Brother is blackmailing me. wwyd?

[Polishedshoesalways]

My brother and I grew up in the 70s, this is relevant because he says our childhood is ‘normal’ and ‘fine’ and just like everyone else’s childhood at that time.

To be clear my father hit my mother, and was very violent from my earliest memory. He would lock me in the loft, or stand over me pummelling my body with his fists as a very young child. He would fly into a temper at the slightest provocation, and we all lived in total fear of him. The police and neighbours came to our house on more than a few occasions.

My father said repeatedly that he never wanted kids, and we didn’t have a relationship at all as we grew up. He hated spending any time with us. We spent most of our childhood trying to stay safe and avoid his violent outbursts.

I developed anorexia as a teenager due to his unkind comments about my body, and later tried to commit suicide because I found it hard to imagine continuing and I could see no way out. I recovered in time and grew into an healthy (ish) happy (ish) adult, and made a life for myself.

Fast forward to now I have had extensive and very helpful therapy for a few years, and after my father started to make my own children cry by humiliating them and calling them horrible names, I finally found the courage to cut contact with him.

My psychotherapist at the time said he is unwilling and unable to change and I must prioritise my dc. I understood I could not allow my dc to suffer in the same way I did. It hurt so much, but I took the decision to keep them safe from him.

My brother stopped talking to me around this time. He said I am being ‘cruel’ to my father by refusing to see him. That he is getting older and cutting him off is unforgivable of me. I am evil apparently.

I have now lost almost all of my family. My mother barely keeps in contact bar a daily text and I occasionally visit her alone or with dc. My brother continues to abuse me by email saying he ‘hates’ me and why can’t I just ‘put up with it’. My aunt now has family gatherings but doesn’t invite us.

I am being made to feel like the unreasonable person here, despite my therapists and my dh and all of my friends saying what happened to me is child abuse.

It’s been such a high price to pay to keep my children safe, and I feel broken by my brother’s relentless efforts to emotionally blackmail me into contact with my father (my abuser) or he will continue to ignore me as he has done for the last few years. My brother has given me an ultimatum- accept my father back into mine and my children’s life or be exiled by the whole family basically. I do not want any contact with father, my brother disregards this.

My mother has enabled all of this, but I see her as a victim of DV although he doesn’t hit her anymore - he is cruel in other ways, she has said she will never leave him. So she has made her choice, and it’s to stay with him.

What would you do?

It was all true.
We remember the oddest things during an attack.
Their teeth, the dust on the floor as we go into a ball, the blows raining down.

It happened.

The rest of the family try to minimise .

Your Dad at the end of his life May realise what he did was brutal and harsh.

It’s common that family close ranks around the abuser, the victim is “ Exaggerating “

I had a sibling in later years who told me he feared Dad would kill me.

He’d get into such crazy rages.

I was a mother in the 70s and what you describe was not normal, please don't let him convince you that was the case. Things were different, kids were more likely to get a slap on the back of the legs than would be considered acceptable now, kids might get sent to their rooms but getting locked in the loft or pummeled would have been considered abuse by anyone I knew and I worked in police admin and I can assure you the police didn't consider it normal.

I think it is better for everyone if you have nothing to do with people who think that was all OK. Can you block your brother, he isn't adding anything positive to your life.

You have done well to tackle your issues and protect your children, feel proud.

im so sorry that you have had to endure all of this OP, I really am. I grew up with violence from both my father and stepfather and a mother who didn’t really care that much. When I had my children I really tried to make it work with mother and father (still divorced but step-dad was gone) as I was desperate for grandparents for my children. I was ostracised from my family when I called them out on their behaviour towards my children. I’ve had no contact for 15 years and I’m a far better and loving parent for it. I did have a cousin who tried to make me feel guilty when my dad died 5 years ago but I just carried on. My relationship with my now young adult children is amazing and a world away from what I had. Sending you love & strength although it’s not easy, cutting ties is the best option for you without any doubt otherwise generational trauma will continue. X

How I've learnt to deal with a similar situation is to understand that your brother is still broken by your dad, that he hasn't dealt with the trauma and that is why he is doing what he is doing.

Still makes him wrong but it doesn't hurt as much as I see it as continued abuse from your dad rather than your brother, I hope that makes sense.

Nothing is worth what your dad has and will continue to do to you.

I'm so sorry. But your brother is as hateful as any of them and the best thing for you, let alone your DCs, is to block him and completely cut contact. Any of your family who contacts you and tries to push you to allow your father and brother in your life, block.

It will be hard, but you will know they are blocked and that is good. And then you can move forward. You don't have to have toxic people in your life not even if you are related.

I. So sorry you have had such a horrible childhood...your children are your priority and you done the right thing ...what a horrible nasty bastard your father is ...cut contact with your brother too look after yourself and yours honestly you deserve better and you know what's right ...we cannot pick our family only our friends and quite honestly who needs enemies with a fam like that bin then off and be happy x

THIS ⬆

A thousand times THIS ⬆

The reason you are finding it difficult to cut them off is because your boundaries have been so blurry (and sometimes non-existent) for so many years, because your brutal father wouldn't let you have any, that you are finding them hard to put in place now.

You know that you MUST protect your children - and you are right, but you are so used to not being able to protect yourself (learned helplessness - you were a female child and physically unable to either respond defensively or remove yourself from the situation) that you can't cope with it.

@DyddDewiSant is right - block your entire toxic family. You won't miss them. They bring only pain to your life. You have a loving DH, children nd friends - concentrate on them.

Your brother wants you to ignore the past - he's right, but not in the way he wants you to. Do it by drawing a line under them.

Ask yourself why he is so keen for you to socialise with your father anyway. What's in it for him? There will be some motive that he isn't disclosing, or doesn't admit even to himself. It's his choice if he wants to maintain contact, but he has no right to try to force you.

The odds are that you will end up as the family scapegoat, your previous childhood trauma (and I don't use that word lightly) will be triggered, and you will end up in despair.

Take control. Don't let them influence you. Cut them out of your life.

Was your brother also abused? I suppose even living with this man and see what he did to you and your mother was abuse even if he never touched him. People deal with things in different ways, you've faced up to it and he's in denial. It isn't unusual, I've seen the same thing in families in police investigations.

Abusive family dynamics run deep and don't come out of nowhere. From what I know of first and second hand experiences of these issues, is that there tends to be a lot of cope and a lot of status quo keeping in the vicinity of the abuser.

There can be lots of reasons for this. Just to name a couple, some people genuinely don't know the full extent and since abusers are often narcissistic, put a lot of investment into appearing to be either benign or actively a victim, so people are hoodwinked by that.

Another dynamic I've seen is others (and I believe this might be something you possibly see more with siblings) know what's going on, but not wanting to challenge the abuser and become the target themselves. This can go so far that you can see behaviours like your brother's, where they're willing to defend the abuser. It's not black and white, and they may have genuinely been poisoned into thinking that the abuser's behaviour is acceptable or justified for some reason. (Spoiler: it never is).

In my opinion, all you can do in these situations is accept that this is the unfortunate reality of your family, and cut them out. It's painful and sad, but being kept in abusive or manipulative circumstances is more so, and subjecting your own innocent DC to that is worst of all.

I'm really glad you are getting therapy and can recognise this, and hope your future brings you peace and healing. Always remember you are doing the right thing by breaking the chain and not allowing your DC to be subject to these behaviours.

Easy for me to say but it sounds like no price at all to pay!

They are all as bad as each other.

Eta not a normal childhood for then at all.

I'm so sorry that they are so toxic OP. I would block the lot, they are all crazy and you aren't. I wouldn't even bother trying to reason with them, as some have suggested, point out your scar etc. They are firmly wedged into denial.

Things will almost certainly change once you have cut them out, they may try to scapegoat someone else, or someone who has been having doubts about their stories may contact you in support. But don't hold your breath, and don't care about what they do next, just go forward and live your life well and in peace and try to forget about them. I don't have kids myself but you sound like an excellent mum, you've backed your kids and stuck up for them in the face of a pretty nasty situation.

OP, for your brother to recognise his Father's behaviour is unacceptable- he would have to recognise his own behaviour is the same. It's not going to happen. I will never have contact of 50% of my own family again and it's such a relief. Sad but a relief.

You know your brother is likely constantly nagging at you because your father is telling him to, don't you?

Your father doesn't like that you have escaped his control.

Your father is a violent abuser. He is a toxic, evil man.

Your mum is a victim of DV, and is too weak to be rid of him.

Your DB is a chip off the old block, a bully. If it wasn't now illegal to go round beating people up, he would probably do the same as your dad. Instead, he's restricted to verbal cruelty. He has learnt this from your dad.

Your extended Aunts etc. are enablers.

What you should do is have a huge sigh of relief that they are cutting you off, saving yourself the trouble. The best revenge is to live well. I would be telling your DB to not contact you, and block him.

Why hasn't your DH told your brother to back off and stop bothering his wife?

P.s. I grew up in the 70's and I was never once hit, or verbally abused by my dad or mum.

You will feel better when you give yourself permission to be free of their guilt and nonsense.

Live your life without them.

This must be so hard for you. My father didn't hit my mother as far as I know but he was physical towards us growing up. He ill treated my mother through humiliation, what we would call controlling and coercive behaviour these days.
I don't have an answer for you other than you must keep your children safe from him. If that means the rest of your family cut you off then that is the price you must pay. Its not your fault, please remember that. I can understand that your mum will stand by her husband my mum would never have a bad word to say about my dad even though he was a twat.
Give your children a better upbringing than you had. Be a better parent than your dad was to you. Be strong and don't give in

Report him the the police the horrible man.

My father was equally toxic. My mum did eventually stand up to him but it took a long time - I am a lot older than you, and it was even harder for women then. My younger sister was the princess, my brother the apologist - to this day he excuses my father with "he did the best he could / it was the times". I have had almost no contact with my family for decades. You know why? Because it wasn't the times and "the best he could" wasn't good enough. I eventually stood up to him and won, but it did cost most of my family ties. Was it worth it? Yes it bloody well was.

Believe me, it will get easier. Make your life for you, not for them, and definitely not for people who think so little of you. You are incredibly strong, you have proved that. Don't let them beat you down again.

So sorry you are going through this @Polishedshoesalways.

As pps have said, your brother is just a nasty bully in the mould of your nasty dad - for those excusing his behaviour as trauma, no, it’s not. OP suffered the same abuse & is not being abusive. Her brother is choosing to be this way.

You already are without a family in the proper sense - you are not loved, protected or nurtured by these people & have never been - so what’s left is feeling tied by guilt, grief and fear. And maybe hope. It sounds like you have made a wonderful life for yourself and done the incredibly hard work to move on from your toxic upbringing. You don’t need the guilt and fear and trauma they continue to pollute your life with.

Leave them all to each other. Your mother chose this time and again. You can’t save her from that sadly and all you’ll do is damage yourself and be told you deserve it.

The grief in the immediate term will be hard but you’ll be free from the bullying and cruelty and nastiness for the rest of your life. If the wider relatives pick your brother, you don’t need people who support sadistic bullies in your life anyway.

Sounds to me like you are well rid of them all. Your father and brother are arseholes, your mother has failed to stand up for you as a child (or she sees things differently, either way she isn't much use to you). And the rest of your family aren't much use either.

I would actually get some more therapy to help you accept they are of no value to you, as sad as that is.

I agree.

I think it's sad that you can't have a relationship with your other family members but unfortunately it's not your choice.

You haven't asked people to pick sides. They have chosen themselves.

What would I do? I'd ignore my brother and keep my children away from him, as well as my father. I'd try to keep contact with my mother as much as possible.

You're children don't need horrible people in their lives, and if that means sacrificing being at big family gatherings you would like to attend, so be it.

You could be writing part of my life story. I have a brother who sounds just like yours. I have not been in contact with him for six years and couldn’t be happier. He added nothing positive to my life and I don’t miss him at all.

My father was a dreadful abusive man. I didn’t go to his funeral, which I believe my brother was unhappy about. It was all about show for him, and I wouldn’t do it. My mother now lives in a nursing home, and I never see her. I doubt I will go to her funeral either. I’ve already said my goodbye to her, and it would just an occasion for my brother to control the narrative.

I don’t discuss this with people in real life, as most wouldn’t understand. I do what I need to look after myself though. I feel happy that I no longer have to listen to my brother’s toxic shit.

He has already claimed his ‘inheritance’ and him and his family are living like cuckoo’s in my mum’s house. Again, I don’t care. Small price to pay for my calm and peaceful life.

Well done on breaking contract with your father, he does not deserve to have you in his life.

I grew up in the 80's, but my older siblings grew up in the 60's/70's. I promise you that your childhood was nothing close to "normal". I'm so sorry that you had that upbringing. None of it was your fault. Well done for breaking the cycle and for getting help. That shows such bravery and strength. I wish you all the best xx

11 and 6 years old.