Why does this mum keep doing this

[Sillyoldfoxdoesntheknow]

Nice mum at school, her Dds and mine really like each other and have known each other last year and this year. She also only lives a walk away, around the corner.
Quite a few times now, she’s been inviting us to come and play at the house, I’m very enthusiastic in my responses as my Dd adores the girls, she goes on and on about it, says she’s put it in the diary and will contact me, the girls get excited (especially my Dd) and then…nothing.
It’s the same this holiday, she said the Wednesday or Thursday (yesterday and today) as they were back last week and we go away tomorrow..and no text. Am I supposed to text her when it’s her house as that seems weird?
Dd has lots of friends and some neighbour pals to play with on the street, but it’s not really about that, she gets so excited each time and plans it
Does this mum just forget/become busy? Why keep saying it if you don’t want it to happen?

There was a thread here a few weeks ago that was basically the opposite of this one. Someone who kept making the enthusiastic first step and then was baffled why the second person never followed up. Maybe that's your friend?!

You just need to communicate clearly. Maybe she's waiting for your follow-up? Just message her.

You need to say to the Mum that she needs to stop saying things in front of your child as she gets very excited and then let down when the play dates don't happen.

It's that simple.

Try (once) confirming or inviting for a specific time and place by text or WhatsApp.

If no helpful response then give up and avoid her at pickup! Your DD doesn't need it.

I have a few people like this in my life and tbh I have cut down how much I see them as it drives me bonkers. In my experience it tend to boil down to:

1 People who say things socially they don't really mean ("we must do lunch") which trips you up if you don't do that yourself (I would never enthusiastically invite someone if I didn't mean it!)
2 People who are scatty and forget or they'd rather you organise it/can also be anxiety about some aspect of it (state of house etc)/never know what's actually in their diary
3 People who have a lot of flexibility in their lives and don't really comprehend that others don't

I have come across all of these. Judge people by what they do not what they say is the best plan. Words are just words.

my SIL is like this, she has all the best intentions at the time but she's a complete a flake. I've stopped telling DD when she's 'making plans' or if they're mentioned in front of her I tell DD not to get her hopes up. It's difficult as we've had many tears over this but there's nothing I can do about it. It doesn't matter if I push for plans or things are set in stone because she then backs out 30 mins before the playdate.

Maybe she is saying the same thing about you. "I keep inviting them round and then hear nothing".

You've got this woman's mobile number. Why haven't you spoken to her?

Call her. Talk to her. That's the only way to resolve this.

Jesus Christ, as loads of PPs are suggesting, why don't you text HER?

Just text her?

Hi, are we still on for this week? What day/time suits?

My neighbour is like this! Lovely lady who will chat for hours (if allowed!) and who finishes every conversation with a “you must come for dinner!” Or “we must have you round!”
It’s been 4 years and we’ve never had dinner or been round 🤣I’m 100% sure she means it in the moment but then is too flakey to follow through. The only time it bothered me is when she offered to have us over so DC could use a specific thing at their house and DC got upset when she didn’t make good on the offer.

As others have said I’d also message her even if there isn’t a specific day planned - “hiya, just checking if you’re still happy to have DD for a play date this week? We can do Friday xx” or something like that. She might just be being polite (but why make it so enthusiastic?), she may be genuinely disorganised or she might think you don’t want to come because you don’t follow up with her.

If you message her and still nothing happens then the next time she says something I’d say “ok well you message me about it because you weren’t free last time” and then take every other invite with a pinch of salt. I feel sorry for your DD that she’s disappointed ☹️ flaky people are rubbish

She just likes appearing to be friendly, welcoming, a source of excitement for the kids etc but she doesn't actually want to host. She's full of it.

@Sameratdifferenthat Do you think so?

Those saying just text her, she’s really nice, but tbh i‘m quite happy not to go, I’m ok with it, but if she’d followed through, I would have taken Dd

She might be ADHD. I kind of do this stuff. I have really good intentions but I am just too disorganised to see it through.

Maybe she thinks you're not interested because you haven't confirmed/reconfirmed?? To be honest given you said you're not bothered it sounds like that's the case.

If you want the playdate then text her to say "still on for xxx?". If she flakes then you'll know for sure.

I'm quite a socially awkward mum when it comes to these things so I'd be giving her the benefit of the doubt and sending a text. Perhaps after she's been so enthusiastic she's expecting a text off you to confirm nearer the time? She might think you're not interested. I agree with everyone else here who has suggested you send a text. Your DD is excited, so make it happen.

I added her on Fb about a month ago and she hasn’t accepted or seen? my request

Just send her a text inviting her and the girls over for a coffee. Do it now and see what her reply is.

She's maybe issuing the invite 'in the moment' as she knows her children will like that idea? What's happening immediately before she issues the invite? Is it a way to distract her child from something?
It does sound like the equivalent of 'oh we must meet up soon for a coffee', unless a firm day/time is agreed there and then, it's a polite conversation thing and there's no intention of following it through.
I think for your child's sake, you need to have a conversation to say please don't issue any more playdate invites in front of the children, as they don't understand that sometimes things get in the way and the arrangement can't go ahead.
It's not fair to any of the children to be building their hopes up like this. I'd stick with your other families who do follow through on arrangements etc. etc.

FB has fallen out of use gradually for most of us. Whereas 20 years ago my entire life was organised via Facebook and messenger! We tend to use WhatsApp now. If you have her number, can you add her on WhatsApp?

Maybe she suffers from a bit of anxiety/depression, and likes the idea of having playdates for her dd but it just overwhelms her when it gets to that point. She could have specific anxiety around having people in the house, for example. Or maybe her mental health is just up and down. Or she has a difficult partner, and doesn't want anyone over when he/she is making things hard.....

There are lots of possible reasons to be fair. Many of them understandable but also I do see your frustration.

You could reach out with a text, say, I'd really love to bring DD over and you and I could catch up for a coffee? If you want to and have time to. That might help her if she is somebody who feels socially insecure, and she feels pushy in texting you..... That might be kindest - one text. Then leave it is she doesn't respond, or makes excuses.....

Or you could leave it anyway, but then accept you will probably never know why she does this....

My guess would be that she has pda or an illness/disability that plays up meaning she wants to do the things she suggests but later finds she can’t, and is too embarrassed to explain why.

But that’s just because I know someone that applies to.

Id say I’ve got other plans so can we sort a date and time now.

Or even message the other people are we still on for this week, what day etc.

I think sometimes people struggle to make conversation then say let’s have a play date and it doesn’t happen. Sometimes it’s a conversation starter.

I need to know what I’m doing so this would drive me nuts.

I’d just message and say did you still want to get together today?

I have a friend like this and she is really just that flakey and self involved. She has also made plans with us in the past and cancelled on the day for something better. And double booked us with someone else.
The one time she was supposed pick us up to go somewhere, but decided just to go straight to the venue because she was running late. Didn't let us know of course and then when I called, she didn't even have my number on her phone.
I just gave up in the end because we clearly don't matter to her.
She also doesn't pick up her messages sometimes for days either. Or ignores them on purpose. 😂

My advice is:
1 don't tell your kids
2 arrange the time and date when she says to do it.
3 text her
4 turn up at agreed time.

Yes, she's flakey, but it's probably not deliberate. She's probably too busy/distracted to remember, and then by the time you text her, she's decided it's because you're cross or want to cancel so she gets in there first.

Get rid of all the uncertainty.

Just invite hers over. Ask then when she agrees, text a confirmation like 'just checking is there anything dd doesn't eat?'
Then the day before text again saying ' looking forward to having dd over tomorrow'

Once she's come to yours then when she asks your back do the text things again