To not want to go to Rome with Mil

[theotherfossilsister]

Mil can be very nice. She is great with ds, but there is a lot of tension between us. Dp is an only child and his dad died in November. We went to stay with her for two weeks after this although we live in the same city. I understand why. It was a big trauma for her and dp. My own dad died when I was pregnant with ds which was also hard, but I was very focused on the pregnancy then. I'm also one of four and lucky to have a brother who lives near my mum and supported her. I know it's harder for only children. My mum lives in France so it's a long way to go.

Mil and sadly fil to an extent massively overstepped when ds was born. He was in neonatal for a long stay and they'd turn up when they knew I had my breastfeeding support, and insist on coming in, so I had to go and sit in the pumping room while they held ds. Dp didn't stand up to me and I felt very vulnerable. Later I ended up in mother and baby unit.

There were other things too, like during my pregnancy I broke my arm and shoulder and could literally do nothing for myself but the week I had surgery for it they decided to go to Fils home town for two nights and take dp. They said it was very important dp went as his dad was ill, etc, but I was having a general anaesthetic (really bad break otherwise they'd not have done it when pregnant.) In the end the consultant told dp he needed to stay, and sadly for pils fil was too unwell to go anyway.

Stupid little things like this still really rankle still. It feels like mil doesn't see me as important.

I'm currently really agorophobic but working with an OT on exposure therapy. One of the things which feeds agrophobia is shame so I'm trying really hard to not be ashamed, but mil doesn't believe my agrophobia is real. I have an exaggerated freeze reflex where I literally freeze so hard that I fall over and I am carry a walking stick for this, recommend, but mil is disgusted by this. I'm working on getting well so hard and also on accepting and coexisting with the agrophobia.

It's really hard but I'm making progress

Dp wants to take Mil to Rome at the end of this month, and as it's important to her that DS comes I need to come as well, because I simply cannot be away from my twenty month old for five nights. I'm dreading this trip but understand it's something mil needs after her bereavement.

I also have limited annual leave and I'm trying to use it to write. Lots going on. I'm dreading this trip though

And yes, I know Rome is lovely.

I wish you all the best but am totally confused by anyone saying that a 20 month will love Rome. To me that sounds as if they have not thought about it at all- which would really annoy me

My DC doesn't remember any of our trips before aged five. This includes Disneyland Paris, Paris, Ireland and Nice 😂. It was horrible trying to manage the trips with a small tired person in tow. They need regular feeding, routine and set bedtimes. I would tell your DP to enjoy his trip with his Mum but your DS will not be going and neither will you. There will be plenty of time for trips later when he's older and you're in a better position mentally and physically.

I suspect you will end up just being babysitter on this trip - it will be your lap that your DS is sat on for the flight, and you that stays in when they go out. If I felt MIL would babysit so you could go out with your DH, it might be different.

Why does your MiL's bereavement take priority over your agrophobia? Bereavement is fairly predictable as we get older and she needs to deal with it. You have a debilitating condition and are seeking help for it, as well as coping with a demahding toddler. Personally, I'd let them take your DS and deal with the joy of a toddler on a city break and spend the time doing what you want to do. Your MiL sounds like a manipulative nightmare. Your DH needs to work out what's important.

If crowds and traffic are the issue you just can't go to Rome. A 20 month old will be a nightmare there. Staying in Tivoli will make very little difference. DP problem, just say no and what he chooses to do with that information is his choice. Wishing you well for your recovery, I will you had more empathy from your family.

I’d ask him why your feelings don’t seem to matter as much as his mums?
that is what it boils down to. Can’t upset mum, can’t disappoint mum. So you have to be the one who suffers.
I would tell him that your feelings matter just as much and it’s about time he started acting like a proper partner and put your feelings ahead of his mums.

Your little one will love it though. Mine is 25 months and I'm taking him everywhere. And they understand much more than we can think. Till the age of 3 majority of their brain develops.
But - not going because of your mother in law, yes that is a different story. She has no right to push you to go, although she wants her grandson to be with her. In that case you can always say that you don't feel to be in the crowdy places, that you are just not comfortable, and oh boy Rome is overcrowded. So... you will need to find that kind of excuse if you really don't want to go.

The facts are your 20 month old will NOT enjoy Rome, neither will he enjoy the flight or how ever you plan to get there. And don’t assume there will be a toddler playground around every corner in Rome, because there won’t be. Rome is a large city with the usual traffic problems - why take a toddler there? So you are not to blame for spoiling MIL's holiday - they have a choice
The two of them can go, or they can choose a destination more toddler friendly. But you are not prepared to put your DS through this nightmare and DH and MIL are being totally unreasonable to expect you to do so.
Good luck - don’t be browbeaten into this.

No, just no. DP and MIL have little to no regard for you. I wouldn’t want to hinder my mental health further by putting myself in a situation I was dreading and not wanting to do and you need to keep away from this woman. DP needs to step up big time and fight your corner, this allows her to continue doing it. She’s trying to be in control. Put a stop to it now OP.

We went to Rome with our 9 year old son, god he was bored, I definitely didn’t see any playgrounds. It will be v warm, it’s noisy and dusty, not a place for a toddler
DP is an idiot, why would a 20 month love it

It’s good that you’re going to couples therapy. I don’t think your husband is necessarily the arsehole everyone else on this thread seems to think he is. He sounds to me like he’s torn between wanting to meet the complicated needs of two women - his mother and you. It sounds like there haven’t ever been clear boundaries in place between him and his own parents so it’s hard for him to do that now. Hopefully through couples work, you can negotiate and agree to some compromises and he can learn how to stand up for you to his mum.

"Thanks but that's not a trip I'd like to take DS on right now, but maybe in future."

There are places I'd consider taking a 20 mo old but Rome isn't one of them.

Draw the line. They're not treating you with any respect whatsoever, your DP included.

Y

Your other half is a twat. I won’t call him a partner as he’s not really being your partner. He should stand up for you and not be a limp Mommy’s boy. Yes, go support his mother, I can understand that but he should be putting your needs first and leave you to get on with your treaty. She sounds very needy and if boundaries are not set now, this is how it’s always going to be.

I'm in Rome today. Its manic. There are people in your way constantly. I'm struggling with avoiding them. Add a pushchair into the mix... just no.
Stand your ground. He is your son too. Stand up for you both. Let dp take mil and you stay home. The France thing is not equitable. He came to support you both physically and mentally. You don't need to reciprocate those things.
Don't ever feel the need to explain to mil re your illnesses. Less is very much more. If she doubts you, let her speak it, then walk away. Leaves dp to explain. You don't owe her any explanation.

Frankly the hospital visit incident is totally totally outrageous. I would hate that.

I agree with PP, your DP sounds awful and manipulative.
You are not taking away MIL's holiday, your DP is doing that if he refuses to go without you and DS. He needs to accept that, please don't let him make out it is your responsibility. Nobody has to do things they don't want and I agree, Rome with 20 month old sounds rough.
I wonder if he has an issue with his DM and that is why he's pressuring you to go too.
He may have come with you to your DM but you visit his and are not obliged to holiday with her too. I also expect he wouldn't have let you go alone.
It sounds like you have been through so much and he, and his family have used this against you. You deserve better.
P.s can you not say annual leave has been refused if really feel unable to stand up to their pressure.

@theotherfossilsister "Dp did say we can give him an hour in a playground every day to make him easier" - yes because Rome has playgrounds everywhere in the city centre. Right next to all the tourist spots, the colliseum, the forum, St Peter's...
Spoiler alert: I've been to Rome. It doesn't. Your DP & DMIL are batshit.

@Notinthemood12 she didn't. Her mom lives in France and they went together, once, when her dad died.

Toddlers aren’t reasonable. You can’t buy them off with an hour in a play ground so that they look at Roman columns for the rest of the day. I’m sure Rome is doable, people there have babies and toddlers full time, but it’s definitely not something I’d choose, even before I threw in demanding MIL, wet DH and agoraphobia.

This sounds like very self critical talk to me. It's absolutely not pathetic that as a mother YOU know what is best for you and your son. It's time to take yourself seriously so that others have to aa well. I left my first born wirh his loving dad for 3 nights when he was 24 months old.
At the time I didn't think much of it. However it had quite an effect on my son and both his dad Nd I realised that our child suffered pretty intense separation anxiety and it was too much for him at the time obviously.
It's so important as a new mum to trust your instincts and stand up for you and your son's needs.
Imagine if you forced yourself to stay behind when they took your son for 5 nights when you weren't ready for it...the grief and regret you'd feel.
i dont know why so many posters are acting like its no big deal but to me, 5 nights is a very long time to separate from a premature baby.

Stop and breathe.
Why Rome and now at end of this month?
MIL has two important relationships - son and grandchild.
Not sure by post, how old grandchild is now.
But clearly for you - you need to sort out your own husband/wife/son family foremost.
Not sure if you've processed loss of your own dad during pregnancy - were you close, because you've brushed that one under the carpet, but have you really?
You have emotional/psychological issues - manifesting as physical. What help or treatment are you getting?
How much are your disabilities impacting normal family life?
Because dad might be thinking normal getting out and about holiday and support of a grandparent might be a good thing for your child?
You feel marginalised by MIL - very valid. And hostile on her part.
But are you able to be mum as the heart of the family? Or is that dad?
I think you need a plan of action.
Where are you in terms of current husband/wife/son family life?
If you're not overwhelmed - where do you want to be in terms of husband/wife/son family life.
I'd start off by making sure family weekly routines (getting up, commutes, meals, bedtime) are embedded and respected. Because routines, familiarity and expectations, frees up a lot of mental space.
But personally, if you're agarophobic - I wouldn't take you or grandchild to Rome, filled with traffic, noise, not really child-friendly - I'd take you to a child-friendly location or Disneyland Paris for a short stay.
But you might be so consistently negative that people are trying to live inspite of you, rather than with you.

Why is do a prick??

sounds to me like a typical situation - mom thinks everyone owes her. little sympathy for intent and expectations if grandparents.

its like society seems to think that when you become a. Grandparent you lose all wisdom, sense, and gave no right to make any decision without asking your DIL. Your a mum and you cant stand yo for yourself to say I need this feeding time with the baby you have to wait? The problem isn’t the grandparents. This may be a generational thing but I grew up being taught to respect my elders.

Your kid does not exist to fulfill the emotional needs of your bereaved MIL.

You don't need to enable her treatment of you because she has recently lost her husband.

It's better to get used to saying no.

Your DH can go if it's important to her to have this holiday.

If this guy wasn't your kiddies Dad, I'd send him off to Rome for as long as posssible. Tell her straight up that you refuse to let your baby go abroad until he can at least walk. Playground for an hour - he really hsn't a clue. Most guys make a choice at the alter whether to give priority to the wife or the mother. It's obvious where your prick is laying his bets. Just say no very lud or you wil go on suffering at her hands forever. Can't comprehend ageophobia - send her back to school!

YANBU DP needs to escort MIL to Rome, while you and bub stay home and relax... both of you get mummy and bubby time.

Take care of yourself @theotherfossilsister there is only one of you and you are more than enough bumps and all 🌺

If he chooses to disappoint his mother by not going with her, that's his problem. It sounds as if you would find the trip exhausting and unpleasant.