Partner knocking a drink over trying to tell my 3 year old off at restaurant give you the ick?

[koolpop]

My three year old was calmly eating his food and standing up on his seat and waving at the other toddler behind him. He was in the booth in between me and my older daughter. He wasn't making a mess, a fuss or annoying the family behind us. They weren't bothered at all and their little girl who looked ages with him were waving back and forth. (I'm very sure she goes to his nursery but it's always a child minder who collects this girl so I have no idea who mum or dad are)

He kept going sit down. Sit down and then put his hand across the table to sit him down spilling my drink all over my son's plate and all over my coat and the table. And was like "aww fuck sake" like it was our fault? I just pretended I didn't even see it happen and kept eating. There's no reason to have done it in the first place.

I haven't felt attraction towards him since. Why would you possibly do that. He was bothering no one. It didn't seem like an out of control kids or I had co control over him and just let him run wild. He was eating standing up waving. Sitting down eating standing up waving etc.

He is just my boyfriend of a year. He isn't the kids dad etc. for context

You are both in the wrong. You shouldn't let your child think it's ok to stand on the seats in any restaurant ( totally different to having iPads etc which I think is fine in a family place if they are quiet / headphones - but not if others can hear them). Indeed part of the reason people bring things like that is to encourage the child to stay seated. So I can see why your bf may have been embarrassed and reacted. However it's not ok to discipline your child this early in relationship and not ok to do it in what sounds like quite a uncontrolled physical way.

Ultimately you probably aren't compatible. You have different ideas about the kids and also you got the ick from one incident.

My child is old enough now that I have no skin in this game but when he was 2 or perhaps even just turned 3 I would have said standing in booth is ok, standing on chair is categorically not ever ok.

But anyway irrespective you should bin the boyfriend. I would not allow anyone to swear in front of my kids, let alone all the rest of it.

Your children, or at least one of them, don't know how to behave in a restaurant. No matter it is a place where families eat, it is still a restaurant and standing on chairs waving at people is a no-no. Your partner, new and unsure, felt embarrassed at your DC's behaviour and your inattention to it so did his best to make clear that it's not acceptable behaviour. Your drink, your coat and your DC's meal would all have been ok if you had told (not asked) your child to sit down and eat properly and made him do so. Poor man, I suspect he may be looking for an excuse to leave an uncomfortable relationship.

Do you offer to pay the cleaning bill for the people who sit there after your child has left his dirty footprints on the chair? Thought not.

This. Your boyfriend was totally out of order but he wouldn’t have felt the need to do this had you acknowledged it was not OK to let your child stand on a seat and interrupt the meal of the other family.

For future reference, other people often do mind but are far too polite or scared to say anything.

Poor man? Poor man?? This man reaches over to physically grab the kid, spills drink everywhere, and swears. Yet we should feel sympathy for him because the woman didn't snap to bring the kids in line as per his wish? Lord above.

@Grammarnut I'm not the op. Try again.

@Iwasafool do you mean the wipeable plastic booths that are probably wiped down after every customer because - shock horror - children sometimes drop food too. I suppose this one will definitely have had to be cleaned since a grown man decided to knock juice everywhere in a temper.

@koolpop does your DP live with you?

In any other restaurant I do not let him stand on his chair etc

@koolpop Do you really think this is fair? Expecting a 3yo to understand different expectations for different restaurants? Seems like setting them up for failure somewhat.

I wouldn’t be impressed at all if a 3yo was doing this out to dinner but I’d just make my excuses and get up and leave quickly to avoid staying longer in an irritating situation, so I can understand your boyfriends frustration if he felt ‘stuck’ there. I wouldn’t do what he did though with your child. Worse comes to worse and he felt stuck he should have just claimed headache and gone outside for the remainder of time to escape the behaviour/lack of parenting rather than try and rectify it himself.

Actually, no, you never mentioned in your posts that you told him to sit down, you actually never had an issue with him standing on the chair and waving to said friend . So now it’s 3 seconds he was standing on the chair. ? But your first post says he was eating standing up waving . Sitting down eating standing up waving etc. Thats alot of eating standing waving and sitting in three seconds.

Your child shouldn't have been standing on the seat with dirty shoes where other people have to sit.
Your partner shouldn't have told your child off. That's your job.
You shouldn't have ignored your partner telling your child off and man handling him. That's just weird.

Standing on furniture is not cool.

Now my ds is a hulking great adult, but when he was little he got taken to all manner of places. We did try some family friendly places but they were loathsome due to the appalling behaviour of the parents the kids would be kids, in an environment that was designed for them, the parents allowed them to make an awful mess, but always left it for the poor servers to deal with. Plus my then toddler got conjunctivitis from the play area I think. We never went back.

if a toddler is in a place for other kids like him, if they’re in a booth and all standing up saying hello, there’s nothing wrong with that.

@koolpop you believe that your boyfriend overstepped, and that’s what matters here. YOU know what’s right for you/your family. Trust your instincts

I said to him later not to tell them off. I've had to say this. A few times. THIS is what’s critical here.

He intervened despite you having said not to. he physically managed your toddler, he swore in front of your kids. That’s not on. Not at all.

if you’ve got the ick, that’s the ick. I think your instincts are telling you that this isn’t right for you/your kids.

youve only been with him a year, this is the time in a relationship where you take stock and see if this will go on to be a long term relationship. You’ve given it a go and he’s not listening to you on this. What else is he not listening to you about.

You should end it and find someone who better aligns with your ideals

Or you could try actually talking like adults and explaining to him what your ideals actually look like and what you both want?

I think the “ick” is such an immature term. Work out why you feel the way you do and communicate that to him.

He’s probably completely at sea with what his “role” is with your family.

It’s natural not to find a partner sexually attractive if you’re opposed over an issue- especially if you’re trying to pretend everything’s fine and not mentioning it!

Why not try to thrash this out as a couple? How can you resolve this?

Just resist the urge to get into a row about who was right or wrong in the restaurant. You were both well intentioned and no doubt wanted it to be a fun family treat- but both made mistakes.

Mixed messages to make her look better.

Children of that age in any restaurant booth or a venue without a booth and chairs should not be allowed to stand up, or stand up eating it should be sit down and no standing. Don’t stand up to wave to another child but acceptable to talk to them outside the booth. That should be applied in all restaurants and before you go and once there you set out your expectations politely including consequences if they don’t follow through. If they misbehave take them to toilet for a quiet word and if they still misbehave after that then straight home.

And yes in places with booths I’ve seen lots of children of this age and younger/older do as OP’s child does.

So your boyfriend of only a year keeps trying to tell off your child and you've had to ask him not to (but he still does it) and at this dinner you watched him do this and said nothing? Even when he knocked over your water? Why are you so passive?

OP, you are obviously uncomfortable with how this guy acted towards your kid, so I suggest you give serious thought to finishing with him. If anything the more involved he gets with your family the more likely he is to involve himself in managing the little one's behaviour, if he has shown himself to be that way inclined already.

I have to say, this is one reason I would be extremely reluctant to date someone with a child this age. I agree that in general, it is not the place of an adult who is dating/in a relationship with a parent to discipline the kids. However, when the kids are that young, say four and below, in my experience all adults with them (including grandparents, friends of the parents etc) have to sometimes get involved in order to keep the child safe, stop it running in the road, stop it disturbing others etc, as kids this age are by their nature so exuberant and random (even the "well behaved" ones).

If I was out with a friend and their child and that child stood on its seat, I can imagine myself reaching out to restrain the child. I have done similar even with strangers' children, for example at a bonfire when I felt a toddler was at risk they were so close to the fire..... It's instinctive in many of us to keep children safe, and if a child stood on their seat it would make me slightly uncomfortable for that reason. So I don't think this fella is necessarily in the wrong.

If you decide to give him another chance, I suggest you be very clear on your boundaries - what he is and I sent allowed to do with your children - so he has the chance to walk away if he feels your expectations are unreasonable.

Good luck.

All these people who never let their small child move a muscle in restaurants, let alone get off their seat, and yet over 30 years of being an adult and 21 years as a parent and I’ve encountered very few of them. Quite the opposite in fact, and if they’re quiet it’s usually because they’re watching TV…

people get irritable and paranoid trying to show that they’re not letting their kids run riot as most non child people are assuming. We definitely go ott in a restaurant because we’re so used to people saying’kids shouldn’t be in a restaurant’ (also one of the reasons we try to get meet ups to be help in houses instead!).
edited to add: exact same in a fast food restaurant as a diner- booths don’t change that people want to sit and eat without too much craziness

Maybe you just don’t like him parenting your child? It doesn’t sound like you’re going to last it out together op to be honest if he’s giving you the ick just by being irritable (sorry and hope ye figure it out)

Actually at 3 they are considered a child...

Was it s fancy restaurant or z Park cafe type place?

I don't know why people ignore basic biology. I don't know why people ignore fairy tales built on centuries of observation and experience (wicked stepmothers). I don't why people would ignore robust research (non-biologically related male is the biggest threat to a child in a family home). Other people's kids will always be disliked, at best ignored or downright hated by your new partners, be they male or female. Nobody is interested in other people's children. Nobody, apart from their biological parents will have their best interests at heart. The exception is when a childless couple adopts children together, then it is a different story.

It’s not letting children not move a muscle or not move whilst in restaurants, it’s setting out expectations and following through to see that they do as you say. If they need help with cutlery or something cutting up for them then do this. If my 5 year old nephew from a young age and other niece and nephew from a similar age can do this then why can’t other children?

A child shouldn't be standing on chairs in a restaurant. This is the environment to teach manners, how to eat nicely, etc. Your DS wasn't 'eating calmly' if he was standing on the chair.

I was in a restaurant recently and a mum allowed her DC to crawl over the backs of the settee/booth, stand up on the window sill and bang the glass, run around their table with food and drinks. I was pissed off, too. Two of them aged about three and five.

I'm not saying your DP was right but I can understand his frustration.

Irritating isn’t it? But kids do as they like with parents letting them or gentle parenting. No wonder in my day pubs didn’t allow children and we rarely ate out and when we did it was a big treat and we were expected to behave properly.

Adults in a household need to pull together to have children behave and need each other's support to do this. A relationship is not going to work if the biological parent thinks his/her partner has no authority over the DCs and it is a recipe for domestic disharmony

Spot on @Grammarnut

The way I see it is if you don’t want your partner disciplining your child at all, fine - keep them separate, which is what I would do anyway. But if you do choose introduce them into your family and you do activities as a household, it doesn’t make sense that he should just be some kind of entertainer for the kids but not allowed to help them settle. You can’t really have it both ways. Especially if he moves in at some point.

Even as a friend, it’s expected of me to join in and interact with children when I go out somewhere with my friends who have kids, similarly it’s expected I’ll help out with behaviour management.

I’ve never had a friend say “don’t tell my child what to do do”, quite the opposite - I’ve always been thanked for my help.