Partner knocking a drink over trying to tell my 3 year old off at restaurant give you the ick?

[koolpop]

My three year old was calmly eating his food and standing up on his seat and waving at the other toddler behind him. He was in the booth in between me and my older daughter. He wasn't making a mess, a fuss or annoying the family behind us. They weren't bothered at all and their little girl who looked ages with him were waving back and forth. (I'm very sure she goes to his nursery but it's always a child minder who collects this girl so I have no idea who mum or dad are)

He kept going sit down. Sit down and then put his hand across the table to sit him down spilling my drink all over my son's plate and all over my coat and the table. And was like "aww fuck sake" like it was our fault? I just pretended I didn't even see it happen and kept eating. There's no reason to have done it in the first place.

I haven't felt attraction towards him since. Why would you possibly do that. He was bothering no one. It didn't seem like an out of control kids or I had co control over him and just let him run wild. He was eating standing up waving. Sitting down eating standing up waving etc.

He is just my boyfriend of a year. He isn't the kids dad etc. for context

Thing is, the crux of the issue is whether or not it is ok to have a three year old repeatedly stand on a chair and distract other diners through a meal? Because that’s what made your partner do what he did. And maybe he felt frustrated at what he he saw as lax parenting. Maybe he was embarrassed. Maybe this is a pattern and maybe it isn’t.

Without all the info, people can only go with the info provided. I don’t agree with personal insults if there have been any directed at you , but on this occasion it sounds like you could have managed things a bit better.

Well hes not the father so I'm not sure he should be doing the parenting... you should have been doing it, but you weren't.

The adult man in this situation behaved appallingly.

He swore in front of a child, he spilt a drink, he lost his temper, he put his hands on someone else's child.

His behaviour was bad. His behaviour ruined the meal. His behaviour created work for the wait staff.

Why the actual fuck are so many people caring about how a TODDLER behaved when an adult was so out of line.

A three year old standing in a booth and waving isn't going to ruin anyone's day.

Why didn't he suggest to OP that the child sits down if he was that bothered? He isn't the father and presumably doesn't live with OP so really shouldn't be attempting to discipline her child in her presence.

Why is it OK that she pretended nothing was happening though? Is that really where we are with parenting in public?

Maybe he did. Maybe she did nothing. It’s ok to guide someone else’s kids. The drink dropping was an accident. If he forcefully dragged the kid down then that’s not ok. And the swearing was horrid too. I still think the child should have been told to sit down.

From my experience over the last few years, absolutely yes.

I turned around and walked straight out of a pub over Easter because there were four families at separate tables each with multiple kids all misbehaving. Parents all on phones or ignoring it. People don't give a shit anymore.

Exactly this - all the people focusing on the actions of the child, i can perfectly envisage this scenario as have seen it happen loads of places, usually in a well behaved way, not running around rampant.
But what he did was completely out of order, going to grab (and you dont grab a child unless in an emergency) a child so much he knocked a drink over.
Something about this made me feel very uneasy, this man you have known for one year, you dont really know anything about him. I really wish women were more cautious about bringing men into their kids lives. I really do.
Get rid of him, he is a giant ick and he over stepped the line

@betterangels I agree which is why I felt grossed out by it and wanted advice. I'm seeing from responses he should definitely not be doing that and is in the wrong.

I don't think there's a coming back from
Me feeling that way so I will end the relationship I just always feel I ovwr react and don't know if that is an over reaction which is why I asked the question.

@callmeblondee I agree, this isn't an over reaction me leaving him over something like this which could be seen as minor to some people. I'm aware we've both said we don't think it's minor but I know in a face to face conversation some will say that's nothing etc but I thought mums net is other mums- if they feel this way too without knowing him or me maybe I'd get advice unlike my mum saying "he was in a bad mood". I don't think a bad mood justifies that and my gut said somethings off.

Have only read your posts OP, am presuming you did not get the response anticipated and I really don’t want to add to the pile on…

But, my first instinct was to say your partner is absolutely right to have tried to instil a boundary that you sit down appropriately at the table with your family at dinner, you don’t stand up and interrupt another family’s meal.

It doesn’t matter if it is family friendly or that the other toddler was waving.

If somebody pees in the street, crosses on a red light or doesn’t tip do you do it too?

You smile, say “hello” then say “sorry to interrupt” to the family and get your child to sit down properly.

Exactly this and then turning it into a fkng moaning fest about how no one parents anymore and kids are this and that.

No one ever seen a toddler stand up in a booth being cute before? not like the kid was running around spitting or shouting. You'd think it was end days the way some people are carrying on.

No he didn’t. Read the post properly.

I would have got the ick, too, and would be binning the boyfriend off!

Any man that was in mine and my kids life who swore in anger and frustration at a dinner table would be binned off. That in my opinion is MUCH worse behaviour than a toddler being curious. Come on people.

Jesus you want to dump your partner because you knocked a drink over? That's so sad. No wonder there's so many broken families, it's pathetic.

People do things in the moment. You're telling me you've never been in a bad mood and snapped at someone?

Honestly this thread is totally mental.

Well firstly the BF is not the childs father and a recent addition so I doubt the child would care if she dumped him and secondly a woman dumping a man for any reason at all does not create a "broken family" - in many cases it fixes one.

They're not a family. It's just some bloke OP is dating and she has allowed him to repeatedly chastise her kids and now allowed the boyfriend to swear, and lunge at her toddler.
Absolutely no need for this nonsense. She can date him separately to her kids if she needs to have a boyfriend.

@YaMuvva my thinking and others is more he thought he should tell my toddler off than how he did it.

I presume he went to sit him down not hurt him.

There's a lot more with things like that I've asked him multiple times not to tell them off it's not his place

He's told me at 14 he was belted (with a belt, j don't know how to describe that right) and I worry it's made him into this controlling and just likes telling kids off? Maybe I'm reading into it to much but it sent off my gut feeling

It really isn't okay to "guide" someone else's kids if the parent is present unless they are doing something dangerous.

Yeah your boyfriend overstepped his boundaries massively and it’s a red flag for me that he is not someone you would want to co-parent with. He didn’t respect you as the parent to say to you ‘should he sit down’ and you could explain why you were ok with it. I’d def get the massive ick - also red flags about whether I want him around my kids tbh! It’s these little things that I wish people would pay attention to. My mum got with a “lovely bloke” who turned out to be abusive when we lived with him. Maybe if she noticed little things we could have avoided it.

@koolpop - it sounds to me as if you are teaching your child appropriate manners for different types of restaurant - and I don't see anything wrong with that. In the sort of restaurant you are describing in your OP, your son's behaviour sounds pretty reasonable - nothing Jeremy Kyle-esque about it, in my view. It is also clear to me that, if his behaviour had been bothering the other family, you would have redirected him, and stopped him from bothering them.

I've raised three boys, and we took them out to eat from when they were little. We started out in family/child-friendly places, where they could make mistakes and where the expectation of their behaviour was not up to fine-dining standards, and as they grew up and learned how to behave when eating out, we went to different places.

To answer the question in your OP, yes, it would give me the 'ick' if someone tried to manhandle my child, spilling drinks in the process - mainly because it implies criticism of your management of your child's behaviour, and in the circumstances, I don't think criticism was warranted.

Apart from anything else, he could have used his words - '@koolpop - can we ask little Maximillian to sit down please - all the standing and waving is annoying me' - but he chose the physical option first.

Yeah your boyfriend was wrong for grabbing him but at the same time you should have stopped him standing on furniture especially where other people then have to sit too.

Outrageous behaviour! Your boyfriends, I mean. If it had been me, he would an ex boyfriend.

I agree with this.

I don't think you sound like a bad parent at all, but your partner is showing red flag behaviour...