To not want to go to Rome with Mil

[theotherfossilsister]

Mil can be very nice. She is great with ds, but there is a lot of tension between us. Dp is an only child and his dad died in November. We went to stay with her for two weeks after this although we live in the same city. I understand why. It was a big trauma for her and dp. My own dad died when I was pregnant with ds which was also hard, but I was very focused on the pregnancy then. I'm also one of four and lucky to have a brother who lives near my mum and supported her. I know it's harder for only children. My mum lives in France so it's a long way to go.

Mil and sadly fil to an extent massively overstepped when ds was born. He was in neonatal for a long stay and they'd turn up when they knew I had my breastfeeding support, and insist on coming in, so I had to go and sit in the pumping room while they held ds. Dp didn't stand up to me and I felt very vulnerable. Later I ended up in mother and baby unit.

There were other things too, like during my pregnancy I broke my arm and shoulder and could literally do nothing for myself but the week I had surgery for it they decided to go to Fils home town for two nights and take dp. They said it was very important dp went as his dad was ill, etc, but I was having a general anaesthetic (really bad break otherwise they'd not have done it when pregnant.) In the end the consultant told dp he needed to stay, and sadly for pils fil was too unwell to go anyway.

Stupid little things like this still really rankle still. It feels like mil doesn't see me as important.

I'm currently really agorophobic but working with an OT on exposure therapy. One of the things which feeds agrophobia is shame so I'm trying really hard to not be ashamed, but mil doesn't believe my agrophobia is real. I have an exaggerated freeze reflex where I literally freeze so hard that I fall over and I am carry a walking stick for this, recommend, but mil is disgusted by this. I'm working on getting well so hard and also on accepting and coexisting with the agrophobia.

It's really hard but I'm making progress

Dp wants to take Mil to Rome at the end of this month, and as it's important to her that DS comes I need to come as well, because I simply cannot be away from my twenty month old for five nights. I'm dreading this trip but understand it's something mil needs after her bereavement.

I also have limited annual leave and I'm trying to use it to write. Lots going on. I'm dreading this trip though

And yes, I know Rome is lovely.

Tell him he can go with his mum to Rome, but you and your toddler won't be. He came to France with you, so say you can travel if it's somewhere more child friendly, Rome would be difficult with a toddler. Suggest that you all go away, perhaps in this country to somewhere more child friendly, at a later date, so MIL can spend time with her grandson then.

And if you are having relationship counselling, then that would be a good time to bring up how unsupported you are feeling. I get that MIL is going through a tough time, but your DH needs to learn how to stand up to her. Yes, she might be disappointed, but if you suggest an alternative, she'll have that to look forward to

Presumably you would have gone without him and didn't guilt-trip him into coming along. And your mum might actually have enjoyed some mother-and-daughter time. Also, curious if your mum's location is one that would have made a trip enticing to your "D"P no matter what? That would make her the pretext rather than motive for his going.

I'm totally being framed as the horrible person who's taking away mil's holiday if I don't go though, and dp has said he won't go without ds.

Would he take DS without you? He can want him there all he likes but would he actually be prepared to do the parenting on his own with MIL?

I ask because if the answer is yes then things are slightly more complicated.

If it's a no, then we are back with the simple issue that he's an arse.

Sounds like DP doesn't want to spend 1-2-1 time with his mum and is using DS as a buffer / focal point.

I don't think this is concerning at all and doesn't need explaining. Completely normal not to want 5 nights away from your baby.

1. Someone who is agoraphobic is unlikely to enjoy a trip to another city.
2. Your ds as a child will not enjoy or care about Rome.

You need to say these two things very clearly over and over along with the statement that you and ds will be staying at home and you hope your dp and mil have a great time.

My.mum lives abroad. It's her home so the only way to see her. Mil lives three miles from us.

You have a massive DP problem, @theotherfossilsister. He needs to stop being a total drip and stand up for you. Of course he can take his mother to Rome, no issue with that, but it feels very manipulative of her to say DS must come and therefore you have to too. He's 20 months - he won't give a shit about the Colosseum!

Are you sure they haven't cooked up this plan between them to 'shock' you out of your agoraphobia?

Sounds like a DP problem.
And why do Mil and DP want to go to Rome specifically and take a baby? If they want to take the baby, then there are plenty of other places which are more baby friendly ( although of course Roman families manage fine).
But it sounds as if you also have issues which would be exacerbated travelling anywhere at the moment, I can’t see that you would enjoy any trip right now.
DP and his mum will just have to compromise- they can go to Rome but not with you and the baby. Obviously such a young baby shouldn’t be separated from you for that amount of time unnecessarily.
If you want a compromise suggestion, I think Berlin would be easier for you to manage, it’s much less busy.

He has offered to. I just feel like ds needs me at the moment emotionally, and I can't leave him.for so long, but yes it is more complicated I guess.

I don't think so, although dp does refer to it as extreme exposure therapy.

I think there’s a few different issues at play here but the main one that jumps out is that it doesn’t sound like there’s anything wrong with MIL at all, and I don’t think it’s MIL who see’s you as unimportant, your problem is your partner.

With regards to the Rome trip though I think if he is prepared to go with MIL and his child then he should be able to do that. For everybody saying a 20 month old won’t “enjoy” Rome, 20 month old’s don’t “enjoy” lots of things but that doesn’t mean that we don’t take them to do these things and they can still have a lovely time splashing in fountains, playing in parks, eating ice creams and spending time with parents/grandparents.

If you can bear it I’d let them take the child to Rome without you and discover for themselves what a shit idea it was. You can stay home and work on your own goals.

Thank you. I suggested Dorset as we've been there before but apparently mil only wants to go to Rome.

Hope the relationship counselling goes well today and perhaps use this thread to show your DH that he really is being unreasonable . I get that he has lost his Dad and he and his Mum are grieving but you lost your own father too , had significant surgery, a traumatic start to your child’s life AND have become a new mum so its no wonder you are mentally struggling . Going on holiday with a baby is tough and going to an incredibly busy city like Rome is utter madness .

This is the stumbling block and where I am perhaps being selfish. I don't want to go to Rome but equally I don't want to be away from ds for five nights. I guess going to Rome is easier than being without him.

Would he take DS without you? He can want him there all he likes but would he actually be prepared to do the parenting on his own with MIL?
I ask because if the answer is yes then things are slightly more complicated.

I just feel like ds needs me at the moment emotionally, and I can't leave him.for so long, but yes it is more complicated I guess.

I totally agree with you that DS needs you and that you shouldn't be blackmailed into agreeing to either going to Rome with a 20 month old or having him taken away from you for nearly a week. On account of not ''disappointing'' a grown woman

Who does this to their spouse?!
Who lets them ?!! (the MIL)
This is awful.

Your DP is still an arse, but it looks
like you are also attributing emotions to DS that are your issues, and being a bit difficult.

Let him take DS and just get on with a break for you.

Your dh sounds like complete melt

The Rome trip is a red herring really as there is absolutely no reason your DP cannot go with his mum?

You don't need to go. Nor does your toddler. I'd say Rome with a 20 month old would only be pleasant if you were absolutely committed to going and really wanted this trip.

How did you manage to make the trip to France with your agoraphobia? It seems that they'll use the argument "well she made it to France so why can't she make it to Rome" (I know that visiting your mum's home is France is completely different to a city break in Rome but it sounds like this is the logic they'll be using)

I guess you need to point out to your (rather obtuse) DP why Rome is too much for you and why it is going to be so difficult for you.

Is she fixated on Rome because she's a Catholic and wants to light a candle (or whatever they do) for her DH? Regardless, I agree with the previous posters. Why is your DP a slave to his mother? It will only get worse now she's alone. You need to try being less meek although it's hard. Good luck

Thank you. I know maybe it's pathetic but I think I'd prefer to be on a city break that terrified me rather than be away from him. We are very attached and think such a big separation would be a huge shock to us both.

Mil's wants don't trump what's best for you or your toddler....
You need to stand firm. Mil isn't the toddler here stamping her feet and demanding things.

See I don’t think that is really okay. He is not just your child and there is no reason for him to miss out because you don’t want to go. You can absolutely decide not to go if you don’t want to but it’s not fair to put a block on them/him going.

I’m pretty gung ho about my DCs but would have not really wanted mine to go away for no real reason for five days at that age. I don’t think that’s unreasonable.