To not wait with my wife for her message?

[Cnthnfne]

I’ll keep this brief: I (38M) was shopping with my wife (36F) and children (DS9 & DD7). After we had done most of our shopping, DW wanted to get a massage at a massage stall.

As we joined the queue, I asked DD is she wanted to wait in the queue with DW or if she wanted to visit a few shops with me & DS.
She said she’d wait with DW and I went off to another shop with DS.

After 5 mins, DW phoned me and said she wanted to go home: after 5 mins of waiting DD became bored and starter complaining about the wait and DW left the queue.

When I got back to them, DW was raging, annoyed at me for not staying and waiting with her. I offered to wait in line for her whilst she shopped but DW just walked off, towards the car park.

the journey back was in complete silence. She has been felling unwell lately, and perhaps I should have been more thoughtful but I feel her walking off and then it not talking to me is an overreaction.
we had some days book off this week but I fear they will be wasted as she’ll be in a foul mood.

He said "she can be moody for a while".

This can mean anything from her actually being awful to her regulating herself or simply not forgiving and forgetting his shitty behaviour right away.

Why didn’t she insist on him taking her DD when he took their DS? If he wanted to sabotage it then he wouldn’t have taken either child would he? DD insisted she wanted to stay with her mum and mum didn’t ask him to have her as well so didn’t have an issue with it at the time. She is coming across as the bad parent because she’s ignored him continually and clearly has form for it. What is she teaching her children by emotionally manipulating him in that way? Particularly her son. She’s teaching her daughter that if you use the silent treatment as a weapon you can get your own way in life and that her son’s worth is below that of a woman and that he deserves to be mistreated if he makes a mistake. That to me and many others is a far bigger crime than not taking the other child when he wasn’t even asked to. In his OP he recognised his mistake and reflected that he could have done better but the OPs wife will drag out her silent treatment for days in order to sabotage any days left that they have off together. He wouldn’t say that if she hadn’t done it multiple times before. That is the appropriate use of the word sabotage I think you’ll find.

How long should it have taken to the wait in the queue and then have the massage? To be honest, I think it’s weird and inconsiderate to randomly decide you’re going for a massage in the middle of a family shopping trip if it means other people have to hang around waiting for you. I’d feel the same way if it was your wife writing because you’d decided you were going to get a haircut, etc.

Exactly.
If there was a reason why the whole family needed to go shopping, then that would be the plan for the time it took. I would not be impressed, if we'd gone off to a shopping centre together in the one car, if whoever I was with then announced they needed me to occupy myself for the next hour or whatever because they had randomly decided that they wanted a massage.
You book a massage when the other half of the couple can look after the dc at home. Or plan it into the day, not just drop it on the other adult as they were about to go home, that they need to hang around twiddling their thumbs because one person fancied treating themselves and didn't care two hoots about the other 3 people.

One of those couple spats, but she was very unreasonable to pitch a hissy fit.
I was going to suggest you offer herva massage but I like the pp suggestion that you book her a good massage, or maybe a voucher, so she can book at a time best for her.

Why didn’t she insist on him taking her DD when he took their DS?

She’s not his mum. Why can’t he have enough sense to take a 7yo when his wife is having a massage. Why does he need to be instructed in such a basic way. If she wanted it doing she should have just nagged - omg she’s such a nag. Ffs

If he wanted to sabotage it then he wouldn’t have taken either child would he?

He didn’t just want to sabotage it. He actually did sabotage it. Leaving both kids would also be a dick move but at least the 9yo is old enough to be actually helpful in entertaining his sister and making sure she doesn’t fuck off somewhere during the massage.

DD insisted she wanted to stay with her mum and mum didn’t ask him to have her as well so didn’t have an issue with it at the time

7 you don’t get to “insist” in this situation, and I’d bet my house she was already pissed off when he started with “so you want to stay with mummy then. Ok”

She is coming across as the bad parent because she’s ignored him continually and clearly has form for it. What is she teaching her children by emotionally manipulating him in that way?

Shes PISSED OFF. She’s allowed to be. If she’s a shit mum he should have just said “you can’t have a massage, you’re a shit mum”. It’s irrelevant to the situation. She might have decorated their bedrooms with anthrax, he still fucked up her massage when she’s already ill and that’s what the thread is about. Her shitness as a mum or otherwise is irrelevant. He’s not saying she didn’t deserve a massage and that’s why it’s fucked up.

Particularly her son. She’s teaching her daughter that if you use the silent treatment as a weapon you can get your own way in life and that her son’s worth is below that of a woman and that he deserves to be mistreated if he makes a mistake.

Is she, aye. She should always be chatty and gay. She could just take some “mother’s little helper”. The more important lesson to learn is that mum doesn’t get a massage because dad is a drip, and we’ve all learned that.

That to me and many others is a far bigger crime than not taking the other child when he wasn’t even asked to.

He should have had to be asked. She was quiet on one car journey where she is disappointed and ill and had been shopping all day. This is not an actual crime.

In his OP he recognised his mistake and reflected that he could have done better

No didn’t. He just said his 7yo wanted to stay with her mum so he fucked off without her as there was nothing a grown man could do. Then he offers to rejoin and apparently quite long queue but the moment had gone by then.

OP will drag out her silent treatment for days in order to sabotage any days left that they have off together

You don’t know that AT ALL.

That is the appropriate use of the word sabotage I think you’ll find.

I don’t

Two things. Don’t give 7yo choices you know will lead to immediate boredom and whinging within minutes. Your wife sounds like serious hard work if something so trivial can result in her sulking for days.

This . I don't understand why your daughter had a choice. No dd mum is getting a massage you are coming with us. End of. But your wife moody for days is too much.

My goodness, seems we have a psychic on Mumsnet!! 🙄

As a mum I do like a massage. But don't take all the kids to a shopping centre to be able to relax .For an hour massage I have to have kids sorted. Phone off, complete me time.

How long should it have taken to the wait in the queue and then have the massage? To be honest, I think it’s weird and inconsiderate to randomly decide you’re going for a massage in the middle of a family shopping trip if it means other people have to hang around waiting for you. I’d feel the same way if it was your wife writing because you’d decided you were going to get a haircut, etc.

Tend to agree, but why can’t he just say instead of making it too difficult to do.

“We’ve been out ages, I’m tired, the kids are bored, maybe you can’t book yourself in somewhere tomorrow” vs “great idea, let’s waste time in this queue then I’ll randomly fuck off and make things difficult so you won’t enjoy it”

Don’t give 7yo choices you know will lead to immediate boredom and whinging within minutes.

Absofuckinglutely

Your wife sounds like serious hard work if something so trivial can result in her sulking for days.

Yes. Would be interesting to know if this was straw 1 or straw 5243953563625 gazillion. Is she over sensitive and unrealistic or has she been pushed with enormous provocation to the end of her rope? Either way they are awful communicators and don’t really seem to like each other very much.

I bet your family don't think much of this moody wife @Cnthnfne
Sulkers are awful to live with.

If this was a woman posting about a man, everyone would be saying ''Leave the b@stard'' {''LTB'' in mumsnet speak.}

Maybe you should?

She never had to leave the queue.She could have rang and said DD is bored can you come and get her? But she made the disision to leave the queue.

The Incredible Sulk.

This. You shouldn't have given DD a choice. Your wife needed time to herself. You should have known that

This story goes wrong when DW decides she wants to get a massage at a 'massage stall' in the middle of a family trip to a shopping mall with two kids under 10 in tow.

It's inappropriate to decide, on an impulse, to have a massage when out on a family day with kids.

Additionally inappropriate for DW to then sulk because massage didn't happen due to DD inevitably getting bored in the queue.

It’s the man’s fault.

Why is the wife incapable of saying she doesn't want any kids with her in the queue?

Why is she incapable of telling the husband to fetch said child?

Why is she incapable of realising she could have done either, therefore sulking is silly?

Yes you messed this up. You should have taken both children and not giving a seven year old a choice. Your wife just want some peace and quiet away from you and the kids. Is that too difficult to ask and is that too difficult for you to do for her?

You probably should have taken both kids with you for a milkshake or something and let DW enjoy the massage in peace. She may also have enjoyed scrolling through her phone while waiting instead of entertaining DD.

But I also don’t think she should be reacting like it’s really terrible awful thing and going silent treatment. I hate the silent treatment so much - just say what the problem is!

Bet there's a lot more to this story.

How exactly was she supposed to supervise a small child while getting a massage in the middle of a busy mall?

you sabotaged your wife by leaving a child behind. Of course she is upset.

You needed to supervise both children, either by taking both with you or staying in place with both of them.

There is some serious over reaching, projection and embellishing to your inane drivel going on here and you say I am claiming things that don’t know at all? My word.

Your wife shouldn't have expected to get a massage at the end of a shopping trip with tired bored kids.

I'm sorry I'm all for women being treated but this was hardly the time and the place.

‘Best case scenario OP is just careless and inconsiderate, worst case, he knew exactly what he was doing by leaving DD behind and that it will interfere with his wife's massage/10 minute peace’.

Crikey, the guy’s pretty much doomed then.

She sounds exhausted maybe but no excuse for not communicating civilly. Not nice for the kids to experience that atmosphere.

Gently tell her you need more respect in the future and won’t tolerate that behaviour. It’s unhealthy for the children. My husband uses humour with me when he’s pissed off and I do the same with him. Takes the heaviness & drama away. It’s a good way of expressing ourselves, getting stuff off our chest but not spoiling a day over it. Our kids never have drama either, it’s not something they’re familiar with. You all deserve to be spoken to respectfully. Keep life light. Also, remember to show her you love her and show her you’re listening to her.