To not want to go to Rome with Mil

[theotherfossilsister]

Mil can be very nice. She is great with ds, but there is a lot of tension between us. Dp is an only child and his dad died in November. We went to stay with her for two weeks after this although we live in the same city. I understand why. It was a big trauma for her and dp. My own dad died when I was pregnant with ds which was also hard, but I was very focused on the pregnancy then. I'm also one of four and lucky to have a brother who lives near my mum and supported her. I know it's harder for only children. My mum lives in France so it's a long way to go.

Mil and sadly fil to an extent massively overstepped when ds was born. He was in neonatal for a long stay and they'd turn up when they knew I had my breastfeeding support, and insist on coming in, so I had to go and sit in the pumping room while they held ds. Dp didn't stand up to me and I felt very vulnerable. Later I ended up in mother and baby unit.

There were other things too, like during my pregnancy I broke my arm and shoulder and could literally do nothing for myself but the week I had surgery for it they decided to go to Fils home town for two nights and take dp. They said it was very important dp went as his dad was ill, etc, but I was having a general anaesthetic (really bad break otherwise they'd not have done it when pregnant.) In the end the consultant told dp he needed to stay, and sadly for pils fil was too unwell to go anyway.

Stupid little things like this still really rankle still. It feels like mil doesn't see me as important.

I'm currently really agorophobic but working with an OT on exposure therapy. One of the things which feeds agrophobia is shame so I'm trying really hard to not be ashamed, but mil doesn't believe my agrophobia is real. I have an exaggerated freeze reflex where I literally freeze so hard that I fall over and I am carry a walking stick for this, recommend, but mil is disgusted by this. I'm working on getting well so hard and also on accepting and coexisting with the agrophobia.

It's really hard but I'm making progress

Dp wants to take Mil to Rome at the end of this month, and as it's important to her that DS comes I need to come as well, because I simply cannot be away from my twenty month old for five nights. I'm dreading this trip but understand it's something mil needs after her bereavement.

I also have limited annual leave and I'm trying to use it to write. Lots going on. I'm dreading this trip though

And yes, I know Rome is lovely.

Is Notinthemood12 OP's MIL? 🤔

Op. You are not selfish. In fact you sound very understanding of this situation where actually I find the ppl around you are the selfish ones. Of course you don't want to be away from your baby. Don't let anyone tell you that's wrong and you don't want to go Rome either because you're going thru and have been thru alot. How about your dp thinks of you abit more and his mother's needs abit less. These inlaws have lived their lives and you guys have not, you are a young family but its still got to be about her and her needs. Op get some strength to see that you're not in the wrong one bit. This woman was prepared to leave you alone when you was pregnant and about to have surgery but you're the one who thinks you're being selfish. Speak up and trust your own gut and don't allow others to make you think you're wrong just so they are free to go about doing what makes them happy. Your a family member too. Your happiness counts as well.

No

You get out of it by saying ‘no’. You and your son aren’t going.

He clearly doesn’t understand exposure therapy as it only works if you are in control of the exposure, otherwise it risks making the condition worse.

I really hope you are able to express yourself in the relationship counselling and if not, I wonder if it is helping or making things worse?

Well I wouldn't have let my baby go abroad with that husband and that mother-in-law either!

Absolutely!

How is your husband and son's relationship? Is he a good, caring, loving father and does your son accept him as one of his main carers?

If so, then I don't think there is any reason you shouldn't let your husband take your son on the trip if he wants to. Of course you'll miss him, but that's OK.

If not, then you have even bigger problems than your MIL I'm afraid.

Thank you all so much for your replies. Some of you replied with amazing empathy to all concerned and it was interesting to see that yes, dp is torn and all of us have been through a lot as that's a really interesting way to look at it and encourages me to be understanding

Some points

Dp is great with ds. I love their bond. Ds is more bonded with me I'd say but he adores his dad and his dad adores him.

I'm in my thirties. I was under perinatal until July. Adult has less funding.

I'd love to get better but it's a really slow process and mil doesn't understand. She's not a bitch, she just totally doesn't get it and thinks I'm doing it to myself somehow.

The Ot suggested a Zimmer frame but honestly I feel like that would impede my recovery.

Dp can be great and he can be a total pushover.

I think the idea of going somewhere rural outside Rome is a good one.

I'm very aware of the limits I impose on ds with my agrophobia and want to get well so I can be the mum he deserves and can do normal things with him.

Sounds like my MIL. On the surface "nice " but treats you like crap and encourages her son to do the same. Please please be strong and don't go. Put yourself and your kid first and don't let them blackmail you. This mother-and-son bubble they have is all about them. That won't change. My mil died a few years ago but she really wrecked my marriage. I can't really forgive my husband for not standing up for me. But at least I stood up for myself and my son. She couldn't help being vindictive, she just was and accommodating her just made it worse.

Ok am taking my comments back as it seems you are not anti mil and looking at compromises. Yes you are all going through it at the moment I hope you find a solution that works for you all

Thank you. DP just suggested Tivoli with train into Rome. That might be better. I'm generally becoming okish when not confronted with crowds and traffic. Crowds and traffic are where I go to pieces.

Crowds and traffic are where I go to pieces

sorry to break it to you but crowds and traffic is exactly what Rome is like. Unless you're planning to stay in Tivoli and let them go into Rome without you?

We went to Rome with 2 children - it's not very child friendly if they're small. I found it was lacking in playgrounds or green spaces for my youngest when the eldest was off sight-seeing with my DH.

If you do go book a hop-on / hop-off bus ticket as that was a life saver for us in getting around the city but it was still hard work with a small child!

I would do a 3-5 day cruise break from Southampton instead. They are good value. Kids clubs are included. MIL can go off and see cities (admittedly only Northern Europe) and you can stay on the ship and chill but you have gone somewhere at least and MIL and DP get their time together.

Plus no flights. Or traffic. And they are all accessible with lots of staff.

There were other things too, like during my pregnancy I broke my arm and shoulder and could literally do nothing for myself but the week I had surgery for it they decided to go to Fils home town for two nights and take dp. They said it was very important dp went as his dad was ill, etc, but I was having a general anaesthetic (really bad break otherwise they'd not have done it when pregnant.) In the end the consultant told dp he needed to stay, and sadly for pils fil was too unwell to go anyway

You have a massive DP problem.
They decided to go to Fils home town and "take" DP??? As if he was some kind of passive passenger in all of this who was simply lifted up off the street and bundled into a car and "taken" to FILs home town. Obviously it didn't happen in the end but he's the problem here, the PILs less so. He should have said, no, he couldn't go because his pregnant partner was having to have surgery. Not bloody waiting until a consultant told him had to stay. Ridiculous.

I would not be going to Rome with a 20 month year old and an agoraphobia problem. And no decent person would be expecting you to either. DP should be telling MIL he can go to Rome with her but you will be staying at home with the child.

Just say no, you won't be going and nor will the child.
They can't abduct you and the child.
They can kick off and make a fuss but maybe they need to learn that their expectations are ludicrous.

Your DP gives me the ick just reading about how wet and ineffectual he is

If you're going to be left with your son in Tivoli though, why bother going at all? Couldn't you go to a nice agriturismo somewhere nearish to Rome so you have something to do all day? Being in a Roman suburb with a toddler on your own is just another nightmare to me.

Tivoli? Are you crazy? Stand up for yourself. You are not in full health.

Could you go elsewhere in Italy e.g. the lakes? Your mil can still head to Como or Milan or Verona if she wants to be in a city but it's a lot more baby friendly.

You cannot go to Rome until you can cope with crowds. Everything is incredibly crowded. If you get a very central accommodation you might not see much traffic as there's a mess of tiny streets that cars don't use much that you can use to get to most main attractions but the crowds will be enormous.

Ostia? By the beach so more child friendly and less busy but stuff to do. But as above I really wouldn't go and would ask why your DP is insistent he won't go without DS when he knows how much distress that would cause you and DS.

I wouldn't have left my 20 month old children for 5 days either. That's totally reasonable.

As for your DP and MIL, @theotherfossilsister, tell both of them to fuck right off. Stupid idea to take such a young child to Rome!!

I can't understand why anyone would want to take a 20 month old to Rome. Arrange a family holiday to the seaside instead. The 20 month old will be far happier, and it will be less stressful.

If you need a stick for balance etc then it's going to be hard to look after DS in a foreign city (although I imagine the pushchair might be good for balance)? From what I remember Rome is quite cobbled which could be a lot harder to deal with.

Totally agree with this comment. Wouldn't go, but if you must go, then a second vote for Ostia

My mil similarly thought she had ownership of her ds. We weren't yet married but engaged when I had an emcs complete with suspected heart attack. Mil's first response that ds had arrived 5 weeks early was now dh would be able to go on their annual trip away ( with her and fil) . When then dp said of course he wouldn't be leaving us in a fortnight mil effectively dumped us all. Haven't seen her for over 9 years..

Maybe you could do a test run of being separated from your child who is nearly two years old. Pack them all off to Rome and enjoy some relaxing "me time"!!!