In-laws still serve me food they know I don't like

[spotlightq]

Husband and I have been married for 7 years, together 9. I have been a vegetarian the entire time.

Every time we come here to eat, I'll be offered/given something containing meat. I have to then feel rude and say no thank you.

For example yesterday the peas were ready prepared with mint and bloody pancetta. My plate was dished up for me, so I ended up having to leave a load of food on my plate. It looks rude from my side, but I think it's rude of them.

How hard is it!

sadly even in this day and age there are people who don’t really understand vegetarianism. They think as long as there is not a steak or a sausage on a plate then it is veggie. Things like using animal fats, suet, bits of bacon in the veg simply do not occur to them. Perhaps time for a longer chat about what being “veggie” means. You could quite genuinely offer to bring your own stuff if it is going to put them out.

I agree with this that some people just genuinely don’t dwell much on the ins and outs - often because the basic concept is not one that particularly commends itself to them.

I don’t think it’s always out of malice - or, as one name-calling poster put it above “lazy” or “small- minded” or “ thick” or “ petty” ; I just think they don’t really delve in much beyond knowing it’s not ok to be serving up a slab of flesh.

A child in one of my DC’s classes is vegetarian and at several parties she has hauled a pack of Haribos or similar out of her party bag and and announced she needed a substitute. All of the parents ( including one super intelligent definitely not small-minded or lazy mum who is very senior in a well-known bank) had made an effort to provide a selection of items she could eat at the party tea but the gummy sweets just went under the radar - because however much some people may be aware of the gelatine issue it really isn’t something that non vegetarians dwell on.

And as for the higher education jibes at some posters, gelatine really isn’t a topic on many university syllabuses. Never was “gelatine” mentioned in my entire studies, not at interview, not during the course itself in lecture or tutorial , and not during examination either written or viva! That sort of fact is really not how higher education operates.

On the whole, ( which seems unfortunately not to include op’s ILs) I think people do try but just have blind spots. In any case, vitriolic disrespect of non vegetarians as on this thread isn’t going to help promote the cause.

"A child in one of my DC’s classes is vegetarian and at several parties she has hauled a pack of Haribos or similar out of her party bag and and announced she needed a substitute"

@Calliopespa that sounds like a very rude DC,or one who has been badly served by her DPs.

Absolutely proper and right that vegetarian food is provided for her to eat, but the party bag is a leaving gift and it's not on everyone to be the vegetarian police. Her DPs can throw out the Haribos and replace them with something else if they wish. Haribos are horrible anyway.

I’d have been having a word with the child if it were my dc, put it that way! But I guess perhaps this child has been taught to speak out about it - given there are so many “thick”, “small-minded” carnivores lurking!

@spotlightq

Years ago I was at boarding school which "could cater for vegetarians". I was a life veggie.

They gave me cod liver oil "vegetarians can eat fish".
Meat stew "we've picked the meat out"
Pie of some sort "there's not much meat"
Cauliflower cheese with bacon "to give it some flavour"

150 years of vegetarians and they still do not understand

My higher education was arts and humanities based and my degree is in law. Yet I somehow managed to find out what gelatine , and cochineal for that matter, are. It's simply one of those general knowledge "eugh" moments.

The "vitriolic disrespect" ,as you see it, is in response to the ludicrous posts by certain posters.

I didn't even go to university, and I know what gelatine is made from because I don't live in a bubble.

Honestly no she's not very bright or very educated..she left school aged 12. There are so many things about her son's life that she can't comprehend that my vegetarianism is barely a blip on the radar!

Yep, they are indeed thick and small-minded.

I don’t know whether to laugh or cry at the ridiculousness of this post. Who the hell has suggested that you need to go to university to know what gelatine is? It’s a lower education issue, not a higher education issue.

All of the parents ( including one super intelligent definitely not small-minded or lazy mum who is very senior in a well-known bank) had made an effort to provide a selection of items she could eat at the party tea but the gummy sweets just went under the radar - because however much some people may be aware of the gelatine issue it really isn’t something that non vegetarians dwell on.

She’s “super intelligent”, but doesn’t know something a 12 year old would know? Basic biology? And even if she did cock up and give out non-vegetarian sweets, why didn’t she just apologise and say she’d remember next time? Why are you trying to blame the child?

In any case, vitriolic disrespect of non vegetarians as on this thread isn’t going to help promote the cause.

”Vitriolic disrespect” 😂😂😂

and at several parties she has hauled taken a pack of Haribos or similar out of her party bag and and announced said she needed a substitute. and then she complained about barbecue smoke whilst wearing leather shoes and eating bacon, the hypocrite. and then we defeated her with the facts about carnivore teeth and she went home in a car (the hypocrite) and we all clapped.

I'm any case, vitriolic disrespect of non vegetarians as on this thread isn’t going to help promote the cause.

Let me amend that for you:

"In any case, vitriolic disrespect from non vegetarians as on this thread isn’t going to help promote the cause."

@spotlightq I understand that you are vegetarian and they are serving you meat (albeit in the vegetable dishes!). Pre-prepared roast potatoes in goose fat; pre-prepared peas in pancetta from M&S.

From your OP I originally thought they were making it from scratch and choosing to add meat. Now it looks like more like an accident. If I was buying roast potatoes ready to bung in the oven, it wouldn't automatically occur to me that they might not be vegetarian as I always cook them in oil at home. Peas - well they may just have not realised they weren't just peas. Maybe they don't know that "pancetta" is meat? Not everyone does...

This sounds more like the person doing the shopping is not really understanding how hard they need to look to check the food is vegetarian - as opposed to a deliberate act of malice on behalf of the ILs.

I would suggest asking DH to speak to the ILs about what it means to be vegetarian. And then on arrival, going into the kitchen and actually checking the ingredients of the meal before serving. If you or your child had an allergy then you would want to check the ingredients so it's not exactly dissimilar.

She did remember the next time. She’s a lovely lady and did it once. It also happened at a couple of other parties ( same child though). I’m not sure if they did it again or not, but I’m presuming like this mum it triggered them to remember not to., given they were unlikely to have set out to cause offence - which was really my point.
No one is blaming the child for the fact it had gelatine sweets in their party bag. A number of people, however, thought the child was outspoken, given it was a gift.

The child did announce it - very, very loudly on all occasions referenced .

There was no barbecue smoke or bacon or leather sandals. The omnivore guests did eat the child though. ( joking).

Tbh you are sounding vitriolic. People can slip up on vegetarian requirements without meaning to.

I wouldn't call it over sensitive just controlling

Well, children have much more difficulty navigating social situations because they are learning. This includes not knowing social niceties and voice volume.

It's interesting how people are able to give them understanding in most situations but if it's a vegetarian suddenly they are meant to have the social skills of an adult. I've been a vegetarian since I was in infant school. I know exactly what sort of adult thinks it is 'outspoken' and voice that aloud to other adults. They were usually the ones trying to prove vegetarians were stupid because I couldn't beat them in an argument when I had the language and debate skills of a normal six year old. 🙃

I think a good idea would be for you to reflect on if you would use that same language to describe a Muslim or Hindu child in the same situation. Remembering that this is a child with a child's language and social skills.

Of course children have social skills of a child. This child, however, used a style that could only be called announcing. It would have been an announcement whatever they were concerned about.

I think you are overreaching now to try to make the point that vegetarians are persecuted. I can agree that sometimes they are inadequately catered for . I also agree that some people make an inadequate effort. However I disagree that it is always lazy or stupid or intentional. It is sometimes oversight as human error by people who are not especially tuned into the concept, but who wouldn’t do so with malice.

You are giving the child the lions share of the social awareness responsibility by expecting them to know how to respond without "announcing". That tells me you are holding them to too high a standard for a child. So either you do this for all children or are in fact, prejudiced.

No one is blaming the child for the fact it had gelatine sweets in their party bag. A number of people, however, thought the child was outspoken, given it was a gift.

Not - gasp! - outspoken?! 😱😱 Nooooo!!! How dare a mere child stand up for themselves?!

I love the fact that we are to give the fully grown adults stealth planting bacon in everything the benefit of the doubt because it's such a social baffling minefield, but a child needs the language skills of a police negotiater to get something sans pig bones.

My favourite meat eater 'whoops' moment was when one of my flatmates put baconfat a whole load in my teacup. Thinking it was clean I made tea, tasted it and then was understandably upset. I was told by all four flatmates I was being unreasonable.

I still maintain it is unlikely she wanted a cup of bacon fat as I have neither before nor since seen anyone do so and have added it to the substantial evidence that she's a cunt.

🤣

I agree with pp, it’s hilarious that you excuse the omnivore adult for not knowing gelatine is derived from animals but are being quite ‘vitriolic’ about a child for being confident enough to speak up and flag up something that was unfair.

Do you not see that it’s the fact she was ‘outspoken’ enough to call it out that she got vegan sweets the next time?

We should model inclusivity to children, not majority rules.