To think it’s poor form for giving bad news over text?

[Ivorymoon]

DH was given some shocking and upsetting news over the weekend, which was delivered from his DM via text. He received this message just before we were going into a health appointment for our baby, so it was terrible timing. He had no idea that he was going to receive such news, otherwise he would not have checked his messages at that time.

My own DM has form for giving me bad news over text, including informing me that she had cancer and when family members have died. Admittedly I do message people more than I call them, however any potentially upsetting news I will call instead. I am mindful that someone could be at work / at an appointment/ not in a position to receive bad news, and opening a message with no prior warning can be very distressing. At least over the phone you can make sure that the recipient is in a position to take the call.

I can see how it could be easier for the deliverer of bad news to text instead as it means they do not have to deal with any emotional reaction they would get over the phone. It’s quite avoidant and lacking care and consideration for the recipient IMO.

AIBU to think giving someone bad news via text is poor form and should be done over the phone instead? Ideally this would happen in person but this often isn’t possible for a multitude of reasons.

To check we were going into the right building, yes. The message preview popped up as he was doing this. It is really not at all difficult to understand this.

Why doesn’t your DH just not look at his texts when he’s doing Something Very Important?

So much projection going on in the thread, fascinating!

Oh OP.... we aren't ALL projecting. Which can only mean one thing. You are wrong.

Evidently not when over 50% of respondents agree with me.

OP do you think your MIL understood the effect the news would have on your DH? Some people are really quite insensitive and don't understand how upsetting a piece of news can be to someone else, if it's not particularly upsetting to themselves, if that makes sense?

A relative if mine sent me a 'by the way' type of message some years ago and it was something that very much upset me, but they weren't particularly bothered by.

she was the messenger for shocking news in relation to my DH only. People keep missing this fundamental point.

I don't think that people are missing this-perhaps finding it difficult to understand how/why such bad news went via his mum?

And why if she has "form" he was reading her text at such a time?

Thank you, yes it was absolutely this. It was life changing information but I don’t think MIL fully recognised how upsetting it would be. DH had to go and cry in the hospital toilet. MIL is not at all malicious, just did not give the situation as much thought as we would have liked.

IMO there is never good timing to give bad news. Text is better for me because I don't like phone call much.

I hate it.

I'm a secondary school teacher. I've had to deal with pupils becoming (understandably) hysterical after idiot parents have texted them to say that family members have died.

I think it depends upon what the “health appointment” for your baby entailed.

Baby has suspected cancer; that should take top priority over any other bad news MIL may need to deliver. Routine/bog standard 3/6/12 month developmental check; no special consideration needed.

LOL at this thread. No matter what answers the OP receives, her view is the correct one. What's the point in posting??

For what it's worth, I'd prefer a text and no, I don't read texts if my attention is focused on something else like an appointment.

Why was it such awful timing just because you were going into a health appointment with your baby? Surely the appt still went ahead and any treatments, assessments could still be carried out, questions asked (by yourself if your DH was upset) and so on. I could understand it if you were stood at back of church waiting to walk up the aisle or ilk. Unless of course it was bad news about a genetic condition that could impact your baby's health in some way...but even then l'd imagine it would be better to make that known before you went in.

I think it also depends on what kind of appointment you were taking your baby to.

If it was a routine one, then it's not so bad.

If it's for serious health concerns where you both really need to be listening and supporting each other, then she should have waited, given she knew about it.

It’s awful thing to do. No real communication. You are just left to deal with the shock and confusion, and distress completely on your own.

Somebody once left me a shocking piece of news about an acquaintance on my answerphone.

I actually went into the bathroom and vomited straight afterwards - that would not have happened if they had spoken to me and we had exchanged a few words at least.

It’s a totally non-human way of dealing with things, to leave these kinds of shocking news messages by text etc.

But I honestly wonder if half the population is even human.

I get what you’re saying OP. If I was going to deliver bad news to someone that mainly affected them, not me, I would at the very least ask them if they were at home. If they were out, I’d simply say “Ok let me know once you’re home” or something along those lines.

It sounds like his mum just casually texted “Hi DH, just to let you know [insert terrible news]”. It could have been handled a bit more sensitively I think.

I’d feel differently perhaps if it affected his mum too and she was in shock/upset but your post implies this is not the case.

It is poor form - see also, email. As you’ve evidenced, you just can’t be sure of what the person receiving that text/email is doing or feeling at that moment, and you’re not giving them the opportunity to talk about it or receive the proper support. A telephone call is much more appropriate - plus you can ask the person receiving the call whether they are in a position to talk or whether they would like to meet up.

If it was, as you say, a long the lines of something similar to your DH's friend dying, yes I think your MIL was extremely inconsiderate and tactless.

Depends on so many variables. One thing people don't mention though is that people might feel pressured by the thought that a person might find out another way like by social media or through someone less close to them and be upset to hear that way. I have a situation recently in mind where "news" was circulated so quickly by various channels that it took people by surprise. His mother might have been concerned he might hear elsewhere and it was better he knew quickly from herself.

But only you know the characters of the people involved. I don't think in this fast-changing world that some previous etiquettes really can be followed in a general sense. It's all specific to circumstances surely? The thought of driving hundreds of miles to deliver a message in person which is so understandable that someone outlined above, can only be done in very very rare cases where you would be certain they wouldn't hear from another source. In a lot of cases, people might well hear off social media or from more distant family or friends almost immediately or very very fast. If someone distant tells something to someone closer it can be an awful feeling and the person might blame their close relatives for not telling them immediately. This has probably changed the way a lot of people tell people bad news. It's also possible to be considerate and think you're doing the right thing, and get it wrong. I'd be forgiving unless you have other reasons to be getting annoyed.

I would in her circumstances have sent a text to say can you phone me as soon as you have a chance, please? That way it's clear it's important but he could phone from a private place or when not in an appointment.

But it's easy to think of these things in hindsight.

DH was informed by sibling by text that MiL had died. It was the best method. We were on holiday so any timing was awful. We picked up the message that she'd developed new symptoms at the end of a boat trip. By the time we'd got back to the beach near our accomodation, she'd slipped away. Text saved managing an awkward speaker-phone call while driving and meant we could send the DCs onto the beach to play for 15 mins while DH and I collected ourselves and worked out how/ when to tell the DCs and organise a conference call with his siblings. Then work out logistics of cutting our holiday short and travel to his family on a tight timescale for the funeral. It also meant no top trumps on order of finding out between multiple siblings.

A couple of months later I had an answerphone message on the landline informing me of the unexpected news of my cousin's suicide. Due to the phone wires and location of the handset, I'd missed the message for a couple of days. My relative's voice was so choked up on the message it took 5-6 replays to make sense of what it was saying and who it was about before I could phone back and appologise profusely for the delay.

Playing at guessing games and call backs is not good when it's obvious ftom context/ tone that bad news is arriving at a worse than typical time. Bad news often travels fast too, so the reliability of text can mean getting ahead of interference by social media if you're faffing around trying to match mutually compatible times.

DH was recently kept up-to-date on DC's health resulting in emergency surgery by texts because it was more practical in a noisy environment than phoning.

Text is not a universally bad way to find out, and worse methods are avaliable.

Sorry you’re going through it at the moment. People on here are deliberately arguing about every little thing for no bloody reason atm.
I agree that there is a right and a wrong way to communicate this kind of thing, and a bit of sensitivity can go a very long way.
I have a very large and very dysfunctional family. I was recently hit with an extremely upsetting “Oh, by the way, did you hear about X?” bombshell of a
conversation via Bluetooth when I had a carful of teenagers that did not need the gory details, etc, or to witness me needing to pull over so that I could have my own traumatised reaction. (I hyperventilated for a bit, threw up and burst into tears. Scared my kid a hell of a lot!). When I came to my senses, I sent an SOS message to my cousin and his partner (We’re all very, very close) stating “Have just had some really, really upsetting news. You’re going to be upset too. Whatever you do, don’t pick up the phone to any family except me or your Mum. I’ll be home by X:00. Call me or text me when you want to speak. I would feel better if Vicky (not real name) is there and you’re in a place where you can safely react.” *Obviously I would have preferred to have had that conversation in person but we live too far apart. He had avoided several phone calls from the person who had informed me, and a heap of other relatives who were circling like schadenfreude-filled vultures around a carcass. Horrible people.

Yeah, good point - I heard about my uncle's death this way because people were so fricking eager to spread the news on social and not give family a chance to ring round. 🙄

I was going to say was it possible that he could have found out by other means, because surely DH can’t be the only person in the world this impacts?

"I need to talk to you urgently. Please can you let me know as soon as you get this when it's possible to have the conversation?"

Thank you, some good sense here

If one of my family sent that text I would immediately think there was bad news and call them. No one sends a text like that for good news.

I dumped someone by text once. I feel justified as I had invited him over, they had come but in a clear rush to get going again. The reason I wanted to see him face to face, which I made clear at the time, was whether we could keep going this way because he wasn't making time for me or being affectionate. He literally walked off down my path without looking back after I said "I think if you go now we have our answer". He gave me so much crap for it, told everyone I dumped him by text and how bad it was etc, but I honestly feel he just wanted me to be the one to pull the plug at that point.