In-laws still serve me food they know I don't like

[spotlightq]

Husband and I have been married for 7 years, together 9. I have been a vegetarian the entire time.

Every time we come here to eat, I'll be offered/given something containing meat. I have to then feel rude and say no thank you.

For example yesterday the peas were ready prepared with mint and bloody pancetta. My plate was dished up for me, so I ended up having to leave a load of food on my plate. It looks rude from my side, but I think it's rude of them.

How hard is it!

@toastofthetown not sure if I'm being really dim but what is EVOO? 🙃

What exactly do you want from this post?

Various posters have explained what they would do, from leaving, to having your husband explain beforehand, to having your husband (or you!) speak up for yourself at the time.

You don't want to do any of these things, just complain how 'ridiculous' everyone's suggestions are.

Either put up and shut up. Or do something about it 🤷‍♀️

I’d just take your own meal @spotlightq . Set a precedent, just explaining truthfully that you find it awkward when you can’t eat the food with meat in it, and so it’s easier for everyone if you just bring something

It could be worse.

DHs longstanding (vegetarian!) friend of 30ish years told me that MIL once cooked her a pepperoni pizza as she genuinely thought pepperoni was vegetarian. She politely declined!

Oh ffs. 'As you know, I dont eat meat, so I've brought sandwiches'.

I'm a bit shocked by some of the replies on this thread. I'm a lifelong meat eater but if I invite someone to my house for a meal, the. I'll make sure I cook food that they can eat. My daughter was a vegetarian and vegan at different times in her teens and early 20s and it was a real pain at times making sure that I didn't inadvertently give her food containing things that she couldn't eat, but I got used to cooking different food for her and adapted. When she met her husband, who is a Muslim, and later converted, it meant another change to accommodate their dietary requirements, but it's been perfectly easy to cater for them once I had bothered to find out what they could and couldn't eat.

I don't see being a vegetarian as being fussy at all and it's just basic respect not to give a guest in your house something that you know they can't eat. But I also don't think it's practical at all for the OP to refuse to go to her in laws as some people are suggesting. I think I would try to find an opportunity to have a chat with her mother in law about vegetarianism and why it's an isssue to eat things like potatoes cooked in goose fat. I do think her husband should maybe remind his mum that she's a vegetarian before each visit.

Stop being such a mug! Just refuse to eat there anymore. They’ll soon get the message.

Yeah I rolled my eyes at that reply.

Have they forgotten you’re a vegetarian?

Next time you go, I’d actually say “Apologies I can’t eat these peas as they have meat in them”. See what their reaction is.

Simple solution to this is for your DH to remind them you are vegetarian at the time he arranges the visit and another reminder nearer the time and explain the awkwardness for you when they forget. Bring a ready meal as a back up and keep doing this every time until it sinks in with them.

It doesn't sound like they doing it to spite you, just poor communication and lack of thought. DH needs to advocate for you.

Sorry op I think you and dp are being massively wet here.
I'd suggest: the day before, calling or even better texting them 'have you remembered this time that op is veggie so therefore won't be eating meat products - including side dishes - can you accommodate this or do we need to bring something'
They will say yes or no they can't accommodate it. If they say yes then serve you meat you can politely remind them of the conversation yesterday and ask what's changed in the last 24h.
Do this every single time till they get the hint.
Stop being so passive.

Your husband is unsupportive.

His parents are insulting his wife at every meal they serve.

This over sensitive business is nonsense. What it means is they will have a tantrum if anyone dares to address their poor behaviour.

He should be rightfully indignant when he sees meat on your plate and should address his parents about the issue. If he won't then you do not go or you bring your own food such as a sandwich so as not to cause extra cooking for them.

I do not believe they are ignorant of what a vegetarian is, they are deliberately doing it and relying on their son being an utter coward and saying nothing and you being afraid to tackle them and your husband.

Horrible family. I'm sorry you married into them.

If you’re willing to accept the behaviour from them, then they’ll keep treating you like this. Of course family should give you food in line with your dietary requirements and preferences, but they aren’t doing that for whatever reasons. Because of them the situation is already uncomfortable. It’s your choice if you want to continue the discomfort by meekly eating around the inappropriate food they keep serving you, or if the discomfort will come from you or your husband directly addressing the situation. They can only control you with their moods if you let them. They’re unreasonable to serve meat to a vegetarian, but you’d be unreasonable to know the situation and expect it to resolve itself without you or your husband having to deal with the situation directly.

Extra virgin olive oil! Sorry I was too lazy to type it out the first time!

Why doesn't your husband speak to his parents and support you?

They are not carnivores., they are omnivores as humans are designed to be.

They are unreasonable.

How about offering to help in the kitchen? Say ' we'll do the veg shall we?" And do it your way.

You write @spotlightq ".... They're incredibly over sensitive people and they'd take it so personally and cause problems. They really do control us with their moods..... "

So ?

They're not incredibly sensitive to your needs now are they ?
If you have to go bring your own food.
Or get your dh to remind them.

They really do control us with their moods - that's cryptic !

I suspect from @spotlightq ‘s posts that the in laws buy the veg ready prepared, so no scope for meat free prep?

Obviously I don’t know your husband but is it not the case that he doesn’t want to upset his parents rather than be oblivious to it ?

Did you get a vegetarian main element of the meal ?

Because my children love them and want to see them. But I agree I should stand up for myself.

Anyway, I've made myself chief potato maker today. Doing them fresh in the air fryer with no goose fat!

The problem is with them buying 'naice food' from Markies or wherever. It's not as easy to just go into the kitchen and offer to prep the veg if it's in a container to be popped in the microwave (peas) or tipped out into a roasting tin (tatties).
I agree though, after 9 years, they should know. The repeated serving up meat to you is either because you've not mentioned it in years, or they don't value you enough to be mindful of your values etc. If you've not mentioned it, they probably think you don't like the peas if you've left them.
It sounds as though you're tiptoeing round them to avoid huffiness and a row. Maybe you just need to get the row over and done with today.

Glad to see you are taking back some control op. Enjoy those tatties.

Ps they ARE being unreasonable, and your DH should be addressing it.

So it's not hard. They are chosing not to accommodate you

Your options are to not eat there which you have declined
Take your own food which you have declined

So essentially the same thing will keep happening and this is a venting post.

So there you go I agree with you there are unreasonable. Eat before going and then refuse their food if it is not suitable.

I think my solution would be to eat before you go or afterwards. I don't just mean you. I mean you, your husband and your children. If the visit has to be shorter to accommodate this, then so be it. If your in-laws ask why, tell them. Maybe they'll change. Maybe they won't. But at least you get to eat and your in-laws will have to deal with the fact that, by disrespecting you in this way, they are doing themselves out of longer visits.