Me vs SiL - the most underwhelming of battles.

[Lwrenn]

Backstory & buckle up, it's a long one!
More wwyd than aibu but I'm confused af with this. Anyhow.

Bil is pretty awesome and so are his gorgeous wee boys. Bil and I have always had a close friendship. He not only is a terrific uncle to his birth related nephews but also adores my oldest dc. Also a lad.
When he met sil I was so happy, she was everything he wanted, she adores him, he adores her, they went on to have 2 perfect wee boys. Our boys all adore one another.
But after her last lad (they only want 2 kids, they were blessed) she was upset she'd never have "her girl" and wasn't exactly quietly hurt about it, instead more outwardly furious. She went from being very sweet to disappointed with most things and with that became passive aggression with everything. We were close, neither of us talk to MiL due to her being a deranged lunatic towards us, so we had some solidarity. We also babysat as often as they wanted, from newborn age until toddler age before sils parents moved closer to be on hand, so we see the boys less now but her parents are lovely and involved and its nice for them all. Now, last year I had my final baby and all the way through she kept saying I'd have another boy, I agreed, having had 3 already I just presumed that also. But I didn't, I had a girl.
She hasn't spoken to me, blocked dp from fb and when bil came to see his niece and sent a selfie she went apeshit at him, saying he was rubbing in her face the one thing she'd never had.
I said to him when she comes round she's a niece who will adore her and she can hopefully have some relationship with when she's ready. I left it at that.
I'm possibly being insensitive but I've struggled with baby loss and awful pregnancies etc, she had 2 wonderful pregnancies, no issues with conceiving, both pregnancies first month off pill, I think she's had it pretty good so I'm not begging her to accept my daughter, she can do one, my wee girl has all the love in the world, sil isn't hugely relevant to my 8 month old.

Now, here is where a problem has risen, I'm a sen mum with 2 (likely 3 but 2 diagnosed asd kiddos) and her youngest is showing neurospicy signs.
Not only am I sen mum, but I've worked with sen so I'm a good person to give support and a handhold whilst going through the process of getting a diagnosis and also little suggestions to help with things, so she's asked bil can i talk to her and go through things with her from visual aids and prompts, how to use social stories and fill out paperwork for her dc. All of which I'm happy to do, i have tons of books and other things here that would be useful to her. Plus, I'm not mad at seeing her, like I say - we were quite close.
But here is the thing, it's on the provision I don't even mention my daughter as she couldn't cope with it.
I'm not to even say her name, if my phone screen has her picture I'm to change it before going over to help her.

Because this is to help DN, I'll probably do it. Plus sen mum is a scary water to navigate alone at first, I feel I should comply to her rules and not upset her, but also, I feel like I'm shunning my own DD.
Like I say, it's not like she's lost a baby or is trying with no luck for another, she just didn't get the "daughter she envisaged".

Wise ones of mumsnet, wwyd?

Wow. I like your DP! Subtle as a brick sometimes works!

This is why people should seek help from professionals. Unless you're going to drip feed that your DH is an educational psychologist or doctor, being the father of children with SEN does not make him qualified to make judgements and tell others that their children's issues are due to poor parenting. I really thought we'd moved past the days of "he just needs a good smack".

They asked for advice from family members and were given advice. If they wanted advice from a licensed professional they are more than welcome to pay for it.

That's what I said. Get a diagnosis from professionals. Not from someone whose qualifications is dad-of-SEN-children.

But actually, if you read the OP, she says they wanted support and tips on how to support their child with his issues. They didn't ask for him to be diagnosed or for their concerns to be dismissed.

There aren't enough professionals around to spend time with every worried-well shit parent.

You don't need a qualification to suggest a bored badly fed kid could do with a better diet and some exercise and parental attention.

But you do need a qualification to say a child does not have SEN.

@HollyKnight supporting someone doesn't mean ignoring their mistakes or not raising your concerns though does it? They asked for help from family members with SEN children and that's what they got. If they want a professional diagnosis they can pay for it.

I think it would be a bit rich to ask someone for advice and then start going on about their lack of qualifications simply because you don't like what they have to say.

That is not the advice they asked for. They wanted help with the process of getting him assessed. They wanted help with supporting him. They did not ask for DH to come around to judge them and set them a list of activities to complete before he will consider supporting them.

Oh I see, so when someone asks someone else for a favour they get to dictate the full parameters of that help and under no circumstance must the person they have asked for help give any opinion on the matter?

There is no reason why he couldn't have listened to their concerns, then told them it will help during the process if they can show the experts that it's not related to his diet or lack of exercise. That they should keep a food diary, and a general diary about his behaviour, minimise screen times etc. This is supportive.

What he shouldn't have done is gone round there and got judgemental, angry, dismissive and authoritarian.

To be fair, when you're speaking to a person who wants everyone to pretend a baby doesn't exist as it hurts her feelings, you probably need to be quite blunt in your communication style to get yourself across.

Have you any idea how many parents are told that their ND children are just badly parented? The limited diets, the preference for junk food, the need for screens, the bouncing off the walls, is all dismissed as bad parenting when in fact those things can also be features of many people's ND profile. There are two children in that household, but only one of them is showing "neurospicy" traits. How come the other child doesn't have issues despite being badly parented too?

It's not a drip feed, he isn't a psychologist but he works directly implementing support plans and behaviour strategies for young people with autism.
He isn't there in a professional capacity though, he's there as someone who cares about his nephew.

He'd have given all the support imaginable to help them regulate their asd child but they were saying their dc is behaving similarly like ours did - he wasn't, he was bored and full of sugar. Maybe before we get kids on pathways we need to actually look at our parenting techniques?

Youre literally being arsey over a non event here, nobody labeled dn as naughty, nobody suggested smacking him, if we can't say objectively, maybe give children less sugar and let them run off steam before we diagnose them then society is absolutely fucked and children who do have ND will be lumped in with NT kids who are just wild, when that's not productive for anyone.

@HollyKnight the older one is really quiet. He wants to game. He'd be happy to never see the light of day again if he had crisps and robux.

But neither child are smearing/chewing shirts/stimming/violent/non verbal/being flagged at school as problematic.

Conversely have you any idea how many parents genuinely are sloppy and looking for an excuse?

Absolutely not , I’d be saying you are here but until she accepts her daughter is there and stops acting like a selfish child and gives you respect you deserve there won’t be a relationship . She sounds batshit .

I'd much rather children be assessed and told they are not ND, than have ND children not be assessed because their uncle said they're NT.

And therein lies the reason why so many autistic kids cannot get diagnosed because of long waiting lists.

Picky with food fine but how do you know your young child likes coke? Give me a break. There are red flags right there.

What do you mean? Is "smearing/chewing shirts/stimming/violent/non verbal/being flagged at school as problematic" how you are determining who is ND and who isn't?

Your nephew isn't at school yet, so school won't have flagged anything, plus a lot of issues don't become apparent until children are in those types of settings because they're being exposed to overwhelming situations and expectations.

Does your DH know of organisations that might support older AuDHD teens (18)? Very bright, thinks she knows everything, but hitting our head against a wall trying to get support that might actually reach her and help her stop being the self sabotaging herself? Happy to PM?

Wow.

No, that's what my dc does, we were told their dc was exhibiting the same behaviours. He isn't, he's showing entirely different ones.

It will massively depend where you're based as to local organisations and in truth we've found adhd services lacking in general, especially for her age, no wonder you're going mad with it.
Have you posted in the group for sen parents? Maybe someone local knows a gem of a place? I'm guessing cahms have been shit x

Ask the wonderful ladies of Ladders of Life in Liverpool. They really helped me & might be able to signpost you to other organisations.

Thanks - am on the surrey/hants border. Camhs were beyond shit and the adult community team are possibly even more useless. I despair, frankly.