Partner knocking a drink over trying to tell my 3 year old off at restaurant give you the ick?

[koolpop]

My three year old was calmly eating his food and standing up on his seat and waving at the other toddler behind him. He was in the booth in between me and my older daughter. He wasn't making a mess, a fuss or annoying the family behind us. They weren't bothered at all and their little girl who looked ages with him were waving back and forth. (I'm very sure she goes to his nursery but it's always a child minder who collects this girl so I have no idea who mum or dad are)

He kept going sit down. Sit down and then put his hand across the table to sit him down spilling my drink all over my son's plate and all over my coat and the table. And was like "aww fuck sake" like it was our fault? I just pretended I didn't even see it happen and kept eating. There's no reason to have done it in the first place.

I haven't felt attraction towards him since. Why would you possibly do that. He was bothering no one. It didn't seem like an out of control kids or I had co control over him and just let him run wild. He was eating standing up waving. Sitting down eating standing up waving etc.

He is just my boyfriend of a year. He isn't the kids dad etc. for context

So you are saying if a 3 year old happens to try and get out of their seat in a restaurant, those parents are ‘they will learn parents’ and the child is written off as unlikeable?

That is a huge presumption, and fails to take into account that every 3 year old, is still learning and not a fully formed adult! No room for mistakes in your books even at the age of 3? Wow.

3 year olds 9 times out of 10 will probably sit and enjoy their meal, talk with their parents and colour or play quietly. But you want to class a child as ‘unlikeable’ if you happen to catch them on a bad day at such a young age?

If that’s the case, I’m very glad I didn’t read your book of parenting as it doesn’t seem realistic, but also that punishing attitude will raise very nervous and insecure adults.

There will be instances with every child at that age where they do (god forbid) become children - and the majority of parents will infact be educating their child in that instance on how they should behave… you are judging all of them unnecessarily and on something you have no right judging them on. You do not know the circumstances or how they are raising that child. Don’t be self righteous enough to think you do.

To suggest children should not be brought to restaurants (the previous post I commented on, which started this) is ridiculous! Families have just as much right to be there as others. If people want a family free meal, go in the evening! Or YOU don’t go at all.

Im assuming you don’t have children, if you do, i hope you don’t judge them as harshly as you do other people.

The 3 year old child wasn't in the wrong. He doesn't know any better because his mother hasn't taught him to know any better. Mum is the one in the wrong. After attempting to teach her son to behave appropriately, she then decided not to bother and send her son a confusing message.

No one expects a child to not behave like a child. People do expect the parent to act like a parent and teach their children consistently.

I'd say the responses to the thread have been quite split, more heavily leaning towards she is AIBU for her behaviour, as well as him. She's then attempted to change the scenario to fit her narrative because she didn't like the responses and the fact that she should have stepped up. Look, there's a massive difference between a child standing up once and waving, parent correcting the behaviour to sit and eat appropriately - and a child who is up & down like a blue arse fly whilst eating and bothering the booth next to yours, whom has been told several times to behave! Both scenarios simply cannot be true! So between the inconsistent parenting and lying to suit herself, I think HE needs to do a runner. Someone who lies like that to elicit sympathy is just a fucking nightmare all around.

It's been pointed out by a great many posters now that it's inappropriate behaviour, and, far from what the opposing positions want to believe, a great many of them have stated they are not the god forsaken childless spinsters that some seem to assume. Even if they were, this very thread has shown that birthing three years ago is quite obviously not the claim to experience and enlightened knowledge about societal appropriateness that some seem to think it is.

Feet off seats. It's not the Everest many claim it to be. As someone far upthread said, there comes a point when the repetitive (which OP has already stated upthread it was repetitive, not 3 seconds like later claimed..!) behaviour just bothers everyone around you. We've all seen these families, and smile politely whilst internally wishing they'd get out of our vicinity. It's brutal, but very fucking true, and we all know it.

The poster who said it's perfectly lovely for a child to be stood on chairs and have feet all over the seats is fucking nuts and a perfect example of entitlement that nobody likes.

Also, the suggestion to either go to restaurants in an evening if you don't like this behaviour, or not go at all, is just stupidity.

All you get in the evening is older children in the exact same scenario as the 3 year old discussed. There's not really an escape from rude people/families.

The suggestion not to go out so as not have kids in the next booth having their mucky feet all over the seats and bothering you whilst you're eating is just other worldly.

Again, children aren't the problem. They are innocent in this. Some parents are the problem. Not hard to grasp.

It's weird how some people react to kids just being kids. It's great that your son was being playful but not causing any trouble. Maybe your boyfriend just had a bad moment, but it's understandable that you'd feel upset about it.

He was not unreasonable to want your son to sit down, he was very unreasonable to think it was his place to manage that. He was even more unreasonable for the way he did it/his reaction to spilling the drink.
Given it is not the first time he's taken it upon himself to discipline your children either, you are definitely not being unreasonably to get the ick over it.

I think some of the posts you disagree with have been written by parents who actually have had young kids but put in lots of work gently teaching them manners and who did not want their children to make seats dirty or to irritate other diners.

And of course little kids misbehave. All I want to see is parents attempting to do something about it. As I did. My children were not perfect but when in public I set boundaries and taught them how to behave, because I loved them. It was not always easy but we got there.

It is clear that many think it’s ok for kids to stand on seats and continually bother others. Because they are just being ‘children’ and are just so adorable. These parents genuinely cannot see the issue and end up being the older kids that others start to avoid. I feel sorry for these kids.

It’s so important to try and lay foundations for good behaviour early on. Yes, this is one small scenario, but the parents smiling beatifically at their three year old in this situation are the ones likely to ignore poor behaviour in other environments too eg running around shops etc.

(This is not to take away from the partner’s behaviour in this case. I would not condone swearing and aggression. I support being allowed to gently admonish the child though so it depends how it was done.)

The OP needs to make a decision about whether she wants to parent alone or have input from her partner, whoever that may be.
They also need to decide going forward how they are going to deal with discipline from others such as schools in the future when they seem to have an issue with the boyfriend objecting to standing on the seats and waving his food at others whilst eating.

Maybe he thought you should have taught your son son table manners !

There’s a lot of comments about toddler being manhandled but no actual claim of that in op. I think if you aren’t going to correct your child, you have to expect that someone else will. You might not think him constantly standing and waving at another table is annoying but the other table were probably just being polite. When I take my kids out to eat, they know the expectation is to sit nicely & eat, focusing on our table. It’s far, far harder to enforce when other parents let their kids run around, stand on furniture, bother others etc. because mine then think it’s unfair they can’t!

@koolpop sorry, but I agree with every word of what @Toenailz has said here and was going to write pretty much the same myself.

No outdoor shoes on chairs. ANY chairs.

Decide on boundaries/rules and be consistent in enforcing them.

Presumably, as your BF has met your children you hope the relationship will progress. So at what point is he allowed to parent? After 18 months? After longer? Never? What if you lived together? What if you had a child together, can he parent your children? Because at some point he'd have to joint parent surely, to show a united front, or should he always ignore the behaviour of your children?

Kids being kids

That's a lame excuse for behaviour that's not acceptable to most people where they are eating.

Do you also believe that kids should run amok everywhere- which is kids being kids - with no regard for other people?

I don't mean this example, but in principle.

There's a time and place for kids to be kids - to let off steam and have fun. We all know that.

But establishing good behaviour in a cafe should be started early. At 3 a child is old enough to understand 'sit down and stop waving'.

My kids are adults. Even at 3, I'd not have allowed them to stand on a chair/ bench when eating out and inflict their behaviour on the family next to them.
It clearly wasn't for just seconds - to stand up and wave .

My three year old was calmly eating his food and standing up on his seat and waving at the other toddler behind him.

Parenting like this is the same as you see in planes- toddlers standing up and 'waving' at people behind them. Or in trains, where they stand on the seat and peer over at people in the seat behind.

With parents oblivious to the fact other people are not amused and just want to be left in peace and quiet.

I agree with the long post by @Toenailz

There is also something to add which is you @koolpop thought your son knew the girl from nursery. But you didn't really know. And it comes over as an excuse allowing him to stand on the seat and interact with her.

You certainly don't know her parents (you said.) So you have no idea if they were happy with his behaviour.

It would take a brave stranger to tell your child to sit down, especially as it was clear you'd tried- and gave up on it. So your assumption they werent bothered is simply in your imagination.

And when your partner stepped in, you 'got the ick'.

Was it because your own parenting was under the spotlight and you didn't like the implied criticism?

Because if this man is a permanent feature in your life, you're going to have to have serious talks about the standards and boundaries you set for your children.

For 1. Your bf took your son on when he met you, . You've been with him a year. Therefore your son was 2 when you started dating. So he has the right to tell him off. And secondly Spilling the drink was a accident and if your son wasn't standing up eating when he was supposed to be sitting down it wouldn't of happened. It wasn't just up to your bf to tell him off, why didn't you tell him to sit down? If you had boundaries in place your son wouldn't of been standing up eating in the first place. Take some responsibility for your child instead of blaming the bf for telling him off

I’ve found this! People pick up of the oddest things and quote you on it and ask for details that aren’t relevant! I don’t post anymore because it was a headache and only a few have genuine advice that wasn’t bashing! I used to stop reading and replying to anything, you can’t delete threads but you can stop reading it x

First of all you should have had your child sitting down as nothing as annoying as a child constantly looking over back of bench at others trying to enjoy their meal so you should teach him how to behave in a restaurant.
Why did you not say something to your boyfriend for acting like he did instead of just ignoring it. I would have told him to clean it up and get new meal for your child. You need to teach your child how to sit down to eat and tell your boyfriend his behaviour also wrong and not to grab your child. Both so wrong and I would be livid.

If you are going to take your children to a restaurant then at a minimum they need to be able to sit in a seat and eat.

You need to teach your child how to sit down to eat and tell your boyfriend his behaviour also wrong and not to grab your child. Both so wrong and I would be livid.

She didn't say he grabbed her child.

and then put his hand across the table to sit him down

Grab is an emotive word to use. He could have simply touched his arm.

The boyfriend was doing his best. He was probably more aware of the black looks from other diners and the family of the other toddler. At least HE knows kids shouldn't stand on seats.

The OP had asked her son to sit down several times and when he didn't, she chose to ignore it. Then 'gets the ick' when another adult steps in.

Knocking the drink over was an accident. It's not in the same category as ignoring behaviour that's unacceptable in a cafe.

I've said it to him when his mum keeps saying we should have a baby together,

His mum says you should have a baby together? A man you've known for only a year?

I think you should stop dating until you can decide how you parent your children with a man in your life.

You sound very unhappy with this man and I wonder why you're even in the relationship.

Have you picked up on this incident as a means of getting 'permission' to dump him?

It comes over as that.

Sorry, to lazy to find the proper way, but I just want to repost the best post -

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deragod · Today 00:36

No, he won't learn in time. Parenting is not about being the most popular cool friend/ parent but about guiding and setting boundaries. Children who grow up with 'they will learn' kind of parents are not liked by other children.
Also, letting your child into the world without any toolkit regarding social norms is very unfair, you are basically leaving your child alone to figure it out by themselves and it becomes a source of frustration to become a source of resentment later in in life.

So your child only stood for about three seconds, but did it multiple times? So up, down, up, down, up, down - no wonder DP was embarrassed. Just because other badly behaved children were doing this, it doesn't mean yours should join in. If DP had time to "He kept going sit down." then it wasn't a few seconds, it was either sustained or repetitive, in which case YABVU - sort your child out or don't dine with adults who expect children to be able to behave better and listen to adults.

I loved family friendly restaurants when ours were little, but standing on the seats and going up and down would have been a no from me, especially in a "cheaper" buffet - have you seen the floors? 🙄

Your child should have been told to eat his food then he could go say Hi. That @koolpop is on yiu.

Your BF intervened because you didn't.

If you're not attracted to him get rid, but don't blame him for what happened. You need to parent your children.

It was in a booth and not as terrible as everyone thinks

@PeaceandCakes I think it's absolutely horrible his mum said to me have a baby first time she ever met me in the passing maybe 3 months in. I'm not her biggest fan I will not be having any babies with him especially not because she wants me to

It could be, I'm not sure

@Vive42 No he doesn't. He was in a 10 year relationship from 18 with a women a good bit older (I'm not a fan) and she had a daughter. So for 10 years "parented"

What worries me a lot is I asked do you not want to meet up with your "step daughter" having been in her life for 10 years and he was like nah I'm not bothered. And I was like did you like her feel like you loved her and he was like not really no. I don't know if his age was a factor in this being so young and I really think his ex just used him for his income maybe that played a part.

He tried to claim he co parented only a few months after meeting the kids. And I was so confused if he thinks watching me do all the actual work and him "attempt to tell them off here and there" is equal parenting then I'm lost.