To not want to go to Rome with Mil

[theotherfossilsister]

Mil can be very nice. She is great with ds, but there is a lot of tension between us. Dp is an only child and his dad died in November. We went to stay with her for two weeks after this although we live in the same city. I understand why. It was a big trauma for her and dp. My own dad died when I was pregnant with ds which was also hard, but I was very focused on the pregnancy then. I'm also one of four and lucky to have a brother who lives near my mum and supported her. I know it's harder for only children. My mum lives in France so it's a long way to go.

Mil and sadly fil to an extent massively overstepped when ds was born. He was in neonatal for a long stay and they'd turn up when they knew I had my breastfeeding support, and insist on coming in, so I had to go and sit in the pumping room while they held ds. Dp didn't stand up to me and I felt very vulnerable. Later I ended up in mother and baby unit.

There were other things too, like during my pregnancy I broke my arm and shoulder and could literally do nothing for myself but the week I had surgery for it they decided to go to Fils home town for two nights and take dp. They said it was very important dp went as his dad was ill, etc, but I was having a general anaesthetic (really bad break otherwise they'd not have done it when pregnant.) In the end the consultant told dp he needed to stay, and sadly for pils fil was too unwell to go anyway.

Stupid little things like this still really rankle still. It feels like mil doesn't see me as important.

I'm currently really agorophobic but working with an OT on exposure therapy. One of the things which feeds agrophobia is shame so I'm trying really hard to not be ashamed, but mil doesn't believe my agrophobia is real. I have an exaggerated freeze reflex where I literally freeze so hard that I fall over and I am carry a walking stick for this, recommend, but mil is disgusted by this. I'm working on getting well so hard and also on accepting and coexisting with the agrophobia.

It's really hard but I'm making progress

Dp wants to take Mil to Rome at the end of this month, and as it's important to her that DS comes I need to come as well, because I simply cannot be away from my twenty month old for five nights. I'm dreading this trip but understand it's something mil needs after her bereavement.

I also have limited annual leave and I'm trying to use it to write. Lots going on. I'm dreading this trip though

And yes, I know Rome is lovely.

I agree! Let MIL go to Rome, I say. Let her stay there!!

Do only Catholics go to Rome? Are only Catholics interested in Rome?
Perhaps MIL does want to visit the magnificent ancients sights and the amazing museums simply because of the immense cultural history underpinning much of western civilisation.
how on earth is York, albeit a beautiful city, comparable with Rome?
I agree, though, Rome in the late spring /summer is not a good idea.

A visit to OP's mother's home is completely different to a city break in a crowded busy city, no matter how much the Italians love babies. Stay firm on this OP, it's very selfish of your DH & MIL to insist on this.

It’s as simple as this: there is no reason why your H cannot take his mother to Rome - just the two of them.

This trip sounds like it’s designed to be difficult for you. Stand your ground and say no. When he guilt trips you, stay firm. Be positive about it as a trip for two. What a great chance for them to spend quality time together etc.

Rome is an expensive shithole. It's just one massive hot, dirty, unfriendly, expensive car park, and probably the most overrated tourist destination in the world.

He sees no value in going with just his Mom even though it's meant to be for his Mom and her grief? Nonsense. He doesn't want to have to put up with her by himself.

You have a DP problem. You were going in for surgery pregnant with his baby and HE was willing to swan off and leave you. You're agoraphobic and he's willing to try to emotionally blackmail you into going on a trip or bring away from your baby.

I'd hide yours and the baby's passport as a start and tell mil that you are very supportive of her and dh having some important bonding time together, that you think it will be really helpful for them to just focus on each other and fil / their grief at this time. Do not let him make you the bad guy

Be firm and say NO.
Hes using emotional blackmail op. So be it if they don't go because it's totally a bonkers idea and impractical for you and ds to go on a city break. Frankly your dp isn't thinking of you at all only pleasing his dominating selfish mother .

I'd say no, there's no way a toddler would be interested in Rome and as pp have said, it's no place for a buggy or a young child to walk around. Why does MIL want her grandson there, is she Catholic?

Your DP can take his mum to Rome and if he says he just won't go then that's HIS decision, not yours. It sounds like an absolute nightmare and your DP really isn't sticking up for you. You're vulnerable right now, and it seems his mum has no sensitivity whatsoever. Better you keep your distance.

I’m sorry, but your DH is fucking delulu thinking that forcing you to Rome under these circumstances is anything other than abusive. He wants you to go with a known trigger, accepting that his own behaviour is also a known trigger (and that he has no intention of changing it…) Your MH is not going to change unless HE changes his behaviour too. He knows that his mum is suggesting this because she doesn’t WANT you to come and she doesn’t WANT you to be relaxed and happy. She wants her son and her GS without you. Divisive witch.

Why is his mother treated like the queen?
Why not you?
Who is fighting in your corner?

No to going at all.
No to taking your DS.

This is all so unnecessarily stress-y.

Maybe start thinking of what YOU want, screw MIL and 'D'P.
If THEY want to go away, let them.

I bet with time away from the both of them, you'll feel more peaceful.

It sounds like all of you have had a LOT going on.

Both you and DP have lost parents quite recently. Whatever the circumstances, that's very traumatic and can take a long time to process. Dealing with the "left behind parent" as well can come with it's own set of issues.
With regard to your DP, it sounds like he's being pulled in all directions. Like you had a poorly neonate, so did he. When you lost a parent, so did he. And now he's got a quite needy mum, a partner with health issues, and a baby.

Yes, he should absolutely advocate for you. But it's just as likely that, as you've had problems lately, so has he.

I see every other poster has slammed him, but I can kind of see why he's being so useless.

Your DS is not MIL’s therapy support animal!
Your DH is pathetic, stopping you holding your son during lactation pumping help sessions! Who does that. Let him go on his own and DS stays with you.
I bet your MIL adds to your problems.

I think you’ll be really surprised at how quickly your mental health improves getting rid of that child of a husband and removing your MIL from your life. They both sound like twunts and you deserve so much better

Rome is hot, filled with pick pockets and definitely not a place to be lugging a Toddler about in.

Your husband and his mum can go alone.

Agoraphobia and Rome ? Probably not a good mix. Crowds and noise.

I wouldn’t fancy Rome with a 22 month old. It’s not buggy friendly and it’s bloody tiring. If she wasn’t such a twat, she’d have friends to go with.

Their twenties? Good Lord, mine have been going on city based holidays since they were babies. You do know most children in the world live in cities, right? Granted Rome is particularly and wonderfully chaotic and busy and stimulating but almost any child from 7 or 8 upwards would find a lot to love there. I went on a long weekend with my daughter a few years ago when she was 10 and it was brilliant, fun, educational and such an experience.

Rome is definitely not Buggy Friendly...take a look at Trip advisor. Stay home, @theotherfossilsister

https://www.tripadvisor.co.uk/ShowTopic-g187791-i22-k8857024-Exploring_Rome_with_a_toddler_in_a_pram_pushchair-Rome_Lazio.html

Most children live in city suburbs, not city centres.

What's important to her doesn't trump what's important to you, or your health.

Stay home with your baby. I live with agoraphobia and to go to new places I have to do lots to make it feel safe. Travelling with someone like your MIL would make this impossible.

Your husband and his mother sound awful. A toddler will not improve their holiday - this is a power play.

I think this is a good point, he also has a lot to deal with and is being stretched in lots of different directions. He is maybe not handling things the best but what is needed all round is maybe some peace and compassion and for everyone to take lots of deep breaths. Rome will still be there in a few years time when everyone is in a better place and the child at a better age.

Your son is too young

You are not in the right place for it

Your husband needs to grow a back bone

MIL needs to accept she cannot have everything her way all the time unless she wants a family that resents her.

Baby is 20 months old FFS Your partner should be advocating for you and the baby. Bereavement is sad (been there) but it doesn't trump everything.

this