In-laws still serve me food they know I don't like

[spotlightq]

Husband and I have been married for 7 years, together 9. I have been a vegetarian the entire time.

Every time we come here to eat, I'll be offered/given something containing meat. I have to then feel rude and say no thank you.

For example yesterday the peas were ready prepared with mint and bloody pancetta. My plate was dished up for me, so I ended up having to leave a load of food on my plate. It looks rude from my side, but I think it's rude of them.

How hard is it!

So what's the problem then ?

If there's a reason for everything & you have no choice then the matters settled!.... you'll eat off the same plate as the weird peas, attend the house during meal times & suffer in silence like a good girl wife & they'll carry on another 8/9 years as they've always known that your preferences were optional

You have DH problem. He consistently allows his parents to treat you badly. He's either a wimp or uncaring

Absolute stop visiting these awful, controlling people.

It's a more valid lifestyle choice than their lifestyle choice of being inhospitable dicks

Ah yes. Perform the female role of fitting around everyone else's bad behavior.

Dreadful advice.

I'd take your own meal with you today (sneak a can of soup in your bag), then if they serve everything with meat I'd just get up from the table and go microwave the soup and bring it back to the table.

I personally don't usually cook something separate for just 1 vegetarian but I'd always make sure there were several things they can eat. It's not hard.

So when you host, you just serve whatever, regardless of whether or not your guests will enjoy it or not? My vegetarianism is accommodated in my family, as is everyone else’s preferences and dislikes. We want to make food that people will actually enjoy, rather than suffer through.

OP, I think you should call them on it. ”There’s meat in these peas, did you forget I’m vegetarian? Again?” Then say ”I’ll scrape them off the plate this time but please try harder to remember. This seems to happen every time.” Then throw the peas away.

Either they’re cruel or they’re thoughtless. If it’s the second this will help them to remember . Call out the problem they caused . You’re being far too nice!

Exactly what I was going to say.

FFS can we stop with the automatic assumption that it is the husbands fault and that he's controlling. Literally on every bloody thread about family dynamics along comes someone with the whole is your husband controlling shite.

OP you have a choice. Let them run a part of your life and feelings or put your foot down.....you choose.

The op is literally unable to communicate her needs due to upsetting the in laws, upsetting the children. She also can’t take anyone’s advice because it’s too over the top and she doesn’t want to argue with anyone.

I’m not entirely sure what the op wants. A backbone would be a good start!

I would have just said ‘oh did you forget I’m vegetarian? I can’t eat these peas’ then scraped them off in to the bin or back in to the bowl.
Remind them every time you go round ‘don’t forget I don’t eat meat, please don’t put anything containing meat on for me’

Doesn't make her husband controlling though. I agree she needs to stand up for herself and just say no thank you and remind her in laws that she doesn't eat meat. There is nothing to suggest that her husband is controlling. It is just something that certain posters seem to trot out everytime there is a thread involving family dynamics.

Your husband should be speaking to them about this. At the very least you should be more assertive and remind them politely that you are vegetarian each time they do this, instead of just sitting there like a numpty and saying nothing. They probably think you are being rude/fussy for leaving the food anyway so you've got nothing to lose by speaking up about it.

In future just take your own food. Pack a salad box/sandwich or take a veggie ready meal to bung in the oven/microwave and say cheerily 'I thought it would be easier from now on,as obviously providing me with different food is a lot of trouble for you. Just trying not to be a burden.' And smile sweetly.

This is a husband problem. He needs to remind them every time as they are HIS parents.

“ Are you coming for lunch on 10th? Yes thank you but remember that Spotlight doesn’t eat meat or fish or anything containing meat. So she can’t eat peas with bacon.”

Then when you arrive, he needs to go into the kitchen and remind whoever is cooking and check that they have something you can eat .

If they say “ We have beef and vegetable casserole but I’ll make sure Spotlight doesn’t get any beef “ then he needs to explain that wont work for you ( I’m assuming it won’t but great if you are ok with that ).

They might need very simple and repeated explanations “ she can’t eat that casserole , you should have made a separate dish in the oven with just the vegetable and veg stock “ .

Or you might need to get there early so you husband can help them make something you can eat.

it’s very VERY important that he does that and not you. Him doing it is helping his parents . You doing it will be seen as bossing then around in their own house.

If your husband won’t do that then he doesn’t care about you very much. Expecting you to go there and not be able to eat while everyone else is eating is very unkind of him.

You really need to put a stop to this.
You have recognised that their moods are controlling so stop being controlled.
What does your DH do when they start?

And that is why it will never change.

You can roast with olive oil. The thing you shouldn't do is reheat previously heated olive oil eg use it in a deep fat fryer.

I'd bring my own food - save them the bother.

Probably M&S ready made as OP says they do ready made roasties

People are so utterly bizarre about food. By which I mean people who think that nobody is allowed to decide for themselves what they do or do not eat for any reason; that it's rude not eat whatever someone else plonks on a plate in front of them; and that not offering someone food that you know they won't eat is a perfectly reasonable thing to do.

You describe them as sensitive people.
However they know you don’t eat meat but repeatedly make meals to exclude you.
So take your own food or stop going. Don’t worry about their feeling when it’s clear they have zero regard for yours.

Are your in-laws the Royles? I remember Nana Royle saying “well, we’ve got wafer thin ham” when a vegetarian visited.

Seriously they’re twats. Perhaps take your own cheese sandwich?

I find that a bit of an odd, if not hostile, way to look at your guests. Yes you don’t ‘have’ to accommodate anyone, you could serve up a toy truck for dinner if that’s what you want to do, but any mature adult would accommodate a non meat eater if they were coming to dinner, wouldn’t they?