To think it’s poor form for giving bad news over text?

[Ivorymoon]

DH was given some shocking and upsetting news over the weekend, which was delivered from his DM via text. He received this message just before we were going into a health appointment for our baby, so it was terrible timing. He had no idea that he was going to receive such news, otherwise he would not have checked his messages at that time.

My own DM has form for giving me bad news over text, including informing me that she had cancer and when family members have died. Admittedly I do message people more than I call them, however any potentially upsetting news I will call instead. I am mindful that someone could be at work / at an appointment/ not in a position to receive bad news, and opening a message with no prior warning can be very distressing. At least over the phone you can make sure that the recipient is in a position to take the call.

I can see how it could be easier for the deliverer of bad news to text instead as it means they do not have to deal with any emotional reaction they would get over the phone. It’s quite avoidant and lacking care and consideration for the recipient IMO.

AIBU to think giving someone bad news via text is poor form and should be done over the phone instead? Ideally this would happen in person but this often isn’t possible for a multitude of reasons.

You are absolutely right. I’ll add to that nasty text messages. You have no idea of the timing of those messages. You might write something horrible and hit that person at an incredibly low ebb.

so you're saying that firstly, the mother would have been able to ask if he was good to talk in an emotionless way that didn't pique the interest as to what was up?

and secondly, your DH wouldn't be then "what's up, tell me? what's happened?"

because I think if I received a call asking me if I was OK to talk from anyone other than a recruiter, I'd be wondering what they wanted to call me for?

There is no etiquette around the delivery of bad news - it all depends on the people involved and the situation involved. I found out that my sister had died because I rang her at home and my BIL had to tell me that she'd had a car crash and died. I doubt he wanted to have that conversation at that point but he couldn't do anything else because he had no choice. And he couldn't drive down to tell me because, apart from the fact that he couldn't drive, he was in no fit state to do so. The police went round to tell my parents in person because it was passed on to them by my BIL's local force who'd dealt with the crash. I was in no state to tell them because, although I drove straight over to them (fairly local, but I doubt I should have been driving) I had none of the facts - all I'd taken in was that she was dead. As it was they didn't get a clear story from the police at that point - didn't get that till we drove down to BIL. So what was the correct etiquette there? Should BIL have fobbed me off until the police had told my parents? Should he have got someone to drive him to us (parents first or me first?) so he could tell us in person? Should he have texted us to say could we pop down (the 2 hour trip) when convenient?
It all depends on the circumstances, the person delivering the bad news and the person receiving it. There is no etiquette. Your preferences are just that - yours.

your DM had cancer, but it was all about your feelings and the way she chose to break it to you???

Depends on the age. As my parents point out when they were growing up bad news was a telegram or letter. A text is no different really, just arrives faster.

Also, are you really suggesting that if someone has received awful news they should be checking you’re sitting comfortably to receive it?

Only for many that’s even more anxiety inducing.

He wouldn’t have answered because he was going into an appointment, that’s the point. He would have called her back afterwards when he was in a position to talk.

No I’m suggesting they should be checking they aren’t about to attend an appointment for their baby or something as equally as important, such as a big exam as outlined by another poster.

I’d prefer a text.

I primarily speak to my parents over text, so when my mum messages to me set up a call I know someone has died or is very ill, so I'd rather she just tell me via text and get it over with rather than wait for the appointed call.

I understand why people do it, as it's a lot easier to do via text, takes some of the emotion out it for them, but I also see if from the other side.
My mum text me when I was at work saying "I have cancer"
I opened it, as she texts me nonsense all the time, so I wouldn't think anything of opening a text from her. Obviously it wasn't the nonsense text I was expecting and I burst in to tears in the middle of the office and had to tell my boss before I'd had time to process it myself.
My mum then phoned and hour later and said "I hope you aren't upset?" as if it was a total non event.

if it was a bereavement I would prefer a phone call over text but I would be very aware it could be too much for the person delivering the message and they couldn't call, so wouldn't be upset if they texted.

Still can't work out what could be earth shattering news for DH that wouldn't also impact MIL. So until you explain that I stand by MIL was protecting herself and you are being the selfish one.

I've had a cancer diagnosis and messaged to tell close family and friends. It was much easier for me to do that and not have to deal with other people's emotions and upset when I was already dealing with my own.

Maybe your mum felt the same way? And on this occasion, even though she's your mum, she didn't want to put your feelings ahead of hers?

It depends on the news. If the person sharing the news is more deeply affected than the person hearing the news (eg I've got cancer, or my child has died) and the recipient is not one of the 3 or 4 closest people then yabu - it's incredibly draining to have those conversations over and over again. Ideally after the first 3, the person giving the news shouldn't have ro do it again so should either appoint one of those first 3 to make a few further calls on their behalf (including commissioning them to call the next 3) or revert to text.

But that’s not how it works in real life with shocking news. The messenger will be in a heightened state of shock or anxiety and building up the courage to share devastating news is hard. Sorry it disrupted your baby’s dr appointment but I’m sure you didn’t not go to it so no harm done. Maybe spend the time supporting your husband rather than browsing mumsnet and bitching about the message delivery mechanism

Hard to comment without an idea of that the bad news was. You suggest it wasn’t a bereavement or cancer diagnosis, so not sure why sending a text should have been an issue.

He didn’t have to read a text prior to going into a baby appointment.

Think there is an issue in that people seem to feel they have to read texts immediately when, just like letting calls go to voicemail and checking content or choosing to check email, this can be done later at a convenient time. Texter (or anyone) isn’t clairvoyant so can’t ‘time’ a text according to unknown schedule of the recipient. My MiL isn’t wedded to her phone and checks it a couple of times a day, so probably assumed OP’s DH did the same.

Hang on... why didn't his own mother know about this very important hospital health appointment for her grandchild anyway? I would absolutely have told my mother about something like this.

I'd prefer a phone call for things relating to a close family member and have called when I was the bearer of the news, but OP, have you ever had to make those calls? Can you imagine being devastated and making 5, 10, 15 of those calls?!

I'd prefer a phone call for things relating to a close family member and have called when I was the bearer of the news, but OP, have you ever had to make those calls? Can you imagine being devastated and making 5, 10, 15 of those calls?!

Thanks for your reply, sorry to hear you have experienced the same. I had an almost identical situation with my own mother. I hope your mum is doing well now.

I don’t suppose I would be able to manage a conversation if I lost someone I loved. I would ask someone else to call for me or send a text on my behalf. Frankly, wouldn’t care if that was “poor form”.

@Ivorymoon

as has already been explained to you many times and as I said. His Mum has the right to put her needs first. She has the right to communicate the news in a way & time that upsets her the least.

its not all about your feelings about your DH being upset by it.

Sorry my thread has evidently upset you so much. Don’t feel the need to return.

RTFT.

She did. RTFT.