Partner knocking a drink over trying to tell my 3 year old off at restaurant give you the ick?

[koolpop]

My three year old was calmly eating his food and standing up on his seat and waving at the other toddler behind him. He was in the booth in between me and my older daughter. He wasn't making a mess, a fuss or annoying the family behind us. They weren't bothered at all and their little girl who looked ages with him were waving back and forth. (I'm very sure she goes to his nursery but it's always a child minder who collects this girl so I have no idea who mum or dad are)

He kept going sit down. Sit down and then put his hand across the table to sit him down spilling my drink all over my son's plate and all over my coat and the table. And was like "aww fuck sake" like it was our fault? I just pretended I didn't even see it happen and kept eating. There's no reason to have done it in the first place.

I haven't felt attraction towards him since. Why would you possibly do that. He was bothering no one. It didn't seem like an out of control kids or I had co control over him and just let him run wild. He was eating standing up waving. Sitting down eating standing up waving etc.

He is just my boyfriend of a year. He isn't the kids dad etc. for context

People are very much focusing on the wrong thing here. The partner had no right to try and grab the DC. OP you were clearly in shock at the time, but I would run a mile to be honest. Good luck.

P.S. I think your toddler waving to his friend is super cute 🤷‍♀️

Your partner should not have intervened and I am sure you can make that clear to him.

Please take this message as kindness not criticism.

It may be hard for your child to understand that standing on the chair and eating is ok in some places but not others. It might be easier to try to apply the same standards wherever you are. I am sure you would prefer your child to sit nicely at home to eat. If you get him into that habit with lots of aren't you doing well sitting so grown up and eating your nuggets, do you want to do some colouring while mummy finishes her sandwich - it may make it easier for you your him and your partner if you stay together.

It doesn't sound like anything much was happening. I don't think a small child standing up a couple of times in a booth type seating area would disturb other diners. If it bothered him he should discuss with OP and if no agreement consider whether he should not eat out with her and her child in future.

He swears at you and continues to try to manage your children when you've asked him not to? How can you consider bothering with him again?

Personally, I would be trying to get my child to sit down and eat properly and not bother other families. I expect because you were doing nothing your bf felt embarrassed, which is why he intervened.

I can’t blame him for that.

But when he spilled the drink and ruined your food/coat he should have apologised for that.

In all of OPs dripfeeds/story changes she still hasn't clarified exactly WHAT the reach across the table was.

Yet he's been accused of "grabbing", "lunging", "putting hands on"...

He's not some random newbie. It's been a year. After a few months with a friend's child I would expect to be able to tell their child off for misbehaving.

He swore lightly because he knocked a drink over, that's not alarming or a red flag. It's fairly normal.

OP being so passive didn't help. She should have said "he's fine" when partner first said something. Then not just sat there and let it carry on, ignoring the drink and leaving it for someone else to clear up.

Everyone who talks nauseatingly about having "the ick" when they just mean they're pissed off IBU. Horrible phrase and usually nothing to do with feeling nauseated. Children shouldn't stand on seats, adults shouldn't knock over drinks. No-one behaved well.

I literally quoted your own post where you said he had been standing and waving for 3 seconds and then he stopped. If you're going to change your story, maybe keep track of what you've said?

I wouldn’t want any man laying a hand on my child in anger. The fact that this is an unrelated male and your child is 3 is an even bigger red flag.

You were there to eat a meal.. You weren't in a playground. He waved to the little girl the little girl waved back then you should have told him to sit down.

Something odd about this post that just doesn’t sound right or ring true

A child standing on a chair isn't how kids should be behaving in a restaurant - It's basic manners to be taught to ''Sit down''.

Dirty shoes on a seat isn't nice for the next person who has to sit there.

Its not just the bothering others though, it's standing on chairs, which some one else will then sit on and possibly get dirty clothes. I sat in a booth seat in a family restaurant once and a small child was stood on the seat eating, and smearing the food all over the back of the seat. Parents ignored and didn't attempt to clean it when they left! If a small child can't sit nicely then they should be in a high chair.

In this OP they are both BU, OP for doing nothing and her partner for getting annoyed about it.

There are a few red flags in your posts. The thing that links them all is that your partner of 1 year thinks he can over-ride your wishes when it comes to parenting your child. That's not okay.
He needs to get some therapy for the childhood abuse and neglect that he experienced. He needs to heal. He can't just keep using it as an excuse for how he behaves with you and your child.
Your feeling a lack of attraction is your body cells telling you that he's not the man for you. Please listen to your inner self and your instincts.

Your partner was being a prick.
You didn't want to tackle him because you are a bit afraid of him.

"I just pretended I didn't even see it happen and kept eating. "
This is a bad sign that you are putting up with his abusive crap.

'Putting his hand across the table to sit him down'

You mean he was going to push him down into the seat from across the table.
And he's not even his Dad?

Your son was being a toddler. Like you say it was a family friendly place.
Lots of toddlers stand up because they are too low down if they are sitting. Sounds like he was having fun and disturbing nobody.

This!

Sounds like he had to step in and do some parenting seeing as you clearly weren't going to.

Standing on chairs in restaurants isn't acceptable behaviour. I don't remotely blame your toddler as they're still learning, but as a parent it's down to you to help him learn how to behave in public/have manners/engage in social situations like eating out. How on earth is he going to do that if you don't take an interest in helping him learn?

Sounds like your boyfriend was getting frustrated that you were sat doing nothing and tried to intervene, I don't think I would want to eat out with a parent and child where the parent was choosing to ignore poor behaviour. Maybe the better option would have been that he chose not to eat out with you both again, rather than try sit your child down, but equally maybe he thought he was being helpful.

You are mismatched in values, and parenting (not that he's a parent, but if you were planning to be with him for the long haul eventually he would end up taking a stepparent type role), so I would end it now rather than try make a square peg fit a round hole.

Your post doesn’t make any sense, if he’s standing waving, eating and interacting with another child that doesn’t add up to a few seconds.

nothing worse than a kid looking over at you and your kids whilst you are eating and I wouldn’t let my kids do it

Probably the changing story

Manhandling a three year old and then using the F word in front of him isn't what I would call parenting.

There's nothing in the OP to say he "laid a hand on" the child "in anger". All we know is he had repeatedly asked the child to sit down (which it seems is something many others on this thread would have wanted) then reached out across the table towards the child.

You make it sound as if he hit the child, or at least pushed/pulled them roughly, but for all we know he was just going to touch them on he arm to get their attention. Quite possibly nobody (him included) will ever know exactly what he was going to do if he hadn't been interrupted by knocking the drink over.

Whether or not it was reasonable for him to speak to the child about their behaviour depends on previous conversations and interactions between the OP, child and partner.

His language was inappropriate, but I think many parents have let the odd expletive slip out in a moment of frustration - and knocking a drink over is a reasonable thing to feel frustrated about.

Now, please note that I'm not saying everything about this guy's behaviour was fine. I'm saying that we can't tell from the information on this thread. Many of us are imagining the worst. Others are making excuses for him. Only the OP saw what happened, and if she thinks he crossed a line then she is the only person who can make that call. Unfortunately, as things stand none of the rest of us can really add anything useful.

Ah we disagree on that. Eg If I was with a friend or relative and their child was screeching at the top of their voice for fun in a restaurant and my friend did nothing I would ask the child to try and be quiet. I would expect the same from friends towards me.

@YaMuvva FWIW, I agree whole heartedly with all you've written. 💐

It is just the bothering of others that matter. Chairs generally need a wipe after very small children have been sitting on them anyway so doesn't really matter that his feet were there. If it is not feet on the chair, it is food.

I've never seen a restaurant wipe down chairs outside of Covid or any glaring food stains 🤣