DS’s friend damaged toy & hid it

[Snowstorming]

Just looking for advice on how to deal with this situation as I know kids are kids and I don’t want to make any child feel attacked or scared, but I also want to learn from what’s happened today

so my DS8 got a brand new gift today, roughly £18 toy from Smyths. Definitely a one off treat as I am really strapped for cash and can’t afford big treats regularly.

we came home as DS had a play date at our home with some friends. I stupidly left the toy out on the kitchen top. I now realise I should have taken responsibility and packed it away. However, the play date was due to take place in the garden, not home (think of a bunch of young lads just playing in the front garden with some snacks, all live locally like on the same road and same neighbourhood so no need to come inside really as their homes were closeby).

one of DSs friends went inside with my younger DS who is only 5 and convinced DS5 to tell them where some scissors are, then tried to open the new toy. They ended up cutting through the toy’s wiring and it no longer works. It’s never been used, brand new.

i didn’t know about this until DS8 noticed his toy was open on the table and the packaging all over the place, and saw the broken wire. DS5 admitted what happened and was adamant that DS friend cut it and then ran out of the house.

while this was happening, I was supervising outside and clearly missed them going into the house (it was a span of a few minutes as I clearly remember seeing them come outside and reminding them to play outside rather than go inside).

I don’t know what to do next. I will probably see DS8’s friend tomorrow as they live down the road from us and play together regularly although some of his behaviour has put me off previously (eg lying, inappropriate remarks, swearing etc).

should I speak to the child? Should I just consider this a lesson on being more safe and organised in future?

what would you do?

Where did OP say there was internal and external video all over the house ? She mentioned two places. A camera in the kitchen, and footage from the front garden. Did you ever stop to think that this could have been installed some time ago and OP’s circumstances have changed ? And she’s already explained that the cameras were installed as a result of an incident - so not sure what you mean by ‘perceived requirement’ or do you think only rich people have a need for surveillance ? For some of us it’s about safety, not protecting our assets !!

' and I had to spend 20 minutes convincing DS5 to choose something different as he wanted one too '

Oh dear ! talk about drip feeding, THAT puts a whole different slant on the whole episode !!!

Are you an Atheist or do you celebrate any other holidays? If it's Hindu then maybe get a Diwali gift or late Holi gift (I see Holi was last month), if it's Muslim get an Ramadan or Eid gift (yes, I know both holidays are later in the year), if Passover then that's not yet.

You also don't have to celebrate Christmas to buy and give gifts at Christmas.

I don't think I'd want to go down the nanny cam route of accusing this child. If you don't like the child for other reasons then just don't invite him for playdates. Toys get broken all the time though and if it's new and unused then this gets put away in a secure place (preferably locked in this case), and come on, £20 is that much for you as a family?!

I had to spend 20 minutes convincing DS5 to choose something different as he wanted one too

Riiight…

For shame @Snowstorming you came on AIBU and didn't provide all details in the first post! It doesn't matter whether the details are truly relevant or not, you are supposed to explain/expose every aspect of your life.

How else are some MNers supposed to get their fun if they aren't allowed to pick apart the irrelevant detail?

But seriously. The boy does sound like he has some behaviour problems. Who knows what causes it. Could be too little discipline at home or could be too much.

Encourage your DS to make other friends. If comment gets made then say he wasn't following the rule about staying out of the house and this rule is important for safety (work going on in the house).

I'm afraid the damage to the toy is something you will have to swallow.

I’ve read back through all the updates and I don’t see any inconsistencies. What I do see are many responses from OP as a result of totally unwarranted pile on about aspects of her posts that have absolutely no relevance, and a lot of assumptions being made that she’s said things she hasn’t - mostly as a result of posters not reading the full thread and instead relying on the misinformation in the most recent posts.

For example one poster absolutely berated OP for filming in her own home and asserted that she had internal and external video surveillance all over her house, when in fact OP had only mentioned two places - the kitchen and the front garden, as a result of a specific incident. As soon as the CCTV was mentioned I wondered how long it would take people to jump on it - one poster said she would be furious if her child were being filmed in someone elses’ home. It’s not illegal to install indoor CCTV in your own home as long as it’s respectful of privacy, so not installed in places like bathrooms and bedrooms. And OP said more than once that she has signs to indicate to visitors that there are cameras inside her home.

The inability to stick to facts and address the issues for which OP’s post never ceases to amaze me. Can’t decide whether it’s a reading and comprehension issue or a ‘keyboard warrior’ one.

Agree with hopsalong. Try to phase his kid out…
It was definitely his idea. Not your five year old.

Your DS8 was clearly talking about his new toy.
And this lad couldn’t resist. We had this “friend”

Mum said his mum was lovely, so she felt bad…
But after too many incidents, he was banned.

Given that there’s camera footage to support what happened, don’t think it puts a different slant on what actually happened, or absolves the older boy of blame, but it definitely speaks to the younger boys’ intentions up until he realised the toy was broken.

The thread reads as genuine although there do appear to be inconsistencies. For example, most people would find it a bit strange that you think £18 is really a strain to find, given that you are having your place "fixed up", which takes a bit of money (?) - you have probably explained that (not that you really need to explain anything to us. It's just something I am confused about.)

I am also wondering what you find most disturbing about this: It feels as though it isn't really about the damaged toy but about the child who did the damage and I think that I would be worried about that too. His act was one of wanton destructiveness and one that seems to have been planned. Why does he behave like this? I don't think I'd want him around my kids either.

Have you NC for this OP? Why?

Aside from the fact I think there is (at the very least) a level of embellishment going on, you never really intended to speak to the "non vile but not very friendly" parents, so what else were you wanting people to advise?

I still can't get over the garden play date where kids go home for loo breaks and no treats at all at Christmas? I'm out !!

🤯 ‘a little off’ to buy a boy an animal? What the fuck? Unless it’s a Dino or robot?!!

JFC. Absolutely horrified by this attitude.

Animals are only for girls, and dinosaurs and robots are only for boys, amiright @hangingonfordearlife1?

What would you think of a boy who wanted long hair or a pink T-shirt? Will it make him gay? 🤯 what about a boy playing with a baby doll? You afraid it will make him……….a good father?

Utterly shameful.

They don’t celebrate Christmas. As the OP said aaaaaaaaaaaages ago.

Be embarrassed.

What sort of a maniac would write their exact circumstances in a Mumsnet thread? No one. Some prick would dox you. Of course everyone changes details.

So could posters stop thinking they’re clever for phishing out these ‘inconsistencies’ and presenting them like it’s the denouement in a murder mystery?! 😂

It’s making you look like twats

Mumsnet is crazy 😱why is OP getting such a hard time? Are these all parents of kids who regularly destroy other kids' toys?

OP - in the real world you are of course not being unreasonable and well within your right to speak to this child and his parents to replace the toy he broke.

Did you forget to take your meds in the morning or you took too many?

I did read the OP saying she isn't Christian and they don't celebrate.

Most people I know who don't celebrate still allow small gifts and partake in some festivities 😌

(I live in a very diverse / multi faith London Borough and this is my overall experience)

If you can't see the 3 (at least) versions of events, (including 2 in the same post from the OP herself) then it's not the people asking for clarification who are aren't understanding.

(She says in one post that her own child was inside with the other boy for the duration of damaging the toy, and in the paragraph either before or after that her own child left the other boy to it)

The nanny cam and CCTV both confirm the second version- the OP herself created the confusion by saying otherwise (and making the 5 year old "admit" to what had happened.

It's possible that the OP was confused, obviously. But the most logical explanation remains:

Together, 5 and 8 year old decide to go indoors to look at the toy the 5 year old didn't get.

8 year old offers to open up toy for 5 year old.

5 year old shows him where scissors are.

Toy is opened, and broken.

5 year old thinks shiiiit, I'm out of here and leaves

8 year old follows

Crime is discovered

Mum (understandably) goes ape, and questions own child (presumably before looking at nanny cam and CCTV)

5 year old panics and blames everything on 8 year old.

That the 8 year old broke the toy isn't in dispute. But it's a pretty big coincidence that the child who wanted the toy in the first place, went inside with the 8 year old, showed him where the scissors were to get at the toy is totally innocent.

It's 50-50 at best.

I teach in a very diverse and multi faith school and lots of christian kids do not do anything nor receive any gifts at Christmas. It's very normal for non Christians not to acknowledge it in any way.

Because having 2 children, one 5 and one 8 and a garden and posting on a website with literally hundreds of thousands of members is so outing.

She isn't being asked about changing details. She's being asked about not keeping to the same details she's decided on.

Oh come on OP, everything you’ve said up to this point has been really quite normal in my eyes, and I think you’ve been unfairly jumped on.

But this update changes everything, this has been instigated by your 5 year old who is disappointed/jealous because you wouldn’t let him have the same toy, he obviously wanted the 8 year old to open it so he could get a chance to play with it while everyone else was distracted.

how else would the 8 year old friend know that there was an unopened toy in the house and where to find the scissors to open it. In your description the 5 year old only ran out when the toy was broken, followed by the 8 year old, so that obviously wasn’t the intention, they just panicked when it happened.

IMO this has gone from malicious damage to the 8 year old wanting to help his younger ‘friend’, they shouldn’t have been in the house in the first place but if he was invited in by the 5 year old and fed a story about this toy, how was he to know he was in the wrong?

how else would the 8 year old friend know that there was an unopened toy in the house and where to find the scissors to open it

Exactly. The kids were all in the garden, so the only way they would have known about the new toy in the house, is the 5 year old telling the older boy it was there at all.

I would show the parents the video.

Yes, but other faiths will often either give gifts at Christmas if they want to, or they do it at Diwali or Eid or Hanukkah.

I recall speaking to a Muslim friend of mine (not strict, not observant) about what she did for Eid, and she told me, it was just like Christmas, they had Eid decorations and gave presents, "like you do at Christmas!" she told me. My Jewish friend said it was similar for her "We light the Menorah, have decorations and give small token gifts at Hanukkah", my Hindu friends say similar too "we decorate, have decorations and give gifts at Diwali".

I used to love seeing the Diwali street lights and decorations in Brick Lane when I worked in the next street to it, it really brightened up the dark winter nights. Yes, most of these festivals are a month or so before Christmas but they sort of tie in with it, so I think.

If your girl doesn't have many toys, then absolutely you should steer her towards toys thay are both robust and suitable for playing with multiple other children. Again - lego, character toys, truck full of dinosaurs etc. NOT fragile toys that are suitable only for a single child playing.

Unless OP is Zoroastrian, she isn't giving gifts for her religion at all. That doesn't matter if the kids get presents at other times, but this poor kid had nothing since July. Then she encouraged a present that will easily break and can't be shown off to friends. It's just not fair to the boy. If his mate hadn't broken it, then he or the 5yo would have done within a week - and then what? Just no toys because then they are the "bad" kids?

I can't believe the responses on here. I don't think you did anything wrong OP. Nice of you to have the local kids round for a garden playdate.

The kid did a naughty thing. He saw a brand new toy, climbed up to get scissors, hacked it open and broke it. If my 8 year old did that, they'd be getting a bollocking and I'd be replacing the toy.