To think it’s poor form for giving bad news over text?

[Ivorymoon]

DH was given some shocking and upsetting news over the weekend, which was delivered from his DM via text. He received this message just before we were going into a health appointment for our baby, so it was terrible timing. He had no idea that he was going to receive such news, otherwise he would not have checked his messages at that time.

My own DM has form for giving me bad news over text, including informing me that she had cancer and when family members have died. Admittedly I do message people more than I call them, however any potentially upsetting news I will call instead. I am mindful that someone could be at work / at an appointment/ not in a position to receive bad news, and opening a message with no prior warning can be very distressing. At least over the phone you can make sure that the recipient is in a position to take the call.

I can see how it could be easier for the deliverer of bad news to text instead as it means they do not have to deal with any emotional reaction they would get over the phone. It’s quite avoidant and lacking care and consideration for the recipient IMO.

AIBU to think giving someone bad news via text is poor form and should be done over the phone instead? Ideally this would happen in person but this often isn’t possible for a multitude of reasons.

He had no idea that he was going to receive such news, otherwise he would not have checked his messages at that time
What a strange way to look at it, should she have sent a msg saying I'm about to send you bad news?

I would be the same - I would know that there was bad news coming and I'd be beside myself until I got the call. I wouldn't be able to take much in from the appointment for example.

That's exactly what I was thinking. Sometimes, it just isn't possible to get the words out.

I'd like to think people have enough empathy not to criticise, but this thread seems to suggest not.

Most people don't have strange rigid rules on what a text can be used for though, they are a method of communicating literally anything, how do expect senders to be aware of your very unusual views?

I think you're getting all these responses because you've been vague about the news DH received, but gave an example about your DM telling you she had cancer.

I personally think the consideration should be given to the person who the news impacts most, so in your DM's case she can break her own awful news whichever way she can cope with best.

I'm very sorry about your bad news and I hope you and your family are doing ok.

Am I also the only one thinking that if MIL knew about the appointment, but perhaps not the exact time, she may have thought it best NOT to ring?

I'm sorry you and your DH are upset OP and are clearly dealing with difficult news, but I would counsel that you perhaps shouldn't be angry with the messenger or the mode of delivery?

We have a family member going through palliative care right now. All communication with their partner is via text.

Means that they can text at a time convenient for them and most importantly do it once rather than repeating the same news multiple times on multiple phonecalls

Also texts to them can be read at a time convenient for them.

As I hope you have learned from this thread OP every situation is different when it comes to sad (and also good) news

I'm with you OP.

When my DP died I was in bits but I still rang every one of those closest to him and started the call with asking those who I knew would be most affected if it was convenient to talk. He'd been in hospital three weeks and the outlook wasn't good so they knew if I was calling it wasn't a happy call.

The problem with a text for news like that for me is that if I received one and it was something devastating it would make me feel very alone. At least you have another human on the end of the phone line to share distress with and it's a connection.

But that's me and other people feel differently.

Sending solidarity anyway x

Maybe tell us this news? looks like another way for you to dislike your MIL, even your style of writing is very uptight.

My lovely sil tends to send her bad news by text in the evening.
This is fine, and sad, but we have time to process it, she doesn't have to carry our emotional load or support us. We can just get ourselves together and respond and try and support her.

My brother texted me first thing to say my dad had died. Honestly, he'd been very ill and wasn't a very nice man. It meant I could process it, send back a thoughtful, appropriate response and everyone who was upset could carry on being like that without switching their emotions to my lack of tears.

A few years ago my mum sent me a very detailed nasty letter in the post, pointing out the many ways I'd let her down. It was delayed, grabbed from the post box and read on the way to the airport. I never acknowledged or responded to it.
I still have it, reread it every now and then. Each time I do, it puts a little more distance between us.
By writing a lengthy letter it assumes more importance, if it had been a discussion it would have faded into a memory alongside lots of good and bad experiences and events over many years.

Thank you! I also thought there was an etiquette. It absolutely matters how the bad news is received. A bit of consideration goes a long way.

Then don’t participate.

Thank you, I feel the same. A simple text asking for a call back can make so much difference. My mum sounds remarkably similar to yours, I’m sorry you’ve had these experiences!

Undoubtedly my experiences with my mum have influenced my views on how my DH received the news the other day.

There are worse ways. As outlined in people’s responses here.

No she should have called to check he was in the position to receive shocking news, not about to go into a health appointment for our baby. Read the OP.

I do hope your DH is ok @Ivorymoon

I think you need to bear in mind that each person involved, both the sender and receiver of the news, will have their own preferences, and sometimes those will not align. And as long as there is no malice aforethought, just appreciate that everyone is doing their best.

It's very difficult to really answer with only part of the story.

I do think though when it's a mother/son situation a phone call would have been more the norm. I cant imagine giving any kind of bad news to my close family by text

When my Dad died I phoned the 'important' people to tell them in person. Yes it's incredibly hard, emotional & draining but it has to be done. Colleagues and wider family & friends were messaged because there was only so many times I could bring myself to say he'd died. Likewise I've heard about the death of people via text but it's been acquaintances or the family of friends

IMO there is definitely a place for delivering bad news via text but I think in this situation his Mum should have phoned

If the news is that bad, does it matter how it was received?

Sounds to me like you’re upset and looking for something/someone to blame.

You seem intent on ascribing bad intent on the actions of your MiL. I’m assuming there’s a back story? If not, just forget it and concentrate on the impact of the news rather than how it was delivered.

Sounds like you and your mil are two different people and have different ways of doing things.

I am assuming that a friend of your dh has died as you say that it does not impact your mil (Could be totally wrong, though.)

Honestly, sounds like she may not have realised how upset he would have been. In all honesty, she probably would have blurted out the news anyway before your dh could have put her off so he would be upset either way.

I think you need to get over how the news was delivered and start focusinfmgvon supporting your husband.

But then you are prioritising YOU & DH environmental factors (an appointment) and feelings over the ones delivering the news? Surely??

I've delivered and seen delivered bad news many times (ex nurse). The times when someone can't be contacted, not answering etc is bad for the person calling, the spouse of the dying spouse in the hospital calling their child/sibling to let them know to come or the nurse of the poorly patient, especially if its life or death "come now" type news.

It all depends on a multitude of factors
"what" the news is,
who is delivering the message,
how critical that message is,
how upsetting that message will be.
how far away is the caller?
How old are they
How sick are they
Are they alone?

A multitude of considerations are made as to whether its call or text...

I found out I had cancer on a Wednesday. I took a few days to process it myself and then on the Saturday I drove 200 miles and told my dad in person. I would not deliver that kind of news over the phone or text.

I think it’s fair to have an adult conversation about serious matters.

Yes I am. As I’ve clearly stated, the bad news affected my DH more than his mother. One poster asked whether a close friend of DH had died, it is along those lines. So while of course his mother would have understandably been upset for her son, her son is going to be more directly impacted and distressed.

Thanks for your response. I hope you have made a full recovery.

I don't think that is any better. I would be so worked up about phoning and what the clearly bad news was that I would be unable to concentrate on anything.

Personally I'd prefer to get a text to give me time to process it, especially rather than have a message like that which would stress me out, and then I'd have to phone back too..

It really depends.

Texting ‘Hi, I’ve just heard from Sarah and Auntie Mary has passed away. Just letting you know. X

That’s fine!

Texting ‘Your Dad’s dead’ is not fine.