Me vs SiL - the most underwhelming of battles.

[Lwrenn]

Backstory & buckle up, it's a long one!
More wwyd than aibu but I'm confused af with this. Anyhow.

Bil is pretty awesome and so are his gorgeous wee boys. Bil and I have always had a close friendship. He not only is a terrific uncle to his birth related nephews but also adores my oldest dc. Also a lad.
When he met sil I was so happy, she was everything he wanted, she adores him, he adores her, they went on to have 2 perfect wee boys. Our boys all adore one another.
But after her last lad (they only want 2 kids, they were blessed) she was upset she'd never have "her girl" and wasn't exactly quietly hurt about it, instead more outwardly furious. She went from being very sweet to disappointed with most things and with that became passive aggression with everything. We were close, neither of us talk to MiL due to her being a deranged lunatic towards us, so we had some solidarity. We also babysat as often as they wanted, from newborn age until toddler age before sils parents moved closer to be on hand, so we see the boys less now but her parents are lovely and involved and its nice for them all. Now, last year I had my final baby and all the way through she kept saying I'd have another boy, I agreed, having had 3 already I just presumed that also. But I didn't, I had a girl.
She hasn't spoken to me, blocked dp from fb and when bil came to see his niece and sent a selfie she went apeshit at him, saying he was rubbing in her face the one thing she'd never had.
I said to him when she comes round she's a niece who will adore her and she can hopefully have some relationship with when she's ready. I left it at that.
I'm possibly being insensitive but I've struggled with baby loss and awful pregnancies etc, she had 2 wonderful pregnancies, no issues with conceiving, both pregnancies first month off pill, I think she's had it pretty good so I'm not begging her to accept my daughter, she can do one, my wee girl has all the love in the world, sil isn't hugely relevant to my 8 month old.

Now, here is where a problem has risen, I'm a sen mum with 2 (likely 3 but 2 diagnosed asd kiddos) and her youngest is showing neurospicy signs.
Not only am I sen mum, but I've worked with sen so I'm a good person to give support and a handhold whilst going through the process of getting a diagnosis and also little suggestions to help with things, so she's asked bil can i talk to her and go through things with her from visual aids and prompts, how to use social stories and fill out paperwork for her dc. All of which I'm happy to do, i have tons of books and other things here that would be useful to her. Plus, I'm not mad at seeing her, like I say - we were quite close.
But here is the thing, it's on the provision I don't even mention my daughter as she couldn't cope with it.
I'm not to even say her name, if my phone screen has her picture I'm to change it before going over to help her.

Because this is to help DN, I'll probably do it. Plus sen mum is a scary water to navigate alone at first, I feel I should comply to her rules and not upset her, but also, I feel like I'm shunning my own DD.
Like I say, it's not like she's lost a baby or is trying with no luck for another, she just didn't get the "daughter she envisaged".

Wise ones of mumsnet, wwyd?

Is your DD on meds for ADHD? My understanding is that the right meds can literally be life-changing.

Also, are there are any funds available for private therapists, or were you looking for NHS only?

I was at a SEN meet today and talking to a parent about the difficulties they're experiencing with their 20yr old bright, autistic DS who's also convinced he always knows best 🤦🏻‍♀️ It is very hard once our children reach adulthood. I almost think it's "easier" for our children who have higher needs, as the path is clearer in many ways.

Good update OP, sounds as if your DH doesn't stand any nonsense! Hopefully you can go round there now with your DD and put all this behind you.

As for the issues with the DN - I think implementing better parenting techniques can only be a good thing. Myself, and every other SEN parent I know, had to jump through hoops first to prove that it wasn't our parenting that was causing the issues. In our county, parenting courses are offered first and then only if the problems persist will you be taken seriously.

It's a bit frustrating when you KNOW it's not your parenting, and it just delays things while you prove that's the case. However, I can see why it's necessary and it does weed out any other potential causes for the behaviour.

In the case of your BIL and SIL, if it turns out that DN does have SEN, they'll be one step ahead because they can demonstrate they've already tried the recommended parenting techniques. So it's a win/win - either he's just bored/frustrated in which case it should resolve, or if it is SEN, then the professionals will be more inclined to take them seriously as they've been proactive about trying to address the difficulties.

@SpidersAreShitheads yes, we’ve gone privately recently via the Oxford ADHD Centre. Working our way through the drugs (methylphenidate > dexamphetamine (both quite good but there is always soooomething she doesn’t like, usually picked up from the internet) > starting atomoxetine, poss with low dose of the dexy next week); been on quetiapine for a year and frankly that has just stabilised at her in ‘permanent shitty mood’, but we are finally coming off that now too. Keep hoping we’ll find the right one. Hoping the new meds are the magic formula. She is extraordinarily artistically gifted anf got 10 GCSEs, mainly 8s and 9s but has dropped out of 6th form twice and leaning into her autism/depression/‘I’m a retard’ so A levels/art diploma going down the loo along with all my personal savings… 🤦🏽‍♀️

@BusyMummy001 - ah gosh, that's all really hard. Such a difficult situation - the bloody internet is a blessing and a curse!!

It's such a tricky age anyway, and that's all just amplified when you chuck neurodivergence into the mix. And of course, your DD will have been right in the throes of all the lockdown/COVID woes - it's all bound to take its toll.

Sorry, sympathy doesn't really help you I know!

I haven't tried ADHD meds yet (but plan to when I get round to it lol!!) - but I understand that lots of them have unwanted side effects. It's just about finding the meds that are the most tolerable.... I know some people don't manage to find one that works for them without unbearable side effects, but others say their life has been transformed by finding the right combination. I really hope that the new ones work for your DD. I was reading something recently that said it can be trickier to find the right meds if you're AuDHD rather than just ADHD because the autism plays a role (they just don't know exactly what yet!) It's really positive she's willing to keep trying different meds, and that you're under a clinic that knows its stuff.

Does your DD have a career goal? Just wondering if she absolutely needs an art diploma to get into the field she wants. Even if she does, could she take a year out to regroup and focus on her mental health?

Could she sell her artwork on Etsy or whatever during the next year as something to focus on? Or do voluntary work in a related field? Just take a step away from academia, albeit temporarily, especially while she's trialling different meds.

I've heard DBT - as opposed to CBT - is supposed to work well for ND folk. Is that something you've looked into - might be helpful alongside trying the meds?

@SpidersAreShitheads So, purely out of curiosity, I have tried one of the meds and it was as though a fog lifted and/or my vision was suddenly clear. I’ve not been formally diagnosed, but I was informally told that I was AuDHD like both my kids by their clinical team who asked whether I’d like to book in for an official diagnosis so I can get assistance at uni (am a PhD student for my sins). At the time, I dismissed it as I’m a bit old, but the effect of the meds was so striking I am actually going to do it now I’ve tried them!!

DD is very uncertain what she wants to do - most of the time I think she wants to study animation/game art but she has a bee in her bonnet about her friends/school peers all being at Russell Group Unis. I think she has low self esteem and pretty much hates herself - and her autistic self - so really needs therapy. But we’ve hit every wall in the NHS with regard getting that. We’re now on a waitlist at the private clinic in the hope that they might be able to reach her. She is crapping her life away (up all night, sleeps all day, down’t eat properly, never goes outside - real depression) and I’ve no idea how to scaffold her into a position where she can try to be happy. We’d be over the moon if she was a game artist or her name appeared on the credits of an indie animation - we couldn’t give a shit what uni, or no uni at all. Don’t care when, just so long as we are moving in that direction.

Am so mad that CAMHS/NHS has offered eff all, referred her to the Tavistick when she was 13 and then just left her to stew without any therapy or input because - obviously - the Tavi would sort it all out wouldn’t they? Even our MP intervened to get her seen after 3 years of waiting for at least an initial assessment, but she’s been seen a few times a year since then. Early intervention and therapy support from the start might have helped. But I’ve been reading about DBT and will see if Oxford ADHD offer that now!

Sorry, @Lwrenn guilty of hijacking your thread!!

Goodness, be wise. She isn't Ok. I know how she feels not having a daughter it's disappointing but she is blessed to have children! There are 100s of parents trying to conceive and one day she will be grateful and accept the hand life has given her. Plus she does have options now with technology