Why does this mum keep doing this

[Sillyoldfoxdoesntheknow]

Nice mum at school, her Dds and mine really like each other and have known each other last year and this year. She also only lives a walk away, around the corner.
Quite a few times now, she’s been inviting us to come and play at the house, I’m very enthusiastic in my responses as my Dd adores the girls, she goes on and on about it, says she’s put it in the diary and will contact me, the girls get excited (especially my Dd) and then…nothing.
It’s the same this holiday, she said the Wednesday or Thursday (yesterday and today) as they were back last week and we go away tomorrow..and no text. Am I supposed to text her when it’s her house as that seems weird?
Dd has lots of friends and some neighbour pals to play with on the street, but it’s not really about that, she gets so excited each time and plans it
Does this mum just forget/become busy? Why keep saying it if you don’t want it to happen?

She just sounds scatty and not very well organised.

I wouldn't take it personally, or try to analyse it at all. Forget it and get your DD used to some people being this unreliable!

Just forgot about her. If you want tyour kids to see hers just invite them over.

This is so weird. Why on earth wouldn’t you text her and just say “Are we still on for tomorrow? What do you fancy- yours/mine/park?” type thing?

I would expect the person who said they would text me what day suits them to invite me for to actually do text me. It wouldnt occure to me that you expect me to text you to ask.

If your DD is keen I'd text the mother a few days before the day she's said she's free inviting them to your house. Depends how much you'd value the play date though.

I think as she’s put the date in the diary that you can message ‘still on for tomorrow? You’re welcome to come here?’

It would drive me mad to have things in the diary and not be firming up the plan the day before. Someone needs to message, doesn’t matter who.

my gut instinct is she has no intention of having a get together at hers but is waiting for you to offer her a play date so she has free childcare.

This. ⬆️

Social anxiety? I have it. I’ll get days where I feel super social and initiate stuff and then suddenly my whole mindset shifts and I’ll wish I’d never reached out to anyone. Will instead just want to hide away and hibernate.

I’m well aware it’s unacceptable behaviour and have already lost friends through it, but can’t seem to change. Just sharing as it’s one possible explanation!

I had a mum do this to me, make vague plans in front of my DD who got really excited and kept asking. The few times I actually followed up she cancelled. So when she tried arranging play dates again I just told her she’s disappointed my DD in the past.
She stopped mentioning in front of my DD and we never ever round.

Just invite her daughter and her round. Also just text to follow up on her invites, why wouldn't you? - 'just remembered we agreed to do a play date Thurs/Fri and you were going to confirm which - are you still up for this? No worries if not but keen to get ourselves organised. '

I do this all the time

When I say it, I am enthusiastic.and mean it

But I get home and think, nah, cba

I know it's super annoying

I never actually say, oh, x date and x time. I just say, oh, at some point, etc.

I had a friend that used to do this a lot when the kids were little. My DS used to get so upset, in the end I never let on that the plan was to meet up as 9 times out of 10 it didn’t happen, even if she was supposed to come to mine. It turns out she had really bad anxiety so couldn’t go through with the play date when it actually came to it…it was very sad 😔. Could this be going on here?

Why can't you text her and just say 'Hi, are we still on for the playdate on Weds, or did we agree Thurs, can't quite remember.'

Perhaps she is waiting for you to make the next move, as confirmation that you really want to go.

She’s v confident and outgoing, wouldn’t say was social anxiety at all and I can tell I think as I can suffer from it

I have to admit, im this Mum!!

I have all of the best intentions when i say it but then life just seems to get in the way. In all honesty i do have time to organise it, but sometimes my mental load is quite high and it just doesnt reach the top of the mental priority list.

If you were to text me as PP's have suggested and said "Are we still on for tomorrow?" it would help me with prioritising it and sorting it out!

@Shry please don’t be so shitty. I’ve been in the same position as the OP (except not remotely friends with the mum and don’t live round the corner). It’s heart breaking to watch your DD get repeatedly excited about a play date only to have it cancelled/no response. The mum of my dd’s friend repeatedly invited my daughter over, then either cancelled or was just too rude to reply to messages with dates or would reply a month later with ‘we can do tomorrow’ on the assumption that I’d kept all 6 dates I’d sent free so that when she could be bothered to fit dd into her schedule she would. I’m not going to play the ‘I’m busier than you’game…we are all pretty busy these days- you don’t need to go out of your way, in fact you need to do LESS in this situation- just don’t offer in the first place.

A mum friend of mine is a bit like this. Before most school holidays she will see me in passing on the school run and say ‘let me know when you’re free and we can meet up’, so I text her with days we are free, and then….I never hear from her! Then when I next see her on the school run, she’ll say ‘oh we must meet up for coffee sometime, it’ll be great to catch up’ etc. I don’t think I’ll bother next time she asks.

I would actually tell her outright that its upsetting the children keep saying there will be playdates and they dont happen

Thats not really acceptable . If you know you are like it then dont keep setting children up for disappointments

Thats just selfish and mean to the children.Just say no to start with

@Sillyoldfoxdoesntheknow I think she is insincere. I have had this at different stages of my life - with a colleague, with a parent friend like this. They say it and they don't mean it, because they think its the right thing to say and then they immediately forget about it because they don't mean it. Just smile, move on. I would recommend stopping hoping any kind of playdate will ever happen.

i was going to say the same thing but nearly everyone I know is like this. Most were (eldest is nearly 17 so not relevant now) just vague about play date arrangements, almost an expression of politeness. I didn’t used to be but got let down time and time again or rather my DC did so I just felt if you can’t beat them, join them. Where I live lots of socialising happens in the park after school but obviously that is not so much the case in the winter, it is flakey central where I live though.

I don’t think you’re being unreasonable as such, but I do think there’s probably a bigger picture you’re not seeing.
I’ve been the other mum, and had every intention of setting up a play date so enthusiastically mentioned that intention, but as a carer and partner of someone with a serious illness, on top of the usual job, afterschool clubs, homework etc, sometimes the days just seem to disappear. Try not to take it personally.

I have done this sometimes, usually it's over optimism in my ability to plan, or sometimes I feel to anxious to actually message. I try to avoid offering vaguely without being specific now as I know it pisses people off. Maybe next time she asks go yes that would be lovely.... when?