Partner knocking a drink over trying to tell my 3 year old off at restaurant give you the ick?

[koolpop]

My three year old was calmly eating his food and standing up on his seat and waving at the other toddler behind him. He was in the booth in between me and my older daughter. He wasn't making a mess, a fuss or annoying the family behind us. They weren't bothered at all and their little girl who looked ages with him were waving back and forth. (I'm very sure she goes to his nursery but it's always a child minder who collects this girl so I have no idea who mum or dad are)

He kept going sit down. Sit down and then put his hand across the table to sit him down spilling my drink all over my son's plate and all over my coat and the table. And was like "aww fuck sake" like it was our fault? I just pretended I didn't even see it happen and kept eating. There's no reason to have done it in the first place.

I haven't felt attraction towards him since. Why would you possibly do that. He was bothering no one. It didn't seem like an out of control kids or I had co control over him and just let him run wild. He was eating standing up waving. Sitting down eating standing up waving etc.

He is just my boyfriend of a year. He isn't the kids dad etc. for context

There's a lot more with things like that I've asked him multiple times not to tell them off it's not his place
your child is only three. He doesnt need this man in his life. Get this man out of your kids lives. If you want to keep him in yours, fine, do it in your time without the children. But it doesnt sound like you do. But definitely he should not be in Your kids lives.

how long did you say you had been seeing him?
does he live with you?

Why wouldn't you ask your friend to get them to be quiet? If they did nothing despite this you should leave the restaurant and not go out with them again as I very much doubt the child would listen to you anyway..

You lost me when you said you were lowing your child to stand up on the seat in a restaurant. I use my hard earned money to buy myself and my child decent clothing I don't want to be sitting in the shit that's come of the bottom of some ferral brats shoe.

I had some friends who when our kids were young, were more ‘permissive’ with their kids than I was. Eg making ‘cocktails’ with juice, ketchup, salt and pepper at the table. They were still good friends overall so I didn’t want to lose them. I find kids are more likely to listen to Other Parents than their own!

This

@ButWhatAboutTheBees He swore lightly because he knocked a drink over, that's not alarming or a red flag. It's fairly normal.

It's not normal to me, thankfully. No idea what swearing 'lightly' means but this is a man with no manners who is given to outbursts of temper in public. Not the finest specimen.

Well I never would allowed my children to stand up and eat in a restaurant, that no way to teach them how to act in a place like that and no one should have to sit on whatever your child has stood on. But no way would I allow any man to treat my child like that. I genuinely can't understand why you didn't say anything. Sack him off.

I agree that your approach sounds reasonable to me, if I saw the other family were happy that the kids were interacting I'd let my child wave for a short time then expect them to sit down. If you're in a family friendly restaurant with a very young child then people have to expect that sometimes kids will not behave 100% perfectly. I think that's fine, as long as you're guiding him to understand what he should be doing and then ultimately enforcing the rules if he's not listening. Sounds like what you did. DP should not have intervened, particularly not physically. On the surface dumping him does theoretically sound like an overreaction but you were there and have a better feel for what happened - I'd always say trust your gut, if it doesn't feel right then there's probably a good reason for that.

So your child was misbehaving and probably annoying another family trying to eat by not only waving but getting up and down, your boyfriend was embarrassed about his (and your) behaviour, tried to ask him to sit down and he wasn’t listening so pulled him down (rightly so) and accidentally knocked over a drink?

And you don’t think you’re any part of the problem?

He swore lightly because he knocked a drink over, that's not alarming or a red flag. It's fairly normal.

My definition of swearing 'lightly' is my most definitely not 'fuck'. I swear like a trooper but never in front of my own or anyone else's children. I hate it, but it seems to be becoming more common, unfortunately.

Agreed. No matter how casual the restaurant. When saying all the other children there were doing it too? I think we have all been to casual type restaurants with children to know this is not true. I think you're embarrassed being called out on it. But put that aside deal with the bf situation he should not have reached to grab your son end of. Then start teaching your ds how to behave in restaurants.

People letting out an expletive because of an accident is a completely normal thing. Plenty of "fine specimens" do it

Swearing lightly 😂😂😂😂

I think some of the replies are batshit and probably from people who either don't have children

Oh no, don't put this on us without children. We wouldn't have judged the OP or the boyfriend because there is no way in hell we would be in a restaurant like that!

Your kid shouldn’t have been standing on the seats so he was doing what you should have been doing. Just because the family didn’t appear annoyed, I pretend all the time that kids aren’t annoying but I bet they were.

You're incompatible. You don't see anything wrong with not teaching your child how to behave in a restaurant. A 3 year old is far too big and old to be up and down all the time and standing on seats, if it was a baby that's a different matter - presumably you'd be holding on to them and they wouldn't be wearing dirty outside shoes etc. A 3 year old should know basic table manners and be able to sit for long enough to eat one course of a meal (maybe go outside for a walk around while waiting for dessert etc if they're getting very restless).

Your boyfriend clearly thinks differently to you, hence why he intervened because you didn't. He shouldn't HAVE to parent your child for you, and if you have differing views on what constitutes socialising a child then it's never going to end well.

He's a knob if he didn't apologise, and he's a knob for swearing in front of a child, and all of it put together just sounds like a mess. You need to split up as this won't end well.

I do quite strongly feel that anyone who would huff over a child waving at their child for a matter of seconds should probably unclench. It would be annoying if the kid was running around, screaming, generally disrupting other diners but I genuinely couldn't get worked up over a little wave. It's very odd.

I think it very rude to decide that your parenting was superior to your friends and that it was therefore okay for you to discipline their children.

They probably wouldn't be in the restaurant but that doesn't mean they are not on this thread as you are.

I think allowing waste and mess at the restaurant table was rude to the waiting staff but hey🤷🏼‍♀️

You don’t need this poor excuse for a human in your or your children’s lives. The red flags are flying, he’s shown you who he is so believe him.

I've raised three boys, and we took them out to eat from when they were little. We started out in family/child-friendly places, where they could make mistakes and where the expectation of their behaviour was not up to fine-dining standards, and as they grew up and learned how to behave when eating out, we went to different places.

And yet, in plenty of other countries in Europe, families take their children out to normal restaurants and they are able to behave perfectly fine from a very young age. Whereas here in the UK, some people assume that while their children are young the default option is to take them to Wacky Warehouse style chain pubs serving microwaved or badly cooked food where the customers deem it acceptable for their kids to run round getting in the way of waiting staff "because everyone else's kid does", leaving a big mess on the floor "because the staff expect that, it's a family place, they'll clean it up", changing their nappy at the table (no words for this, but I've seen it done more than once, with the dirty happy often just left for waiting staff to remove.) As soon as they are old enough to hold a device they are handed one of those and ignored for most of the meal. Totally different to most of Europe.

I think when they get a bit older those are the sorts of families who leave a total mess at their feet at the cinema or on a package holiday flight "because the staff are there to clean it up", and who are up and down and talking all through the film, or kicking the back of your plane seat, or standing up on the seat in front of you pestering you the whole time. I'm happy to engage a little bit with children for a short time, but not to parent someone else's child for a whole flight while they watch a film or play a game on their phone.

It's just about teaching children how to behave amongst others. Other nations can do it, so why can't the British?

It was rude to the waiting staff but your friends should be the ones you talk to about it not their children.

I think this thread has gone a bit crazy.

OP let her child stand on a seat for a few seconds - doesn't make her shit or lazy or any of that.

The boyfriend reached over to get the child to sit down. He hasn't done anything awful either and isn't some kind of massive red flag abuser for this.

Nobody in the story is evil, bad, a terrible human, etc etc.

I DO think OP and her boyfriend are incompatible. And I DO think that before dating again, OP, it would be worth thinking about your boundaries around your youngest and how practical they are.

If you have a ten year old or something, fine, you can insist a new partner doesn't discipline them or tell them off in any way.

But it's just not workable (in my opinion) with a 3 year old. What about if he darta for the road while you are paying for an ice-cream? Pulls the cat's tail while you aren't looking? Starts feeding toast into the DVD player while you are in the loo?

Maybe it can work to have the blanket ban on telling off - this is just my opinion after all. But I think it's hard personally and maybe worth a rethink. (And I promise you I am a really liberal mom - not someone that tells kids off very often - most of Mumsnet would be horrified by my low parenting standards! But the kid's three. It is in the very nature of three year olds to do mad and dangerous stuff, even the more angelic ones.)

Good luck.

In our group we were all close enough to each other’s children for gentle admonishment and boundary-setting to be ok. Knew them since babies etc. More causal acquaintances I would have to give more thought to perhaps.