To not want to go to Rome with Mil

[theotherfossilsister]

Mil can be very nice. She is great with ds, but there is a lot of tension between us. Dp is an only child and his dad died in November. We went to stay with her for two weeks after this although we live in the same city. I understand why. It was a big trauma for her and dp. My own dad died when I was pregnant with ds which was also hard, but I was very focused on the pregnancy then. I'm also one of four and lucky to have a brother who lives near my mum and supported her. I know it's harder for only children. My mum lives in France so it's a long way to go.

Mil and sadly fil to an extent massively overstepped when ds was born. He was in neonatal for a long stay and they'd turn up when they knew I had my breastfeeding support, and insist on coming in, so I had to go and sit in the pumping room while they held ds. Dp didn't stand up to me and I felt very vulnerable. Later I ended up in mother and baby unit.

There were other things too, like during my pregnancy I broke my arm and shoulder and could literally do nothing for myself but the week I had surgery for it they decided to go to Fils home town for two nights and take dp. They said it was very important dp went as his dad was ill, etc, but I was having a general anaesthetic (really bad break otherwise they'd not have done it when pregnant.) In the end the consultant told dp he needed to stay, and sadly for pils fil was too unwell to go anyway.

Stupid little things like this still really rankle still. It feels like mil doesn't see me as important.

I'm currently really agorophobic but working with an OT on exposure therapy. One of the things which feeds agrophobia is shame so I'm trying really hard to not be ashamed, but mil doesn't believe my agrophobia is real. I have an exaggerated freeze reflex where I literally freeze so hard that I fall over and I am carry a walking stick for this, recommend, but mil is disgusted by this. I'm working on getting well so hard and also on accepting and coexisting with the agrophobia.

It's really hard but I'm making progress

Dp wants to take Mil to Rome at the end of this month, and as it's important to her that DS comes I need to come as well, because I simply cannot be away from my twenty month old for five nights. I'm dreading this trip but understand it's something mil needs after her bereavement.

I also have limited annual leave and I'm trying to use it to write. Lots going on. I'm dreading this trip though

And yes, I know Rome is lovely.

Sorry to use this cliché but you have a dp problem op. He seems to be firmly settling himself on the fence between you and your mil instead of being on your side.

The breast feeding clinic intrusion by your pils made me feel so angry for you. I think I would have asked a nurse to please throw them out if your partner wasn’t prepared to do it.

I hope your counsellor can make your dp see sense about Rome. I don’t understand why they are even considering it atm if you suffer from agoraphobia which is a horribly debilitating condition. It’s like asking someone with a seafood allergy out to lunch to eat lobster.

Btw, did you know that in some instances there are links between agoraphobia and controlling inter-personal relationships? Is your dp generally controlling? To summarise very broadly, sometimes (not saying this is the case here) offspring of controlling parents can become controlling themselves but in a more passive aggressive way?

Would reducing the number of days of the trip change your feelings about them taking DC @theotherfossilsister ?

You need to talk to your medical support for the agoraphobia about this trip. They will not want you to go if they don't feel that you are ready for it - as it will set you back.

And yeah a not quite 2 yr old will NOT find any of that pleasant. And if dh thinks an hour in the playground each day will solve the issue he does not know his child. How will he cope if you and ds are finding it difficult...probably waltz off with his mum chuntering is my guess.

Don't go OP. If that means DP won't go then it is HIM letting his mother down NOT YOU. As you are not stopping him from taking her - he is deciding not to do it. Sounds a bit like he is chucking a toddler tantrum to me...

Mum's house is rural for one thing. Another is I didn't have anyone judging me really for needing the stick for the freeze reflex. If I go to Rome mil will expect me to cope without it.

Absolutely not.
Even without the backstory of her past behaviour, your agrophobia needs to be dealt with and managed appropriately (as you clearly are doing) before you can even entertain the idea of this Rome trip & if spending that long away from DS is going to be troubling for your mental health (understand) then that’s tough luck.

MIL needs to understand that your health & wishes are equally important as hers.
If this trip is important to her she and your DP can go & maybe repeat with you and DS in a few years when you’re up to it, but for now it’s a hard no.

Add to all this the background and how lacking in support your DP has been I think it’s time to read him the riot act & if he can’t see your perspective then perhaps this relationship needs reconsidering.

You have relationship counselling. As pp suggested, that is the place to bring up your feels - the lack of support, the apparent enmeshed relationship between DP & MIL.

I also agree with pp who suggests you need your own counselling - to help with the agoraphobia and also your general anxiety.

You deserve to have your voice heard, your wishes taken account of. Please find a way to build the confidence to assert yourself.

Not much respect for mils here. She has lost her husband and wants support from family. The me me princess stuff is generational I think.

People saying DS should go to Rome - well is MIL used to toddlers, does DP spend days alone with DS, does he regularly get him off to sleep, entertain him arrange meals ??
Also mum not being around - will that unsettle him.
DCs can be a nightmare if away from home and not sleeping etc Poor child -send DH and MIL to Rome

Of course you shouldn't go. It's a ridiculous idea. DP csn take his mum solo and leave you and the baby at home. Neither yiu nor the baby would enjoy it under these circumstances and it would spoil it for everyone if you try.

Your line should be that clealy his mum needs his full support at the moment and you could only cope with Rome if you have his full support too so it's impossible for both you and MIL to go on the same trip. He and his mum should go and have a brilliant time and he can take you and DC in a few years time when DC is old enough

Hope you are okay, you are going through an awful lot at the moment!

Your dp and his mum should go. Rome would be a crap holiday both for and with a 20 month old.

I would be inclined to ask your DH why his needs and those of his mother are more important than those of you and your child. You need to stay home where you are more comfortable for your therapy etc and you do not (understandably) want to be away from your very young child for 5 days.

No need for drama or confrontation at all, just a calm discussion. If he wishes to disappoint his mother then that's on him. No reason at all mother and son cannot go and have a nice trip away by themselves, surely they would enjoy the quality time, talking about the husband/dad they have lost etc.

I agree, its a DP problem!

• Why does he want to take his mum to Rome? Is it a religious thing connected to his fathers death? Pilgrimage/spreading the ashes type thing? Or just a holiday? Who is paying for everyone to go???
• Other than an OT, what mental health support are you having for the agoraphobia? CBT, talking therapies, acupuncture, meds etc etc?
• Does the freezing and falling over happen when you are carrying the baby?
• I hope the counselling goes well, but given the info so far, the relationship doesn't sound good/stable at all.

Neither of you going is even easier

It's a holiday

I deliberately don't go out with him without the pram as I'm scared of it happening. This is my goal, to take my son out without the pram. To be normal.

I had a lot of help until he turned one then it was stopped as I was put nder adult team. I just want time to heal. I'm really struggling.

I'm confused as to how you could go to France when you can't go to Italy. If you are agoraphobic then surely going to France would be a nightmare?

Your husband sounds pretty useless to be honest and doesn't have your back. I think he should go to Italy without you and without the baby but would you be able to manage on your own with the baby at home?

My mum lives in France. It is a rural location. It was actually really hard though.

Op moved in with her dp to his mother’s house for a fortnight immediately after the bereavement despite them living in the same area. That doesn’t exactly sound like a couple who are neglecting their mother’s/mil’s needs.

Also, op was recently bereaved when her dad died during her pregnancy. That must have been traumatic for her.

There is absolutely nothing stopping the son from taking his mother to Rome and leaving the toddler behind with his mother. Op would still be supporting her mil by doing that and looking after her ds alone, and freeing up her partner to be with his mother.

Or is the case that mil wants to show off the baby to all of her relatives?

France is rural apparently.
Yes would you be able to cope with the baby alone with the freezing and falling? How do you manage when partner is out

Hi OP. I never comment but felt like I should on this one. As many people have said, clearly there is an issue with your DP not standing up for you (and maybe not believing the issues you are dealing with are serious).

That being said, Rome is a terrible choice for both you and your child. It is so busy at this time of year it can feel overwhelming regardless of agoraphobia. It’s also difficult to navigate with a toddler. Streets are not buggy friendly at all but equally too busy for a toddler to walk. And I’d love to know which playgrounds your DP is planning to take your child to as they are few and far between.

A diplomatic solution could be to suggest you go in September/October or next spring as a reward for working hard on your agoraphobia. You still need to address the underlying issue though, glad you’re going to couples therapy.

You need to stop focusing on your MiL here when your problem is your husband. Granted, she sounds demanding and uncaring of you, but you're not married to her, so the impact of that could be minimal if your husband was a decent man who stood up for you, prioritised you and cared about your himself. Instead he is basically doing what he pleases, and spending his time and energy where his nest is feathered best by his doting mum, rather than where he is needed by his wife. The trip is a symptom not the problem. You can go, you can not go, it's almost irrelevant in the context of the wider problem of being married to this man.

OP, Rome is a shit hole.

It is full of graffitti and maniacs and pickpockets.

I'm sorry but it is not 'lovely'.

And if you are agorophobic and need a stick to walk - how on earth you will get around with the crowds and the heat is beyond me.

I felt like I'd been hit by a bus after my trip to Rome, and vowed never ever to go again. A 2 year old is not going to enjoy any of it.

This is an utterly bonkers plan.

Things are complicated by the fact that dp visited my own mum with me last month in France

No one forced him to did he? Would you have been happy to go to your mum's house without DP?

This is supposed to be a holiday!? Mother in law won't compromise on location, husband won't compromise on son staying home...remind me why you have to be the sacrificial lamb here? Going to see your mother was a visit and completely different. Just say either the location changes or son stays with you.

No. Absolutely not.

Your DP is never going to stand up for you unfortunately.

Hard as it is, you're going to have to learn to say no yourself or this situation will only get worse as your DC gets older.