To not want to go to Rome with Mil

[theotherfossilsister]

Mil can be very nice. She is great with ds, but there is a lot of tension between us. Dp is an only child and his dad died in November. We went to stay with her for two weeks after this although we live in the same city. I understand why. It was a big trauma for her and dp. My own dad died when I was pregnant with ds which was also hard, but I was very focused on the pregnancy then. I'm also one of four and lucky to have a brother who lives near my mum and supported her. I know it's harder for only children. My mum lives in France so it's a long way to go.

Mil and sadly fil to an extent massively overstepped when ds was born. He was in neonatal for a long stay and they'd turn up when they knew I had my breastfeeding support, and insist on coming in, so I had to go and sit in the pumping room while they held ds. Dp didn't stand up to me and I felt very vulnerable. Later I ended up in mother and baby unit.

There were other things too, like during my pregnancy I broke my arm and shoulder and could literally do nothing for myself but the week I had surgery for it they decided to go to Fils home town for two nights and take dp. They said it was very important dp went as his dad was ill, etc, but I was having a general anaesthetic (really bad break otherwise they'd not have done it when pregnant.) In the end the consultant told dp he needed to stay, and sadly for pils fil was too unwell to go anyway.

Stupid little things like this still really rankle still. It feels like mil doesn't see me as important.

I'm currently really agorophobic but working with an OT on exposure therapy. One of the things which feeds agrophobia is shame so I'm trying really hard to not be ashamed, but mil doesn't believe my agrophobia is real. I have an exaggerated freeze reflex where I literally freeze so hard that I fall over and I am carry a walking stick for this, recommend, but mil is disgusted by this. I'm working on getting well so hard and also on accepting and coexisting with the agrophobia.

It's really hard but I'm making progress

Dp wants to take Mil to Rome at the end of this month, and as it's important to her that DS comes I need to come as well, because I simply cannot be away from my twenty month old for five nights. I'm dreading this trip but understand it's something mil needs after her bereavement.

I also have limited annual leave and I'm trying to use it to write. Lots going on. I'm dreading this trip though

And yes, I know Rome is lovely.

I don't think you read the post properly and you are giving a proposterous ideas for something no one asked for.
What part of 'my child is too young to be in such a crowded city that he will have no interest with' , you failed to understand?

Ohhhh, how you missed the point. The problem is she is forced to go, as her husband is pushing her saying he's not going without their son. And as she doesn't want leave her son to go by his daddy and MIL only, she is forced to go. Nothing to do with respect of her MIL. Why do you comment if you clearly don't understand?

How many children do you have?

I don't go to the 'ltb' response, but good grief @theotherfossilsister , your DH is very trying.
You DS does not have to be your MILs entertainment or show-off piece. I am sure she is mourning the loss of her OH, but there are clear warning signs that she will be invigled into your family life before you've changed your new baby's first nappy.
He is not supporting you, and the number of times you see your mother is irrelevant here.
He has to get a grip
Best wishes, good luck

Haven't read the whole thread @theotherfossilsister but you say you only recently got moved to the adult team, does that mean you are very young?

Sorry, I should have been more clear. I was under perinatal team til July. I'm in my thirties

I think the posters saying Dp is torn are right. Mil isn't awful but she doesn't really understand mental illness very well.

Just feeling really sad and down today. I want to get well enough that I feel safe to take my toddler out on our own, it seems achievable hrn terrifying then achievable again. I am working so hard.

Also, of course I miss my dad horribly. When he died I was being really closely monitored for an iugr pregnancy and trying to work as well so he focus was very much on that.

Being widowed is far worse than you can imagine but it doesn't give MiL the right to call the shots. DP is also in bereavement, which doesn't mean he ought to shirk his responsibilities to you or try to manipulate you. He and his mother can go or not, as they choose. Don't be blackmailed into ignoring your own needs.

I think the posters saying Dp is torn are right. Mil isn't awful but she doesn't really understand mental illness very well.

Does your partner?

Otherwise he wouldn't be trying to force you to go by saying he won't go without your son.

My answer to that would be "seems as if you're not going then".

No @theotherfossilsister that isn’t selfish.

Your MIL has no need to take your son on holiday, she is behaving like a spoiled brat and your husband is enabling her.

You really need to get yourself away from the pair of them.

No, op doesn’t need to find any kind of excuse-

“I am not going and you are not taking ds” is perfectly sufficient.

"Stupid little things like this still really rankle still. It feels like mil doesn't see me as important".

No no no no no!!! These are not stupid little things!! What you have mention... Are where your "partner" needs the step up and your bloody MIL knows it! I would be going nowhere with this women!

She needs to get a grip and your husband needs to find his balls and support you!!!

I don't think you should go. I think it might affect your mental health. With regards to DS, I wouldn't want him to be away from me that long either. I would say no or 2-3 nights. They don't need to go for 5 nights. I don't actually see why people say that Rome isn't appropriate for a child of this age.

Ohhhh dear. You missed my point. But here's a 🎖to pin on. You seem to need one.

Maybe it's a cultural or generational thing. I have more traditional views of how to treat elders. MIL lost her spouse. DIL needs to go. End of.

Next time don't be so arrogant as to assume that because your OPINION is different than someone else commenting that they did not understand and question why they responded. Actually, go right ahead. Then we can ask you what's so horrible about your life that you needed to do that. Maybe start a new thread for that...

Sorry, but getting to mum in France is SO not on a par with traipsing around a busy city with a toddler who will probably be grumpy from a flight too. DP is being naive if he thinks that he is going to manage supporting you, DS and MIL in a strange city. Encourage him to go, if you are happy to manage alone, but say NO as loudly as you can.
Yes MIL has a right to feel a little self-centred right now, but how often does she spend hours on end with DS? - She will tire of him. The Vatican is lit up at night, but tell her she will miss out on the magic if she has to lug him around after his bed-time.
He will not remember ANY of it within weeks.
Is there no other children/siblings who can go?

How difficult
I think your route doing great to be able to go to france to visit mum, that alone must be difficult as I know how stressful flying or getting the ferry etc can be!
If your MIL makes your MH worse then it’s not worth the risk of her putting your progress back!…. I would just be saying no to going and not to DS going and not allow myself to be bullied/pressured into it… with all respect it’s tough shit on the MIL… if she’s going to insist on it being Rome and insist that everyone goes then she’s the one putting in unrealistic barriers making her holiday impossible!…. If it’s time with her son and GS she wants then she’d be just as happy with a trip to Dorset! And aim for Rome later! You need to discuss this at counselling and lay down some boundaries… MIL is being daft insisting you all go! It’s not like she doesn’t get to see you much if you’re 3 miles away!

Oooh go all the way to Italy and your DP says we could give him an hour in a playground each day...that's big of him,or here's an idea you go to Rome with your mum and myself and child will stay home.

MIL lost her spouse. DIL needs to go. End of.

WTF?

OP has debilitating agoraphobia and quite literally, freezes and falls over in crowded places. Rome, a crowded place, is not somewhere she should be. End of.

Mil lost her spouse. DIL needs to go. End of.

@cremebrulait I read your posts; about the expectations of grandparents; about it being a generational thing etc; and now about MIL lost her spouse so everyone else needs to jump.

Did you read that Op lost her dad, while going through a difficult pregnancy?
Did you read that Op has a debilitating mental illness?

Not sure what generation you are, but I am 62 so in the Baby Boomer cohort. My lovely parents tried to teach me to respect all ages, and to have empathy.

My personal view is that a kind compromise would be for DP to accompany his mum on this trip. Two adults will get a lot out of free time in Rome, and I do understand that MIL is having a hard time after her loss.

Meantime, Op and her young child should stay at home, where Op can continue to get better and DS has everything he needs.

She lost her father toughly 2 years ago.

She says it is important for MIL that DS goes.

This is not complicated.

Using mental health as an avoidance strategy is something any therapist would want you to work through.

Having living parents is a luxury. There may not be another trip.

I disagree with you. My grandparents were who I spent a lot of time with and they were teenagers in the Great Depression. Grandpa fought in WW2. They never took life for granted. They never took anyone for granted. OP is making excuses for her inconvenience instead of being there for MIL and DP. It is that simple.

I’m sorry but if you were genuinely agoraphobic you’d be unable to get out of the front door and going on holiday wouldn’t be an option

Utter bollocks @Dita73 and I know this because I live with agoraphobia.

I mean obviously your partner should tell his mum it's not happening.

If I offered to take my mum on a city break & she didn't want to without my toddler child I think I'd forget the whole thing.

Dh wants to take his mum to Rome - great, off he goes.
Mil wants your ds there - sorry, no. We can't all have everything we want, and she doesn't get the final say as to your sons whereabouts.
You don't want to go. Don't go.
You don't want to be away from your little one for 5 nights, that's understandable. He doesn't go. That's your choice as primary caregiver.

Please say that you really would love to do this holiday with all of you together but that after the trip to France being harder that you expected can we plan it for next year. You will then be able to work with your therapist on getting better. If they insist on going this year they are being very unkind to you.
I would just refuse to go and hide your sons passport.
I hope you get the help you need and wish you the best of luck.🙂