Brother is blackmailing me. wwyd?

[Polishedshoesalways]

My brother and I grew up in the 70s, this is relevant because he says our childhood is ‘normal’ and ‘fine’ and just like everyone else’s childhood at that time.

To be clear my father hit my mother, and was very violent from my earliest memory. He would lock me in the loft, or stand over me pummelling my body with his fists as a very young child. He would fly into a temper at the slightest provocation, and we all lived in total fear of him. The police and neighbours came to our house on more than a few occasions.

My father said repeatedly that he never wanted kids, and we didn’t have a relationship at all as we grew up. He hated spending any time with us. We spent most of our childhood trying to stay safe and avoid his violent outbursts.

I developed anorexia as a teenager due to his unkind comments about my body, and later tried to commit suicide because I found it hard to imagine continuing and I could see no way out. I recovered in time and grew into an healthy (ish) happy (ish) adult, and made a life for myself.

Fast forward to now I have had extensive and very helpful therapy for a few years, and after my father started to make my own children cry by humiliating them and calling them horrible names, I finally found the courage to cut contact with him.

My psychotherapist at the time said he is unwilling and unable to change and I must prioritise my dc. I understood I could not allow my dc to suffer in the same way I did. It hurt so much, but I took the decision to keep them safe from him.

My brother stopped talking to me around this time. He said I am being ‘cruel’ to my father by refusing to see him. That he is getting older and cutting him off is unforgivable of me. I am evil apparently.

I have now lost almost all of my family. My mother barely keeps in contact bar a daily text and I occasionally visit her alone or with dc. My brother continues to abuse me by email saying he ‘hates’ me and why can’t I just ‘put up with it’. My aunt now has family gatherings but doesn’t invite us.

I am being made to feel like the unreasonable person here, despite my therapists and my dh and all of my friends saying what happened to me is child abuse.

It’s been such a high price to pay to keep my children safe, and I feel broken by my brother’s relentless efforts to emotionally blackmail me into contact with my father (my abuser) or he will continue to ignore me as he has done for the last few years. My brother has given me an ultimatum- accept my father back into mine and my children’s life or be exiled by the whole family basically. I do not want any contact with father, my brother disregards this.

My mother has enabled all of this, but I see her as a victim of DV although he doesn’t hit her anymore - he is cruel in other ways, she has said she will never leave him. So she has made her choice, and it’s to stay with him.

What would you do?

Some of the replies have really made me cry. Finally I have been able to cry in the middle of the night where no one can hear me.

I realise that my concept of family is totally different to how so many of you describe yours. I felt confused when you wrote what family means for you. My version is so different.

For me, family is about survival, endurance - TAKING THE HIT. Even in pain, remaining by my mother’s side at all costs, so that she would survive. My family was all about having a strong tolerance to survive the abuse and STILL being there for the abusers. Staying silent when the police or school start to ask questions, and to continue offering love and loyalty regardless of my father’s behaviour, that was EXPECTED. Enforced even.

I now see I was conditioned, trained, to endure any amount of poor behaviour from these people. To have such low expectations of having my own needs met by my family, even the most basic ones such as safety.

I learnt quickly that support, protection and love were for other children, it was never going to be available to me. That’s why I struggle to relate to it now when I read your posts. Family has never meant protection or support to me, ever.

I compare my young family. My children’s experience of unconditional love, protection and care and it feels a world away from my own experience as a child.
There is still a niggling feeling that they deserve it, and I do not. And will never have it now.

I wanted to say that I really don’t care about an inheritance or the blood money as I call it. I already have everything I need to have a comfortable life. I dont need anything from them. I only ever wanted to feel loved. The rest is irrelevant.

I feel this is shaping my brother’s narrative somewhat though. Only to observe how materialistic my brother has always been, and this will be a priority for him. To secure as much as he possibly can. It’s in his interests to keep up the anger, crank up the bad feeling. He hopes it will directly benefit him I suspect. If he can cause an even greater rift, then maybe he gets to have it all. He is welcome to it.

I suspect his wife has no idea about any of this, but she has a right to know because she has children to care for and look after. She needs to keep them safe from these people, but I have no idea how to tell her. Or if I should?

I worry very much for my niece.

I would be careful how much you tell friends. A lot of people won't be able to relate and they may think you are exaggerating as it is so far removed from their own experiences. It is a lot to put on to someone who may have no experience of this family dynamic. Keep getting therapy.

Don't get sucked in to telling his wife, that's just perpetuating the drama.

She already knows what her life is like.

Step away.

I wondered about that too. I have been in two minds about it.

Very old friends of mine obviously know and reacted in different ways. Some called my father names and were angry, others did not know what to say. Some confided in me about their own families. The upside to telling close friends is the possible support. Not instead of therapy but to explain that I am sad and upset, and to share it with them.

I have up to now just stuck with things are difficult with my father and I just see my mother these days, and tend not to go into detail.

Your entire body is screaming at you to stay away. Listen to it.

Also, it’s interesting what you said about focusing on the policeman’s shoes. As children we do that when something is traumatic for us. For a similar reason, I’ll never forget the pattern on my red & blue woollen M&S dress when I was 8.

You sound like a great mum by the way. I hope he finds it in himself to apologise. A letter or e-mail to them is a good idea.

Take care of yourself.

@Polishedshoesalways May I ask if you are from a minority group? I have seen this extreme loyalty to family and to the Patriarch of a bigger group in Traveller and Canal Boat people. Threats and actual violence were always close.
You have realised that whatever is happening in your group is not right. It seems that your SIL has not recognised it yet. She will eventually but needs to get there at her own speed.

I'm sorry you want to be in contact with these horrible abusers

Keep up with the therapy and keep away from your family for your kids sake if not yours

Op, quite honestly, I think you're very lucky to have escaped your family alive.

Your father could have injured you seriously or fatally when beating you as a young child.

Anorexia - which I can fully understand someone developing from a childhood like that - has poor survival rates.

You survived a suicide attempt (again no wonder your mh was at that point given your childhood/upbringing) but you might not have.

Your father's comment on the latter ...... There is clearly something fundamentally wrong with his brain. And that's putting it nicely.

You could have ended up dead, not had your life, not had your children ......that is as damning an indictment of parents and a "family" that there can be.

(Your mother, well she's not a mother really, not in the way that counts. Like many people she may be a victim but is also a perpetrator).

When you're lucky to be alive, due to your upbringing; take that luck and run.

You don't want your kids even lightly touched by the sick dysfunction that is your father and the family he created.

My parents are from Ireland, I grew up in England so not a minority no, but there is a strong sense of family on both sides.

I compare my young family. My children’s experience of unconditional love, protection and care and it feels a world away from my own experience as a child.
There is still a niggling feeling that they deserve it, and I do not. And will never have it now.

You mentioned earlier that you have kind friends around you, and a young family. I think it’s important to focus on those, and realise that the good people in your life do give you the love you deserve.

I’m sorry if I’ve missed it but do you have a partner, and in laws? Are they good to you?

I’m very much a believer that our family is more than just who we grew up with, for many people for many reasons. If you have a decent group of people around you, and loving children you care for and protect, then you have love and care too as it is reciprocated.

When I read your post I felt immediately queasy. Reading the list like that made me realise how lucky I am to be here, there are no guarantees that I would make it through. I am here and alive.

As an adult I have the choice to truly break free, and I have been able to with my father, the shock of my brothers words and who he now is has had a similar effect. I want no further contact at all.

The difficulty has always been my mother and how to manage her. I accept she did nothing to protect me. I still care for her deeply.

While dynamics like that happen in lots of countries and cultures, I recognise the misogyny/chauvanism and the behaviour around alcohol from here (Northern Ireland).

When I was reading Don Hennessy's book (How he gets in her head) who dealt with Irish victims of domestic violence, I could so easily imagine the things he related being said to his clients, and the attitudes behind them. It's not long ago at all that women were firmly second class citizens and I still see that even now. Some of his clients also became alcoholics and one passed away quite young from alcoholism.

Your Mum .... I suppose perhaps we overcompensate in loving/attaching to the one who's not directly abusive. They appear good in comparison, even if they're not.

A non psychopath, non violent captor/hostage taker would seem nice (and you'd be inclined to cling to them) compared to a violent, unpredictable, psychopath one.

She also made you become her carer and became a victim to you. Difficult to break that dynamic.

But if you want a relationship, can you have contact with your Mum away from your father, or does he obstruct that?

I hesitated before opening this thread because of the knowledge that it would probably be triggering due to my own past experiences.
But I wanted to add to the chorus of posters who admire your tremendous strength and courage in stepping away from the awful toxic environment that you have endured.
You cannot save your mother from her choices, no matter how difficult it is to watch her suffer. You have told her that you are there for her and beyond that, you have to prioritise yourself and your children.
Only my sister and I can truly understand how horrific our childhood was, but knowing that I have been able to raise my children to adulthood with peace and security means everything to me.
I found out that my father was dead several years after he passed and I felt nothing but relief. We have half siblings who had different experiences with our mother and view her in a better light than we can but we have made our peace with that.
Keep on doing what you’re doing, and perhaps you could consider counselling to accept the possibility that in time, staying away from your mother's funeral and writing off any inheritance would be the best way. Take care.

It’s hard to explain how important family funerals are, and the expectation that EVERYONE will attend come hell or high water. Hundreds will turn out from where we are from. Generous hospitality is a given afterwards. It’s been very hard to imagine it’s a choice before I posted on MN.

I was very close to PIL before they died, and BIL as well before he passed away. I have one SIL abd BIL we are close, she is lovely but lives a long way away but we will still see her when we can and their dc. So we do have some family members left - just not many.

My father hasn’t stopped my mother contacting me exactly, but he makes it very uncomfortable and difficult for her. She can’t make a private phone call for instance.

Family funerals are neither compulsory or by invitation.

You do not have to go to your Dad's and your DB cannot stop you attending your DM's.

YOU choose, OP. Don't worry about the opinions of eg Auntie and other family members - none of them were there to protect you from harm as a child. They didn't deserve your compliance then and they don't now.

Flowers can be sent direct to the funeral home for DM and the only person who is going to look bad kicking up a stink at her funeral is your brother. I'd be attending, head high, with DH and kids (if age appropriate) to pay respects then leave. You don't need to speak to family members if you don't want to.

You have allowed others to hijack your family for long enough. Do what YOU want to do now, and moving forward. These people, in reality, have zero control over what you choose to do or not do, OP.

Coercive control 😢

I really feel for you OP. I went no contact with all my family over 20 years ago-siblings, father, grandparents cousins etc as they were all so toxic and brought nothing but negativity to my life. I was only late teens but I could see how badly I was treated so told them all to leave me alone. My only family is my mum and my children. It can be lonely at times, especially when I see great relationships between siblings etc but I don’t regret it one bit.
i even had a cousin reach out to me who had removed herself from the family as she couldn’t deal with how badly she was treated anymore, but I just can’t go there. It’s all in the past for me.
Your family are supposed to love and care for you. And that love should be obvious. Thinking of you x

This expectation re funerals is very much an Irish thing rather than a general funeral thing. Noone would judge you for not attending. I think your idea lf staying in contact with your mum's twin is the way to approach it if you do want to at least know if anything happens.

Totally block your brother from your life.

Sorry wrong thread

What do you think your mum would say to the idea of getting a cheap PayG phone? She could power it down between calls and hide it. Does she ever get private time in the house, does he ever go out without her?

Your father didn't want children and he has now lost his daughter (and serves the prick right). Block your brother and don't look back. We don't owe our families a damn thing if they choose to not behave the way a family should, with love and acceptance. I'd cut them all loose but then again I'm a cold hearted cow when it comes to things like this (alcoholic father, my mum booted him out when he tried to attack her, she never looked back).

POLISHEDSHOESALWAYS
Great name! I can’t stand dirty shoes. 😂

listen, I have not even read all of your post and I haven’t even Read hardly. I’ve skimmed the answers because I’m actually in my car just about to jump out my car in the rain to go and buy spring onions but I could not not say a word.

First of all, amazing - honestly utterly amazing that you have got on & in your words ate having a healthy-ish/happy-ish like. and look where you’ve been already they’re not many people that are come out so strong as you I won’t be surprised and this is just a random guess I mean don’t quote me on it please but that your brother is probably not very nice to his own children if he has them.

I found out two years ago that my ex-husband was systematically abusing my den three and four year-old till the ages of 10 and 11 years old when they visit their father for a little while but then my eldest cope with their fathers stalking and annoying and he is generally normal sort of guy not the best nicest guy he was controlling to me when I was married to him but he was never violent me and never had any reason for him not to see his children. I do not believe in stop, men from seeing their children I knew he was aggressive. I knew he could be old school but I thought we cross that bridge we come to it and when a teenagers they are bound to get some bumps in the road and they’ll probably make up their mind for their selves did I know it was a lot worse than that like I said he never hit me and I never actually believed he would do anything like that to them, but they are both traumatised and I’m dealing with the fallout of that now and my son tried to commit suicide himself at 15 in school and it’s the most horrific couple of years of my life. I don’t think I will get over it. The police accidentally got involved. Don’t it’s all a bit of a blur because my son is really ill with depression as well. I’ve suffered myself. I’ve never seen someone of his age age by 80 years he look like a 90 year old man is depression was so bad and so quick and so sudden and I took him to the GP panicking in Woodley thinking no depressed no post what I gonna do thinking it’s my jeans my family and it turned out it wasn’t it turned out the story of the abuse and the looking in the cupboards and the stamping on the feet and the beans and all things are to listen to and I don’t know the half of it because my sons are far too kind and mature and lovely basically boys… to allow social services or anyone else to let me hear all the details of what happened to them I had no idea. I’ve sending them off every other weekend. Thinking was one of these brilliant weekend Dad that seem to be all the gadgets. Let them start late. Sounds typical just text book stuff. He hated me paid didn’t hate them in front of me. They was told to be quiet. They was threatened the bruises on their legs. I thought of climbing trees and being rough and tumble type boys turned out. They’re not turned out. They’ve got ADHD and autism which say that I’ve got ADHD now, which explains my car crash and explains why when I saw my son depressed I thought it was my jeans so to speak it could have been the main problem and I’m telling you there is no reason to even see that Man does not to see it deserve to see your children. I know it’s hard. I know your brother is your family too, but I wouldn’t be surprised if he wasn’t much cop. I just can’t help it but it does seem to follow a pattern. I can’t even see my eldest now who is recovered from depression medicated ADHD doing really well at school doing well in genuine life and much happier and well physically well that took six months to get rid of the depression but he shows signs of being quite narcissistic and reminds me of his father at times. I do not believe he’ll ever get to the stage where he hits his own kids because he knows how that felt but I would say to you is do you think that people will even deserve to see your children ? Should see your children and make them cry. I’m surprised you haven’t led your dad because I would’ve done in fact, if you tell me where you live I’ll come down there and landing for you. your brother sounds like a deluded. See you next Tuesday….

NSB Mum sadly very similar situation myself not as bad but my dad is very controlling of my mum and very demanding and controlling. This doesn’t do that and sometimes I have to sneak around to see her. You know what? I don’t think you’ll be missing any of these people from your life if you got rid of them altogether, your father and your brother it’s easy for me to say I’m an only child but all I know is is that your father does not even deserve to see your kids let alone you, even if no way there’s no keeping the peace who is keeping your mum serious stuff you had to deal with and all I can say is I’ve only read a bit of it but stuck in my throat as soon as I started reading it and I just wanted to tell you I bet you have friends that you are closer to than your own family. Why on earth would you let these people see your children and see you and possibly upset them including your brother cause he’s complete waste of space and just because they were related so I’m glad you broke the mould good luck to you. I think you’re an absolute star deserve and sadly Mum is a different generation. Probably been controlled all our loved by your dad and as much as possible as long as she doesn’t get harmed, I would try and let her see her grandchildren & hav as much of a relationship with you as possible I’ve got a feeling you’ve probably got a lot of other things in your life so are a lot more important than people that just happened to have the same name as you all the same bloodline as you know you’re not the same as damn you broke them all get away from them then two blokes your dad and your brother do not deserve to breathe the same as you and your children you are so much better than them. I can’t forgive your mum slightly because different generation she’s probably tried to just keep the peace of her life and I don’t know why you worried about your aunt I mean so what somewhere on that night anyway line is you are inspiration and you obviously have done amazing for yourself and I’m sure your kids are very happy and they don’t need them sort of people in their lives do they? That’s what bothers me about? My son is there I think that he has got narcissistic and very rigid thinking of us comes autism but which I can see his dad had now but there is no excuse for what he done to him locking him in cupboard starving him for days. I was this one for years and the damage psychiatrist pacifically said to me there is no way this damage is not gonna come back and bite your two sons on the bottom in someway or form. It already has. My oldest doesn’t mean it’s not come back again. ADHD and he’s friends he brings with him very hard to deal with as I’m finding, especially as I’m not medicated because suffering with depression anxiety with depression can think of alcoholism I’ve been sober 14 years now and I did that for my children and the first thing I did was look at their father and think you need to go because you’re making my nerves bad I don’t actually know why because he could literally walk in a room he didn’t ever hit me. It was just his manner so if this man is capable his dad of yours is capable of hitting you then what to say is not gonna hit your kids any time no no way.

sorry to sound so personal to come on so strong. It’s just that it really caught me. I was being naughty and driving and thought I’ll have a quick look on the phone and this came up on my email and I just could not not say anything but I’m telling you now I think you already know the answer to this question and you’re just looking for a load of women to validate you which you don’t need because you are I’m not gonna say something cheesy like - you are enough!! but the fact is I think you know for Will what’s better for your kids and for you or do you wanna keep looking at your dad for Jesus Christ? No way I wouldn’t want to if I was you what is there to rebuild? I’m sorry no.

Sometimes as an “only child” with distant cousins 50/70 miles away and literally two sons, me and my mum and dad sometimes I think “God you know u have t got the biggest support network” ….

especially because the controlling ex insisted on moving us out to the country away from my real friends (we R from london. All my real friends are all still there)…

A lot of the reason why I felt so isolated and sad after having the children and my drinking escalated and then became full-blown alcoholism and I know now that he was just trying to get me away from everyone but there was never any violence and I didn’t even realise how controlled he was until I’d left or he’d left. I should say….

I hav a new partner - i’m 14 years sober we have our own business but it’s not easy. It’s very hard to even be in a relationship without trouble when you have ADHD. It can be hard on your emotions and that’s why I struggle especially as I’m menopausal as well, but your story is one of success and of Hope and anyone else reading this. I hope that you are listening to the lady with the polish shoes because she knows what she’s doing, I think she knows what she should be doing like the comments but I could not get out and get these spring onions without saying something. Good luck to you. xxxx u kno what you’re doing.

if anyone wants to come and see you like your sister-in-law or someone you actually do like or someone you can trust it’s in your family then they can come and see you but as far as the rest I have nothing to do them I just make an extra special effort for your mum sake because I do believe that I’m sure like a lot of women now and specially then felt like she was doing the best she could and she’s probably gone through quite a lot herself but you are amazing and don’t double think twice about whatever you think whatever you think is right because you’re doing such a great job so far so you can’t be wrong, good luck - thank you for sharing your story and I’ll be reading the other answers when I get home because I’ll be interested to know whether your brother is a particularly good father himself because let’s face it the Apple doesn’t fall from the tree does it. xxxx

I am so sorry it’s been such a struggle for you. I hope you are finding life with your new partner much happier and your son recovers in time. We can only do our best as parents with the resources we have at the time. Look after yourself