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Original poster

DS’s friend damaged toy & hid it

449 replies

Snowstorming · 02/04/2024 21:27

Just looking for advice on how to deal with this situation as I know kids are kids and I don’t want to make any child feel attacked or scared, but I also want to learn from what’s happened today

so my DS8 got a brand new gift today, roughly £18 toy from Smyths. Definitely a one off treat as I am really strapped for cash and can’t afford big treats regularly.

we came home as DS had a play date at our home with some friends. I stupidly left the toy out on the kitchen top. I now realise I should have taken responsibility and packed it away. However, the play date was due to take place in the garden, not home (think of a bunch of young lads just playing in the front garden with some snacks, all live locally like on the same road and same neighbourhood so no need to come inside really as their homes were closeby).

one of DSs friends went inside with my younger DS who is only 5 and convinced DS5 to tell them where some scissors are, then tried to open the new toy. They ended up cutting through the toy’s wiring and it no longer works. It’s never been used, brand new.

i didn’t know about this until DS8 noticed his toy was open on the table and the packaging all over the place, and saw the broken wire. DS5 admitted what happened and was adamant that DS friend cut it and then ran out of the house.

while this was happening, I was supervising outside and clearly missed them going into the house (it was a span of a few minutes as I clearly remember seeing them come outside and reminding them to play outside rather than go inside).

I don’t know what to do next. I will probably see DS8’s friend tomorrow as they live down the road from us and play together regularly although some of his behaviour has put me off previously (eg lying, inappropriate remarks, swearing etc).

should I speak to the child? Should I just consider this a lesson on being more safe and organised in future?

what would you do?

OP posts:
Rosscameasdoody · 03/04/2024 11:23

ASighMadeOfStone · 03/04/2024 10:45

If you can't see the 3 (at least) versions of events, (including 2 in the same post from the OP herself) then it's not the people asking for clarification who are aren't understanding.

(She says in one post that her own child was inside with the other boy for the duration of damaging the toy, and in the paragraph either before or after that her own child left the other boy to it)

The nanny cam and CCTV both confirm the second version- the OP herself created the confusion by saying otherwise (and making the 5 year old "admit" to what had happened.

It's possible that the OP was confused, obviously. But the most logical explanation remains:

Together, 5 and 8 year old decide to go indoors to look at the toy the 5 year old didn't get.

8 year old offers to open up toy for 5 year old.

5 year old shows him where scissors are.

Toy is opened, and broken.

5 year old thinks shiiiit, I'm out of here and leaves

8 year old follows

Crime is discovered

Mum (understandably) goes ape, and questions own child (presumably before looking at nanny cam and CCTV)

5 year old panics and blames everything on 8 year old.

That the 8 year old broke the toy isn't in dispute. But it's a pretty big coincidence that the child who wanted the toy in the first place, went inside with the 8 year old, showed him where the scissors were to get at the toy is totally innocent.

It's 50-50 at best.

Show quote history

I didn’t see any real inconsistency either - maybe the wording was a bit confusing. OP said that her son was inside ‘with friend the whole time’ - I took that as her confirming her son wasn’t alone at any point, as by then posters were asking if she was sure he hadn’t done it. Which was when the CCTV was mentioned. And as I understood it OP checked the footage after the broken toy had been discovered and her son had admitted what had happened - confirming that her son had left during the unpacking of the toy but before it had been broken. I do think that what you’re suggesting is the most likely scenario though - borne out by the OP’s own description of how she had to talk DS5 out of wanting the same toy for himself. The intent was there.

DotAndCarryOne2 · 03/04/2024 11:28

Shinyandnew1 · 03/04/2024 11:01

how else would the 8 year old friend know that there was an unopened toy in the house and where to find the scissors to open it

Exactly. The kids were all in the garden, so the only way they would have known about the new toy in the house, is the 5 year old telling the older boy it was there at all.

OP didn’t say he knew about it. She clearly said it was left out on display in the kitchen, so they would have seen it when they went inside. Nothing to suggest that that was why they went inside. It may well have been, but it’s not made clear.

XelaM · 03/04/2024 11:29

GRex · 03/04/2024 11:06

If your girl doesn't have many toys, then absolutely you should steer her towards toys thay are both robust and suitable for playing with multiple other children. Again - lego, character toys, truck full of dinosaurs etc. NOT fragile toys that are suitable only for a single child playing.

Unless OP is Zoroastrian, she isn't giving gifts for her religion at all. That doesn't matter if the kids get presents at other times, but this poor kid had nothing since July. Then she encouraged a present that will easily break and can't be shown off to friends. It's just not fair to the boy. If his mate hadn't broken it, then he or the 5yo would have done within a week - and then what? Just no toys because then they are the "bad" kids?

Omg are this responses for real 😳people on Mumsnet are actually crazy.

Original poster
Snowstorming · 03/04/2024 11:32

sandyhappypeople · 03/04/2024 10:58

Oh come on OP, everything you’ve said up to this point has been really quite normal in my eyes, and I think you’ve been unfairly jumped on.

But this update changes everything, this has been instigated by your 5 year old who is disappointed/jealous because you wouldn’t let him have the same toy, he obviously wanted the 8 year old to open it so he could get a chance to play with it while everyone else was distracted.

how else would the 8 year old friend know that there was an unopened toy in the house and where to find the scissors to open it. In your description the 5 year old only ran out when the toy was broken, followed by the 8 year old, so that obviously wasn’t the intention, they just panicked when it happened.

IMO this has gone from malicious damage to the 8 year old wanting to help his younger ‘friend’, they shouldn’t have been in the house in the first place but if he was invited in by the 5 year old and fed a story about this toy, how was he to know he was in the wrong?

Show quote history

I have already spoken and to be quite frank giving my DS5 his own bollocking (!) for being involved, trust me on that. I’m not afraid of disciplining my own children and I find bad manners incredibly distasteful in anyone, child or adult. My child has been spoken to, given a suitable consequence etc. but I wanted to know how to approach a 3rd party kid.

As for everyone asking how did they even know there was a toy inside, DS8 was bursting with pride about it from the minute we walked home (and the other kids were out on the street, on their bikes, a few of them saw the pet/toy thing as my DS8 carried it all the way home lol. Even on the train he wouldn’t let go.

my DS5, just on a side note, is actually much easier to parent than my DS8. He wants to copy his brother, no doubt, in many things in fact, but he’s actually very easy to distract.

also when I say that he wanted the same toy, it was the same type of toy but a different pet (his was more traditionally boyish actually, think of dinosaur pets lol).

We spent literally an hour in the toy shop picking what they wanted and ensuring the overstimulation wasn’t an issue.

i can’t be arsed giving constant justifications for my own children, they’re wrong when they’re wrong but I won’t blame DS8 in this scenario. DS5 is a literal 5 year old.

i should add, the last time we had a play date, a 5 year old got overexcited and made a huge mess of toys (and paperwork which they managed to pull out from my bookshelf’s bottom door - another lesson learned lol!) and I didn’t “chase it up” because 5 year olds and 8 year olds are very different in my eyes.

I’m not asking for tips on how to crucify an 8 year old, I’m asking for straightforward advice on how to approach an issue where a child that was a guest cut up my child’s toy.

even if DS5 or ANY other child had asked him to, I don’t get why people don’t see that many 8 year olds would be like “no! That’s not mine!” Or even be too scared to get into a situation like that in the first place.

OP posts:
Original poster
Snowstorming · 03/04/2024 11:34

Gonnagetgoingreturnsagain · 03/04/2024 10:07

Are you an Atheist or do you celebrate any other holidays? If it's Hindu then maybe get a Diwali gift or late Holi gift (I see Holi was last month), if it's Muslim get an Ramadan or Eid gift (yes, I know both holidays are later in the year), if Passover then that's not yet.

You also don't have to celebrate Christmas to buy and give gifts at Christmas.

I don't think I'd want to go down the nanny cam route of accusing this child. If you don't like the child for other reasons then just don't invite him for playdates. Toys get broken all the time though and if it's new and unused then this gets put away in a secure place (preferably locked in this case), and come on, £20 is that much for you as a family?!

Edited
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firstly, what does religion have to do with gifts? If you can’t afford it, it doesn’t matter what religion you are, gifts don’t magically appear.

and secondly, yes, £20 is actually a lot of money for me right now. I’m glad that’s not the case for you though 👏🏽

OP posts:
pam290358 · 03/04/2024 11:35

GRex · 03/04/2024 11:06

If your girl doesn't have many toys, then absolutely you should steer her towards toys thay are both robust and suitable for playing with multiple other children. Again - lego, character toys, truck full of dinosaurs etc. NOT fragile toys that are suitable only for a single child playing.

Unless OP is Zoroastrian, she isn't giving gifts for her religion at all. That doesn't matter if the kids get presents at other times, but this poor kid had nothing since July. Then she encouraged a present that will easily break and can't be shown off to friends. It's just not fair to the boy. If his mate hadn't broken it, then he or the 5yo would have done within a week - and then what? Just no toys because then they are the "bad" kids?

People, here we have the winner of the prestigious ‘most batshit and irrelevant post of the thread’ award !!

Azandme · 03/04/2024 11:35

"Are you an Atheist or do you celebrate any other holidays? If it's Hindu then maybe get a Diwali gift or late Holi gift (I see Holi was last month), if it's Muslim get an Ramadan or Eid gift (yes, I know both holidays are later in the year), if Passover then that's not yet."

Couple of points. Which religion, or no religion - it doesn't really matter to the situation.

Also it is Ramadan now, and Eid al-Fitr will start around the 10th April.

Eid al-Adha is mid-June.

"You also don't have to celebrate Christmas to buy and give gifts at Christmas."

No, but equally, you don't have to give gifts at Christmas either.

Matronic6 · 03/04/2024 11:35

Gonnagetgoingreturnsagain · 03/04/2024 11:05

Yes, but other faiths will often either give gifts at Christmas if they want to, or they do it at Diwali or Eid or Hanukkah.

I recall speaking to a Muslim friend of mine (not strict, not observant) about what she did for Eid, and she told me, it was just like Christmas, they had Eid decorations and gave presents, "like you do at Christmas!" she told me. My Jewish friend said it was similar for her "We light the Menorah, have decorations and give small token gifts at Hanukkah", my Hindu friends say similar too "we decorate, have decorations and give gifts at Diwali".

I used to love seeing the Diwali street lights and decorations in Brick Lane when I worked in the next street to it, it really brightened up the dark winter nights. Yes, most of these festivals are a month or so before Christmas but they sort of tie in with it, so I think.

Show quote history

My point was for people that were criticising OP for not doing gifts at Christmas. Someone pointed out OP didn't celebrate it and another poster said that's lots of non Christians do something. I was pointing out that lots of people don't. OP's lack of participation in Christmas has nothing to do with her issue.

Soontobe60 · 03/04/2024 11:36

Snowstorming · 03/04/2024 09:51

He didn’t just ask, he insisted for this toy. It wasn’t my first choice and I had to spend 20 minutes convincing DS5 to choose something different as he wanted one too (but I don’t see the point of buying two of the same, I think it’s nicer to have different things so when they get bored they can swap).

Also it wasn’t the toy that a PP had posted, it was just similar. It wasn’t a fluffy white puppy lol.

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So the 5 year old really wanted the same toy, but you wouldnt get it for him? I suspect the 5 year old DID tell the 8 year old about the toy and got him in to help him open it! Sneaky sod 😂

Original poster
Snowstorming · 03/04/2024 11:38

Crunchymum · 03/04/2024 10:29

Have you NC for this OP? Why?

Aside from the fact I think there is (at the very least) a level of embellishment going on, you never really intended to speak to the "non vile but not very friendly" parents, so what else were you wanting people to advise?

I still can't get over the garden play date where kids go home for loo breaks and no treats at all at Christmas? I'm out !!

I wanted general advice, yes.

and nope, no Christmas treats because we’re not Christians. I know, what an shocker!

And also we are currently living paycheck to paycheck and have been for a while.

my child might get a bag of chocolate coins now and again but no proper toys in a long time, which is why this was special for him. Hope that helps!

OP posts:
Original poster
Snowstorming · 03/04/2024 11:40

Ramalangadingdong · 03/04/2024 10:28

The thread reads as genuine although there do appear to be inconsistencies. For example, most people would find it a bit strange that you think £18 is really a strain to find, given that you are having your place "fixed up", which takes a bit of money (?) - you have probably explained that (not that you really need to explain anything to us. It's just something I am confused about.)

I am also wondering what you find most disturbing about this: It feels as though it isn't really about the damaged toy but about the child who did the damage and I think that I would be worried about that too. His act was one of wanton destructiveness and one that seems to have been planned. Why does he behave like this? I don't think I'd want him around my kids either.

I’ve said many times by ‘fixed up’ I literally mean removing clutter, doing a huge reorganisation of my home and moving a lot of stuff around. It’s not a renovation or anything which costs money, it just costs me a shitload of time and manpower.

OP posts:
Azandme · 03/04/2024 11:40

Crunchymum · 03/04/2024 10:45

I did read the OP saying she isn't Christian and they don't celebrate.

Most people I know who don't celebrate still allow small gifts and partake in some festivities 😌

(I live in a very diverse / multi faith London Borough and this is my overall experience)

Edited
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"Most" isn't all, so by your own admission you know some people who don't celebrate at all at Christmas.

OP is like them. HTH.

Original poster
Snowstorming · 03/04/2024 11:41

Ihearyousingingdownthewire · 03/04/2024 10:42

What sort of a maniac would write their exact circumstances in a Mumsnet thread? No one. Some prick would dox you. Of course everyone changes details.

So could posters stop thinking they’re clever for phishing out these ‘inconsistencies’ and presenting them like it’s the denouement in a murder mystery?! 😂

It’s making you look like twats

THANK YOU. LITERALLY JUST THIS LOL. Thank you!!!!!

OP posts:
GRex · 03/04/2024 11:44

pam290358 · 03/04/2024 11:35

People, here we have the winner of the prestigious ‘most batshit and irrelevant post of the thread’ award !!

Show quote history

I was responding to a poster who seemed to think I suggested the issue was that it was a dog. I'm simply explaining that "buy crap, pay twice" is idiotic if OP has very little money; using money well on toys means kids have more to play with because they aren't all going in the bin after a week.

XelaM · 03/04/2024 11:45

Soontobe60 · 03/04/2024 11:36

So the 5 year old really wanted the same toy, but you wouldnt get it for him? I suspect the 5 year old DID tell the 8 year old about the toy and got him in to help him open it! Sneaky sod 😂

Show quote history

On what basis?!? There is literally ZERO apart from your crazy imagination to base this on. OP has the incident on camera. She knows what happened. Why is it so hard to believe?!?

housethatbuiltme · 03/04/2024 11:47

This is totally the type of lie a 5 year old tells.

You would have to be really gullible to go after another child based on this account as 'proof' of anything.

Your 5 year old thinks he is in trouble, he got scared so passed the blame. Standard part of development.

Original poster
Snowstorming · 03/04/2024 11:49

housethatbuiltme · 03/04/2024 11:47

This is totally the type of lie a 5 year old tells.

You would have to be really gullible to go after another child based on this account as 'proof' of anything.

Your 5 year old thinks he is in trouble, he got scared so passed the blame. Standard part of development.

Thank you, wise one

OP posts:
BetterWithPockets · 03/04/2024 11:49

Gosh, OP, you’re getting a hard time on here! As for the posters suggesting they’d be cross with you for letting their 8-y-o access scissors unsupervised — the children weren’t meant to be in the house! The OP can’t physically supervise the kids in the garden and those in the house at the same time… (And yes, I’m aware one of the two children in the house was her older DC.)
OP, I think if you’re not comfortable raising this with the parents, then you don’t really have an option other than to suck it up this time. I’d definitely be a bit wary of inviting the group around again though. And as you say, putting the toy away would have been best — but hindsight’s a brilliant thing. We’re all wise after the event…
I hope you get it fixed.

XelaM · 03/04/2024 11:51

housethatbuiltme · 03/04/2024 11:47

This is totally the type of lie a 5 year old tells.

You would have to be really gullible to go after another child based on this account as 'proof' of anything.

Your 5 year old thinks he is in trouble, he got scared so passed the blame. Standard part of development.

The incident is on CAMERA!!! There is no doubt as to what happened

Rosscameasdoody · 03/04/2024 11:51

GRex · 03/04/2024 11:44

I was responding to a poster who seemed to think I suggested the issue was that it was a dog. I'm simply explaining that "buy crap, pay twice" is idiotic if OP has very little money; using money well on toys means kids have more to play with because they aren't all going in the bin after a week.

Show quote history

Nothing to suggest the OP bought crap. I can’t think of many electrical toys that would stand up to a pair of scissors being taken to the wiring.

Original poster
Snowstorming · 03/04/2024 11:53

And I just want to add, like I said before, thank you for the genuinely kind remarks and advice.

people don’t understand that when money is already tight, every penny and pound matters.

and for those worried about me buying crap toys, my DC have some Legos and dolls and action figures from literally 7-8 years ago that still do the job.

if my DS8, who works hard and is generally a well-mannered and kind child, wants a bit of a crappy toy then so be it. It’s still better than some stupid slime or putty that would stain the sofas. Considering he has action figures still in your condition from his second birthday, I would say he’s quite fond of looking after his toys - and yes I know not all children are alike. DS8 also has his weaknesses (would sell me for a bar of chocolate in shiny wrapping paper lol) but that’s not the point in this situation.

OP posts:
Original poster
Snowstorming · 03/04/2024 11:54

Rosscameasdoody · 03/04/2024 11:51

Nothing to suggest the OP bought crap. I can’t think of many electrical toys that would stand up to a pair of scissors being taken to the wiring.

Show quote history

Honestly the friend used my kitchen scissors so I’m surprised the wiring wasn’t fully cut through. It’s dangling together still by one tiny thin wire lol. Many toys are crap and plastic tat, but when your child rarely gets treats like this then sometimes you’ve got to Compromise a bit! 😅

OP posts:
DotAndCarryOne2 · 03/04/2024 11:56

XelaM · 03/04/2024 11:51

The incident is on CAMERA!!! There is no doubt as to what happened

Show quote history

Yes, but when you’re looking for a reason to have a go, it’s much easier to base it on your own misunderstanding than to actually consider the facts !!

housethatbuiltme · 03/04/2024 11:56

XelaM · 03/04/2024 11:51

The incident is on CAMERA!!! There is no doubt as to what happened

Show quote history

Very interesting this 'proof' only materialized after everyone pointed out you can't take a 5 year olds word for it followed by OP saying 'I wouldn't lie about my kids' (classic defensiveness).

Rosscameasdoody · 03/04/2024 11:58

housethatbuiltme · 03/04/2024 11:56

Very interesting this 'proof' only materialized after everyone pointed out you can't take a 5 year olds word for it followed by OP saying 'I wouldn't lie about my kids' (classic defensiveness).

Show quote history

So……. OP is lying ?

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