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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think it was a bit shit of my direct report to say this?

162 replies

SpeedbirdSquawker · 02/04/2024 12:34

I have recently started line managing a new person. My first time managing anyone and its going fine. As I will be busy in my role over the next few weeks, I scheduled a catch up with them today. They've been in their role for four weeks now, part time. I know starting a new role can be really overwhelming so I thought it would be a nice chance for a one on one check to see if they're OK and to discuss a few aspects of the future of the role as they will want to bring fresh ideas.

Well, one of the first things out of their mouth was, "its far too early to be doing this" (they meant a one to one/catch up). I replied that as I'll be busy over the next few months, I wanted to check of they were OK. Also they've been learning the new role. Lots of elements to it. I was just being nice!!! I was taken aback tbh. Am I being sensitive?

OP posts:
Bearbookagainandagain · 02/04/2024 20:31

I have one to one with my direct reports every week... New starter or not - if we don't need it we cancel but the placeholder is there.

DodoTired · 02/04/2024 21:08

THEY are being sensitive and weird. I have a scheduled 1-1 with my manager once a week.

Ihearyousingingdownthewire · 02/04/2024 21:25

It’s never too early. What an ill-thought out reply from them. I’d have shot that attitude right down.

Prometheus · 02/04/2024 21:31

Very strange response. In my company we catch up every two days with new starts for the first week, then twice a week for the next few weeks and after a month we move to weekly catch ups. We also have a weekly team meeting for the full team plus a mid week team huddle. All WFH so catch ups are literally a 30 minute Teams call. With that response I’d be worried they were hiding something.

UnNiddeRides · 02/04/2024 22:39

From your posts it seems that you sat with them daily to show them how to do their job & then debrief them daily just for the first week. What happened after week one?

It does also seem a bit early to discuss aspects of the future of the role for their fresh ideas when they’ve only been there a month. Maybe that’s what they meant?

Lanore · 02/04/2024 22:57

Was it a man? That’s an absolutely classic ‘power move’ in which a sexist junior man seeks to take control of a meeting a woman is in charge of.

Things somewhat depend on if it was said with a worried smile, or with an arrogant stare, but I’m guessing it was said with a firm confidence and that comment would not go down well with me at all. I would reply very firmly “I disagree.” Or “It’s for me to decide when’s appropriate for us to meet thank you.”

Let me guess, you apologised and left feeling insecure and doubting yourself? That was exactly what he intended to achieve.

The good news that is with this kind of man, if you convince them that they you won’t be bullied they tend to back off.

That said, keep a close eye on office politics as this type of man will usually try to go over your head in some way to build a relationship with the person he perceives as really in charge ie the next man above you. Happily though they usually end up looking like an idiot.

Use very assertive speech with this type of man. Never say “I think we should do xyz” just say “We are doing xyz” In particular make no apologies, he will see it as confirmation of his own superiority. Whenever he rubbishes your opinion or otherwise criticises you, simply say things like

  • ”I disagree.”
  • ”No. It’s time to do this now.”
  • ”That isn’t appropriate.”
  • ”You seem rather emotional, shall we discuss this later when you’re able to be more calm?”

Etc

Librarybooker · 02/04/2024 22:59

AliceOlive · 02/04/2024 18:31

Agreed. But I do think letting someone know when they cross a line is appropriate. It’s not on for an employee to think they are setting the rules and tone.

Show quote history

Yes, this exactly.

vandertable · 02/04/2024 23:25

Funny how practices are so different in different professions/industries. I'd be having a weekly catch-up with a new team member as a matter of course to begin with and then moved to fortnightly once they'd settled in. Nothing formal though, more of a regular "how's it going, is there anything I can help with" kind of chat, as well as drip feeding induction stuff.

Jeannie88 · 03/04/2024 18:23

It's important and professional to ensure they are OK and if need support early on! When I was in a new role I desperately wanted to know I was doing the right things and welcomed meet ups then being the mentor I made it clear it was for support as well. Sounds like a defensive attitude, hopefully they will realise it's just normal. Xx

jeaux90 · 03/04/2024 18:34

Well assuming they are on probation for the first 6 months? You will need to monitor them and their performance to make sure they are firstly ok but secondly that you have reasons if they are not quite cutting it.

Zanatdy · 03/04/2024 18:35

Very rude. In my place you have a 1-2-1 every month

ZombiesAreClammyDodgers · 03/04/2024 18:54

Very cheeky! You'll have to convey "I'll was telling, not asking" in a polite way b

Evaka · 03/04/2024 18:54

Is it possible they thought it was an early/premature probation review? Regardless, move on. They and others you manage will say all manner of unsettling things to you, many utterly deluded or out of the blue.

DisabledDemon · 03/04/2024 20:00

What a peculiar response! It sounds very defensive - perhaps they've had a bad experience in 1-2-1s in a previous job.

godmum56 · 03/04/2024 20:07

Megifer · 02/04/2024 19:24

For what? 🤣

Show quote history

"We are going to do this"

cremebrulait · 03/04/2024 20:25

Maybe they thought you were evaluating them.

MyNDfamily · 03/04/2024 20:43

SpeedbirdSquawker · 02/04/2024 12:34

I have recently started line managing a new person. My first time managing anyone and its going fine. As I will be busy in my role over the next few weeks, I scheduled a catch up with them today. They've been in their role for four weeks now, part time. I know starting a new role can be really overwhelming so I thought it would be a nice chance for a one on one check to see if they're OK and to discuss a few aspects of the future of the role as they will want to bring fresh ideas.

Well, one of the first things out of their mouth was, "its far too early to be doing this" (they meant a one to one/catch up). I replied that as I'll be busy over the next few months, I wanted to check of they were OK. Also they've been learning the new role. Lots of elements to it. I was just being nice!!! I was taken aback tbh. Am I being sensitive?

I once had a new manager come into the job when I was already there. She didn't come out of her office to introduce herself let alone have a catch up. It was really unsettling. I personally wouldn't speak to my manager like that especially if I'd only been there 4 weeks. You may think it, but why say it? It's not making a good first impression. I think the person must have had a bad experience. I had a boss once who wanted to talk multiple times a day and interfere with everything I was doing. He would send me an email, then print it out and pull up a chair at my desk with the email. He did things like this multiple times a day. It was hell. Maybe your direct report has worked for the same guy 😂

Brefugee · 03/04/2024 20:48

Well, one of the first things out of their mouth was, "its far too early to be doing this" (they meant a one to one/catch up). I replied that as I'll be busy over the next few months, I wanted to check of they were OK.

Where i work we have a buddy system - you don't report to them, often not even in the same team. You have a daily catch-up with them every day for 10-15 minutes. They introduce you to the culture of the company, and give you a bit of the inside track etc. We also have a 1 to 1 with our boss once a month. this is important, and while we are fully hybrid, it is preferred for this to be face to face.

So your first response should have been: actually it has been a month already this is the perfect time.

but your reply about being busy over the next few months is a bit shit. Who are they to turn to with questions? do they have a mentor or a buddy?

how long is probation?

(also how long have we used the painful expression "direct reports" in British English? it is an ugly turn of phrase)

Twinklecomic · 03/04/2024 20:52

I have had a couple of managers in the past, who made one to ones a miserable experience, a fault finding mission, a checking that the KPIs have been met and if not, why not- a power trip designed to make the employee feel very small, and like they were failing.
Maybe that’s the source of her reaction, a fear that she’s in for bollocking?
Maybe she worked under similar managers to these in the past?
(You seem lovely though, so hopefully she’ll change her tune).

Brefugee · 03/04/2024 20:57

also was this a planned meeting or a bit more ad hoc? if planned did the meeting invitation have an agenda/idea of what it's about?

I find it absolutely vital that every meeting invitation gives a clear outline of what it is about, and any pre-reading/preparation that needs to be done.

Nantescalling · 03/04/2024 21:23

determinedtomakethiswork · 02/04/2024 12:37

Why would you say that? Why not say that that person she spoke to has a lot to learn about interpersonal skills and communication?

Show quote history

You are both right !

Missreginafalange · 03/04/2024 21:40

At my workplace, fortnightly 1:1s with direct reports are the norm, perhaps they are not used to having 1:1s but as their manager it's really for you to decide if you want regular check ins

ftp · 03/04/2024 22:28

Mmm! Sounds to be that you are doing the right things, and it was quite rude of them IMHO, but do not take it to heart. This is YOUR team and you run it YOUR way.
I can see that you asked them for input - possibly they are not used to that, and are not fully into the role enough to yet? Explain that you value their prior knowledge to shape the team to its best, and they were chosen for just that.
But did YOU choose them? Have they been with the company longer than the new role? Perhaps feeling unsettled/resentful of you? Or have you been dumped with the dead wood? (This happens)
Possibly they have never had a manager who was involved before - it could come across as micro-managing, especially if you are talking daily. They do need to know that you trust them.

Been there, done that - you are good, do not doubt yourself

Hedgehog23 · 03/04/2024 22:32

It’s a weird thing for them to say. My work’s policy is a 1:1 meeting with your manager at least once a fortnight. When I have had someone new, I’ve met them much more regularly to help them get up to speed. I can’t imagine leaving someone to get on with it and hoping for the best. (There are then more formal check ins for progress on probation. )

Toptops · 03/04/2024 22:54

That was rude of them. I wouldn't have spoken to my manager like that. No wonder you were taken aback.