To not want to go to Rome with Mil

[theotherfossilsister]

Mil can be very nice. She is great with ds, but there is a lot of tension between us. Dp is an only child and his dad died in November. We went to stay with her for two weeks after this although we live in the same city. I understand why. It was a big trauma for her and dp. My own dad died when I was pregnant with ds which was also hard, but I was very focused on the pregnancy then. I'm also one of four and lucky to have a brother who lives near my mum and supported her. I know it's harder for only children. My mum lives in France so it's a long way to go.

Mil and sadly fil to an extent massively overstepped when ds was born. He was in neonatal for a long stay and they'd turn up when they knew I had my breastfeeding support, and insist on coming in, so I had to go and sit in the pumping room while they held ds. Dp didn't stand up to me and I felt very vulnerable. Later I ended up in mother and baby unit.

There were other things too, like during my pregnancy I broke my arm and shoulder and could literally do nothing for myself but the week I had surgery for it they decided to go to Fils home town for two nights and take dp. They said it was very important dp went as his dad was ill, etc, but I was having a general anaesthetic (really bad break otherwise they'd not have done it when pregnant.) In the end the consultant told dp he needed to stay, and sadly for pils fil was too unwell to go anyway.

Stupid little things like this still really rankle still. It feels like mil doesn't see me as important.

I'm currently really agorophobic but working with an OT on exposure therapy. One of the things which feeds agrophobia is shame so I'm trying really hard to not be ashamed, but mil doesn't believe my agrophobia is real. I have an exaggerated freeze reflex where I literally freeze so hard that I fall over and I am carry a walking stick for this, recommend, but mil is disgusted by this. I'm working on getting well so hard and also on accepting and coexisting with the agrophobia.

It's really hard but I'm making progress

Dp wants to take Mil to Rome at the end of this month, and as it's important to her that DS comes I need to come as well, because I simply cannot be away from my twenty month old for five nights. I'm dreading this trip but understand it's something mil needs after her bereavement.

I also have limited annual leave and I'm trying to use it to write. Lots going on. I'm dreading this trip though

And yes, I know Rome is lovely.

I think if you’re prepared to go to France with DH and DS, then in theory there’s no reason why you can’t travel to Rome, it sounds from the outside like if it’s something you want to do you’ll manage it, but if it’s something you don’t want to do, then suddenly it’s unmanageable, which then makes it a little unfair to refuse to allow DH to take DS with him on this holiday as a compromise.

I do think they’re mad for wanting to take a toddler on a city break personally and would go with that as a reason for ‘disappointing’ MIL, rather then putting all others barriers in the way (that you’ve proved aren’t barriers at all).

out of interest why did you all go to stay with MIL after you FIL died? Why would your DH not have gone to stay on his own? Seeing as you live so close to her?

Nope. Tell DH to go with his mum and have a lovely time while you and DS stay at home. There'll be plenty of time for selfies when DS is older. If DH won't tell her then you are going to have to dig your heels in and tell them both yourself - you don't want to go and your baby is staying with you until he's at least three (or whatever.)
As for the agoraphobia - I just wanted to say that I have claustrophobia but it's now under control. There was a time when I had a panic attack in Sainsbury's when I couldn't see the way out. The two are linked, I think, as I don't have ag but feel claustrophobic when up on the moors and miles from anywhere. But anyway, it took a long time but hypnosis helped me. I can now go on a plane (up to a couple of hours) without freaking out and in fact actually enjoy flying, and have even been on the Tube in London. So I'm saying it IS possible to get over your phobia - keep going and know that one day you will have a 'normal' life. Good luck.

Saga do good guided tours of Rome, will be perfect for MIL to meet some new friends.

You don't have to go if you don't want / feel unable, but YABU for refusing to allow DP to take DS if he wants to

If it helps, OP, late husband and myself took stepson and 1 year old to Rome. Waitress in hotel insisted on taking the golden haired baby to meet the whole kitchen staff. Young barman would come rushing over every time we went into the bar to coo over the baby. Every time we walked by reception, someone would ask if we needed anything for the baby. It was a family run, independent hotel 5 minutes from Colosseum.
In a restaurant, baby projectile vomited all over table and floor.....as they do! Staff rushed over and could not have been kinder and more helpful. Cloths to wipe down baby and stepson. Cleaned table and floor without a single mumble of reproach, and insisted on calling a taxi so stepson could take baby back to hotel to clean up properly.
And, in a very upmarket cafe, the elderly make staff took one look at baby in pram and refused to let us sit where we had chosen. Instead they move a few tables aside so we could sit near a radiator ( it was winter), and brought out an additional heater which they put next to baby, along with a little dish of ice cream!
All in all, baby was treated like a little precious princess in Rome. It was quite eyeopening.

I wish people would stop saying OP is being unreasonable for not letting DH take the baby on his own. She doesn't want to leave him and when most mums feel like that it's because they know how stressful it will be for their baby, it's not a selfish thing, quite the opposite. She's actually planning on putting herself through a hugely stressful holiday in order to avoid what she sees as the worst case scenario of her son being without her. So we need to take the option of ds going with dp off the table, it might work for you and your kids but it's clearly not an option here.

Rome is beyond 'extreme exposure therapy'! We went last October and it was VERY VERY busy, to the point that I grabbed onto my children's hands when trying to walk along a particular street. For someone who has agoraphobia, it's quite the wrong place for you to go.

Honestly, your DP is very unreasonable.

Yes, you visited your mum, but she was looking out for you.

This trip is totally unnecessary and is insane with agoraphobia and a clingy toddler.

Your DH needs to step up and just be on your team for a bit.

I agree with this. OP knows her young child needs her.

So they are deliberately forcing you! They have clearly discussed it. Honestly, if you go it and it traumatises you, it could put your recovery back years. Have you talked to your OT about it? Surely if they think you're not ready, you stay at home with your DS.

You absolutely need to bring up how you feel at your relationship session today, that said I do think it's a waste of time as your partner clearly couldn't give two shits about you. He doesn't have your back and is unlikely ever to, you need to process that and decide if it's something you can tolerate -I couldn't.
The Rome thing really isn't that big a deal, it's 5 days and your child isn't a baby, he'll cope just fine without you and will still be with a parent. On the flip side of this, you managed in France so you'd manage in Italy -take the stick and tell her to fuck off if she comments-you don't have to pander to her as your partner seems to. Stand up for yourself because the prince you chose to have a child with is never going to.

Email the counsellor before with your original post and say you feel bullied and find it difficult to advocate for yourself as your DP bullies you. The DP them doesn’t advocate for you and your wishes and respect to his MIL.

I would have a session with the counsellor on my own first - see above or a call and then meet with a counsellor

but the main thing is he does not respect your view and respect your wishes or thoughts

I mean do you even want to go on holiday with her at all? At the end of the day you are not obliged to go, just as your partner was not obliged to come to your mum's house. I can't think of anything worse than a holiday with my husband, a toddler and my mother in law. It sounds like hell.

Rome would be fine with a 20mo, we took ours at that age and all had a great time. But you don’t want to go and so you need to make yourself heard. However, if you can travel to France you can see why they think Rome is no different. But your problem isn’t MIL, it’s your DH not listening to you

Part of your job as a parent is to try and raise kids who can cope with being apart from you for short periods. Raising them to be independent adults. Given some of your posts I would worry that your issues are going to increasingly intrude into your child's growing up. Not to say there have not been other issues on all sides to work on.

He's also not just your kid and your wishes/needs do not automatically trump his father's.

Sounds like OPs mum lives abroad, so she wasn't going on holiday WITH her she was going to visit her mum and presumably allow her own mother to have some time with the baby.

MIL just wants a site seeing holiday, which is a different kettle of fish and can be done without OP and the baby being dragged along.

You say that "stupid little things like that really rankle still".
Perhaps you need to let them go now and move on.

I think the France trip is very different to the Rome trip if you are suffering from agoraphobia.

In the first instance, it’s a known location, there’s no uncertainty about what op will find there, she knows the route and the destination well and it’s rural, not a built up city thronging with holiday makers.

Second, the person waiting for her at the end of the journey is her mother, who knows her and loves her and the baby unconditionally. Op is not being judged harshly there.

Thirdly, once she arrives in France it’s presumably peaceful and calm, unlike Rome, which is a loud, crowded, sensory challenge on the best of days, never mind when you are trying to keep a toddler happy and you feel panicky and and judged by your mil and most importantly by your dp, who is meant to be on your team.

I don’t think they were stupid or little.

Your husband sounds like a wet weekend and absolutely useless. He needs to grow a backbone and set some boundaries with his mother. Your baby will not thank you for taking him to Rome. Your MIL needs to start standing on her own two feet.

This is all for your husband to step up and manage.

Your DS will not love Rome, I can't think of a worse place to take a toddler.
i loved Rome when I took my DC , but I saved it for when they were in their twenties.
suggest Butlins or centre parks as a suitable alternative

Rome is NOT lovely at the end of April. It is a major metropolis and still the capital of one of Europe's largest economies. It is grimy, large, walking is difficult and public transport is not easy at all. I say this as someone who has gone to Rome for the Vatican Museums (in early February) or obscure ancient sites (over the Christmas period).

Why does MIL need to go to Rome? Is she a Catholic? You need a friend who will sit DP down and tell her she can to go to York as a substitute for Rome. Plus why the need to take your child? Rome is totally inappropriate for a very young child. Might as well go to Berlin or LA or any other grimy faceless capital city.

Maybe MIL wants to go to Rome to see Rome? York and Rome are very different.

Your mil definitely wants your son there to make you go. She knows as a mother you won’t want to be separated from him for 5 days.

Also the fact that your husband doesn’t want to go unless your son dose makes me think he doesn’t want all the attention on him. Like someone else pointed out, he wants to use your son as a buffer. I bet mil is quite intense. From what you’ve said, she sounds like mine!

I am NC with her, I got fed up with all the emotional manipulation & catty remarks all the time. I & my kids are way happier, & I’m sure she is too. She gets him all to herself now & doesn’t have to look at the awful DIL or put up with the annoying grandkids! She has said in the past that the younger ones were too hyper or fussy with food. She rarely asked to see them.

Op don’t go! And tell your dh to grow a pair & be brave enough to spend time with his mother alone.

It's understandable your mil wants to go to Rome. It's understandable she wants to spend time with her grandchild. Why does she want to do these things simultaneously when it will be of zero benefit to you and ds? Infact potentially a detrimental to you both.

I do agree that if you DH is an engaged parent to ds that he should be able to take him though. If he has done bedtimes/bath times and doesn't 'need,' you all the time it could work. The question is whether they will want to take him without built in childcare (you).

It's awful having a difficult phobia and the symptoms/side effects do sound hard to cope with, however your son is getting older and you will soon be in a position where you may be compromising ds's experienced to protect yourself. I'm not saying that is now, 20, months is very young and I agree with pp that ds will get very little out of of the trip.