Me vs SiL - the most underwhelming of battles.

[Lwrenn]

Backstory & buckle up, it's a long one!
More wwyd than aibu but I'm confused af with this. Anyhow.

Bil is pretty awesome and so are his gorgeous wee boys. Bil and I have always had a close friendship. He not only is a terrific uncle to his birth related nephews but also adores my oldest dc. Also a lad.
When he met sil I was so happy, she was everything he wanted, she adores him, he adores her, they went on to have 2 perfect wee boys. Our boys all adore one another.
But after her last lad (they only want 2 kids, they were blessed) she was upset she'd never have "her girl" and wasn't exactly quietly hurt about it, instead more outwardly furious. She went from being very sweet to disappointed with most things and with that became passive aggression with everything. We were close, neither of us talk to MiL due to her being a deranged lunatic towards us, so we had some solidarity. We also babysat as often as they wanted, from newborn age until toddler age before sils parents moved closer to be on hand, so we see the boys less now but her parents are lovely and involved and its nice for them all. Now, last year I had my final baby and all the way through she kept saying I'd have another boy, I agreed, having had 3 already I just presumed that also. But I didn't, I had a girl.
She hasn't spoken to me, blocked dp from fb and when bil came to see his niece and sent a selfie she went apeshit at him, saying he was rubbing in her face the one thing she'd never had.
I said to him when she comes round she's a niece who will adore her and she can hopefully have some relationship with when she's ready. I left it at that.
I'm possibly being insensitive but I've struggled with baby loss and awful pregnancies etc, she had 2 wonderful pregnancies, no issues with conceiving, both pregnancies first month off pill, I think she's had it pretty good so I'm not begging her to accept my daughter, she can do one, my wee girl has all the love in the world, sil isn't hugely relevant to my 8 month old.

Now, here is where a problem has risen, I'm a sen mum with 2 (likely 3 but 2 diagnosed asd kiddos) and her youngest is showing neurospicy signs.
Not only am I sen mum, but I've worked with sen so I'm a good person to give support and a handhold whilst going through the process of getting a diagnosis and also little suggestions to help with things, so she's asked bil can i talk to her and go through things with her from visual aids and prompts, how to use social stories and fill out paperwork for her dc. All of which I'm happy to do, i have tons of books and other things here that would be useful to her. Plus, I'm not mad at seeing her, like I say - we were quite close.
But here is the thing, it's on the provision I don't even mention my daughter as she couldn't cope with it.
I'm not to even say her name, if my phone screen has her picture I'm to change it before going over to help her.

Because this is to help DN, I'll probably do it. Plus sen mum is a scary water to navigate alone at first, I feel I should comply to her rules and not upset her, but also, I feel like I'm shunning my own DD.
Like I say, it's not like she's lost a baby or is trying with no luck for another, she just didn't get the "daughter she envisaged".

Wise ones of mumsnet, wwyd?

Yeah no. Fuck no on all fronts.

aside from the fact it IS hard to accept you have a SEND child and you as a family should support each other as much as you can.

that there’s a faint possibility SILs rigidness on this could also be caused by some ND issues (faint possibility but valid point) and that she hasn’t got what she sees is the perfect family.

do absolutely fuck all until one of you grows a spine and tells SIL it’s not your fault DPs sperm just so happened to be an X not a Y.

it has been a year. An entire year and she’s still not over the fact your DPs left bollock popped out more X sperm than Y and you now have a daughter.

she needs to go and see a specialist therapist who can work through her grief of not having the daughter she wants and unpick exactly why that’s made her into an absolute plank about it.

This exactly

Agree with the pps that you can’t pander to SIL’s issues - she needs to understand how dysfunctionally she is behaving. And the idea of hiding a girl’s existence within the family is all kinds of messed up - girls and women have enough discrimination to deal with without this kind of insanity!

This has to be one of the wildest stories I've heard on MN 😂😂😂

You have made my day OP. I have an (adult) child with an alphabet soup of letters for ND (all professionally diagnosed). I had the great pleasure of using the term ‘neurospicy’ with them. The look I got was utterly priceless 🤣 along with ‘that’s not actually a thing’. I responded ‘it is now’, and by golly it’s going to some get great mileage in our house😁.

OP, you sound awesome.

I have an entitled, immature, selfish, middle age SIL who thinks the world revolves around her. My PIL pussy foot around her and say things like "it's what SIL wants" when we push back on unreasonable behaviour.

Over the years I have learned to say a flat NO to anything she wants. I am the only person who does this in the family. I do not give her an inch. In fact, I border on unreasonable. When it comes to my family, DH, me and my DC, she is well put in her place.

Do not indulge her at all. Tell her that she is being unreasonable, hurtful, and abusive to your DD, and that she can FUCK OFF.

Says the poster with ‘naice’ in her name.

(haven’t read the full thread if anyone else has pointed this out).

Is she possibly ND herself? I only ask as I have a friend who I strongly suspect has autism, I've known her since we were 11 and while I can't say 100% I'd be surprised if she isn't. She has sons and was the same when her friend had a daughter- she really struggled and asked the friend not to share photos etca. She did come around quickly though but I think at the time she just couldn't comprehend that her feeling hurt didn't mean her friend wasn't allowed to feel pride in her daughter.

I think though that if I was you I'd stay back, send over your books etc, maybe write down some advice and leave it as that- it's not your issue to deal with, you can be empathetic without allowing her to be rude and hurtful to you and your child.

Just to add to the furore, I am ND and HATE the word neurospicy. I wouldn't dream of telling anyone else they can't use it though!

You are NBU OP, possibly to a fault. I agree with whoever said that your SIL needs to be told that her behaviour will inevitably drive a massive wedge through the family over time if she can't manage her jealousy. Your DD literally did not ask to be born and can't help existing.

Thank you so much to everyone who's replied and been kind about how I've worded things, it means the absolute world.

And I'm glad some of you have enjoyed "neurospicy" 🧠🌶😊

What TeaKitten said. Your sister in law can behave in this indulgent way if she wants to but that doesn't mean that you should fall at her feet.

Help directly to your brother in law and leave her to it.

Just say no. And leave it at that.

I agree that she's being ridiculously entitled and you shouldn't encourage it or accommodate it in any way.

There's no reason why it has to be her to fill in the paperwork etc - sit down with DBil to do it/ explain things.

My message would be a firm 'I have done nothing wrong. I will not be treated as if I have. I will not be emotionally blackmailed into pretending one of my children doesn't exist.'

End of.

Why do some people think the World revolves around them, honestly?

I agree. The fact that as bat$%t! as she's acting you still are trying to show kindness says everything about you.

I LOVE the way you write @Lwrenn - reminds me of Marian Keyes actually.

You may need to think about a future with less contact with BIL and his family. I have an aunt and uncle who were jealous of my parents and us, their kids. They have never let it go (lots has happened, too long a story). My parents big mistake was to "rise above it" not cut contact years ago. Worst affected was my brother. If this woman wants to erase a baby girl when she could easily try for another of her own, I'd run a mile. She isn't stable and your daughter will suffer..

Gender disappointment is hard, but generally can be moved past with time and maybe therapy. It’s sounds like she is unwilling to do this? It is no body’s fault that you got a girl and she didn’t, and it is incredibly unfair of her to treat you like she has, particularly all these months on after perhaps an initial pang. Now she wants your help on her terms- relationships are a two way street luvvy

Exactly. She could have a very close aunt relationship with her DN and get to experience a lot of the wonderful aspects that she thinks she is missing from not having a DD.

I wanted 4 children but unfortunately I became unwell after no.2 and we couldn't have any more. I feel lucky to have my 2 but also I have never stopped feeling sad about the 2 more I thought we would have! So I do understand her feelings a little perhaps. But unless there is a reason she can't have another, I think she needs to decide whether she cares enough to try again or whether she's going to try and get past this. She may need professional help. I am neurospicy with 2 neurospicy children and having help from friends is great. But I would never put conditions on it! You are doing her a favour! I would write a little advice to your BIL and leave it at that x x

I like neurospicy.

Sums my DS up, I have described him in the past as a strange mixture!

Love it too. ‘Neurodivergent’ suggests there is a right way to be and that a person has developed a different way… but it also implies we NDs are all the same. ‘Spicy’ draws on the spectrum, the many and varied idiosyncracies - and challenges - we each experience as individuals. My 2 kids are also neurospicy, and each has their own particular flavour!

I can't believe the people telling you how to talk! We are all neurospicy (ha!) in this household and I feel we have the right to speak about ourselves however we like. We aren't hurting anyone else. I would of course change my terms in the presence of someone who was ND if they found it upsetting. But I see it as describing unique traits really. Yes those traits can be hard to deal with but also make us who we are and can be celebrated too! X

I think the problem with "neurospicy" is when it is being used to describe someone else. It's one thing calling yourself that, but to describe someone as something other than their factual condition is a bit insulting. By all means keep calling your children that if they are fine with it, but don't use it to describe someone else.