To not want child I don't know bunking in with us?

[Applecrumbleandcustatd]

We are going away soon to attend a wedding. Me, dh and our ds age 8. We are staying for a week as the wedding is quite far but in a great location so we decided to turn it into a holiday.

My sister and bil, and my sister's friend (I'll call her Judy) and Judy's dh and child, are also attending the wedding and will be staying in the same accommodation. It's a large B&B house with individual rooms/apartments.

I don't know Judy other than to say hello (this is relevant).

Dh and I booked our accommodation first, it's a one bed apartment with kitchen and sofa bed in the lounge for our son. We told my sister about it and she and her dh booked another of the apartments and decided to also make a few days of it too, fine.

Sister told Judy about the B&B and Judy then booked up the last room. Judy's room is only a double room rather than an apartment. My sister has told Judy that her dd can bunk in with us for the week and share the sofa bed with our ds. Also that Just can share our kitchen.

The dd is 12 or 13 afaik. We don't know Judy or the dd. I've spoken to Judy in passing but I've never even met the child.

I've said no but my sister is saying I'm being selfish as Judy hasn't got room and the dd will have to sleep on an airbed.

You think your sister wants you and her friend to become friends?

I think it's more likely to be she wants you to end up being childcare.

Kid bunks with you.

You end up looking after the kid.

Your sister and her friend enjoy child free evenings.

You don't mind do you, she's already sleeping in your place, we thought we'd go out...

I can hear it now.

@IncompleteSenten

Yes, I definitely agree with this one - free childcare for Judy!

Whilst you might put two teenies on a sofabed, I wouldn't recommend it for anyone older even a married couple! Tell your sister the sofabed is only designed for one and your apartment is meant for three people. I suspect you're only paying for occupancy for three anyway - and if your not, go with that.

So to have Judy's DD will cost you extra...

As for kitchen sharing - she's your sister's friend so should share hers.

Your sister is trying to come out as charitable at the expense of others.

Do you have Judy's number? I would want to speak to her direct to make 100% sure the message had got through. I would even consider changing accommodation, as I wouldn't want them thinking that you'll cave at the last minute.

What a nerve! I would be furious if somebody did this to me and my arrangement.
She can give up her own space if she's that keen.
Outrageous.

Sounds like your sister wants you to be the default babysitter so her and her friend can have a great time and do things together.

YANBU I have a 12 year old DS there is no way in hell she would ever agree to sharing a bed with someone she didn’t know. Equally no way I’d let her share a bed with a member of the opposite sex we all didn’t know. It’s got safeguarding concern all over it!

Who also don't know each other! This is the weirdest idea I have seen on MN in a long time.

This man is as likely to be a child molester as your own DH. Knowing a man does not make him safe (or a danger).

Don't get dragged into conversation about it explaining yourself. Just say you already made your decision and said no.

Use this incident as a way to change how you deal with her going forward.

No. You don't know the child, she doesn't know you. Also I can't imagine either of the kids being keen on sharing a bed.
I don't think there's a chance of an 8 year old and 13 year old being friends. Tell your sister to stop being ridiculous and she can share with her friends DD or DD can sleep on the airbed. It won't hurt for a few nights.

@Applecrumbleandcustatd I hope you say 'no' to both the bed AND the kitchen. you booked first and selected the accommodation you wanted. Your sister has absolutely NO right to offer it to her friend. She is a CF, so please stick to your guns and don't back down. It's not just about the wedding. You are making a week's holiday of it

The cheek of your sister to try put you in this position, you extended the break for a family holiday why on earth would you say yes…. It’s a ridiculous ask. Imagine how uncomfortable it would be for both kids. I’m sure your partner isn’t to keen either. Absolutely No, not your problem the neck of them to expect it. Not up to you to resolve

Just to add…..we are a family of 4 - son & daughter 5 years apart in age. They would never have shared a bed/sofa bed in all the years we’ve been on holiday, stayed in a hotel etc. it’s always been a requirement to get separate beds for them, maybe a pullout, z bed or whatever……
so no way in a million years would I expect 2 kids who’ve never met to share. Insanity!

Just say no, call Judy say it is not appropriate and you are not doing it, then leave it at that.

This!

Absolutely no strange teenagers sharing a bed.
There was a big long article either on the Guardian or the Times ( can't remember now)a few weeks ago about child abuse among children and it is more common that we would imagine. It was an eye opener for me.
You will have to stand strong on this one.

Gosh, this is quite a topic. I continue to agree with almost all the posters.

I do feel for you, it is horribly difficult when a family member takes it on themselves to decide what is the optimal outcome and you are the one being exploited and/or criticised - entirely unfairly. I think we all have family members like that (in some way or other). But in this case, please rest easy about it, it HAS to be no. Because of the child safeguarding concerns you are simply not able to do this. Nor to put your DH and DS in a potentially difficult position.

If it were an educational establishment it would simply not be allowed - there is no reflection on the adults or the children it is just a risk that cannot be taken. Teaching staff and those who work with children have to be DBS checked and further to this there are required assurances needed from them about their family members and those they live with - every year. You cannot leave an un-checked person without DBS with children for any time at all.

Obviously for families or actual friends (not sure about the precise definition of this) this does not apply. But this child is not a friend's child or a member of your family. The world is changed now, everyone is bound to behave in a responsible way around children. The responsible way for you is to say you cannot, in conscience, take part in your sister's plan.

However, she (your sister) could put up her friend's child, or swap accommodation to help her friend. It is the only fair thing to do ...

No aspersions are being cast on anyone. The family of the 13 year old need to do the right thing and leaving her with a strange family does not seem responsible - your sister, perhaps, should have considered this. The world, and the expectations regarding child safeguarding, are much more developed now.

I wouldn't even have some random popping in to use the fridge. What if you were in your towel after a shower etc etc. She can share your sister's kitchen.

Even if the children were friends of the same age, I wouldn't be keen on them sharing a sofa bed simply because those things are not really comfortable for more than one person and tend to squeak and shake every time one of you turns over so nobody would be getting much sleep!

12 year old will be fine on an airbed in her parents room!

I wholly agree. This is the best option.

Just say no!

Just say no and keep saying no if they push it. And then say no again. No wavering, no discussion. Just no

Might be a good idea to get Judy's number and let her know first hand that your sister's crackpot scheme is not happening. Otherwise you risk arriving at your accommodation to find Judy making the sofa bed up and helping herself to the complimentary tea and hob-nobs in your kitchen.

Absolutely not! I'm amazed they are wanting their teenage daughter to share a bed with a near strangers son too! And it's not a holiday if you can't relax! 100% no no no!