Brother is blackmailing me. wwyd?

[Polishedshoesalways]

My brother and I grew up in the 70s, this is relevant because he says our childhood is ‘normal’ and ‘fine’ and just like everyone else’s childhood at that time.

To be clear my father hit my mother, and was very violent from my earliest memory. He would lock me in the loft, or stand over me pummelling my body with his fists as a very young child. He would fly into a temper at the slightest provocation, and we all lived in total fear of him. The police and neighbours came to our house on more than a few occasions.

My father said repeatedly that he never wanted kids, and we didn’t have a relationship at all as we grew up. He hated spending any time with us. We spent most of our childhood trying to stay safe and avoid his violent outbursts.

I developed anorexia as a teenager due to his unkind comments about my body, and later tried to commit suicide because I found it hard to imagine continuing and I could see no way out. I recovered in time and grew into an healthy (ish) happy (ish) adult, and made a life for myself.

Fast forward to now I have had extensive and very helpful therapy for a few years, and after my father started to make my own children cry by humiliating them and calling them horrible names, I finally found the courage to cut contact with him.

My psychotherapist at the time said he is unwilling and unable to change and I must prioritise my dc. I understood I could not allow my dc to suffer in the same way I did. It hurt so much, but I took the decision to keep them safe from him.

My brother stopped talking to me around this time. He said I am being ‘cruel’ to my father by refusing to see him. That he is getting older and cutting him off is unforgivable of me. I am evil apparently.

I have now lost almost all of my family. My mother barely keeps in contact bar a daily text and I occasionally visit her alone or with dc. My brother continues to abuse me by email saying he ‘hates’ me and why can’t I just ‘put up with it’. My aunt now has family gatherings but doesn’t invite us.

I am being made to feel like the unreasonable person here, despite my therapists and my dh and all of my friends saying what happened to me is child abuse.

It’s been such a high price to pay to keep my children safe, and I feel broken by my brother’s relentless efforts to emotionally blackmail me into contact with my father (my abuser) or he will continue to ignore me as he has done for the last few years. My brother has given me an ultimatum- accept my father back into mine and my children’s life or be exiled by the whole family basically. I do not want any contact with father, my brother disregards this.

My mother has enabled all of this, but I see her as a victim of DV although he doesn’t hit her anymore - he is cruel in other ways, she has said she will never leave him. So she has made her choice, and it’s to stay with him.

What would you do?

There is a stately homes thread. But yes you need to block them all and understand you are a family a functional one just you and the children. You can add new members as non blood family ties eg friend etc

Your brother is threatening to cut you off to force you to obey. Cut him off first - take your control back.

What will he do if next time he says, "If you don't let dad see you and your children we'll cut you off." You reply with, "That's fine with me, have the life you deserve." BLOCK

He wouldn't have anything left to abuse you with.

My sister is the same. Apparently my mum smashing my dad's glasses when he was wearing them, smashing me and my dad's stuff, emotional abuse of us both, affairs and constant hitting is fine as she didn't suffer it as the golden girl.

Frankly, I'd thank God that the whole sad bunch were out of my life and out of my DCs.

Your family have enabled and are continuing to enable and protect this abuser and considering he's continued it onto your children he's never going to change.If they want to protect him that's their decision, these people are disgusting pretending he's a good guy and aren't worth a damn in keeping in touch with.

It's a hard decision but once you are clear from them you will feel a lot better, your husband friends will support you. You need this new start to be free otherwise they will always try to control you.

Please make the step you need to.

You are doing an immense favour, borne of love, to your children by protecting them from toxic and damaging relationships. Just imagine what they would hear ,and possibly see, if you kept in contact. The snide comments about you, the slights, the snippy remarks, the lies, the negative body language.

I know it is painful, and that you are taking on that pain both for others and for yourself, but I have nothing but admiration for your strength and determination to break the cycle and to make your childrens lives and childhood so much better than your own.💐

You are grieving for a family that exists in your hopes and dreams, but not in reality. If you were forced into a situation where you felt you had to have no contact with an ideal family who functioned normally and would be a support to you, then it would be right to grieve this. But that is not what we are talking about here - we are talking about a family that you are better off without.

Your brother is trying to push your buttons, place blame on you and deny what you all went through.

The last straw for me would be even the slightest hint that your father or brother were behaving in ways detrimental to your children, and indeed this has been the trigger for you to take proper action to protect them.

Hold your head up high, banish your doubts and be what you are - a good parent.

That is horrifying. You actually carry physical scars and they are all still minimising.
I think I would send a photo of the scar to DB and tell him direct that you are not going near the thug who did that to you ever again. If he harasses you again after that, block him . I'd be considering reporting him for harassment tbh.
Please keep yourself safe.

Apple has fallen very close to the tree with your brother.

Your mother is a victim and remains so - he’s filled her head with all sorts of crap.

I would send his messages to your mother - then Block him.

rip the plaster off your dad doesn’t need new victims in your children.

I agree with this. Write it all out in a very factual and unemotional way. Explain how it affected you. Email it to everyone then block them all.

You are without doubt doing the right thing. You were horribly abused by your father and it sounds like the adults around you enabled that.

I would feel some compassion to your brother because he no doubt has his own unresolved trauma around the abuse. But that does not mean you have to put up with his behaviour. I would send a polite and firm email explaining that you are doing what is needed to protect you and your children from your abuser, and you wish to have no further contact with your brother whilst he continues to try to pressure you into contact with your father. However, should he ever get to a place where he is ready to acknowledge the abuse suffered your door is always open, giving your DH's contact details for that purpose only.

Then block the lot of them and move on safe in the knowledge that you are doing the right thing.

Are there any children currently at risk?

Literally none of what you have described about your childhood was 'normal' or 'fine' in the 1970s, or at any other time. What you describe would have been considered abusive and dysfunctional in bloody Victorian times, let alone the 1970s.

Your brother doesn't want to face up to the fact that your father is a violent abuser, and I suspect your brother has also absorbed your father's misogyny over the years. Your mother is of course also a victim here and she must have gone through hell when you were kids, but that doesn't absolve her of doing nothing to protect you as a child and it certainly doesn't justify her lack of support for you now. She has made it clear that she has chosen to put your father before her children (and grandchildren).

You are absolutely, categorically, better off without your family. I know that's incredibly hard, but your brother is literally trying to force you to engage with someone who violently abused you as a child and has verbally abused your own children. Your brother is as much a bully as your father.

Make the break from your family and consider yourself free of them. Their baggage is a millstone round your neck. The rest of the family, I suspect, subconsciously resent the fact that you have the strength and courage to call out the abuse, stand up to your father and to protect your children. Your strength makes them feel weak, and they're now punishing you for it. Cut them off, the lot of them. They bring nothing good to your life.

Well, it sounds like his chosen path for survival is deep denial and you threaten to unravel that by speaking plainly about the abuse you both suffered at the hands of your violent father and passive mother.

I think you should step away from your whole family - it's causing you great harm to walk the tightrope of remembering enough to keep you safe and bottling up enough to keep the peace.

I am so sorry OP and you have been very brave to go as far as you have but you need to go even further.
Your brother is actually making things a bit easier for you by being an arsehole, imagine how difficult it would be to go NC with him if he was nice?
Growing up in that house means you are both going to be damaged but you recognise that and have started to heal the damage. Until he does he will always be damaged and you can't fix him.
By escaping you invalidate his choice not to so he cant deal with it. He either needs you to do what he has and ignore what happened/put up with it or he cant have anything to do with you.
By blocking you he is actually doing you a favour because it means you don't have to

I'd take him up on his offer and thank him for helping remove all of them from my life.

People who treat you like shit don't deserve a place in your life and they sure as shit don't need your kids offering up to them as the next targets!

OP my heart honestly goes out to you.

I think as many PPs have said you need to find the courage and go no contact with everyone mentioned. They want to include you and your DC in their ongoing cycle of abuse. Stay strong. Go NC and do your best to be happy.

Oh and make sure you and your DH have wills in place making it explicitly clear that in the event your children are orphaned in no circumstances are they to live with or have contact with your family. Take legal advice on this to make sure it is rock solid.

This is incredibly sad, OP. But I think you need to walk away from all of them, letting perhaps your mother know that the door is open for her (and that other's shouldn't and can't control her actions). I think your life will be happier this way.

It’s really difficult to acknowledge and accept abuse especially from when you are a child. You have been strong enough to understand what he did was wrong and to not let him in your children’s lives. It might not feel like it but you are better off without the family that think that what he did was no big deal.

I agree you should block your brother and not have any contact with him. If the rest of the family feel the same as him then it is no loss, even though it might not feel like that. I bet that you are feeling punished for this but the family that think what he did is ok are not worthy of your time.

Enjoy your life, with your own family/kids, safe in the knowledge that you are protecting them and they will never feel how you felt then and how you feel now.

The final straw was in fact a comment my father made (more than once) about my dds weight. She was pre teen and the fear of god that I felt when he said that, that she would end up with an eating disorder or anorexia was more than enough for me to decide my dc won’t be seeing him again.

My mother was truly horrified at the time: and agreed we can’t allow this to happen to my dds as well - but then went completely quiet and did absolute nothing. Like always.

I will never forgive my father for saying that to my dd. I will never forgive him for what he has done to me as a child.

I stopped caring about my brother when I recognised that he has become exactly the same monster as my father. I worry for his children and wife.

A chip off the old block. So to speak.

I don’t know how to proceed with my mother after this. She has never done anything to protect us from him.

Block your brother on all channels and concentrate on your children and your dh.

Your old family is abusive and toxic. You must keep your dcs away from them, and protect yourself.

This. I'm sure it is extremely painful to cut them out but not doing so won't make it better. The pain you feel is not from cutting them out, it's from not having the family you deserve. But you have a chance at that with your new nuclear family and I think you should be extremely proud of yourself and what you have achieved, especially after such a shit start in life.
You may not feel it, but you sound like an extremely strong person, to break abuse that has been in the family for generations is a truly amazing accomplishment. You are a wonderful mother for putting your children above yourself and it sounds like you have a loving husband also. They are who matter. Cut the rest of them out and build a new support network with close friends - chosen family is sometimes better than the one you are born with. Good luck 💐

I grew up in the 70s too and I am so sorry this happened to you.
You did nothing wrong and what you experienced was NOT a normal 70s childhood.

I think it will feel strange to you to cut contact with your family, but they are hurting you still by trying to make you pretend bad things didn't happen that are still damaging you.

You probably need some time to grieve the loss of having the family you hoped you had but I do think cutting contact will be best for you and your own children in the long run.

You can't make them change and be the people you wish they were, but you can make your live different, which it sounds like you have done.

Carry on doing what you're doing and cut contact. I'm so proud you have done so well already. I'm so sorry what you went through, and I'm glad you're protecting your children. Everyone seems to be enabling your father and I'm sorry no one tried to stop his abuse when you were little. From experience I've cut out quite a lot of my family from my life since having my child. And I'm seeing my daughter thrive and not put down like I was. She's not insecure, hesitant or sacred. Be strong! X

I'm so sorry that you, your mum and your DB had to go through this abuse. You are doing the right thing. As a pp said, maybe leave the door open for your mum to come back to you, but she has made her choice. I wouldn't have her texting me until she has made a different choice. Build up your friendships and make those friends your family instead.