Why does this mum keep doing this

[Sillyoldfoxdoesntheknow]

Nice mum at school, her Dds and mine really like each other and have known each other last year and this year. She also only lives a walk away, around the corner.
Quite a few times now, she’s been inviting us to come and play at the house, I’m very enthusiastic in my responses as my Dd adores the girls, she goes on and on about it, says she’s put it in the diary and will contact me, the girls get excited (especially my Dd) and then…nothing.
It’s the same this holiday, she said the Wednesday or Thursday (yesterday and today) as they were back last week and we go away tomorrow..and no text. Am I supposed to text her when it’s her house as that seems weird?
Dd has lots of friends and some neighbour pals to play with on the street, but it’s not really about that, she gets so excited each time and plans it
Does this mum just forget/become busy? Why keep saying it if you don’t want it to happen?

She just sounds flakey or forgetful. Maybe text her the day before and ask if still on for tomorrow. Tell dc it may not be happening yet hee mum has to confirm if she can do it so not to get hopes up

I wouldn’t mind betting she has anxiety or maybe ADHD. If it’s anxiety she would probably love to host your children and genuinely does want to, but the anxiety stops her progressing it any further. If it’s ADHD again she probably does want to do it but her mind is buzzing with so many other things all the time that it slips her mind. Either way she is likely embarrassed when she does remember and the time has passed and tries to start the process again. I do accept it’s very difficult when she does this in front of your child, I have a family member who will promise my daughter lots of things without checking it’s ok with us first and I hate that because she doesn’t have to deal with the fall out (DD is autistic).

I’ve also just seen your reply along the lines of I don’t think it’s social anxiety and I can tell - I really don’t think you can. Even if you suffer from it yourself we really don’t have any idea what others are going through x

I’d just text and say something like ‘are we still on for meeting tomorrow’?

I had a friend who lived round the corner & was like this. She was an alcoholic.

She arranges for you to go over, but you are the one not going. You're behaving very oddly here OP. Just text "Wednesday is still good for us if you're free, what time shall we come?".

This is just how play dates go. I diarise, message to check timings on the day before and turn up. Equally common the other way round - I invited, we agreed a day, we even agreed a time. The other person still asks if they are coming and checks the time. The play date has never simply not happened.

I get it OP. We had similar with a mum who made a big song and dance twice (completely unprompted and also said directly to my DC). To make it worse, it wasn't just a playdate invitation. She was going to take the kids to a special activity which my DC got really excited about and kept asking me for weeks after. There was no set date or time either, I never heard from her.
Some people are like this, I guess - make a big fuss in the moment but don't really care to make the effort after or keep their word.

The way most people would handle this, is to message her to say "Kids are excited about X, sounds great. What date are you thinking of?"

Oh people that do this drive me nuts. I never tell my kids anymore, because otherwise they get upset and I end up having to do some explaining! However, I would always follow up if she doesn’t - I’d make the effort for the kids. If she still does nothing I’d start avoiding her. We’re all busy, I’m sick and tired of being the only one who makes the effort!

She sounds a real pain in the neck. I couldn't put up with this. When she suggests something I'd just say sorry we're busy those days.

My DC has a good friend with a Mum like this. She generally did make a date but then would frequently cancel last minute declaring illness (including his birthday parties!) which obviously upset him. I’ve stopped bothering now but no idea what was behind it.

I would imagine she is just busy! Have you invited her to yours? I would text her and say “are you still free that weds/thurs you mentioned? If so dd would love to see xx. Your welcome to come to ours, or we can come to you if you prefer”

Having brought up my own children and then my grandchildren too, negotiating primary school politics is always tricky. Its always worse when your child starts pleading can we invite so and so, please, please, please in front of the child and parent. So awkward. But in this case, it is a flaky parent alert. You get to spot them over time. There is also the desperate for free childcare parent who tries various parents who are all unaware of each other.

I think you need to avoid her a bit more at the schoolgates because your priority is your dd and she is regularly disappointing her now. She is just flaky and is also disappointing her own child. Let it go.

I had this with another mum too, years ago when my eldest was little. She'd make them so excited but didn't set a time/day then radio silence. It really annoyed me as my child badgered me, to find out when we're going. In the end I told my daughter that next time x mum said it, she needs to ask when, (day and time) otherwise she forgets. When my daughter asked which day and time, we finally had a play date. I hosted the next but the mum never mentioned another one again, her bad habit of empty promises was finally broken!

could be she is being “ false” making small talk
could be she really wants you to say “ oh yes come to ours as well” so she can either have free childcare or just cos she wants you to say it
could be she’s like one of those people who say “ yes we really must meet up!!!” ( we’ve all done it) and never intend or get round to it cos we’re not really sure how it will go/ not that keen
sorry if none of this helps🤣!

I would try following up once with "are we still on for the playdate tomorow at yours?" also, you could also invite to your place.

Ask her to yours first if she comes she " owes" you a return visit. If that doesn't work , next time she asks just be straight with her that you'd rather she wouldn't suggest meeting up as you don't like to see your child disappointed when it doesn't happen.

Early primary school is often busy with playdates.
She may have chatted to more than one parent about "next week" and then when it came to it only have time for one child. And that child might be the one whose parent messaged asking if the date was still on, or whatever.
I remember the days well. You be chatting to a parent, say "oh we must have Bob over" (not usually in Bob's hearing) and then DS wouldn't mention Bob for a week, Bob's mum doesn't mention it again, no invite from Bob's mum so all forgotten. (Unless Bob's mum still waiting for me to firm up).
I'd grab the bull by the horns and definitely invite child over if your child wants them to come.

You be chatting to a parent, say "oh we must have Bob over" (not usually in Bob's hearing)
That's a bit different. Lots of parents do the "oh my little A loves your B, we must have you over" and of course you say "yeah great!" Even though you know the kids aren't playing at all and it's just the mum looking to connect.

It's only when specific dates are discussed that you expect it to happen. That's when you see if the dates work and check if your kid wants to play, and suggest specific alternative dates if times don't work. I've only had one he didn't want to go to, where she was so persistent with dates that I had to say let's leave it a while until the kids are playing. If you discuss with kids present though, then I've never know it not to happen.

Yes this wasn’t a casual thing, she specifically made a point of coming over, initiating it and organising it all, for the third time maybe

IMO this is the schoolyard version of “we must grab coffee sometime” or “call me..!” - it’s not a real promise and is nothing but a conversation filler.
I once heard of a European parent whip out the phone diary and the “empty promises mum” had to sheepishly admit she needed to see how they were fixed.
It’s infuriating basically. I’d play her at her own game and explain to your child that unless a time and date is fixed, it won’t happen.

She sounds flakey at best but I suspect she’s keeping you up her sleeve to be fallback babysitter. I’d ignore her. (And maybe teach your daughter about people not really following through.)

This could be about me! I have entirely good intentions wanting friends to come round but totally space out! It’s not intentional and if they messaged me I’d totally be up for it! I regularly forget appointments. Id highly recommend not telling your kids and just messaging a day or two before to confirm x

It would make me cross this mum promises promises promises in front of kids and doesn't deliver.

Maybe she expects a reminder to show you're still interested? Or next time say very directly it's a great idea and book date and time right there.

Don't overthink this, just do a check-in the day before to make sure it's still on, that way she knows you're still keen and reminds her if she's forgetful/flakey. But in a light hearted way.