Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not wait with my wife for her message?

282 replies

Cnthnfne · 01/04/2024 21:33

I’ll keep this brief: I (38M) was shopping with my wife (36F) and children (DS9 & DD7). After we had done most of our shopping, DW wanted to get a massage at a massage stall.

As we joined the queue, I asked DD is she wanted to wait in the queue with DW or if she wanted to visit a few shops with me & DS.
She said she’d wait with DW and I went off to another shop with DS.

After 5 mins, DW phoned me and said she wanted to go home: after 5 mins of waiting DD became bored and starter complaining about the wait and DW left the queue.

When I got back to them, DW was raging, annoyed at me for not staying and waiting with her. I offered to wait in line for her whilst she shopped but DW just walked off, towards the car park.

the journey back was in complete silence. She has been felling unwell lately, and perhaps I should have been more thoughtful but I feel her walking off and then it not talking to me is an overreaction.
we had some days book off this week but I fear they will be wasted as she’ll be in a foul mood.

OP posts:
Codlingmoths · 01/04/2024 23:55

Cnthnfne · 01/04/2024 21:43

I did try and take DD with me but she wanted to stay with my wife.

Show quote history

Oh well there is absolutely nothing you could have done then.
oh wait, you could have checked if your wife would rather wait alone and insisted dd come. She’s your child too. At 9&7 they go to school- if they say they don’t want to go do you say oh dear, nothing to be done?

SpttyMaldoon · 01/04/2024 23:56

I don’t understand why the wife didn’t call him to come and get their daughter, she didn’t need to leave the queue.

PaperDoIIs · 01/04/2024 23:57

No one needs a massage to survive, children need putting first by their mother though.

But not their father? Interesting...

Codlingmoths · 02/04/2024 00:01

If she had been unwell, and IF she often does most of the parenting and the thinking about parenting - who knows what school events are on? Who knows if they need new clothes? Who plans holidays? Who looks after them or books things school holidays? Then she just wanted you to step up and look after her rather than the only person looking after her in this family being her while she looks after everyone else.

StormingNorman · 02/04/2024 00:01

Heybearu · 01/04/2024 22:18

It sounds like a situation that could have gone either way.
Your wife is so upset because her needs arent being met.

Could you book her a surprise massage one of the days off you both have while you have the kids?

She was an absolute bitch. She doesn’t deserve to be rewarded for bad behaviour.

PaperDoIIs · 02/04/2024 00:01

marmiteoneverything · 01/04/2024 23:50

How long should it have taken to the wait in the queue and then have the massage? To be honest, I think it’s weird and inconsiderate to randomly decide you’re going for a massage in the middle of a family shopping trip if it means other people have to hang around waiting for you. I’d feel the same way if it was your wife writing because you’d decided you were going to get a haircut, etc.

But yes, she’s obviously annoyed that you didn’t take your daughter with you.

Funnily enough, if we're out and OH needs/wants to do something else I'm perfectly capable of 1. realising I need to take DD with me so he can do the thing and 2. Fucking entertain her and myself for however ling it takes.

Must be the lack of a penis... I don't know how OH manages to be a functioning adult in the same situation. He must be magic.

Zoreos · 02/04/2024 00:02

PaperDoIIs · 01/04/2024 23:57

No one needs a massage to survive, children need putting first by their mother though.

But not their father? Interesting...

Did you read nothing of what I wrote? He took one and followed his wife’s lead who seemed perfectly fine originally with her being there until she acted like a 7 year old and she realised she couldn’t look after her. Strange how women can not supervise their children properly and that’s fine but men don’t and they’re vilified. Again, why do we hold women to much lower standards than men? Why is it acceptable for her to be emotionally abusive towards him and that gets brushed under the carpet but if he had done the same he’d be strung up. Interesting indeed.

StormingNorman · 02/04/2024 00:05

TeenLifeMum · 01/04/2024 23:44

If I wanted a massage and dh left a 7yo with me I’d be pretty pissed off. It’s the husband deliberately sabotaging while pleading innocence “oh but it wasn’t my fault and I offered to stay after it went wrong so I don’t understand why I’m the bad guy”. It was either a dick move or general incompetence. Her upset may not match the scale of the issue but I’m guessing it’s a straw that broke the camel’s back moment for her.

But would you not just ask him to take DD too?

PaperDoIIs · 02/04/2024 00:06

@Zoreos because he's the one that fucked up this time. If he wanted to, he could've been a good partner.He didn't. That's on him.

MurderousCheekbones · 02/04/2024 00:08

CKL987 · 01/04/2024 23:54

I think your bigger problem is a wife that can stay moody about something for days. This is not ok behaviour.

Yeah I think this is the much bigger issue, frankly, than who should have taken responsibility for the 7 year old. It's toxic behaviour.

Zoreos · 02/04/2024 00:09

PaperDoIIs · 02/04/2024 00:06

@Zoreos because he's the one that fucked up this time. If he wanted to, he could've been a good partner.He didn't. That's on him.

Ah, so he made a mistake so he deserved to be emotionally abused. Right, gotchya. Must remember that for next time my OH makes a mistake. I’ll have my wooden spoon at the ready. Victim blaming at it’s finest, you are honestly grotesque.

snackatack · 02/04/2024 00:12

You left your wife with a child to have a massage - you should have taken both children with you

I hate when partners are so useless - have a brain

PaperDoIIs · 02/04/2024 00:13

Thank you :)

Zoreos · 02/04/2024 00:15

snackatack · 02/04/2024 00:12

You left your wife with a child to have a massage - you should have taken both children with you

I hate when partners are so useless - have a brain

She left her child happily unattended and allowed her husband to walk away to have an impromptu massage in the middle of a busy stall. I hate it when women emotionally abuse their partners. Maybe she should have a brain as well as a personality transplant to match.

snackatack · 02/04/2024 00:15

As for the wife - I feel for her - lets put this in context, she's been feeling under the weather - wanted a little massage - and yet again OH didn't step up - then played the 'oh pity me I tried card' ..

I have a partner who does this is it infuriating

SleepingStandingUp · 02/04/2024 00:16

How was she going to have a relaxing massage whilst also looking after a bored child?? You just take them both. No Veronica, Mummy is just going to wait for her massage and we'll be back later (pick up child if of appropriate age)

marmiteoneverything · 02/04/2024 00:16

PaperDoIIs · 02/04/2024 00:01

Funnily enough, if we're out and OH needs/wants to do something else I'm perfectly capable of 1. realising I need to take DD with me so he can do the thing and 2. Fucking entertain her and myself for however ling it takes.

Must be the lack of a penis... I don't know how OH manages to be a functioning adult in the same situation. He must be magic.

Show quote history

Well, that’s nice for you. I wouldn’t be happy in that scenario, as I’d much rather ‘fucking entertain’ DD and DSCs at home than in a shopping centre at the end of a family shopping trip. Suddenly remembering you need to do something is very different to deciding you’re going to get a massage.

My point has got nothing to do with having a penis. DP looks after DD on his own all the time and I’d expect nothing less of him as she’s his child too. I hold no truck with strategic incompetence. My point was about picking the right moment, and it doesn’t sound like this was the right moment. If OP’s wife had booked a massage at a beauty parlour and the OP hadn’t kept the daughter at home so she could have it in peace then that would be completely different.

He should still have taken the daughter though. As I meant to suggest the first time.

PaperDoIIs · 02/04/2024 00:20

snackatack · 02/04/2024 00:15

As for the wife - I feel for her - lets put this in context, she's been feeling under the weather - wanted a little massage - and yet again OH didn't step up - then played the 'oh pity me I tried card' ..

I have a partner who does this is it infuriating

And then posts on here to have his wife called unstable, crazy, a bitch, an abuser.

MurderousCheekbones · 02/04/2024 00:23

But @PaperDoIIs you can't think it's normal or ok for her to have a two day strop about it? A man giving his wife the silent treatment for that length of time would certainly be called abusive on MN.

Zoreos · 02/04/2024 00:25

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

PaperDoIIs · 02/04/2024 00:29

MurderousCheekbones · 02/04/2024 00:23

But @PaperDoIIs you can't think it's normal or ok for her to have a two day strop about it? A man giving his wife the silent treatment for that length of time would certainly be called abusive on MN.

She hasn't though has she? She gave him the silent treatment for the car ride that's it.

OP thinks she might.

If she actually does, then yeah the relationship is fucked because that's not a healthy or good environment for any of them, or the kids.

CarrotCake01 · 02/04/2024 00:32

She saw how bored her daughter got, why would she expect you and the son to wait as well?!

I think what she probably wanted really was for you to have taken both children while she had a massage. I think she's more annoyed at the situation than you tbh.

Zwicky · 02/04/2024 00:33

Saying you will facilitate your DS to have a massage and then fucking off and leaving her with a 7yo was a dick move. If you didn’t want her to have the massage or look after the kids while she did then you should have said, instead of pretending you were chill with it and then sabotaging it. An alien just arrived from space knows a massage isn’t very relaxing when you are simultaneously supervising a bored 7yo in a busy area. You know that too but you either are, or are pretending to be so much of a drip that you can’t tell a 7yo to come with you. Really unfair of you to give her the choice, knowing that she either came with you or ruined mummy’s massage and mummy has to put up with it or she is the mean parent who shits on the choice (admittedly she is coming across as the mean parent now because a 7yo thinks she is responsible for all this tension because she made the wrong choice, when really the grown up in charge (YOU) should never have pushed that on her. But yeah, she sounds crazy and you are just doing your best and have no idea how this happened.

MurderousCheekbones · 02/04/2024 00:35

@PaperDoIIs I think he said she has form for it though.

ForestBather · 02/04/2024 00:39

So the mall massage didn't work out. Tell her to go book a massage with a massage therapist. If part of the reason she's not feeling well is muscle pain, this will be good for her. It's a bit inconsiderate to get a spontaneous mall massage when there's a queue.