DS’s friend damaged toy & hid it

[Snowstorming]

Just looking for advice on how to deal with this situation as I know kids are kids and I don’t want to make any child feel attacked or scared, but I also want to learn from what’s happened today

so my DS8 got a brand new gift today, roughly £18 toy from Smyths. Definitely a one off treat as I am really strapped for cash and can’t afford big treats regularly.

we came home as DS had a play date at our home with some friends. I stupidly left the toy out on the kitchen top. I now realise I should have taken responsibility and packed it away. However, the play date was due to take place in the garden, not home (think of a bunch of young lads just playing in the front garden with some snacks, all live locally like on the same road and same neighbourhood so no need to come inside really as their homes were closeby).

one of DSs friends went inside with my younger DS who is only 5 and convinced DS5 to tell them where some scissors are, then tried to open the new toy. They ended up cutting through the toy’s wiring and it no longer works. It’s never been used, brand new.

i didn’t know about this until DS8 noticed his toy was open on the table and the packaging all over the place, and saw the broken wire. DS5 admitted what happened and was adamant that DS friend cut it and then ran out of the house.

while this was happening, I was supervising outside and clearly missed them going into the house (it was a span of a few minutes as I clearly remember seeing them come outside and reminding them to play outside rather than go inside).

I don’t know what to do next. I will probably see DS8’s friend tomorrow as they live down the road from us and play together regularly although some of his behaviour has put me off previously (eg lying, inappropriate remarks, swearing etc).

should I speak to the child? Should I just consider this a lesson on being more safe and organised in future?

what would you do?

Op I've read all the posts and there really are some batshit ones as usual, however , it does appear that your 5 yr old took the child into your house and to the toy, are you sure that 5 yr old hasn't asked older child to open it? Are you sure older child asked where scissors were or did 5 yr old just tell them. You didn't say if your younger child got a toy too, if not they could have been jealous and wanted to play with toy themselves. It does seem strange that with everyone else outside and being told inside was off limits that this child would just randomly go into the house with the 5 yr old unless it was 5 yr olds idea. Either way, I don't think you'll get anywhere with the parents, so might have to chalk this one up to experience. Hopefully you can fix it.

Agreed. He's 8 not 4 he's a brat.

' I assumed a bunch of 8-9 year olds would respect boundaries and kept the door closed '

that was the 1st mistake

' no my 5 year old did not “alert” me '

that was the 2nd mistake

the 3rd mistake was you not knowing where your 5 year old was

the 4th mistake was you not knowing where the 8 year old was

in future never ' assume ' anything, and lock the back door !

In my area we have kids on bikes that go from front yard to front yard, so I understand what you're saying. There is no arrangement that the kids are supervised. If that is the case with your area, and if you had shit going on indoors so you specifically said "no one inside today please", I really think you are perfectly entitled to approach the parents and explain that the kid went inside even after being told not to, that he climbed up and got scissors and decided to open a brand new toy that was on the bench, and has accidentally cut the wires, and could the parents please replace it.

Good luck.

Yeah I'd be marching with the toy to the parents and saying "yesterday when I was minding your child for you, he sneaked inside - despite being told not to go in- and has taken it upon himself to try to open a brand new toy in its packet with scissors he found and has snipped through the wiring. He's then come back out without saying anything. Luckily my inside camera caught it all on video. I'll need a replacement or £20 to replace it by Friday, thanks"...then turn on my heel, walk away, grab a gin and sit shaking in my kitchen ruminating on it all! Be brave - he's 8 and shouldn't be doing this.

I would too. But I would still be annoyed that they were inside, unsupervised and playing with scissors.

Show his parents the recording. I wouldn’t have this child anywhere near my family / house and I’d happily tell him and his parents why.

An 8 year old knows the difference between right and wrong.

Then you should be looking after your child and not allowing him to go to other people’s houses?The op told the children not to go into her house, the child disobeyed her. He was being deliberately disobedient.

No. Depends on the mistake. Missing the toilet seat isn’t something to shame for but purposefully destroying a toy needs a proper telling off. The child is 8, old enough to know. Yes he needs guidance on handling his feeling/need to be mean but should absolutely be told off. That child wouldn’t be coming into my house for a while. I’ve had the same rule for destructive children. Ironically it’s always the kids from neat, strict homes that are the worst behaved.

Firstly, you can film on your iwn property without the knowledge or consent of others.
Secondly, sometime I think I live in a parallel universe.No 8 year old I know would have tge brassneck to do this. Nobody I know restricts an 7 year olds access to scissors, or watches 8 year olds on a playmate all the time

I call bullshit!!

DS8 noticed his toy was open on the table

But the title of your thread says the child broke the toy and then HID IT!!?

I don’t think id be inviting the boy around again. And yes, I’d be feeling cross with him too (but also maybe wondering if my youngest child asked him to open it - either way, he shouldn’t have done it). Depending on the parents I might be tempted to ask them to ask him if he knows what happened to it. You must be very frustrated.

He uses gay as an insult?

No. I wouldn't allow this kid around mine.
That said in my case he'd be insulting me personally.

What do you say when he says these things?

The toy would annoy me, but the overall behaviour would be unacceptable.

This is probably a very old-fashioned view but do you really think this child is the sort of child you want associating with your child? He is dishonest and sly and seemingly had hit your son before. I can't see anything good at all coming out of this friendship and I wouldn't have him in the house. I mean what sort of 8 year old goes into a house when he's been told to stay out, rifles round to find scissors and starts to open up somebody else's new toy which he breaks and then keeps quiet about it? There's a whole level of behaviour here with the breaking of the toy being at the end of it. Who opens another child's new toy? I have sons and they were a handful at times but they would never have dreamt of doing this.

This boy is unlikely to improve with age and would be quite capable of getting into trouble and dragging your son into or blaming him for it. A boy rather like this one turned into the school drug dealer as young teenager.

As for the access to the scissors, if your child is such a brat that he goes where he's not supposed to and then looks for the items, it's hardly your problem that his behaviour is awful.

I would ask his parents to replace the toy. You might be out of luck though as there is likely a reason why the boy is a brat and it's his parents. (Yes, I know its not an invariable rule and lovely parents can have horror children.)

If my child broke a toy by accident, which this child clumsily did, I would want to know.
Bring it up at the next easy time and say that you and your son were disappointed and that you think it is only fair to tell his parents and that DS is owed an apology.

If Cutter is remorseful and apologises nicely, I would entertain the child again, with caution. If Cutter doesn't respond well, do not invite him again. He shows antisocial tendencies and is not a good friend.

Accept reimbursal for damaged toy if offered.
Otherwise, take the damaged toy to the Men's Shed and ask if they can fix it. Some handy people love a challenge.

Seeing as the boy has a difficult home life, I wouldn’t tell the parents. I would speak to the boy when he next comes over, if there is a next time. I do hope you manage to mend the wire.

Let me see if I understood this right... You had a 5 year old and an 8 year old, unsupervised, in your home, the 8 year old climbed onto a chair to grab scissors to cut something open... and all you're worried about is a damaged toy?

I can see so many disastrous alternative endings to this story that I would be thanking my lucky stars the only broken thing that day at your home was that toy...

Nah, after reading the backstory on this kid I wouldn't be happy with mine associating with a kid like that. The verbal aggression, the homophobic name-calling, the sneaking, the physical aggression, the slyness...no thanks.

If you read back on my messages I clearly state that I’m “just glad” nobody was hurt or worse and I’m really upset with myself that they managed to access scissors in the first place.

the scissors were on a high kitchen-top, in a pot, pushed very far back away from reach. Like I said the child had to put effort in to access the scissors, even though he is a relatively normal sized 8 year old. I also had not given anyone permission to enter my home as, like I said before, there was a LOT of clutter that they could have tripped over and hurt themselves on too.

I would be ensuring that kid is not at my home ever again and I would tell him and his mum why. “I’m sorry, but you won’t be having playdates here anymore as you snuck into the house, opened something that wasn’t yours and ruined it. You didn’t apologise or let us know, you just kept playing. I know it was you because you did this right in front of our camera.”

I call him out on it and have also told my children it is unacceptable in private at home so they know what he does is wrong, but I can’t control what the child says and I avoid ‘parenting’ other kids when they’re out in the neighbourhood playing unless they’re getting particularly abusive.

I remember when this child was younger, around 6, he would always say “so and so has a crush on her, he wants to kiss her, blah blah” and other silly remarks. I’ve also heard him swearing quite a lot although not in front of me if he knows I’m around.

It’s so funny you said that because this kid actually comes from a VERY neat and tidy home, pretty sure his mum is borderline OCD. He’s always extremely well dressed, neat and tidy, expensive cars and expensive clothes.

and on a side note for some other people that asked - DS5 had his own treat which he had already opened (it was smaller and more like an accessory than a toy to play with) and didn’t show any interest in DS8’s toy. I wasn’t privy to the conversation before they went in the house so not sure what DS5 might have said but the indoor footage didn’t show DS5 asking or pushing the friend to do anything.

DS5 is also a bit of a “follower” and I’ve noticed he does like to be “friends” with the older kids, think it makes him feel like part of a boys group or something! Need to work on this with him.

I would 100% be asking the child's parents to replace the toy - I would mention I had the nanny cam footage but not show them unless they asked, as that would feel a bit heavy handed to jump in with immediately unless (as many people here), they didn't believe that that was what has happened.

8 is old enough to know he shouldn't be doing things like that, even though he should have been supervised, but he knows it's not his toy and not allowed.

If he's not being given good boundaries at home, as some of your posts suggest, you may not get anywhere with asking, but it's still worth a try to get your DS8 his treat.

And if asking didn't get anywhere with the parents (including a proper apology from the child), then I would definitely not be encouraging that friendship in future, because it's not that likely to improve if he's not being asked to take responsibility for his actions.

Tell the parents, ask for a replacement and ban the child (based on his general ‘bully like’ behaviour)
why won’t you advocate for your child? What lesson are you teaching him that someone can come in to his domain and damage his only new toy for months and nothing gets done.

YABU TO make a big deal of this treat but then do nothing to get it sorted. Why should he have a damaged toy?