To not wait with my wife for her message?

[Cnthnfne]

I’ll keep this brief: I (38M) was shopping with my wife (36F) and children (DS9 & DD7). After we had done most of our shopping, DW wanted to get a massage at a massage stall.

As we joined the queue, I asked DD is she wanted to wait in the queue with DW or if she wanted to visit a few shops with me & DS.
She said she’d wait with DW and I went off to another shop with DS.

After 5 mins, DW phoned me and said she wanted to go home: after 5 mins of waiting DD became bored and starter complaining about the wait and DW left the queue.

When I got back to them, DW was raging, annoyed at me for not staying and waiting with her. I offered to wait in line for her whilst she shopped but DW just walked off, towards the car park.

the journey back was in complete silence. She has been felling unwell lately, and perhaps I should have been more thoughtful but I feel her walking off and then it not talking to me is an overreaction.
we had some days book off this week but I fear they will be wasted as she’ll be in a foul mood.

I did try and take DD with me but she wanted to stay with my wife.

No you didn't. You asked DD if she would go with you or stay with her mum. Which is bullshit, because I bet you KNEW DD would pick mum.

You should've told her she's going and bribe/distract/entice her with something nice if need be.

That's why your wife is pissed at you. Because you didn't try.

Out of curiosity, how often do you have the two kids completely by yourself, without any input from your wife and she gets significant uninterrupted "me" time?

Your wife is being ridiculous.

Like many others, it was never going to be relaxing, queuing up in a shopping centre for a massage.
If she wants a massage (and that's all within the family budget) then that's the sort of thing she should make an appointment for so isn't wasting time queuing and you both know you have the kids for that (pre-arranged) time.

Putting all those sensible choices aside.

If she knew she was going to have to wait in a queue (and then, indeed, have the massage - what was she going to do with dd then??) then why didn't she just tell your dd that she had to go with you as there was nothing for her to do for this time ?

She really is being massively unreasonable.
The only unreasonable thing you have done is apologise when you've not done anything wrong.

Because I bet he fucked off before she even had the chance.

You should have taken both kids.

Yes, this is it.

As soon as you said your DD stayed in the queue with her I know this was where it was going.

This absolutely. Book her a massage somewhere if you want to keep the peace.

Instead of asking DD if she wanted to stay in the queue, could you not have just minded both children while she got her massage? You've apologised which is good but could you book her a nice massage somewhere instead?

But you gave her the option.

Don't apologise and placate her after her selfish behaviour.

Leave her to hey pathetic little sulk and crack on with your days off, just get out of the house and do something enjoyable. Nothing less attractive than emotionally abusive sulkers and pathetic silent treatment shit.

I have a friend whose wife pulls this two/three days in the huff crap after minor inconveniences, and I don't know why they are still together.

She sounds like very hard work tbh.

Is there more to this story?

The only way I can see your wife being so annoyed about it, is if you were supposed to be nipping to a shop with DS then coming back for DD so she could have the massage but you were longer than she thought you were going to be.

OR

Like many a time this has happened to me, you were awol and she was trying to ring you to come back for DD but you didn't hear or answer your phone a few times?

I can't imagine the situation you're describing, where she passively agreed to keep DD with her would make her so angry, unless there was another factor at play?

If I was your wife I would have said from the start "I fancy a massage, will you take the kids shopping/for lunch while I go". She probably wanted to wait alone, but sometimes you need to be direct. If you happily walked off with just your son then that's a different matter. All of you waiting in line would just be odd

This, 100%.

If I wanted a massage and dh left a 7yo with me I’d be pretty pissed off. It’s the husband deliberately sabotaging while pleading innocence “oh but it wasn’t my fault and I offered to stay after it went wrong so I don’t understand why I’m the bad guy”. It was either a dick move or general incompetence. Her upset may not match the scale of the issue but I’m guessing it’s a straw that broke the camel’s back moment for her.

Yeah I feel like that could be the case. That's why I make it clear beforehand, then DH will say "no we're leaving mum to have her massage in peace" or whatever, no choices

You should have took both kids. Not given them a choice

In fairness though, you can't always MAKE a child come away from the preferred parent, the preferred parent has to be the one to be firm and say, 'you go with dad while I do this', otherwise she was already setting him up to fail.

Rather then him & two kids leaving her in the queue, she should have left them somewhere while they were busy with something to go and do what she wanted, it would have been easier that way.

Or scenario number 3 (which I've often seen being played out) :

They all queue up , wife is distracted, he asks DD then fucks off without warning before she even realises he has left and she still has a kid to look after.

Best case scenario OP is just careless and inconsiderate, worst case, he knew exactly what he was doing by leaving DD behind and that it will interfere with his wife's massage/10 minute peace.

How long should it have taken to the wait in the queue and then have the massage? To be honest, I think it’s weird and inconsiderate to randomly decide you’re going for a massage in the middle of a family shopping trip if it means other people have to hang around waiting for you. I’d feel the same way if it was your wife writing because you’d decided you were going to get a haircut, etc.

But yes, she’s obviously annoyed that you didn’t take your daughter with you.

? YANBU. Why didn't your wife just say, "no DD, go with your dad. You can't wait in the queue as I won't be able to look after you whilst having my massage" . Or if DD wanted to stay in queue with DW, she could just have called you when there were, say, 2 people ahead of her and you'd come back for DD.
Seems like an overreaction. Even IF you asked DD, and then took off before DW had a chance to agree/disagree to anything (seems unlikely), all DW would have to do would be to give you a quick call or text and ask you to come back for DD? And to give you the silent treatment when a little bit of clear communication could easily have solved it?

This may shock you but his wife is perfectly capable of parenting their children as well. She also could have told DD that she had to stay with her dad. How exactly did she expect to be able to properly supervise her child whilst getting a massage in the middle of a busy place? Just let her twiddle her thumbs whilst she was getting massaged by a stranger in front of her. Grim. Anyone with half a brain knows if you want a massage you don’t do so with children in tow. If she thought she wasn’t able to balance the two she shouldn’t have let him leave with just one of the children and communicated properly like an adult instead of treating the welfare of her child as an afterthought. Beyond selfish to put her own frivolous “needs” over the children. No one needs a massage to survive, children need putting first by their mother though. He listened to the lead his wife which everyone will tell you on here is what he should do. It’s not his fault she got it wrong. Absurdly childish for her to pissy afterwards because frankly she’s careless but clearly used to getting her own way for her to display such controlling and manipulative behaviour. My betting is she gets far more “me time” than he does. Adequate parenting doesn’t consist of bribing children, it consists of setting firm boundaries and forward planning. She’s the one ignoring him and using emotionally abusive tactics when she’s not getting her own way. She should do better, not him. She didn’t try.

It sounds like your wife is at the end of her tether and just needed a little peace to get a massage to help her recharge. She's been unwell lately, so I think you need to give her some compassion here. You shouldn't have left the 7yr old with her, how was she supposed to relax to have a massage with a 7yr old in tow?

Some replies here about your wife are rather unkind. Most of us are mothers here and likely know what it's like when you're at the end of your tether.

Does your wife get down time? What's life like at home? Is parenting shared? Is housework shared? Is she stressed? Is she worried about her health?

I think before people vilify the wife here we need some more details at least, rather than calling her "nuts", based off one very brief snapshot.

You gave dd an option, she obviously chose her dm. You don’t give an option, you TELL dd to leave mum be and go off for fun things to do so mum can have some peace. I bet this isn’t the first time and that’s why she’s pissed off with you.

As we joined the queue, I asked DD is she wanted to wait in the queue with DW or if she wanted to visit a few shops with me & DS.

You gave Dd the choice and left her there… it was obvious that she would get bored and your wife’s massage would be sabotaged.

Could it be that your wife feels that she never gets a moment to herself? That you never take full responsibility for both kids?

I think your bigger problem is a wife that can stay moody about something for days. This is not ok behaviour.