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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not wait with my wife for her message?

282 replies

Cnthnfne · 01/04/2024 21:33

I’ll keep this brief: I (38M) was shopping with my wife (36F) and children (DS9 & DD7). After we had done most of our shopping, DW wanted to get a massage at a massage stall.

As we joined the queue, I asked DD is she wanted to wait in the queue with DW or if she wanted to visit a few shops with me & DS.
She said she’d wait with DW and I went off to another shop with DS.

After 5 mins, DW phoned me and said she wanted to go home: after 5 mins of waiting DD became bored and starter complaining about the wait and DW left the queue.

When I got back to them, DW was raging, annoyed at me for not staying and waiting with her. I offered to wait in line for her whilst she shopped but DW just walked off, towards the car park.

the journey back was in complete silence. She has been felling unwell lately, and perhaps I should have been more thoughtful but I feel her walking off and then it not talking to me is an overreaction.
we had some days book off this week but I fear they will be wasted as she’ll be in a foul mood.

OP posts:
Autienotnaughtie · 02/04/2024 07:19

You probably should have took both kids.

Did she ask you to take both of them? She has an opinion did she agree to dd staying? If she agreed for dd to stay and then got annoyed because dd whined she is definitely being unreasonable.

Also petty to do silent treatment/moodiness . You apologised for not taking dd. It's now over. Of something bigger is bothering her she needs to speak up.

Dashel · 02/04/2024 07:19

I think the raging after a silly incident in and a foul mood for days is the main bit here.

I would say that if a partner is in a foul mood for days after this, then you need help to change or leave the situation.

Does she often get into a rage and a mood for days?

ConJob · 02/04/2024 07:20

You wife sounds selfish, childish and abusive. I am sorry she has been unwell but that is no excuse for her behaviour, I wonder if anything you do is ever good enough for her. She could have asked you to take DD, when you took DS or when DD started complaining. She created this whole situation! who expects their young children and husband to just wait in silence while they queue for and get a massage?

She should not be giving you the silent treatment especially for days on end, it's abusive. I would have a real think about whether this was a one off or a pattern of behaviour.

turnips4u · 02/04/2024 07:37

The problem here is that noone is talking to each other. If Your wife wanted to be alone for a massage then she should have said "Can you take DD please, I could use some space to get a massage" and she could have also explained that to DD. Then you could have said "no problem, we'll go and grab a coffee/ice cream whilst we wait"- sorted.

But the issue here is that noone is expressing what they really feel- hence moodiness and treading on eggshells. I'm sorry but I cant stand passive aggressiveness - whether it's from men or women. SAY what you need/want - dont expect people to mind read your intentions. IF you express your needs and it still doesnt happen then thats another conversation entirely. Nothing is ever going to be achieved by stomping around not talking to each other.

Floppyelf · 02/04/2024 07:38

AGodawfulsmallaffair · 01/04/2024 21:42

She sounds nuts.

This x a million

Bluebellsanddaffodil · 02/04/2024 07:40

Your wife is feeling like she never gets a moments peace. In that moment she will wanted you to take children for 20 minutes so she could have a 10 minute massage and so something for her. She doesn't want to have to reject her daughter and insist she goes with you, but would have liked you to have insisted your daughter comes with you so she can get some much needed peace.

that's my interpretation anyway.

Sweden99 · 02/04/2024 07:49

@Cnthnfne, What you did was very dumb.

Your wife is unlikely to specifically say she wants to have something purely for herself. She wanted you to take the kids, do some tasks and let her have a massage. She wanted this without being the one who was being indulged. By not realising that, you made her the selfish one. That is why she is fuming.

It could be said that she should have communicated properly but it is not realistic. There is too much pressure on wives and mothers to be selfless.

StormingNorman · 02/04/2024 07:53

Sweden99 · 02/04/2024 07:49

@Cnthnfne, What you did was very dumb.

Your wife is unlikely to specifically say she wants to have something purely for herself. She wanted you to take the kids, do some tasks and let her have a massage. She wanted this without being the one who was being indulged. By not realising that, you made her the selfish one. That is why she is fuming.

It could be said that she should have communicated properly but it is not realistic. There is too much pressure on wives and mothers to be selfless.

OP wasn’t asking her to be selfless. He just needed her to communicate that she didn’t want DD in the queue with her. I don’t see how him to take the child makes the Situation seem indulgent.

ThomasinaLivesHere · 02/04/2024 07:57

Sweden99 · 02/04/2024 07:49

@Cnthnfne, What you did was very dumb.

Your wife is unlikely to specifically say she wants to have something purely for herself. She wanted you to take the kids, do some tasks and let her have a massage. She wanted this without being the one who was being indulged. By not realising that, you made her the selfish one. That is why she is fuming.

It could be said that she should have communicated properly but it is not realistic. There is too much pressure on wives and mothers to be selfless.

She’s fine saying she’s going to have a massage on a family trip but can’t say her daughter can’t go with her due to pressure to be selfless? That makes no sense to me.

Sux2buthen · 02/04/2024 07:59

People falling over themselves to make the wife seem reasonable 😂
If she wants a massage she should book one and go to it.

Sweden99 · 02/04/2024 08:07

StormingNorman · 02/04/2024 07:53

OP wasn’t asking her to be selfless. He just needed her to communicate that she didn’t want DD in the queue with her. I don’t see how him to take the child makes the Situation seem indulgent.

Show quote history

She wanted to be the goodie. That is perfectly normal but it makes communication harder. It is a silent contract but we have to accept them unfortunately.
She was inhibited from saying that she wanted an indulgence for herself, i.e., him take the kids, get tasks done, while she has a massage in peace. It is not about the OP saying she coudl not, but understanding she will not be explicit. Frankly, it is something a man should pick up in a year of having his first girlfriend.

Sweden99 · 02/04/2024 08:16

Sux2buthen · 02/04/2024 07:59

People falling over themselves to make the wife seem reasonable 😂
If she wants a massage she should book one and go to it.

A grown man should be able to understand the words, the feelings and motive.
If she was fine, but had a slight niggle in her back she wanted addressed, then his actions were reasonable.
Instead, she wanted a nice self-indulgent treat there are then with her husband taking the kids. She also did not want to be the selfish one, so she could not say that explicitly.
By not reading between the lines and playing along, he ruined it. I am surprised he came to MN when he could have just asked one of his mates to explain it to him.

jannier · 02/04/2024 08:25

Cnthnfne · 01/04/2024 21:43

I did try and take DD with me but she wanted to stay with my wife.

Show quote history

And sometimes you as a parent say no mummy is having some time to herself your coming with me kids do not always get to choose. How can anyone have a massage while looking after a child?

jannier · 02/04/2024 08:27

NewName24 · 01/04/2024 22:29

Your wife is being ridiculous.

Like many others, it was never going to be relaxing, queuing up in a shopping centre for a massage.
If she wants a massage (and that's all within the family budget) then that's the sort of thing she should make an appointment for so isn't wasting time queuing and you both know you have the kids for that (pre-arranged) time.

Putting all those sensible choices aside.

If she knew she was going to have to wait in a queue (and then, indeed, have the massage - what was she going to do with dd then??) then why didn't she just tell your dd that she had to go with you as there was nothing for her to do for this time ?

She really is being massively unreasonable.
The only unreasonable thing you have done is apologise when you've not done anything wrong.

Why didn't dad know he had to take his daughter instead of giving the child the choice ....I'm going to have a massage....ok I'll get the kids a drink and have a mooch end of.

user1492757084 · 02/04/2024 08:31

Wife has behaved terribly. She should have said not to leave any kids with her. Could she be so exhasted that she is illogical?

Book wife a really great massage.
Drop her off and leave her there for hours and return once the kids have their baby sitter at home.
Take wife for a restful wander in a park and for a nice fresh meal. On the way home suggest she needs to consider making time for a gentle walk every week and seek some advice on her general health and sleep needs.

Theothername · 02/04/2024 08:31

I remember similar situations where dh was a bit useless with the dc so any time I wanted to take time for myself, I had to run the gauntlet of teary dc who didn’t want to stay with dad, and sometimes I was so depleted and exhausted that I couldn’t.

And I didn’t have what it took, at those times, to calmly give instructions, delegate, micromanage, discuss or book anything. I just shut down and resented him.

Fortunately for us, my dh didn’t take to the internet for validation. He reflected, reached out, tried to make amends and poured enough into my cup to help me get back to a point where we could communicate, and he tried harder. And because he did, I did too.

Even good partners can, inadvertently be really shitty partners at time when they don’t see or understand what’s happening for the other. The real difference is whether you dig in to your position, or dig deep and try and be a better partner and parent.

ineedsun · 02/04/2024 08:33

Because the wife didn’t ask him to 🤦🏼‍♀️. Even if she thinks it’s obvious, the minute it’s clear that the husband didn’t understand the unspoken sub text, she had the choice to say ‘actually no, you need to go with dad, I’m having ten minutes to myself’. But she chose not to, she chose to get stressed, go without the massage, get angry and sulk.

That’s incredibly passive aggressive and immature.

I genuinely can’t get my head around anyone believing that she’s been somehow wronged in this scenario. Can you imagine how stressful it is to live with someone who doesn’t actually tell you what they want and when you don’t magically know they punish you with the silent treatment?

PerfectTravelTote · 02/04/2024 08:33

The silent treatment is not an effective method for a an adult to deal with anything. She may or may not have a valid reason to be annoyed but she's being completely unreasonable in how she's handling it.

ineedsun · 02/04/2024 08:34

Sorry, that was to @jannier

GingerIsBest · 02/04/2024 08:34

If your wife is going to.sulk for days, that is very unreasonable.

However, our dc are similar ages and the thing that annoys me the most with dh now is thay I am ALWAYS the baddie. So this is the sort of thing that happens with us - I want dh to take both. One will resist. He doesn't want to insist or make an effort so either I get to firmly say, "go with dad" leaving him to deal with an upsrt child, or I have to keep her with me. Drives me mad.

Last week I took the dog to the vet. Dh fetched dd from school, and somehow it was decided that I must be the one to give her the results of her piano exam. Lovely you think? Except, I was at the vet and they were i ly home for 10 minutes before going to her activity so I had to.deal.with 30 messages and calls from her. I was furious. That he turned this into a thing. That he didn't stop her from hounding me etc.

Sweden99 · 02/04/2024 08:35

People are flawed.
Most of us put our perfect self on this message board but I do not think there is anything that unusual in how she acted in reality.

PoochiesPinkEars · 02/04/2024 08:38

@turnips4u 👌

Yousay55 · 02/04/2024 08:39

We’re only getting your side of the story here and I imagine that there is a lot more to it.
Perhaps your dw is exhausted, worried, carrying the weight of the world? People are rarely like this for no good reason.

BoogieBoogieWoogie · 02/04/2024 08:41

Sweden99 · 02/04/2024 08:35

People are flawed.
Most of us put our perfect self on this message board but I do not think there is anything that unusual in how she acted in reality.

She is behaving like a child. Yes he could have done things differently at the time, so could she. However what’s done is done and only one person is acting like a dick now and it’s not him.

ineedsun · 02/04/2024 08:43

Sweden99 · 02/04/2024 08:35

People are flawed.
Most of us put our perfect self on this message board but I do not think there is anything that unusual in how she acted in reality.

That’s a worry, it all sounds incredibly childish and quite manipulative to me. I certainly wouldn’t be arranging any sort of massage etc unless I’d had an actual conversation with her about how she is feeling and what would be helpful right now, for both parties.

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