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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think they should still replace it...

336 replies

YorkshireRose80 · 04/04/2024 10:47

TLDR:
Friend borrowed expensive item six years ago, lost it and not replaced it despite frequent requests asking for it to be replaced.

Long version:
Six years ago, I bought a £300 fancy BBQ in a sale for £150, I didn't have a suitable garden for it at the time, but it was a bargain so I bought it and stored it away.

Six months later, my friend was asking around to see if anyone had a BBQ she could borrow for her mum's birthday party which friend was hosting. Mine wasn't being used, so I happily lent it to her. She used it and thanked me and said she'd drop it back at some point. As I still didn't have a suitable garden, I said there was no immediate rush.

The following summer, I had a suitable garden and wanted to have a BBQ, but recalled my mate hadn't returned it. I asked her to return it and she apologised for not doing so sooner, but later messaged to say that she's really sorry, she's looked and not been able to find it. Said she must have lost it!

Not quite sure how you can lose a fucking BBQ. I lent it to her unopened, in its box, it weighed a lot and was big and bulky.

I was quite upset, as I'd never even got to use it, but I didn't go off at her as she was pregnant with her first child and she'd had a couple of scares. So, I asked if she could have another look for it and get back to me.

Anyway, long story short, she couldn't find it. I awaited her message to say she'd replace it, but it never came. Her DD was then born and I let it go for a while as she was on mat leave and money was tight. But when she was back working, I asked her outright to replace it and she said she would, but it never materialised.

So, every spring for the past five years I have asked her again if she could please replace my BBQ. She says she will, but doesn't.

I know it's only a BBQ, but it's not something I'd usually be able to afford for the original price and I've held off buying a cheap one, hoping friend will come through with replacement.

Clocks have now gone forward and it's almost time for my annual request for my BBQ! 😅 My mum said I should let it go, but my DH agrees with me and said I should persist for a replacement.

If I lost something I borrowed, expensive or not, I'd replace it straight away.

My friend is doing well for herself and recently got a brand new car, her DD and DS have lovely clothes and lots of tech, so money doesn't seem to be the reason. And if it was, I'd be open to her paying for it in installments.

Soooo....

YABU - Suck it up buttercup, it's gone, get over it.
YANBU - She needs to replace it, regardless of how much time as passed. It's the principle of the matter.

OP posts:
CallMikeBanning · 04/04/2024 14:41

You bought a BBQ 6 years ago but didn't have a big enough garden or anywhere to store it. You lent to a friend who used it and stored it for you. Let it go.

DirtyDensDog · 04/04/2024 14:41

NuffSaidSam · 04/04/2024 10:56

Or invite her over for a BBQ and have nothing when she gets there and see if it sinks in.

Brilliant

Whatifthehokeycokey · 04/04/2024 14:45

She's clearly not going to return it or replace it if you've been asking for five years.

Mammma91 · 04/04/2024 14:47

YANBU. I’d be mortified if I lost something belonging to someone else. I don’t think I could admit it straight away - I’d replace with an exact model and if I couldn’t find it, I’d give the exact value for a new replacement in cash with an apology. Sounds like she’s given it away or sold it though, it’s not ‘lost’.

SantasRubiksCube · 04/04/2024 14:53

I'd ask for it back/for it to be replaced one more time, if she still doesn't (which I doubt she would bother after all this time) then I wouldn't bother talking to her again, she's obviously not a very good friend if she can't be honest and tell you what's really happened to it, how does someone lose a huge BBQ 😵‍💫 I bet she still has it and uses it every summer

pootlin · 04/04/2024 14:55

I think write off the BBQ but NEVER see the cunt again.

BrightLightTonight · 04/04/2024 14:56

I would buy a new one, and send her a message saying “you owe me £nn” for the replacement BBQ, and send them your bank details

CactusMactus · 04/04/2024 15:08

Ask to borrow something expensive then sell it and buy a bbq.

Maddy70 · 04/04/2024 15:12

The reality is after 6 years you aren't getting it

You have 2 choices. Keep reminding her forever more

Forget the friendship and move on

Terrribletwos · 04/04/2024 15:12

YorkshireRose80 · 04/04/2024 10:47

TLDR:
Friend borrowed expensive item six years ago, lost it and not replaced it despite frequent requests asking for it to be replaced.

Long version:
Six years ago, I bought a £300 fancy BBQ in a sale for £150, I didn't have a suitable garden for it at the time, but it was a bargain so I bought it and stored it away.

Six months later, my friend was asking around to see if anyone had a BBQ she could borrow for her mum's birthday party which friend was hosting. Mine wasn't being used, so I happily lent it to her. She used it and thanked me and said she'd drop it back at some point. As I still didn't have a suitable garden, I said there was no immediate rush.

The following summer, I had a suitable garden and wanted to have a BBQ, but recalled my mate hadn't returned it. I asked her to return it and she apologised for not doing so sooner, but later messaged to say that she's really sorry, she's looked and not been able to find it. Said she must have lost it!

Not quite sure how you can lose a fucking BBQ. I lent it to her unopened, in its box, it weighed a lot and was big and bulky.

I was quite upset, as I'd never even got to use it, but I didn't go off at her as she was pregnant with her first child and she'd had a couple of scares. So, I asked if she could have another look for it and get back to me.

Anyway, long story short, she couldn't find it. I awaited her message to say she'd replace it, but it never came. Her DD was then born and I let it go for a while as she was on mat leave and money was tight. But when she was back working, I asked her outright to replace it and she said she would, but it never materialised.

So, every spring for the past five years I have asked her again if she could please replace my BBQ. She says she will, but doesn't.

I know it's only a BBQ, but it's not something I'd usually be able to afford for the original price and I've held off buying a cheap one, hoping friend will come through with replacement.

Clocks have now gone forward and it's almost time for my annual request for my BBQ! 😅 My mum said I should let it go, but my DH agrees with me and said I should persist for a replacement.

If I lost something I borrowed, expensive or not, I'd replace it straight away.

My friend is doing well for herself and recently got a brand new car, her DD and DS have lovely clothes and lots of tech, so money doesn't seem to be the reason. And if it was, I'd be open to her paying for it in installments.

Soooo....

YABU - Suck it up buttercup, it's gone, get over it.
YANBU - She needs to replace it, regardless of how much time as passed. It's the principle of the matter.

I think after 5 years(!) you need to let it go and be very careful about what you lend to her again.

slippedonabanana · 04/04/2024 15:12

I'm guessing it's a relative rather than a friend. Surely there's no way you'd still be in contact with a 'friend' after they had done this? Probably a bit daft to lend a BBQ to a friend for her other friend though. They can easily get trashed if not used correctly.

MaybeRevisitYourWipingT3chnique · 04/04/2024 15:35

CallMikeBanning · 04/04/2024 14:41

You bought a BBQ 6 years ago but didn't have a big enough garden or anywhere to store it. You lent to a friend who used it and stored it for you. Let it go.

Not the most profitable 'investment' for OP, thought, is it?

randomusernam · 04/04/2024 15:35

Got to say yabu on this one. You should never lend something for that length of time and expect it returned.

MaybeRevisitYourWipingT3chnique · 04/04/2024 15:42

This thread reminds me of another one from a couple of years or so ago, where OP had a 7-seater car that she was selling. Although it was worth a reasonable amount, she kindly offered to give it to a school mum, who she always saw struggling to get her kids to school, especially in the rain, after her own car had 'died' and she knew didn't have much money.

The mum was so grateful for it, but almost immediately afterwards, OP saw her walking the kids in the rain again and the car never on their (empty) drive. It turned out that she'd sold it straightaway - iirc, she'd used some of the money from it to buy a barbecue!!

Also, the 'Antique Ram Castrator' thread!

Concannon88 · 04/04/2024 15:44

@YorkshireRose80 at best you are silly and naive to lend something brand new that you've never used to a friend and not ask for it back after the first BBQ she had. She clearly thought of it as hers. She can't have misplaced a BBQ so she's either broken it or thinks of it as hers now, which shows her character, shes not going to pay for a new one.

AGodawfulsmallaffair · 04/04/2024 15:47

NuffSaidSam · 04/04/2024 10:56

Or invite her over for a BBQ and have nothing when she gets there and see if it sinks in.

I like this a lot.

Original poster
YorkshireRose80 · 04/04/2024 16:03

CallMikeBanning · 04/04/2024 14:41

You bought a BBQ 6 years ago but didn't have a big enough garden or anywhere to store it. You lent to a friend who used it and stored it for you. Let it go.

I did have somewhere to store it, it was being stored in my lock up. I didn't have much of a garden at the time, but bought it and stored it until I would have the following year.

And seeing as it's vanished into thin air, my friend didn't store it either!

OP posts:
mewkins · 04/04/2024 16:10

BrightLightTonight · 04/04/2024 14:56

I would buy a new one, and send her a message saying “you owe me £nn” for the replacement BBQ, and send them your bank details

I'd do this and also stipulate a date for when it needs to be paid by. You need to be really specific otherwise she will agree and then ignore.

PossumintheHouse · 04/04/2024 16:13

MaybeRevisitYourWipingT3chnique · 04/04/2024 15:42

This thread reminds me of another one from a couple of years or so ago, where OP had a 7-seater car that she was selling. Although it was worth a reasonable amount, she kindly offered to give it to a school mum, who she always saw struggling to get her kids to school, especially in the rain, after her own car had 'died' and she knew didn't have much money.

The mum was so grateful for it, but almost immediately afterwards, OP saw her walking the kids in the rain again and the car never on their (empty) drive. It turned out that she'd sold it straightaway - iirc, she'd used some of the money from it to buy a barbecue!!

Also, the 'Antique Ram Castrator' thread!

I'd be livid. Did your friend confront her, and what did she have to say for herself!? Prime time CFuckery.

ToxicChristmas · 04/04/2024 16:13

Absolute bullshit -she hasn't lost it at all. Nobody loses a bloody BBQ. She's either sold it, broken and binned it, or given it away. The lie would annoy me more than the actual BBQ being gone.
I'd write a straightforward message asking for the BBQ back ASAP or the money so you can replace it. If she has the brass balls to strop about it you know she's a shit mate.

RecycleMeNow · 04/04/2024 16:18

People are so passive sometimes. You have asked every year and then let it go? If it bothered you, you needed to be more assertive at the time and asked for a replacement ASAP or the money. You can’t make another half-hearted request this year and let it go.

She damaged it and hasn’t returned it. Decent people do not behave this way. Ugh.

pleasecallmeback · 04/04/2024 16:19

I once gave a friend's teenage daughter lots of unused baby equipment, high chair, rocking crib, baby bouncer, unused car seat, fold up buggy, never worn newborn clothes - because her mum said the partner has buggered off and she had nothing and no money for the baby. Within a week, I saw the stuff on eBay and when I asked about it, friend said daughter wanted money to buy new stuff. I told her to remove the listing and give me back my items, I hadn't given them to her so she could sell them. I donated the whole lot to a women's refuge in Yorkshire.

Your BBQ friend has sold it. Buy another equivalent and send her an invoice.

RedHelenB · 04/04/2024 16:23

YorkshireRose80 · 04/04/2024 11:03

My neighbour is a close friend and has trundled her BBQ round a few times for me to use... and return.

Show quote history

Yabu, this gets more batshut with each update.

Nchanged89 · 04/04/2024 16:33

You can keep asking, but she's not replacing it.
She's not a friend really is she behaving like this?

Pluviophile1 · 04/04/2024 16:37

Dear Sarah,
Despite me asking each year for the past 5 years, you are clearly not planning to return or replace the BBQ you took. You owe me a BBQ. Here are my bank details. Please deposit £150 (the cost of the BBQ you took and did not return) by Monday 8th at the latest.