Partner knocking a drink over trying to tell my 3 year old off at restaurant give you the ick?

[koolpop]

My three year old was calmly eating his food and standing up on his seat and waving at the other toddler behind him. He was in the booth in between me and my older daughter. He wasn't making a mess, a fuss or annoying the family behind us. They weren't bothered at all and their little girl who looked ages with him were waving back and forth. (I'm very sure she goes to his nursery but it's always a child minder who collects this girl so I have no idea who mum or dad are)

He kept going sit down. Sit down and then put his hand across the table to sit him down spilling my drink all over my son's plate and all over my coat and the table. And was like "aww fuck sake" like it was our fault? I just pretended I didn't even see it happen and kept eating. There's no reason to have done it in the first place.

I haven't felt attraction towards him since. Why would you possibly do that. He was bothering no one. It didn't seem like an out of control kids or I had co control over him and just let him run wild. He was eating standing up waving. Sitting down eating standing up waving etc.

He is just my boyfriend of a year. He isn't the kids dad etc. for context

Sometimes DH and I have differing opinions on behaviour. Sometimes he has disciplined behaviour that I felt was unnecessary, and vice versa. We highlight this to one another and move on. There's certainly no "ick" from it.

I think your situation entirely depends on where your DP stands in this relationship? Is he or intended to be a stepfather? If so, then he should he able to voice his views on behaviour. Sometimes he won't get it right, doesn't that go for all of us? But it sounds like you don't view him as a stepfather role and you need to make it clear to him (and yourself) on what this actually is.

I can't stand being out to eat and having someone's toddler constantly bobbing up and down and staring at me - it's so rude. You can feel the parents melting at what they perceive as you having the cutest and most memorable experience imaginable whereas you just want to eat without... O_O

I'm on the "if you had parented your child then your boyfriend wouldn't have had to" side of the fence.

I lose my sympathy with OPs when they start changing details.

So your child only stood up for three seconds and stopped once you'd told him to sit down a few times (or did you only count the three seconds from after you told him to sit down?) Presumably after this, your partner also asked him repeatedly to sit down? How many times can you repeatedly ask someone to sit down with the space of three seconds? And, also within the three seconds, he managed to reach across the table to pull him down.

Your child was either stood up for a lot longer than you are admitting, or your partner must have gone into full scale pull him down mode practically the instant he stood up. If the second, I'd agree with ditching the partner. If the first, I'd look at why you are pretending?

The best course of action is to decide how you want to move on from this.

If the long term goal is to reach a place where he can take on a parenting role you both agree on then that needs honest communication and a lot of work- you will disagree along the way.

Giving him the cold shoulder at the moment and expecting him to be a mind reader doesn’t work.

You can’t expect him to magically slot into your family and all muddle along together without some issues.
Youre going to have to be really mature and force difficult conversations because it’s important your children have continuity and feel secure.

That said, if you don’t want to continue the relationship (if you think you’ll never be on the same page with regards to your dc) then address that now.

Have some clear boundaries in place should you meet another man- what you want from a relationship and how your children will be best protected if you do want to blend as a family unit.

It's more than likely he was doing it for longer or repeatedly kept doing it, but OP has decided to post a diluted version of the truth because then her partner looks bad for reacting how he did and her DS looks like a saint.

I think the relationship is probably not right for you or your children. Whatever the rights and wrongs of your child waving to the child behind your boyfriend shouldn't swear at or manhandle your child.

I think what it comes down to here is a difference in what OP and her partner consider appropriate behaviour, and in parenting style. If DS wasn’t interfering with anyone else’s’ enjoyment (they were in a booth so not on full view) then standing up periodically to wave at another child isn’t ‘bad’ behaviour in my view. I would maybe allow him to do it once or twice and then rein it in and ask him to sit and eat properly.

That the OP didn’t do this clearly irritated him so he took it on himself to put a stop to it, and in doing so he attempted to manhandle the child. That’s not acceptable at all - if he was irritated he should have asked OP to stop him instead of causing a scene, showing temper in trying to grab the child, and then swearing in front of him. I suspect he doesn’t have kids of his own otherwise he wouldn’t have behaved like this. OP, you don’t say how long you’ve known your partner, and if he’s so easily irritated by them, then he’s maybe not the best choice to have around such young and impressionable children. Put your kids first for a while, and maybe keep this man away from them until you’re clearer on where the relationship is going. It’s a good lesson for the future in being as sure as you can be that a relationship is stable before involving your children.

I'm pretty sure that an older child won't stand in their seats in a restaurant just because they did it a couple of times as a two or three year old. Screens weren't really available when my children were two or three but I used to give them something to do such as colouring in and again this didn't mean they had to colour things in at restaurants when teenagers or adults.
The main thing is that they are quiet and don't run around. Standing up a couple of times or playing with a screen has little impact on other dinners as long as they aren't noisy.

Do what you like as regards your boyfriend. Its not acceptable for children to stand on chairs in restaurants IMHO but everyone has different standards and styles of parenting.

I strongly doubt there are restaurants where children are encouraged to behave in such a fashion though I'm sure the staff in some restaurants are resigned to shit parents who can't be bothered to ensure that their children behave in a restaurant.

Poor bahaviour is often a major insurance headache for a restaurant - if a hot drink is spilt on a child, or a child falls and breaks an arm, shit parents are often very quick to step in and demand compensation for the injury.

At the end of the day, it is a staff member who has to clean up after OP and her family. I'm sure they were far from delighted by the behaviour.

@shepherdsangeldelight no details changed. Not once did I say he stood for 10 mins or 3 seconds. You just presumed the worst which seems to be the gist of mums net.

Everyone commenting has been horrid. The other child was doing it to him he waved back and they kept looking at each other. We were not bothering them. We spoke multiple times in the passing. The child did it to make a first.

Which gives my reaction of an ick justification because I thought it was weird to try make him sit down when this other child's waving at him first and have been interacting the entire time we were there.

Lots of children were behaving this way at this place. If it was my older children I'd not allow them to stand on the chair.

The nastiest from some people in these comments makes me glad I choose friends wisely. I couldn't imagine being friends with some of the commenters over a little boy standing and waving to another little girl. For a matter of seconds and did it maybe 5 times.

I told him to stop after a few times which is what a few of the replies said they'd do.

Jeez

It sounds like a Harvester or similar. The other diners in the restaurant probably don't enjoy kids standing on chairs, running round at the buffet or watching loud irritating programmes on iPads/phones. It's not 'encouraged,' it's annoying for everyone else. Just because it's not a posh expensive restaurant doesn't mean the other diners shouldn't be treated with respect.

It doesn't matter if everyone else was doing it. It is bad manners to put feet and shoes up on the furniture and poor parenting to allow your children to do it.

I presumed mums net was a nice safe place to post and get advice from other mums with more experience than myself. This has not been the experience on this forum anyway it's been bashing and just exaggerating and pressuring the worst

Calling me lazy parent, bad parent, jermeny Kyle stuff. It's wild the exaggeration is beyond belief. And all over a 3 year old standing in a booth waving at another toddler he has been laughing and giggling with whilst getting food. No other families were bothered and if they were lighten up 😂 two kiddies having a giggle shouldn't ruin your meal.

The madness on this post is crazy.

Maybe all of you are terrible mums bashing someone this harshly, projection maybe (you all see the presumption and exaggeration I did there in an uno reverse to you all?)

There has been a few nice replies which has been nice. And if you are so bothered about a child standing for a few seconds. There's a nice way to say. Like personally I wouldn't, maybe you should consider. Not bashing and calling me a terrible parent over something so incredibly minor 😂

Then saying he's an abuser over it is also wild.

Or maybe you could also consider that maybe you were in the wrong, and it isn't just hundreds of people here being mean/nasty/crazy.

@HollyKnight and if I am in the wrong for him standing up for a few seconds then that's how it is. Doesn't make someone a bad parent .. it means I made a very minor rude mistake. It's the nastiness and exaggerations.

You can simply say op that's a bit rude not you are a terrible lazy parent etc. my goodness

From a scan of other forms mums net is just a place to bash in what seems an attempt to feel better about yourself not to actually aid to op.

Probably best not to post for opinions about whether you're unreasonable if you just want other women to tell you that your boyfriend is ick-worthy.

OP, if you presumed that MN - especially AIBU - was a ‘nice, safe place to post and get advice’ then I can only assume that you’re new to posting and haven’t read some of the absolute batshittery that goes on here. Through what I guess is a short, sharp learning curve, you now know better. Hope the situation resolves for you.

@HollyKnight saying someone is a bad, lazy parent and jermeny Kyle stuff over a child standing on a seat is rude and nasty.

It's a minor mistake which on reflecting is a bit silly of me since other people will sit in the booth even though it will be wiped down. Doesn't mean for a second I'm a bad parent or nearly the standards of Jeremy Kyle. That is such a 0-100 reply. I wouldn't even say it's lazy parenting id say in the moment I thought aw how cute he's waving to his little friend not I can't be arsed telling him off.

@Rosscameasdoody of definitely I thought this was mums helping other mums and advice that can have a positive outcome. I've learned 😂

But it is bad parenting? That's not the same as calling you a bad parent. Did anyone actually call you a bad/lazy parent or is that just your interpretation?

Teach your child proper manners while eating out and others wont have to do it for you.

OP, I’m saying this as gently as possible. Stop responding. The thread on which you hoped to get advice has turned into a bunfight and it doesn’t matter what the facts are in your original post. Once some posters get the bit between their teeth, they make things up and pick your words apart trying to twist them to suit their own narratives. Give it up. The damage is done.

I think some of the replies are batshit and probably from people who either don't have children or who imagine that their children are going to be perfect due to their superior parenting. I wouldn't be bothered about a child standing up a couple of times either at the age of two or three either as long as they weren't making a lot of noise and wouldn't appreciate someone who wasn't their parent telling them off. My now adult children seem to be able to sit through meals without standing up so obviously didn't have a negative impact.

@Amybelle88 he said FFS when he knocked the drink over.
Throwing around terms like abuser and red flag over this complete non-event IS alarmist.