friendship

and all she does is mute the op

and meanwhile op wastes time and energy sending those messages

which she could channel towards finding a bbq on sale and enjoying summer bbqs in her garden. using her own bbq. for the first summer in 7 years.

It's breath-taking how some people will 'lose' something that they've borrowed from another person - whether they have truly lost it or not - and just assume that means it's all OK and they don't have to replace it.

It was MY fault that YOUR property is gone, but it's obviously up to you to fully bear that loss.

can’t say it’s happened to me since i was a teenager and with my sister

Years ago, a boyfriend dumped me. I asked him for my CDs back (showing my age). He said he couldn't find them. I kept on at him for several months - 'Have you found them yet'? etc. I was also asking his brother and friends if they could chase it up.
He eventually handed them back and they all laughed at me for being so petty about some CDs.

Petty, maybe. But you don't get to keep something that belongs to someone else or not replace it if it got lost just because you decide to.

Make sure you send her links to places with free delivery then there are no excuses about collection.

Interesting how YOU were 'petty' for wanting your property back, whereas HE apparently wasn't being petty in childishly keeping hold of them instead of returning them to you promptly when asked.

Surely a bunch of CDs are either petty or they aren't; he can't have it both ways.

I would buy one then message her and say ‘you owe me xxx for the bbq I have replaced it myself’ how would you like to pay even give a deadline

She should absolutely replace it but if I’m honest, she’s not much of a friend & seems unlikely she will after so long. Ask once more & if she’s not forthcoming, stop hanging out with her. I mean - how do you loose a bbq - there’s obviously more to this! It’s either been constantly used & is now too knackered to return or something. There literally isn’t an acceptable answer though - other than for her to replace it!!

How do you lose a BBQ? I’m afraid I can’t get past that bit 😂

But if she has been stringing you along for so many years I would just accept that you will get neither BBQ nor ££ from her and she’s not that great a friend either.

I once lent a sewing machine to a friend, for various reasons we lost touch, I never asked for it back & now it seems a bit churlish to get in touch just to ask for it back so I’ve just written it off as “one of those things”.

Lose the friend. She is no friend....

Just ask her for the money. If you wait for her to get a bbq, you’ll wait forever. Instead I’d say something like, this is getting embarrassing now as you’ve said you’d replace my brand new bbq that you “lost” and you still haven't. I didn’t push it when you were hard up on maternity leave but you’re back at work now so here is my bank account to transfer the cash and I’ll go buy one. I’d appreciate it by the end of the week so I can buy one at the weekend. Thanks

She’s lying, nobody loses a BBQ. I’m sorry your friend is an AH. I hope you get some money but I doubt it after so long 😔

There's absolutely no way she lost a massive fancy bbq, she used it from the time you lent it to her, thinking you'd never ask for it back and was too embarrassed to give it back when you did, because it was clearly very used.

Let it go, buy a new bbq and enjoy it. I'd side-eye this friend forevermore.

You say

"Hi x, I know I've asked for the past few years about the BBQ you borrowed and didn't return but I really must insist that it's either returned or replaced this year. While I understand losing something is easily done, it was new in it's box and hadn't actually been used yet. It's not something that I can afford to replace, or should have to. Here's the link for the model that you had borrowed and here's our address for delivery. Let me know when it's shipping so I can keep an eye out for the delivery! Thanks x"

I guess just send her the link to the model (or the most similar current version) and ask will she order it or send you a bank transfer to buy it again - as you’re easy either way. If she doesn’t reply in a couple of days send endless follow ups and start calling her every day or so. “I’m hosting a BBQ start of May, please tell me you’ve ordered it?!”…. “Following up?” “Following up again!”
relentless. She’s no friend but hopefully you can embarrass her into replacing it if she doesn’t block you. If she does, you were never getting it back.

I would invite her and her family over for dinner and then just present them with some raw sausages and burgers in a bun saying that you were doing a bbq for them but as there was nothing for you to cook it on this is what they were having.
Not to be petty or anything 🤣🤣

I don’t think she’s going to replace it ever, so unless there is something you’re planning on doing about it, i.e. “hi there, unless you’re planning on replacing the BBQ by x date then unfortunately I am going to…”, I’d let it go. I think the time to make a fuss was a few years ago really. But she would no longer be my friend whether she replaced it or not.

Decide whether the money is as important as the friendship. Yes she should have replaced it but she hasn't for five years now. If you really want that 150.00 ask her face to face for it. It is likely that even if she pays you that the friendship will fizzle out. If you are prepared for this then fine. If not let it go.

This is silly. The other person clearly feels a free BBQ is better than friendship so why should @YorkshireRose80 let it go?

She "lost" your BBQ SIX years ago, you've sent annual fruitless texts for a replacement but you're still "friends"?!

How very fucking odd.

I reckon her mum and / or dad assumed your friend had bought them the barbecue as their birthday present!

My only conclusion is that this is not a friendship!

Just say 'Hi Barbie, please can you transfer me £150 so I can replace the BBQ I loaned you and never got back. It's gone on way too long now!'

She was very much in the wrong, but six years have elapsed. You won't get it back now.
What can you learn from this?