Partner knocking a drink over trying to tell my 3 year old off at restaurant give you the ick?

[koolpop]

My three year old was calmly eating his food and standing up on his seat and waving at the other toddler behind him. He was in the booth in between me and my older daughter. He wasn't making a mess, a fuss or annoying the family behind us. They weren't bothered at all and their little girl who looked ages with him were waving back and forth. (I'm very sure she goes to his nursery but it's always a child minder who collects this girl so I have no idea who mum or dad are)

He kept going sit down. Sit down and then put his hand across the table to sit him down spilling my drink all over my son's plate and all over my coat and the table. And was like "aww fuck sake" like it was our fault? I just pretended I didn't even see it happen and kept eating. There's no reason to have done it in the first place.

I haven't felt attraction towards him since. Why would you possibly do that. He was bothering no one. It didn't seem like an out of control kids or I had co control over him and just let him run wild. He was eating standing up waving. Sitting down eating standing up waving etc.

He is just my boyfriend of a year. He isn't the kids dad etc. for context

I don't. Not at all. I think you missed the bigger picture of the message. Ops son is only 3 she has time to teach him. And while I don't agree with some posts on here I wouldn't call any one deluded. Have a lovely day. 💐

Sorry I haven’t read all the messages. I just wanted to pipe in, that I’m not a mum and I’m sorry but I often find children annoying (that’s my problem, not theirs!) but come on, a 3 year old standing on a chair and playing!
Even I’m not such a monster that I see any problem with that. And if all these other mums who claim their toddlers have never climbed on anything in a restaurant before is actually true, I’ll be damned.

OP I don’t think you overreact, MNers do.

all I’ll say though re: partner is that he may have been embarrassed as he isn’t used to knowing what kids are like. However doesn’t sound like he handled it well in thinking of your child (or you).

If he is "socially aware", he should be embarrassed by his own actions rather than those of OP or her 3 year old. He was the one knocking over drinks and swearing.

So you have never, ever knocked a drink over at a table and sworn in anger at yourself?

@wombat15

How high is that horse you're on?

@Animatic

He’s been with her a year, they are out for a family meal and though he may or may not live with her they have a relationship together and how she parents, or doesn’t parent, her children has an impact on him.

If she wants to bin him, fair enough, but plenty of people watching what was going on would be thinking exactly the same as him that the child should be sitting at the table.

I don't think i have knocked a drink over in a restaurant but if I did I would be clearing it up, not swearing in anger.

@marmaladeandpeanutbutter

I’d be interested in hearing from all these perfect parents’ children.
You know, the alcoholics, the druggies, the ones who left home and never went back, the ones who cut off contact years ago.
Yes! Chime in you lot!
lol

I love that you have told him it is not his place to discipline your children. Good for you.

I bet the other family were just being polite and were willing your son to sit down so they could get on with their meals in peace, without having to pretend to like it and entertain him.

Yeah 100% if you feel he's eager to 'discipline' them at this stage I would get rid. It's a sign of having a misogynistic attitude, he believes he should be seen as the authority and he gets to lay the law down just because he's a man - not even their dad. It's undermining to you and horrible for them and quite honestly who the fuck does this joker think that he is. Does he have kids of his own? If not this stinks even more, no experience of parenting but assumes he knows better than you. Probably not a coincidence that he's picking on your son (ie a boy) too - he wants to be top dog.

Just want to pipe in here and say, god mumsnet can be an absolutely terrible place, as is exhibited by this thread. A real life coven. It can also be the most wonderful, supportive, comforting hug of a place at times, so OP don't give up hope, we're here too! Just a bit quieter perhaps. You sound lovely, and a lovely mum (although I don't think you were asking us to comment on your parenting?!). I'd feel very uncomfortable about your partners actions too xxx p.s. my 2 year old would have stood right up there with your little boy.

Regarding the original question, no it wouldn’t have given me the ick… because I would have done the same thing if my child were behaving like this… disappointing the drink got spilt, most people would say fs or for goodness sake or something at that.

His swearing in front of the kids is inappropriate. Trying to get them to have table manners not so.

If you hadn’t let him stand on the chair, which isn’t safe, this incident wouldn’t have happened. Your partner got frustrated at the situation.

Trust your intuition!

Also, sounds like normal behaviour from a small child! If I were the mum of the little girl, I would have welcomed it and enjoyed their interaction!

You said the children had been interacting the entire time you were there but then say just a few seconds, not surprised you're partner had a problem with it. I presume he accidentally knocked the drink over and that's why he said FFS, not great but if you had sorted it in the first place you would not have this problem.

You either want him to be part of your family or you don't, you need to speak to him, also you said you would not let your older children behave like the younger child did so why is the youngest different?

I think you're inconsistent as fuck, and it's causing your kids, and other adults in your life, problems.

You say you told your child to sit down several times. Then when you realised he was interacting with another child, ignored the behaviour and let him do it. To your little one , (and your OH) - it's very much 'if I do it enough times, mummy will give up and I can do it anyway'.

Your OH saw you give up/change your mind on teaching your son to sit in his chair, likely assumed you were giving in/fed up, and intervened because your son wasn't behaving appropriately, nor listening, and to everyone else at that point, you gave up parenting for a moment.

Boundaries and rules should be consistent so that the child understands them - otherwise the child learns to try the behaviour because they haven't learned from you whether it's actually ok or not. They don't have the cognitive ability yet to suss out its ok 'because it's a booth chair and he knows the other child'. That isn't really fair to the child to be honest, it's confusing! Nor will your partner know where the boundary lies, and that's because of you and your inconsistency in parenting. I also think it's a daft reason to make an exception to the rule that seems to make sense mainly to you, that it was a booth chair and the people in the next seating had a child, that may or may not know yours.

It's also really rude to let children stand/climb on furniture. Child friendly or not, kids shouldn't be climbing up on chairs to be bothering the people in the next booth. You likely don't care, but it does make you look rude, and your OH was reacting to this as much as he was to your child. I wouldn't want a child in the next booth standing up to interact with us as we're trying to eat a meal. Hello's and interactions are fine, in an appropriate manner - ie. on the ground, when you're not in the middle of eating in a public restaurant.

If you're with a man, who has met and is going for meals out with your kids, I assume it's because you are serious about him, in which case, one day you will be close enough that he can be involved in parenting. It's fine that today wasn't that day.

That being said, if I was him I'd run a mile. People who let their kids put their feet/stand all over seating where people sit to eat, and bother people in booths nearby, appear utterly embarrassing and disrespectful IMO - I'd be put off by this kind of thing, as much as you've been put off him. I couldn't be dealing with the inconsistency either. I'd be off.

It's really hard for people to date single parents (and vice versa). They're your kids, the other person is 'taking them on' in a sense, at some point down the line, but not allowed to have a proper say. Often an impossible scenario.

I'm going YABU, because I think you brought this situation on and it could have been avoided if you parented appropriately. He went too far and should have asked you to seat the child properly, and if you wouldn't, he should have just left. That's what I would have done.

OP says her dc was not causing a problem.
Partner was annoyed dc was standing.
Not his place to say anything.

OP, why didn't you tell your partner to stop?
Get rid.

Lots of people using the word 'grab' for her partners actions when OP didn't suggest he did grab them. She said he reached over. If my child isn't paying attention I'd reach over and gently touch them to get them to look and then say it again.

I agree toddler shouldn't be standing on the chair in any case.
But I also think partners with toddlers do need to be able to tell them off in a light way because otherwise it negates their authority if they are child caring or similar. Either want someone to step up and dad or don't.

And mum wasn't phased by the swearing so presume it isn't out of the ordinary for their family, which is their choice but not ideal.

Him telling your child off at all tells me that he's likely done it before and you've let him. This is probably a bigger problem if you’ve only been with him for 12 months! Why didn't you sit him down yourself?

Not everyone has a stick up their arse. Some people aren't mortally offended by a waving toddler. Get a grip.

Do the partner and children come as a package or not?

I would put this down to different parenting styles, it sounds like his was extremely strict and you are happy for your three year old to behave like a three year old, which they are.

Sometimes they need guidance and sometimes they don't. As a parent you decide when that is.

You could talk about it and ask why he felt the need to tell your child to stop or sit down. He might say the people behind were struggling to get their toddler to stop and he was trying to help, or he might say he doesn't think it's appropriate.

The ick is a natural response to something you didn't like, you can get past it, if you think you can get on the same page parenting wise, if not I'd break up or just not see him with your children.

I hate when others correct my children, whether they're in the right or wrong, I feel like that's a natural, protective instinct towards your own family. You can still like your partner but not like him correcting your child.

@Pinkpinkpink15 we definitely do have different standards and I'd much rather have mine.

At this stage I can't understand why your not having a serious chat with your boyfriend about how your feeling. If it comes to your relationship developing into marriage, I don't agree with a new marriage partner being anything other than an extra parent to the child. If on occasion that means the new DH helping with discipline in the same way as the child's father (when he is absent) then imo that's absolutely fine. I would never alienate my new husband by saying he's not yours to discipline.

Do they?