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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Why does this mum keep doing this

151 replies

Sillyoldfoxdoesntheknow · 04/04/2024 10:05

Nice mum at school, her Dds and mine really like each other and have known each other last year and this year. She also only lives a walk away, around the corner.
Quite a few times now, she’s been inviting us to come and play at the house, I’m very enthusiastic in my responses as my Dd adores the girls, she goes on and on about it, says she’s put it in the diary and will contact me, the girls get excited (especially my Dd) and then…nothing.
It’s the same this holiday, she said the Wednesday or Thursday (yesterday and today) as they were back last week and we go away tomorrow..and no text. Am I supposed to text her when it’s her house as that seems weird?
Dd has lots of friends and some neighbour pals to play with on the street, but it’s not really about that, she gets so excited each time and plans it
Does this mum just forget/become busy? Why keep saying it if you don’t want it to happen?

OP posts:
mamacorn1 · 04/04/2024 10:08

Stop telling your kids and be upfront with the other mum “ that would be lovely, but you always forgot to text me so it doesn’t happen and my kids are disappointed- tell you what , you text a date and time and then ill tel the kids”

my gut instinct is she has no intention of having a get together at hers but is waiting for you to offer her a play date so she has free childcare.

Seedpods · 04/04/2024 10:08

Well, we don’t know. In future, text the day before and say ‘Are you still on for a play date at yours tomorrow? What time?’

meganorks · 04/04/2024 10:12

I don't know why she does it. But I also don't know why you wouldn't text to check. Eg. Tuesday evening 'are we still on for a catch up? Are we doing tomorrow or thurs?'

I often don't tell my kids plans till the day before once confirmed. They can't handle waiting too long and often things change

IncompleteSenten · 04/04/2024 10:12

Could be a few things. She's flakey, she feels put on the spot, she's disorganised etc

Text her the day before and say what time do you want us to come over tomorrow?

If it's up in the air with two days then you text at the beginning of the week with hi, did you check which day is better for you?

You'll either get a confirmation of firm plans or she'll stay vague.

If she stays vague then that means she doesn't really want to do it. don't push it but also don't entertain further conversations about playdates and don't let your daughter think they will happen.

Original poster
Sillyoldfoxdoesntheknow · 04/04/2024 10:12

@mamacorn1 I don’t tell my Dd, the mum says it in front of Dd after school and often asks Dd, who gets all excited and the girls hug each other/jump up and down etc

OP posts:
Shinyandnew1 · 04/04/2024 10:13

It’s difficult to tell from your post whether she’s forgetful, gets carried away in the moment and didn’t mean the incite, or is trying to prompt you to have a play date at yours?

How many times have her girls been to yours? How many times has your daughter been to hers?

I’d be tempted to text and say, ‘shall we still do something today with the girls-would they like to come to us to play?’

Then the play date will still happen but you aren’t inviting yourselves to hers?

CourtenayDevon · 04/04/2024 10:15

Why don't you message before said arrangements to check if it's still going ahead?

Original poster
Sillyoldfoxdoesntheknow · 04/04/2024 10:17

@Shinyandnew1 Theyve never been to each other houses, but to each others parties. We have a solid set of 6 friends (my friends and their kids, her friends who’ve we’ve played with for years) and tend to plan things with them, it it’s more low key and the neighbour kids just pop by to play. When she says it, I do say, the girls are welcome to come to mine too, but she seems more keen on us going there. She makes a big deal of it and seems v enthusiastic, that’s the part that confuses me, she makes all the effort and it’s definitely not that she’s put on the spot. I’m thinking she forgets/things happen, which I totally get

OP posts:
Carpetmoth · 04/04/2024 10:21

If going to someone's has been suggested I see no problem with messaging.

'Name has been so excited to come and play to yours after you mentioned it. Is that still ok? We are available on ... Let me know'... Or something along those lines.

I do this although it is to people I know better than just school run mums.
If she says no or ignores the message I'd be tempted to say not to mention things in front of the kids next time she's thinking of a meet up.

Laiste · 04/04/2024 10:21

What does she say if you text the day before to ask if it's still going ahead?

I mean once a date and time is set for the next day - surely you just turn up ... ?

Maybe she'd write ''AIBU - There's this mum who i arrange stuff with who never turns up!''

Shinyandnew1 · 04/04/2024 10:21

Sillyoldfoxdoesntheknow · 04/04/2024 10:17

@Shinyandnew1 Theyve never been to each other houses, but to each others parties. We have a solid set of 6 friends (my friends and their kids, her friends who’ve we’ve played with for years) and tend to plan things with them, it it’s more low key and the neighbour kids just pop by to play. When she says it, I do say, the girls are welcome to come to mine too, but she seems more keen on us going there. She makes a big deal of it and seems v enthusiastic, that’s the part that confuses me, she makes all the effort and it’s definitely not that she’s put on the spot. I’m thinking she forgets/things happen, which I totally get

Just send a follow up text then seeing what she says. Ask if she fancies getting together today as she suggested and if they’d rather come to you? That’s less putting her on the spot.

If she says, ‘omg, I forgot I said that!!’-you’ll have an answer!

SoupDragon · 04/04/2024 10:24

When she says it, I do say, the girls are welcome to come to mine too, but she seems more keen on us going there

Do you ever follow through on saying that they are welcome to come to yours?

Original poster
Sillyoldfoxdoesntheknow · 04/04/2024 10:26

@SoupDragon No, because I say it casually in response to her making arrangements about going to hers, she’s always so keen for that, I assume we’re going there, then will do an invite back

OP posts:
Original poster
Sillyoldfoxdoesntheknow · 04/04/2024 10:27

@Laiste The day and time isn’t definitely set or of course we’d just go, she mentioned a couple of days ‘Towards the end of the week’ said she’d put it for sure in her diary then contact me

OP posts:
Thepeopleversuswork · 04/04/2024 10:29

I also don’t know why you wouldn’t just check? It’s totally reasonable that you want to plan rather than sitting around waiting.

As to why she does it who knows. Some people say “it would be lovely” to do something but don’t really mean it, they are just making small talk. Some people are disorganised. She may have issues you don’t know about.

It could be anything but you can’t expect her to drive everything forwards. Just ask her what her plans are.

User373433 · 04/04/2024 10:34

Well actually I would say typically the onus is on you, the invited guest that is supposed to message 'are we still on for play date today/tomorrow? DD is really excited'

Personally when I've invited people and they don't message me to confirm they are still coming I think it is them being flakey 😂. It seems a bit pushy to me to ask an invited person if they are still coming, but manners to check the invite is still open. I know she said she would message you, but that is just a comment like 'see you later' when you aren't seeing the person later and not to be taken literally.

Stop waiting around and contact her yourself she is probably wondering where you are.

Original poster
Sillyoldfoxdoesntheknow · 04/04/2024 10:37

@User373433 But there was no set time or day and she said she’d let me know, surely that’s up to her, feels weird texting hi are we coming over then

OP posts:
stayathomer · 04/04/2024 10:39

Did you ever see the Friends where Chandler says at the end of every conversation ‘well this was great, we must do it again sometime?’ maybe she says it but it’s conversation and then she lets it slide? To be honest I find it harder when you say ‘ we might have a meet up’ and someone says ‘oh right, what day, what time’ etc. I don’t know yet, I have to check!!!

Original poster
Sillyoldfoxdoesntheknow · 04/04/2024 10:41

@stayathomer No, I don’t press her, it’s her making a big thing of it, that’s what I don’t understand, she’s actively organising it, not to be polite 😂

OP posts:
Newnamesameoldlurker · 04/04/2024 10:42

I would take the reins here and invite her over to yours with a definite date and time. Then see if she reciprocates properly. I agree with pp that she's up for a playdate but probably doesn't want to actually host it!

stayathomer · 04/04/2024 10:43

Sillyoldfoxdoesntheknow
sorry just read what I said back, I just mean the people that want everything organised and noted in a diary the second they say it- I actually didn’t mean you!!!

KalaMush · 04/04/2024 10:53

I would text with an invite to yours instead. "Hi X, DD would love to meet up with your DD, are you around tomorrow? Would you like to come here?"

TheSnowyOwl · 04/04/2024 10:57

Sillyoldfoxdoesntheknow · 04/04/2024 10:37

@User373433 But there was no set time or day and she said she’d let me know, surely that’s up to her, feels weird texting hi are we coming over then

Just text “I’ve got our play date in my diary for tomorrow. Is that still on? You’re very welcome here if that’s more convenient.”

SoupDragon · 04/04/2024 11:02

Sillyoldfoxdoesntheknow · 04/04/2024 10:26

@SoupDragon No, because I say it casually in response to her making arrangements about going to hers, she’s always so keen for that, I assume we’re going there, then will do an invite back

Then follow through on your own invite, however vague it was. I get that her "invites" were more firm but you've also never followed through on arranging a play date.

Shinyandnew1 · 04/04/2024 11:04

Glad lots of people are saying the same thing and suggesting the Op texts her to ask if she still wants to meet up-are you going to do that, @Sillyoldfoxdoesntheknow ?