Backstory & buckle up, it's a long one!
More wwyd than aibu but I'm confused af with this. Anyhow.
Bil is pretty awesome and so are his gorgeous wee boys. Bil and I have always had a close friendship. He not only is a terrific uncle to his birth related nephews but also adores my oldest dc. Also a lad.
When he met sil I was so happy, she was everything he wanted, she adores him, he adores her, they went on to have 2 perfect wee boys. Our boys all adore one another.
But after her last lad (they only want 2 kids, they were blessed) she was upset she'd never have "her girl" and wasn't exactly quietly hurt about it, instead more outwardly furious. She went from being very sweet to disappointed with most things and with that became passive aggression with everything. We were close, neither of us talk to MiL due to her being a deranged lunatic towards us, so we had some solidarity. We also babysat as often as they wanted, from newborn age until toddler age before sils parents moved closer to be on hand, so we see the boys less now but her parents are lovely and involved and its nice for them all. Now, last year I had my final baby and all the way through she kept saying I'd have another boy, I agreed, having had 3 already I just presumed that also. But I didn't, I had a girl.
She hasn't spoken to me, blocked dp from fb and when bil came to see his niece and sent a selfie she went apeshit at him, saying he was rubbing in her face the one thing she'd never had.
I said to him when she comes round she's a niece who will adore her and she can hopefully have some relationship with when she's ready. I left it at that.
I'm possibly being insensitive but I've struggled with baby loss and awful pregnancies etc, she had 2 wonderful pregnancies, no issues with conceiving, both pregnancies first month off pill, I think she's had it pretty good so I'm not begging her to accept my daughter, she can do one, my wee girl has all the love in the world, sil isn't hugely relevant to my 8 month old.
Now, here is where a problem has risen, I'm a sen mum with 2 (likely 3 but 2 diagnosed asd kiddos) and her youngest is showing neurospicy signs.
Not only am I sen mum, but I've worked with sen so I'm a good person to give support and a handhold whilst going through the process of getting a diagnosis and also little suggestions to help with things, so she's asked bil can i talk to her and go through things with her from visual aids and prompts, how to use social stories and fill out paperwork for her dc. All of which I'm happy to do, i have tons of books and other things here that would be useful to her. Plus, I'm not mad at seeing her, like I say - we were quite close.
But here is the thing, it's on the provision I don't even mention my daughter as she couldn't cope with it.
I'm not to even say her name, if my phone screen has her picture I'm to change it before going over to help her.
Because this is to help DN, I'll probably do it. Plus sen mum is a scary water to navigate alone at first, I feel I should comply to her rules and not upset her, but also, I feel like I'm shunning my own DD.
Like I say, it's not like she's lost a baby or is trying with no luck for another, she just didn't get the "daughter she envisaged".
Wise ones of mumsnet, wwyd?