DS’s friend damaged toy & hid it

[Snowstorming]

Just looking for advice on how to deal with this situation as I know kids are kids and I don’t want to make any child feel attacked or scared, but I also want to learn from what’s happened today

so my DS8 got a brand new gift today, roughly £18 toy from Smyths. Definitely a one off treat as I am really strapped for cash and can’t afford big treats regularly.

we came home as DS had a play date at our home with some friends. I stupidly left the toy out on the kitchen top. I now realise I should have taken responsibility and packed it away. However, the play date was due to take place in the garden, not home (think of a bunch of young lads just playing in the front garden with some snacks, all live locally like on the same road and same neighbourhood so no need to come inside really as their homes were closeby).

one of DSs friends went inside with my younger DS who is only 5 and convinced DS5 to tell them where some scissors are, then tried to open the new toy. They ended up cutting through the toy’s wiring and it no longer works. It’s never been used, brand new.

i didn’t know about this until DS8 noticed his toy was open on the table and the packaging all over the place, and saw the broken wire. DS5 admitted what happened and was adamant that DS friend cut it and then ran out of the house.

while this was happening, I was supervising outside and clearly missed them going into the house (it was a span of a few minutes as I clearly remember seeing them come outside and reminding them to play outside rather than go inside).

I don’t know what to do next. I will probably see DS8’s friend tomorrow as they live down the road from us and play together regularly although some of his behaviour has put me off previously (eg lying, inappropriate remarks, swearing etc).

should I speak to the child? Should I just consider this a lesson on being more safe and organised in future?

what would you do?

While clearly the 8yo friend is at fault for breaking the toy, I would also not be thrilled as their parent to hear that he was a)being filmed in a friend's house and b) handling scissors unsupervised. On a play date I would expect the hosting parents to know where he was as well as what he was doing.

That said he does sound like a frenemy more than a friend to your DS, and I would also be very upset about the toy and the boy's dishonesty. I would definitely be discouraging that friendship.

I really hope you can repair it.

Pretty unnerving that so many parents are treating their eight year olds like they're 3 or 4, "Oh, they're only kids" and "I'd be livid that my 8 year old was given scissors unsupervised" when the child went to lengths to secretly steal them. No wonder behaviour is increasingly poor in some kids when they aren't taught to take responsibility for their own actions. Plus, all the faux shock at the fault Op has a camera. She has that fact in a notice on her front door. I don't think she's interested in filming neighbours kids for nefarious purposes.

At 8? Really?

You asked me to humour you, ok here -

1. yes I did, and I clarified this is a regular occurrence among my neighbours and local kids

2. yes except for the time I went inside once to grab a plaster for a child that grazed their knees, I was outside for a good few hours

3. my garden is just a normal medium size garden with no grass, but the street is quiet and doesn’t have much cars zooming through so kids can play quite freely

4. some board games, colouring books, a friendship bracelet making kit (you’d be surprised at how popular this is lol) and just some general toys/books/etc

5. because I did not give permission or want any child to enter my house when there was dangerous clutter that could have caused a fall or damage to property etc

6. yes I do

7. I wasn’t questioned per se, I just clarified why I was so sure about what had happened and added detail as I went along in a few areas

8. no idea tbh

@Azandme I just knew some pious, condescending poster would come along to say this. "I'm guessing you have lower expectations for your children" - did that make you feel good inside? Get a grip.

It’s not acceptable, and I am quite confident DS would never dare do it, I am just pointing out that some kids would at that age, so I have no trouble believing OP.

And no, FWIW the parents weren’t present, most drop off at this age.

Yes - not to the letter but, eg, he is with my child in their room, playing Lego, or he is in the garden with my child playing football. I wouldn't have to be in ear shot of the conversation or refereeing or anything, but yes, I would expect to know where a kid was in my house and what they were doing especially as the responsible adult. Wouldn't you want this for your kid at someone else's house?

I'd just not allow that child in my house again and discourage your son from playing with him. It's ok to say I don't like you playing with x because his behaviour isn't very nice. If the child comes knocking I'd tell him you know he broke DSs new toy. Maybe he'll be ashamed and stay away!

@Snowstorming that's a massive last post, was that a clunky one on your phone?

I guess not!

You should tell the parents. You're not doing them/the kid any favours by keeping this to yourself.

If it was my child, I would want to know firstly so I could replace the toy and apologise on my child's behalf. I certainly wouldn't want your child going without due to my child's actions. But I would also want to know so I could address the behaviour with my child. Parents can't address the behaviour of their children when out of sight/in the care of others unless they're made aware of it. I would hope/expect that playdate hosts would make me aware of any really poor behaviour on my DC's part because, fun aside, one major function of playdates is to condition our children to behave like decent human beings even when we're not around to squish them and keep them in line. I always think it's a shame when parents go straight to "I'm never inviting him or her again" rather than talking to the offender's parents. Children are a work in progress, after all.

If this happened then I’d be pretty annoyed at my 8 yr old who would absolutely know better than to open and destroy someone else’s toy.

kids can be total dicks.

I’m really sorry and know how upsetting it is… but I would probably do nothing and leave it in lesson learned category…
at max I would probably mention it to the friend’s parents a la “what a sad story” and see if they offer to replace it… I probably wouldn’t have the courage to ask them myself to replace it
interested to see what others respond

Same

If the parents aren't that approachable there's unlikely much to be gained by speaking to them. I learned early particularly from one DN that everything needed to be hidden when they were coming round, if you wanted to keep it safe/it not to be eaten.

Lessons to learn -

1. Lock the door behind you if you don't want kids going in your house.
2. Keep a close eye on this boy from now on. As they live so near it may not be possible to keep your son away from him.
3. No 5 year old should be able to access scissors. In our house, they were kept out of sight in high cupboard along with crayons and anything else that could be used to scribble on walls!

Either don’t invite the child around again or tell their parents. Doing nothing is a shitty message to send your own child. For the sake of your own child you need to show that actions have consequences.

Really? That's what you both took from the entire thread - where the 5 yo confessed his part, and CCTV confirmed what he said?!!

I'm not sure what people are failing to grasp, I don't have one, but I know of at least 3 people in my family who have these cams up, and they are in the room where the dog is when they go out so they can make sure it's okay.. they are nothing new or fandango.. pretty much the norm now I'd say.

People put them in the rooms of their relatives when they are in a care home, or in their own homes if they are frail, or if there has been break ins at the property as an extra security measure, there are a multitude of reasons why people would have something like this, everyone on this thread acting like OP is some kind of pervert for having one in a room in her own home are either trolling on purpose or completely ignorant to the benefits of a system such as this.

I wonder if the same people have ring doorbells at home? It's the exact same principle, records, you can view it in real time and you can talk through them..

Hmm tricky one. We had a kid like this in our neighbourhood group when my dc were younger. He broke a number of things and was quite devious. I put it down to experience and monitored him when he was around as something would always happen. If this neighbour kid has a problematic family maybe cut a little slack as telling them won’t get you anywhere and may cause him more problems at home. I totally get being strapped for cash. Perhaps if you can’t mend the toy, you can put a pound or two aside each week until you can afford a new one. I would chalk this down to experience. There are difficult kids out there in the mix, quite often because they have horrible backgrounds.

Re the original point of the post - I would definitely want to know if my child had done this. However, if the parents are unfriendly and defensive you're probably better off leaving it.

I feel sad for your DS over the broken toy. Hope you can manage to fix it.

Five year olds making up a story like that? No way. He was clearly telling the truth.

do you enjoy being so petty?

does it bring purpose to your life?

I really hope you find some joy in healthier habits x

Being you have the nanny came evidence I'd tell the parents. It sounds like you didn't Ike this boy from incidents before. I am not one of these they are only children mums. Some kids you don't like. Don't have him over again.

Thank you for the useful advice, suggestions and comments. It’s been really enlightening and I feel like tomorrow I will be better at handling the situation, reassuring my DS8 and also ensuring the same things don’t happen again. So glad I posted here for advice (even with the petty posters in between!)

I actually know my 5yo very well (as I’m sure most parents do) and can almost immediately tell when he is actually fibbing or hiding something. Also we have a big policy in my home of ‘tell me everything, I may be upset or unhappy but I want you to tell me because it’s always better than hiding’ and also ‘no secrets, unless they are nice surprises’ so I don’t usually have incidents where my children hide things for very long (obviously this may change as they grow older haha!)

My 8 year old would be absolutely mortified if I supervised her and her friends at all times on a playdate just incase they had access to scissors or something. Checking in regularly and seeing what they're up to - yes. But they're 8, not 3, they don't, or shouldn't need constant watching to make sure they don't get hold of anything dangerous in a normal household and start destroying shit. If they were a couple of years younger then I think you could blame yourself but at 8, deliberately choosing a younger child to show you where scissors were and then cutting brand new packaging open - I am pretty sure most 8 year olds know that's not OK. Yes kids make mistakes but most mistakes are when they are being egged on by other kids or do something impulsively. Not deliberately and by themselves