To not want to go to Rome with Mil

[theotherfossilsister]

Mil can be very nice. She is great with ds, but there is a lot of tension between us. Dp is an only child and his dad died in November. We went to stay with her for two weeks after this although we live in the same city. I understand why. It was a big trauma for her and dp. My own dad died when I was pregnant with ds which was also hard, but I was very focused on the pregnancy then. I'm also one of four and lucky to have a brother who lives near my mum and supported her. I know it's harder for only children. My mum lives in France so it's a long way to go.

Mil and sadly fil to an extent massively overstepped when ds was born. He was in neonatal for a long stay and they'd turn up when they knew I had my breastfeeding support, and insist on coming in, so I had to go and sit in the pumping room while they held ds. Dp didn't stand up to me and I felt very vulnerable. Later I ended up in mother and baby unit.

There were other things too, like during my pregnancy I broke my arm and shoulder and could literally do nothing for myself but the week I had surgery for it they decided to go to Fils home town for two nights and take dp. They said it was very important dp went as his dad was ill, etc, but I was having a general anaesthetic (really bad break otherwise they'd not have done it when pregnant.) In the end the consultant told dp he needed to stay, and sadly for pils fil was too unwell to go anyway.

Stupid little things like this still really rankle still. It feels like mil doesn't see me as important.

I'm currently really agorophobic but working with an OT on exposure therapy. One of the things which feeds agrophobia is shame so I'm trying really hard to not be ashamed, but mil doesn't believe my agrophobia is real. I have an exaggerated freeze reflex where I literally freeze so hard that I fall over and I am carry a walking stick for this, recommend, but mil is disgusted by this. I'm working on getting well so hard and also on accepting and coexisting with the agrophobia.

It's really hard but I'm making progress

Dp wants to take Mil to Rome at the end of this month, and as it's important to her that DS comes I need to come as well, because I simply cannot be away from my twenty month old for five nights. I'm dreading this trip but understand it's something mil needs after her bereavement.

I also have limited annual leave and I'm trying to use it to write. Lots going on. I'm dreading this trip though

And yes, I know Rome is lovely.

Mum's house is rural for one thing. Another is I didn't have anyone judging me really for needing the stick for the freeze reflex. If I go to Rome mil will expect me to cope without it.

I'm sorry, but WHY THE FUCK does it matter to you what your mil 'expects' of you? She can expect all she likes, but you still don't have to do it. And why on earth is your DH letting his mother treat you like this?

Your MIL is batshit and your DH is a twat. Don't go to Rome and don't let them take your 20-month-old to Rome either because he will get literally zero enjoyment from it. He won't be interested in anything Rome has to offer and he'll just have to be strapped into a buggy pretty much the entire time, because it will be incredibly crowded.

Your DH saying 'Well, I'll have to disappoint my mum, then' is emotional blackmail. Let her be disappointed. It's not your problem.

Thank goodness someone else picked up on that, was thinking it was only me! Baffled as to why she's disgusted with Ops stick

Plus, what on earth has it got to do with MIL! She doesn't get a say in whether OP feels she needs to use a stick or not, it's absolutely none of her business.

And @theotherfossilsister honestly why are you engaging in this nonsense? Why are you giving a fuck what your MIL thinks about you using a stick? You should be paying precisely zero notice of her opinion.

I assume as she lives so close she must see DS quite frequently. I would tell DH to go to Rome with MIL this time, without you or DS. They will get much more out of it without 20 month old with them.

Then when DS is older they can go again.

Would she like a weekend away with all of you in this country, somewhere that suits you more?

Rome is not suitable for you or your toddler - unless perhaps if they book a lovely hotel with good child facilities that you can stay in with your child.
What are they going to do in Rome? Endless walking if seeing the sites.
Also too many crowds perhaps as people going this time of year instead of too hot summer.
Why did DH not ask you where and if you wanted to go not just saying Rome is planned xyz?

Christ Op I could cry for you!

Your partner sounds a shit!

MIL doesn't need all of you there FFS!

Why can't/won't he go with just his Mum?

I can imagine you'll just be tagging along behind with your son tbh.

Your DP is 100% emotionally blackmailing you by saying he won't go away with his mum without your DS - the therapist should be able to explain that to him. Make sure you give the therapist all the info you've given us here. It might help him to have an outside perspective.

He should just go with his mum alone, or he should suggest a more suitable alternative that you'd be more comfortable with.

I don’t think you have to force yourself to go to Rome with MiL when she is belittling your agoraphobia. No wonder you are having MH issues, your dh is such a wazzock it would drive anyone into a mental health condition. If you had his love and support I reckon you’d be faring much better.

This is how I’d have the conversation: “Look dh, I told you already - I am not going to Rome, and I don’t want DS going away for that long as he’s too young for such a long trip away from his mum. So you have a choice: take mil by yourself which means you can actually do all the sightseeing without dragging a screaming angry toddler along, or wait a few years until DS is older and meantime take mil somewhere else for a long weekend.”

You don’t have to give a reason beyond “I don’t want to”.

OP. Put yourself and child first. Don't be dictated to by his mother, Because:

1. Baby is too young to appreciate a trip to Rome.
2. You are still unwell.

3.Even if you were well, you still wouldn't want to go, because A. There's something you would like to do instead (writing, I think) B. MIL doesn't like you, is mean to you, and is trying to use your baby to control you and her son to get what she wants. Just say no, I don't want to. Please.

I do think you have to give your partner reasons above 'I don't want to' but the point is there are a ton of good reasons why going to Rome isn't a great idea and your partner should listen to them.

Did you have agoraphobia?

Did you need a stick for your balance?

Were the other members of the party useful adults?

Let her be disappointed and/or upset. It'll do her good.

A city break with a 20 month old sounds unnecessarily hard, even without your additional challenges of an illness/disability and an unsupportive mother in law.

You could compromise and suggest he books a much more rural holiday, since Rome is clearly unsuitable. But only if he has a word with MIL and tells her to cut the comments and be more supportive. Or you could just put your foot down and say it's not happening.

I think the OP knows more about her condition than we do and what she is/isn't able to cope with

@theotherfossilsister please PLEASE go for counselling by yourself. Make some phone calls and book to see someone. You need some support to see what is going on in your relationship with your partner.

Amd in the meantime don’t go to Rome. If your partner chooses not to go with his mother, that’s his choice.

Can I ask - did you suffer for anxiety and agoraphobia before you met your DP?

Well I wouldn't have let my baby go abroad with that husband and that mother-in-law either.

Also, have you not realised that the OP is having her own mental health problems, so doesn't need people trying to make her feel bad about not wanting to be apart from her small child for any length of time. Even if she didn't have any MH difficulties she is entitled to feel like that.

Unless I had had to go into hospital, I wouldn't have agreed to be apart from my children at that age either.

Looking after yourself is not selfish OP

I'm with you on this Op. Your MIL sounds dreadful, but taking a toddler to Rome with them sounds even worse.

If MIL and "D"P want you to be amenable to their whims, they need to have done the groundwork of respecting and caring for you. They've done neither of those things, hence, by their own doing, are now faced with the situation that you feel unsafe, anxious and blackmailed at the prospect of going on holiday with them. Their fault, their problem, their loss. If they had treated you properly, with love and respect, respecting your health issues (unbelievable that MIL mocks and disregards your need for a walking stick) and prioritising you when you were in need, you'd inevitably feel much safer and more secure to go away with them and do challenging things.

THEIR. FAULT. I can't believe how appallingly you've been treated and that they have the gall to mope and sulk (thinking of your partner in particular) when you don't now feel secure and confident spending time with them abroad. This is called "consequences of their actions".

Your MIL seems to enjoy power games & your H enables her.
Rome is not a holiday for someone like you who needs support & understanding to recover. Equally a baby doesn’t know or care about seeing the sites.
You are not married to your MIL. She doesn’t get to dictate your health and emotional needs or where you go on holiday.
There are many companies who supply holidays for solo travelers. Maybe she needs to be encouraged to make new friends and new social groups. Prehaps then she would have less time for stirring trouble.
OP you are important. Don’t let your MIL eat away at your confidence.
Dont feel guilty. It’s your H who should be ashamed that his dithering inability to stand up to his mother is hurting his wife

Selective agoraphobia. Only leaves the house to go where she wants to go and can travel abroad to see her own mum. I’d like the other side of the story here I really would

Power games indeed

In your shoes op I wouldn't go to the end of the garden with mil never mind Rome....
Toxicity at it's best.

He should just go with his mum, and leave you and DS at home in peace if MIL wants to go so badly.

Oh wait, he doesn't want to just go with her, because he knows she is an absolute nightmare and he needs a deflection - you - to take the emphasis off him.

Why is that concerning.. perfectly normal to not want to be apart from your child for 5 days when they are young . I understand your point but to say its concerning is a massive stretch...

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