To think it’s poor form for giving bad news over text?

[Ivorymoon]

DH was given some shocking and upsetting news over the weekend, which was delivered from his DM via text. He received this message just before we were going into a health appointment for our baby, so it was terrible timing. He had no idea that he was going to receive such news, otherwise he would not have checked his messages at that time.

My own DM has form for giving me bad news over text, including informing me that she had cancer and when family members have died. Admittedly I do message people more than I call them, however any potentially upsetting news I will call instead. I am mindful that someone could be at work / at an appointment/ not in a position to receive bad news, and opening a message with no prior warning can be very distressing. At least over the phone you can make sure that the recipient is in a position to take the call.

I can see how it could be easier for the deliverer of bad news to text instead as it means they do not have to deal with any emotional reaction they would get over the phone. It’s quite avoidant and lacking care and consideration for the recipient IMO.

AIBU to think giving someone bad news via text is poor form and should be done over the phone instead? Ideally this would happen in person but this often isn’t possible for a multitude of reasons.

I'd rather get a text, because then I have the time to process whatever has been said, plus I don't have to immediately react on the spot. I think you have to remember, also, that it's difficult for the person breaking the news. Does it really matter how you hear, so long as you get the facts?

You really think he wouldn't have picked up on there being something wrong from her voice?

I think its more important that the bearer of bad news delivers it in a way which causes as little distress to them as possible when it is something personal to them.

Someone mentioned their mother telling them by text that they had cancer. Clearly more upsetting for the mother.

This is very entitled

I agree. I'd probably prefer a text to warn me - need to talk to you on the phone sometime, let me know when is a good time / phone me back as soon as you can.

I can understand if someone has a lot of people to tell, a message is less painful for them, but in that case (in examples i can think of) often someone else takes over that role and phones round.

If this isn't possible, an email with a clear title 'sad news' type of thing to prepare the reader.

It's really really difficult getting bad news via text. My friend lost her baby very late in pregnancy and I found out by group Whatsapp (from another friend) on DD's 4th birthday. It was devastating news and I struggled to get through the day of birthday celebrations and be emotionally present - I KNOW this is selfish but this happened 8 years ago and I still remember the impact.

Very sure, yes. I’m giving succinct responses as I can’t be bothered replying to people who haven’t been bothered to read the full thread.

His mother knew the day and time of our babies appointment. Thanks for your input.

You must have excellent NHS facilities in your area because I can wait hours to be seen here. Good to realise that some parts of the NHS are functioning so well though.

I'm not sure it is any worse than the phone call to the landline just after 6pm from parents. It was the only time they ever phoned and if it wasn't a birthday, you knew someone had died or was in hospital.

I think in these situations a quick text to say, 'are you free to talk? I really need to speak to you' or something like that, shows it's important but also gives the recipient a chance to reply and say yes, or not right at this second, give me half an hour.

I tend to agree with you, OP. Not sure why you are getting such a hard time on here from some.

I'm not comfortable giving that sort of news by text/WhatsApp/messenger. It just feels too impersonal.

If there is no other way then I will text/WhatsApp someone asking them to call me or let me know when it is a convenient and private moment to speak to them, but that's it.

When my DD1 was a uni student I had to get hold of her to advise as gently as possible that my MIL (her grandma) had died. I couldn't risk calling or messaging while she was potentially in lectures so I had to message just asking her to phone me at a convenient moment that morning, which she did. There was no other way as her uni was not near our house, so couldn't meet in person. I know DD suspected what it would be about because it had been on the cards for the last couple of years, so it was upsetting without being totally unexpected. We then did keep in contact by WhatsApp, phone or whatever was convenient about the funeral arrangements.

I always text to say please call me ASAP as I have something urgent to speak with you about. So I give them a heads up that there is important information I have to convey.

I bet you wouldn’t be so annoyed if it was your own mother delivering bad news.

But as it’s your MIL, naturally, whatever she does is plain wrong. 🤦🏻‍♀️

I guess it is all very situation specific.

It is. DP’s aunt died recently, her son called DP and was in pieces, no way could he have called and spoken with everyone who needed to be told. DP called his cousin to let her know. I called another cousin to tell her, but the son had already texted her. As I say, he couldn’t have called everyone, but DP and I could, so we did.

I do think calling is preferable, so you can check that the recipient is able to talk/receive the news, but the person who is most affected has to put themself and their needs first.

There is literally no way of doing that.

depends on situation-as youve decscribed i would have waited then called later

if i had to tell multiple people i would prefer a text

Completely depends on the situation.

When my Dad died I mass messaged most family. I couldn't speak. I was ranging from crying so much I vomited and feeling frozen.

I was however responsible for delivering the news to the family though, so I did it in the easiest way for me. I absolutely could not have done individual phone calls to about 20 people.

I can't say that the communication preferences of the recipients was on my radar at the time.

I think this fully depends on the person giving the bad news and the person receiving it. Close family members/close friends giving bad news I would expect a phone call. Anyone else and I think a text would be okay.

My step mother text me from my dad's phone to tell me that he had died. I was very close to my dad and my step mother always disliked our relationship, it felt like that was her final way to make me feel shit. I was heartbroken. I'll never forgive her for not even giving me the courtesy of a phone call.

Me too.

What a bizarre and incorrect assumption. So much projection going on in the thread, fascinating!

I agree.

…They can literally pick up the phone and ask. I don’t know what else I can do to help with your evidently lacking comprehension and problem solving skills.

A couple of years ago I would have agreed, but when I was diagnosed with cancer I messaged friends to tell them. I didn't want to go into detail, I didn't really want to talk about it much I just wanted to let people I cared about know. I did call my sister though.

That’s understandable. I hope you have made a full recovery.

In this specific situation it is very different as my MIL was not sharing news about herself, she was the messenger for shocking news in relation to my DH only. People keep missing this fundamental point. MIL was not sharing devastating news about herself, nor did she have to inform anyone other than DH.

sorry that you’ve experienced not one but 2 horrific losses. Just wanted to acknowledge your post

So you were both with your baby, about to go into an appointment & he was checking his phone.

Tbh I don't get that!