To think it’s poor form for giving bad news over text?

[Ivorymoon]

DH was given some shocking and upsetting news over the weekend, which was delivered from his DM via text. He received this message just before we were going into a health appointment for our baby, so it was terrible timing. He had no idea that he was going to receive such news, otherwise he would not have checked his messages at that time.

My own DM has form for giving me bad news over text, including informing me that she had cancer and when family members have died. Admittedly I do message people more than I call them, however any potentially upsetting news I will call instead. I am mindful that someone could be at work / at an appointment/ not in a position to receive bad news, and opening a message with no prior warning can be very distressing. At least over the phone you can make sure that the recipient is in a position to take the call.

I can see how it could be easier for the deliverer of bad news to text instead as it means they do not have to deal with any emotional reaction they would get over the phone. It’s quite avoidant and lacking care and consideration for the recipient IMO.

AIBU to think giving someone bad news via text is poor form and should be done over the phone instead? Ideally this would happen in person but this often isn’t possible for a multitude of reasons.

It's also likely to get you panicking that a worse scenario than the actual one has occurred which could be more distressing if the news isn't anticipated at some point.

In most circumstances I think it's insensitive yes.
In some situations like relaying information back and fourth in a hospital or poor phone signal it's easier but in most circumstances its just insensitive and feels tick box like right well that's x told onto the next thing.

I've also seen the damage to relationships caused by delivering news this way and my SIL still barely speaks to her mum as a result.

I am with you OP. I was 1 minute off finding out my mother had died on facebook. She died at 2 am and my sister called our brother who decided to put it up on facebook in our wider family group. this resulted in cousins who were close to our mother found out this way.

Stepdad and sister had decided to wait until the morning to call me and when they called I was in bed with a cup of tea and I had just pulled up facebook. Had they called 1 minute later I would have found out on facebook rather than from my sister/stepdad.

I also understand the argument that it can be easier if you are directly affected.

If I’m giving bad new to someone near to I prefer to give it face to face. If they live a fair distance away I’ll give it to their partner/ spouse so that they can pass the news on as they are the closest to them and could handle it better. In your situation she could have rang you and you could have told your husband at an appropriate time.

I'm with you OP, have just had to tell someone close to me to stop telling me bad news over texts, it totally throws me and I don't have time to deal with it in the appropriate way.. Had they rung at those times I would not have answered, I'd gave returned the call at a better time and also been better prepared to hear the news.. I also think when someone rings to deliver bad news you can hear it in their voice so have that moment to prepare for something bad coming.. And then obviously have someone on the other end to talk it through with instead of a silent phone..

I think a text is fine. I suggest you/your DH mute notifications if you are feel conflicted with other important things happening.

Calling around relatives after my mother's dead was horrific. Some people were so selfish, having no thought beyond themselves.

My own DM has form for giving me bad news over text, including informing me that she had cancer -this was your mum's news to deal with as she wished.

Depends on what the news was and what the appt for your LO was for. Hope your baby is ok.

MississippiAF

Yes, bad news on FB is better than texting. IMO.

I found out my grandad died over Facebook. I'd rather have found out by text.

This 100%

Agree 100% - i would obly ever send texts if someone is primed for reeivjbg bad news that way e.g. if your mum rang to say your dad is in hospital, hes very unwell, will text you any news and then sends a text saying get here now, it's not looking good.

People talking about making loads of phone calls could you not just do a phone tree? Obviously there's a handful of people you'd need to call direct but people can call others for you e.g. husband's mother or brother could contact his side of the family to break news of his death. Agree also with calling partners to break bad news where feasible/appropriate. I've had to do that before.

Also all those posters saying it's not about the recipient - why on earth not? It's about mutual care for the feelings of others. Just because it's impossibly hard for you to break the news doesn't mean it's not horrendously hard to hear.

The person giving the bad news may be too distressed to talk. A text is less distressing.

I so agree with this. I had to ring round and tell people my dad had unexpectedly died.
It was unbearable. I kept breaking down in tears and was unable to continue talking. I felt sick before each call.

Having had to be the sender and receiver, I am afraid that there never is a good way to share bad news. We have a family agreement that we do not share bed news in the evening, so that people can have a good night's sleep to tackle it the next day. I am sorry that your husband has been upset and hope that your appointment went well.

Timely thread. Received a text late yesterday evening that a friend, who had been quite ill for a long time, has died. It was much easier to receive a text, as talking at such times is very difficult and emotional. But others may prefer phone calls, so there is probably no ideal way to relate difficult news.

“There is no right or wrong for the person giving or receiving the news, you can 'yeah but what about this' all you want there is no clear cut answer”

This.

Hate it my MIL messaged to ask me to tell my DH his father was dying 5 days after our ds was born. To this day I have no idea why she and my SIL thought that was the best way to deliver that particular bit of news!!

My rule for this, and at work too, is "No bad news by e-mail or text" unless it's absolutely unavoidable. How is the recipient meant to react -- with a 💩 emoji? It's like turning up to a funeral in a t-shirt and jeans.

“I've both delivered and received devastating news. There's just no nice way or time for it to be done. You can pick apart how you would prefer to have it done but it changes nothing. If it had have been after the appointment you'd be thinking I wish she told me a different day so we wouldn't link this memory with our appointment. I hope your husband is coping alright.”

This. You seem to want to be angry with your MIL about this - and you’re very dismissive of people on this thread who disagree with you - but surely it’s the fact that it’s very upsetting news which is the true source of the upset. You also seem to be very concerned about your own feelings about things without considering other people’s - your mum’s cancer diagnosis was as much about her as you. And as PPs have said - if I got a text asking when I could be available for a call to deliver some news, I wouldn’t be able to think straight until I’d spoken to them anyway. Hope your DH is doing okay. Congratulations on your pregnancy.

YABU - its not rude, just different to your preference.

I would always prefer to get bad news over a text - that way I can work out how I feel about it and process it before having to speak to anyone about it. I really wouldn't like to be phoned and given bad news as then I have no time to think and often have to 'perform' to the person giving the news that Im ok etc etc.

People are different - you think texting news is rude, I think phoning me with it is worse as I want to process it on my own without an audience (the person calling me).

As you are so upset by the texting approach, I think you need to speak to close family and explain that from now on if any more bad news needs to come your way you would prefer a telephone call. They are not mind readers and I assume wouldnt have known that you find this way distressing as many people prefer it.

Why on earth are you being so nasty to everyone?

Family members certainly by phone or face to face. I would not expect it from friends but be grateful if it was a phone call.

My friend had to call.me to tell.me my.partner had taken.his own.life. It was traumatic for us both. It still is. I think a text would have been easier for her, not that she would have used a text, but worse for me. She said it was one of the hardest things she has ever had to do.

I think it depends on the situation. ExH emailed me news about an unexpected death very close to me, which I of course saw immediately as the notification popped up on my screen - quite literally "So sorry, xxx has died :(" and had to choke back tears until I finished the phone call I was halfway through with a client.
I think it depends on severity of news and if that person, like me, will receive it in the middle of work or another situation where they have to try to carry on whilst being completely distraught.

He should not have messages just pop up if he is not opening them.
You just want his mother to have it done by a phone call, with some kind of warning, at a more convenient time. You cant have a control of his mothers thinking.

Is your DH actually annoyed about getting a text rather than a phone call?