Why does this mum keep doing this

[Sillyoldfoxdoesntheknow]

Nice mum at school, her Dds and mine really like each other and have known each other last year and this year. She also only lives a walk away, around the corner.
Quite a few times now, she’s been inviting us to come and play at the house, I’m very enthusiastic in my responses as my Dd adores the girls, she goes on and on about it, says she’s put it in the diary and will contact me, the girls get excited (especially my Dd) and then…nothing.
It’s the same this holiday, she said the Wednesday or Thursday (yesterday and today) as they were back last week and we go away tomorrow..and no text. Am I supposed to text her when it’s her house as that seems weird?
Dd has lots of friends and some neighbour pals to play with on the street, but it’s not really about that, she gets so excited each time and plans it
Does this mum just forget/become busy? Why keep saying it if you don’t want it to happen?

She could be just really disorganised and forgetful? Why not invite her DD to play after school one day and give her a time and date? Follow up with a text, something like 'just confirming that X is coming to play after school on _ date, see you then!'

I agree with previous posters, make the first move and invite her DD over with a set date and time.

why dont you just invite her and set a date? that will make her invite your dd later on.

Just text her for the sake of your daughter.

Or invite to your house to get the ball rolling.

Just message her and make arrangements. You could make a suggestion to meet at a park instead of inviting yourself to her house, it's that simple.

Maybe arrange for a play date but not where the mums have to go over too.

Its a lot easier to have a friend over to entertain your child whilst you get on with things, rather than have to make time to entertain the parent too.

Why don’t you text and say “would x like to come over? She’s welcome on her own if you are busy yourself”

I used to do this years ago when my kids were little. I would suggest all sorts of play dates, camping, parties etc that never happened. It must have really annoyed people although I never actually made form arrangements or sent invitations.

I knew kids are meant to exchange play dates, it is good for them. Normal parents interact with other parents. It is what normal people do. Then, when the proposed date or whatever got closer I would get massive anxiety around it… messy house that wouldn’t be tidy. Other people in my house…

The thought of other people coming round would make my stomach flip. Then I would have a total wobble because I desperately wanted to be socially normal and felt I was letting my kids down.

It turned out that I had raging PTSD due to domestic violence. I only got help with this years later.

I wouldn't stand with her at the school gates. I wouldn't go out of my way to have her over to our home.
Don't give her an opportunity to get your child's hopes up again.

I know a few people like this, I always message the day before saying hey are you still. Up for meeting tomorrow? If I still don't get a response then I just leave it. It's annoying though and I've learnt to not tell my child until the day if I know we are definitely meeting to avoid their disappointment.

Me and another mum at dd's school always have this conversation and neither of us ever actually intend for it to happen 😂 It's just one of those polite small talk things

See I find this type of behaviour infuriating but I can see that others just can’t help it. So I have to juts nod and smile and be open to the invites when they come or be proactive to do my own inviting.

If she accepted invitations but didn't reciprocate then I would understand your gripe, but seriously, just take control and invite the child to your house instead. Then see what happens.

Why do you need to go to theirs first? I’d just message and say hey, we arranged to perhaps do something tomorrow, how about a play date at mine, 11am? I’ll sort some lunch for the girls too. See you then.

next time say "oh what a shame that up to now none of these arrangements have come off. No thank you" and just drop it.

Then this is the point at which you need to intervene.

'Sophie, please don't get the girls all excited unless it's definitely going to happen. You've suggested similar before, and it's come to nothing. Let's set a DEFINITE date and time right here, right now. Otherwise, I'm going to have a very disappointed little girl. Again.'

She sounds like a people pleaser who ends up getting carried away and over-promising. I know people like this, they even double-book themselves. Heart in the right place, brain in the wrong place. Unfortunately, while they don’t mean any harm, you can’t rely on them

Next time she mentions a play date at hers ask her to text you a reminder the day before. If she doesn’t text let your dd invite another friend to yours instead.

Some people are impossible to understand.

text - are we meeting up tomorrow, do you want to come to ours?

Maybe she just isn't as confident over text and is having exactly the same issue as you - wondering if you said yes in the moment just to be polite, but not that fussed when it comes to it.

Which you are tbf - you say you aren't bothered enough to chase her up, so it's probably coming across like that to her. I think a little reciprocation goes a long way with these kinds of relationships. It's easy to assume that everyone else is confident/robust/has an ulterior motive rather than the truth which is that most of us are a bit worried about how we come across and actually aren't that great at putting ourselves out there.

Just say ‘Oh sorry I think we are really busy’ and walk away.

You're being as flaky as she is. Stop being a wet lettuce for the sake of your daughter.

I wonder if something is wrong with her home life, or if she get anxious - ive met people that do this and then later found out that one was very anxious and loved the idea of hosting but it scared the crap out of her in reality.

Im fairly confident so never reapplied and tbh took offence. The other had some DA going on and so things would happen and playdates wouldn't happen

Just text her if your DD is looking forward to it. Just ask her if she still wants to arrange the play date or invite her DD to your house.

next time she does it get out your filofax

She’s flaky and annoying. I had a mum like this who would actually arrange play dates for her son and my son - my son would be super excited and I’d message the day before to “check we are still on for tomorrow?” And I didn’t even get a reply! Just left hanging and then had to try to explain it to my 6 year old. It happened on a few occasions and she would message a few weeks later as though nothing had happened (or came up with some story about being really ill - which could have been genuine but there was something really odd about it). I wonder if there was some mental health issue going on. It seemed to correspond with inviting me for a cuppa at the same time (again instigated by her so it’s not like I was pushing to be friends with her).

Anyway, people do odd things and sometimes we can’t explain it. If your child is really keen to have a play date with this little girl maybe just invite her round to yours and give up with the false promises from the other mum.