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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Still out 14 hours later on a BH

400 replies

OneWildLemonSnake · 01/04/2024 22:25

AIBU.....
Me and my partner have been together 5 years. It's quite toxic and he has issues when he drinks with taking other substances, cheating and just being a general git!
It was my daughters birthday this weekend (not his child) and he had the hump we were going out today for the day.
He got up and left the house at 9am, hardly spoke to me.
We left at about 12 and came home around 630pm, he still wasn't home.
She has now gone to her dads, and he still isn't home, he hasn't messaged me at all today - its now 1030pm so almost 14 hours later.
He also has to get up for work at 4am, I know he is out drinking and probably taking drugs.
AIBU to think he's out of order for not even messaging me to say if he is coming home or not and safe?
I also have to get up for work, but he has taken the car I :-(

OP posts:
Original poster
OneWildLemonSnake · 02/04/2024 10:44

Weenurse · 02/04/2024 10:41

Good job telling him to go.
Did he listen?

He is just being very quiet. I've given him bags to pack his things - I'm letting him get on with it while i work.

OP posts:
Singleandproud · 02/04/2024 10:48

Well done OP. Ending a relationship is never easy.
Maybe book yourself a few nice treats over the coming weekends so you have things to do to take your mind off the initial loneliness.
Once you get in a routine without him there you won't miss him.

Crunchymum · 02/04/2024 10:49

I should have explained in the first post, my daughter is 25 and lives in her own house

Then why did you say she has gone to her dad's?

You made it sound as though she is a younger child.

ImTheMidsomerMurderer · 02/04/2024 10:51

@OneWildLemonSnake Good on you, well done! Just sending some support 💪🏻💐

Original poster
OneWildLemonSnake · 02/04/2024 10:55

Crunchymum · 02/04/2024 10:49

I should have explained in the first post, my daughter is 25 and lives in her own house

Then why did you say she has gone to her dad's?

You made it sound as though she is a younger child.

Because she did / has gone to her Dads ??

OP posts:
Birdseyetrifle · 02/04/2024 10:59

I put YABU as your priorities are way. Leave the man fgs!

Fawklight · 02/04/2024 11:07

Your being unreasonable for staying with this toxic man. You deserve better and your daughter deserves better

pavedwithgoodintentions · 02/04/2024 11:07

He doesn't have any family that he speaks to

This is not at all surprising based on his toxic behaviour.

I hope he's packing. Make it clear you're not changing your mind and you're done. You deserve so much better.

REcommend you change the locks.

berksandbeyond · 02/04/2024 11:09

YABU for making this disastrous choice for your daughter, aim higher

Fawklight · 02/04/2024 11:09

Cross post. Just seen you have now told him to leave.

I'm glad for you.

Birdkin · 02/04/2024 11:09

Well done OP. Hope he goes quietly and quickly and you can enjoy your new freedom. Have you got anyone who can come round and support you while he’s still there?

Also so sorry so many people on here can’t bloody read. I found it frustrating reading the comments myself so I can’t imagine how you felt! Hope you still found some helpful responses in among the nonsense

Girlking · 02/04/2024 11:10

What’s a BH?

Original poster
OneWildLemonSnake · 02/04/2024 11:12

Girlking · 02/04/2024 11:10

What’s a BH?

bank holiday

OP posts:
Original poster
OneWildLemonSnake · 02/04/2024 11:13

Birdkin · 02/04/2024 11:09

Well done OP. Hope he goes quietly and quickly and you can enjoy your new freedom. Have you got anyone who can come round and support you while he’s still there?

Also so sorry so many people on here can’t bloody read. I found it frustrating reading the comments myself so I can’t imagine how you felt! Hope you still found some helpful responses in among the nonsense

Thank you.
No I haven't.
I haven't told anyone and don't really have any friends anymore, mainly down to him.
That's all changing today though!

OP posts:
beAsensible1 · 02/04/2024 11:16

Don't let him sulk his way into staying, don't get dragged into an argument.

Make sure he's out by the end of the day

SKG231 · 02/04/2024 11:16

Why are you even with this man?

If you do not leave you are going to cause long term emotional and irreversible damage to your daughter.

Do you want her coming to you as a 20 year old adult telling you how she cannot hold down a healthy relationship because you didn’t show her what that was?

Do better for yourself and your child.

Ihearyousingingdownthewire · 02/04/2024 11:18

beAsensible1 · 02/04/2024 11:16

Don't let him sulk his way into staying, don't get dragged into an argument.

Make sure he's out by the end of the day

Yep yep yep.

eastereggsrock · 02/04/2024 11:21

@SKG231

Maybe you could do better with your reading comprehension!

The DD is 25!

itsjustbiology · 02/04/2024 11:22

you are being unreasonable. only for putting up with this. Be happy on your own you deserve so much more

Rainbow1901 · 02/04/2024 11:23

This has to be one of the most frustrating reads on Mumsnet!! People commenting without RTFT!! 😡 For what it is worth - drug taking has always been a No-No for me and drinking is a moveable low/high bar for me. Many people drink - it is how they behave when drinking that shifts the bar. Some people can be happy drinkers but others can be vile!!
We are all different and have different levels of acceptance but you have now made your decision - so wishing you lots of luck OP!! 🍀🍀

ooooohnoooooo · 02/04/2024 11:23

I'm so pleased that you've taken positive action. Today is the first day of the rest of your life.

very exciting. you are free!

stay strong and make sure he leaves today.

Quacking4it · 02/04/2024 11:28

Change the locks. Get rid. You and your children deserve much better

SKG231 · 02/04/2024 11:29

eastereggsrock · 02/04/2024 11:21

@SKG231

Maybe you could do better with your reading comprehension!

The DD is 25!

Yes I missed the age of her daughter. That aside what does it change? She’s still putting her daughter in a toxic unhealthy situation and showing her that it should be the norm and acceptable in a relationship.

BeardyButton · 02/04/2024 11:38

you are unreasonable for subjecting your child to this. Children deserve better. They deserve to be considered when parents choose “partners”.

eastereggsrock · 02/04/2024 11:41

@OneWildLemonSnake

Maybe ask MNHQ to add your daughters age and circumstances ie own house, in your Op, to stop all of the ‘child’ comments

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